AN: This story was written for the Hogwarts Oneshot wars. My prompts were: 1. Lucius Malfoy, 2. "I Carry Your Heart With Me" (poem) 3. Ambibalent (emotion) 4. Beautiful (word) and 5. (Snowing.)
Fair warning: Lucius x Regulus is kind of a bizarre and creepy pairing. You have been warned.
XXX
The manor is cold and silent. Lucius has only recently inherited it, but not a trace of his dead parents remains. Sitting on the cold marble steps, he feels as though his parents were never here, never even existed. And maybe they didn't. They were as cold as the house they left behind. No one will remember them fondly, not even him. If no one you leave behind cares enough to remember you, did you ever exist in the first place
Maybe it's enough to be remembered, even if it's not fondly, he thinks. He will remember his parents, though not with love. Their words lurk in his mind, dark and heavy. You must carry on the Malfoy name, Lucius. Narcissa is a good fit for you, Lucius. I would like to see you married before I die, Lucius.
"But you didn't, mother," he says aloud. Engaged, yes, but not married. He shudders at the thought of the proposal. Narcissa's eyes had shimmered like ice and broken glass when he'd knelt down before her. Must we do this, Lucius?
It's the only way, Cissy. We could end up with people far worse than each other.
They'd known for years that their families wanted them to marry.. They'd even kissed, once, at the top of the Astronomy tower, in the hopes that they might feel something, anything, for each other. But nothing had come of it. They were friends, nothing more. Narcissa longed for true love, and Lucius longed for freedom, but they had no choice. He'd held her for ten long minutes as she cried, and then she'd slipped on her ring and they'd gone together to deliver the "happy" news.
Trapped. He can't bear to think of the pain in Narcissa's eyes, or the thought that this engagement might destroy the only thing they'd ever had: their friendship.
A knock at the door startles him from his reverie. He stands and heads down the last three steps of the sweeping staircase. It takes him a moment to undo the silver bolt on the door.
Cold air rushes over him as he opens it, but he hardly notices, because Regulus Black is standing on his doorstep. It's snowing outside, and Regulus's dark hair is dusted with the soft white powder.
"Hi," he says, slightly breathless. "Can I come in?"
Wordlessly, Lucius takes a step back and allows him to enter the empty marble entry hall. As Regulus shakes off the snow and pulls off his gloves, Lucius closes the door and leans against it, watching him with chilly gray eyes.
Lucius left Hogwarts the year before, but he's fairly certain Regulus is on winter break now. He's never known, exactly, how he feels about Regulus Black. He's Narcissa's cousin, but the boy is a few years younger than him, and they've never spoken much, even though they're now working together under the Dark Lord.
On the one hand, Regulus is a loyal, devoted Death Eater, a true Slytherin, and a Pureblood hailing from the noble house of Black. On the other hand, however, Regulus has unsettling eyes and a surprisingly gentle smile. When he looks at you, he looks, his dark eyes taking in every tiny detail, every flaw, every imperfection.
Lucius can't decide if he likes the boy or not. He can't decide if he wants to like the boy or not. He's… what's that word?
Ambivalent.
XXX
But Regulus is anything but ambivalent towards Lucius.
Every time their eyes meet, he finds it hard to breathe. When his eyes land on Lucius, he can't tear himself away. Lucius's feelings toward Regulus are neither black nor white, just a muddled sort of gray, indecisive, but the way Regulus feels about Lucius is not gray in the slightest. It's scarlet, brilliant and bright, screaming notice me. He isn't sure how long he's been in love with Lucius Malfoy, how long he's been hiding his scarlet feelings beneath dull gray wrappings, but it feels like forever.
It feels like long enough.
"Lucius," he said. It is a relief to say his name. He likes the softness of it, the quiet sssh in the middle that makes it sound like he's whispering a secret.
The slender blond boy looks at him, pale and impassive. "Yes?"
He's been waiting for this moment, waiting for a long time, but now that it's here… what could he say? "I heard about your engagement."
Lucius blinks. "I see."
"I'm sure you'll be very happy together." The words are poison against his lips.
His mouth twists into a bitter smile. "Everyone keeps saying that."
A rush of hope. "Is something wrong?"
"Narcissa and I never wanted to get married," says Lucius, looking surprised. "I thought everyone knew that."
"But you're engaged." Regulus leans against the doorframe. He's closer to Lucius than he's ever been, and it's making him slightly dizzy. "Aren't you?"
"Yes. But not by choice."
Not by choice.
Terrible words.
Beautiful words.
"That doesn't matter," says Lucius. "Why are you here?"
"It does matter." Why am I here? Why have I ever stayed away?
He narrows his eyes, clearly awaiting some sort of explanation.
"Do you remember the first time we met?" says Regulus. He's testing the waters, praying that perhaps he matters to Lucius some fraction of the amount Lucius matters to him.
Lucius frowns. "When you were Sorted, I suppose, and I welcomed you to Slytherin."
"Yes," said Regulus. The words come tumbling out of his mouth. He couldn't stop them now even if he wanted to. "Exactly. You welcomed me to Slytherin. And then, three years later, you told me about the Dark Lord. You offered me a position in his innermost circle, and I said yes. Because of you."
"I don't follow you," says Lucius. "Are you here to thank me?"
"Yes," says Regulus, and before he can change his mind, he steps forward and kisses Lucius. His lips are as cold as the snow that's still clinging to Regulus's skin.
XXX
His lips are warm as summer wind. Lucius gasps and pulled away, staring at the boy in disbelief. Regulus looks back at him with his dark, all-seeing eyes.
"What are you doing?"
"Kissing you," says Regulus. He half-smiles, but Lucius can see the nervousness flickering beneath.
"Why?"
A scarlet blush spreads across his cheeks. "Because I've wanted to for years, and when I heard about you and Narcissa… I realized I couldn't wait any longer."
Lucius's lips are burning where they'd touched Regulus's. "Now that I'm engaged, you thought you'd make your move?"
"But you don't want to be engaged," Regulus says eagerly. "You don't have to be engaged any longer."
Coldness, deeper and darker than before, creeps into Lucius's bones. "You think that I can just break off my engagement and- what, be with you, I suppose?"
"I'm not asking you to marry me," says Regulus, the color on his cheeks darkening.. "But we could try. Try this." He gestured between them. He looks like a young boy, unable to contain his eagerness, his shyness, his secret crush.
Lucius shakes his head at this foolishness. "You think that this would work? That I could just break off my engagement and go out with you? You think that the Dark Lord would let me do that, that anyone would let me do that?"
Regulus lowers his head, and suddenly Lucius wants to kiss him again, pull him into his arms and feel the fire of his lips. But he stays still and cold.
"You don't feel the same way," Regulus says softly.
"It doesn't matter how I feel," says Lucius. "This will never work."
Regulus looks up, and their eyes burn together.
"You have my heart," he whispers. "I should have known that you would break it." He yanks open the door, and another blast of cold air blows through the entry hall. Lucius doesn't feel it. He's already numb.
Regulus looks back at him, dark eyes heavy with longing and sadness. "You have my heart," he repeats. "That's your burden now. I don't want it anymore."
And then he turns and Apparates into the cold, snowy night.
Lucius stares out at the snow. "I will carry your heart with me," he says. And more than that, he'll carry the burden of all the maybes, the could-have-beens, the what-ifs.
He sits back down on the cold marble steps. The warmth is already fading from his lips.