Disclaimer: Not mine…

Rating: Barely a T

A/N: My 20th story and my first Fake-fic. Please excuse any language mistakes, English is only my second language.

Dee gets ever so close to Ryo but the man pushes him away every time they come closer. There is a reason, hidden deep in Ryo's soul and past.

Secrets

Dee fearfully looked up the side of the building. On the roof he could see Ryo, his weapon in his hands pointing at someone on the building on the other side of the street. One shot killed the silence of the night, then, following soon after, another. Ryo's weapon. Dee recognized it everywhere. The he saw Ryo sank on his knees, holding his shoulder. Damn, what had happened up there? Something fell.

Dee tensed. It couldn't be, could it? He wouldn't stand loosing Ryo. That was impossible. He loved him, he needed him, he wanted him so much. The other man always shied back whenever Dee was close to him but still Dee loved him. he never had told Ryo. Ryo didn't know… he couldn't die now. Not like this! Not now, not ever!

The only thing Dee heard shattering on the ground next to him was his weapon and so he ran into the building and up to the roof. Dee didn't dare to use the elevator he ran up the stairs and dashed onto the rooftop looking wildly around for Ryo. He found the man lying near the edge of the twelve story building, his right arm dangling over the edge.

"Ryo!", he yelled and ran over to where he lay unconscious and gathered the man in his arms. How close he had come to falling from the roof. How close he had come to shatter on the sidewalk right next to Dee. The only thought of it nearly killed the raven haired man, he tried not to imagine, but it had been so damn close. Too close.

The wound in Ryo's shoulder had caused him a huge loss of blood but he could see it wasn't deadly, he would live. Dee cradled Ryo in his arms, slowly rocking their bodies, tears rolling down his face. He nearly had lost this man.

"Ryo… don't ever do this again!", he whispered into his hair. After some time he remembered why they were here and tried to see what happened up here. On the other rooftop across the street he could see a man lying, bleeding. Ryo had shot him with sharpshooter's skill. Slowly Dee reached for his mobile, dialling the number of their precinct. He shortly reported what had happened and then waited for the paramedics and backup to come, while stroking Ryo's hair, kissing his forehead, whispering small word of reassurance. The half Japanese didn't wake up, he was exhausted and needed sleep.

This assignment had been hard, they had been on stake outs all night, researching on the days. They were tired and worn out, two weeks with hardly a night of sleep now took their toll. Quivering Dee got up, Ryo in his arms, when the paramedics arrived on the roof. When he had lowered Ryo on the stretcher, he felt his own exhaustion and saw black dots in front of his eyes followed by complete darkness…

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With a start Dee woke up in a hospital bed. The room was warm and dimly lit, not giving a token, for how long he had slept or if it was night or day. He turned his head to the side, seeing Ryo in the bed next to his own, his shoulder heavily bandaged. Dee sighed in relief, the man seemed tired and exhausted but alive. He still slept and Dee was happy for that. He studied his partner's handsome face, those angelic features he loved so much.

Ryo nearly had died during their assignment and the thought still hurt him. He wanted to be with Ryo, he wanted to know he was his. And when one of them died he wanted to know that they had been happy. Dee sighed. All he wanted to do was to make Ryo happy.

With a groan he realized that perhaps he was the reason Ryo was NOT happy… he tried to kiss him, touch him, came near him. What if Ryo was happier when he was alone? Or with a woman, not with Dee? Three years and still it hadn't gotten Dee anywhere. Sometimes Ryo reacted to his kisses, but whenever Dee tried more, he was shoved away. Could it be? Was Ryo unhappy and upset because of him? Sometimes Dee watched his partner when he was lost in thought. He seemed so upset and distressed but when Dee asked what was wrong he got a fake smile and a lie as an answer.

It was his fault, wasn't it? Dee shouldn't push him any more. He should give up. Ryo wasn't interested. Sighing Dee tried to hold back tears, he couldn't imagine a life without being close to Ryo. He closed his eyes but he couldn't stop the tears flowing down his face into the pillow beneath him. Sobbing he turned his face into the pillow and tried to go back to sleep. He couldn't.

"What's wrong, Dee?", he heard a soft voice from right next to his ear.

"Ryo! You should be in your bed, lie down, you've got to take care of your shoulder. Does it hurt?", Dee shot up and looked at Ryo's concerned face. So beautiful…

"You cried, Dee.", did Ryo actually care? "What's wrong?" the half Japanese sat down on the edge of Dee's bed and brushed some strands of hair from Dee's forehead. Dee shivered but turned his head away. "Dee?", Ryo was obviously scared.

"I…I just thought that…"; he took a steadying breath. "I realized that I cannot make you happy. You don't like guys, you like women, sweet, soft women, not men like me. So… I'll give up. I leave you alone." Ryo's eyes misted.

"WHAT? Dee…", he stammered.

"When I thought about what happened on the roof, I thought about your happiness, too. And you're not happy when I try to get to you, when I touch you, or kiss you. And when one of us dies, Ryo, I want to know that you were happy. And I cannot stand the thought that I am the reason for your distress.", Dee explained, close to tears again. Gods, this had started as a joke. But he had lost his heart to this man and now it hurt to say this. He felt his heart brake and his mind go numb. There, he said it. He would leave Ryo alone. Whatever the man wanted if only he was happy!

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Four weeks. Ryo hadn't seen Dee in four weeks, except in the precinct. This was strange. It was strange to be at home alone. Bikky was with Carol most of the time and that left Ryo on himself, thinking about Dee. It was also strange not to be kissed by Dee any longer. He remembered the soft and talented lips of his partner and how he could make his knees go weak and turned his brain into mush. Gods, Dee so often had left him as a quivering puddle of hormones for Ryo melted under his touch.

Tonight was equally strange. Ryo sat on his sofa musing about Dee. The man had said that he wanted Ryo to be happy. He had left him because he thought it would make him happy. What more proof did he need? Damn, this man would do anything to make him happy. And all Ryo could do was turn him down.

Ryo got up from his sofa. He didn't try to call Dee, he would drive over to Dee without calling him first. He grabbed his car keys and headed for his car. Time to get over with his past. He wanted Dee. Ryo missed him so much, his strong embraces, his kisses, his touches, everything.

When he stood in front of Dee's apartment door Ryo took a deep breath and knocked firmly. It took three more tries and he nearly gave up, when Dee opened his door. Gods the man looked like a wreck: deep, dark rings under his eyes, his hair ruffled and his shirt not really buttoned up. Ryo saw the surprise in his eyes and the dried tears on his face.

"Dee…"

"Why did you come here, Ryo? Do you want to torture me even more? Weren't three years enough?", he asked, his voice hoarse and a bit cold. But he couldn't make it sound as hard as he wanted to. Not when he talked to Ryo. The man was as beautiful as ever. So sexy, so handsome, so gorgeous. And Ryo threw himself into his arms, wrapping his arms tightly around a surprised Dee.

"Don't leave me, Dee. Don't!", he whispered near the ear of the slightly taller man and felt himself being wrapped up in a deep hug. Somehow Dee had managed to close the door and walk over to the couch, with Ryo still clutching to him. "Don't leave me!", he whispered again and again and it was all Dee could do to not press Ryo to the couch and ravish his beautiful body right then and there.

Instead he gently lifted the half Japanese's head up and looked into tear stricken eyes and it took only seconds for Ryo to find Dee's lips and kiss him sensually. Dee gasped but he let Ryo take the lead, let him make love to his mouth and gods, how good it felt. Dee pressed him nearer still and was sure the beautiful man would feel his need. Ryo reacted and pressed himself against Dee's hips, grabbing a handful of Dee's hair while deepening the kiss even more. Slowly he pressed Dee onto the couch positioning himself in his lap, feeling how badly he was needed. He felt himself harden at the close contact. Actually that had happened before but now Ryo wanted to ignore his fears. He wanted Dee. He wanted him so much.

Without breaking their kiss, Dee turned him over and laid him into the soft cushions of his sofa, lying above the sandy haired man and slowly opened Ryo's shirt. Soft, white skin was exposed and Ryo moaned into Dee's mouth when he felt his gentle fingers touch his naked chest.

Dee kissed his way down towards Ryo's neck, sometimes licking, sometimes biting the soft flesh of this beautiful neck. He tasted so good…

His hands dared to stroke Dee's shoulders and back and he felt the man shiver under his touches. Yes, this was what he wanted, more than anything. Dee took his time, caressing Ryo's chest and stomach but then he slowly opened Ryo's pants and let his hands glide beneath the waistline of his boxers. Ryo tensed.

"So sexy, look at his gorgeous body." , a slurring voice murmured right next to his ear. Ryo felt his hands being held together by a tight rope, his shirt torn apart and his wrists cut from his struggling. And the worst was about to come…

"Look how you squirm, sexy. You really want me that bad?"

"Please…leave me alone! Go away!", he whimpered, tears blurring his vision. But the drunk men did not listen. He leaned over the tied up man and Ryo could feel his rotten breath. Disgusted he turned his head away only to be forced to look back into this face. And it slowly came towards his own, thin lips claiming his, foul breath filling his nose and mouth while the man forced a kiss.

"Please…"; Ryo whimpered again but the man still didn't listen and forced his legs apart. Ryo felt flesh rip apart and felt blood flowing down his inner thighs. He screamed with pain before he sank into blackness.

Dee stood up in one swift movement of his graceful body and looked down at Ryo who lay on his couch, his arms thrown around himself, murmuring pleadings in a fearful tone. It wasn't the first time Ryo rejected him, but this was worse. Frustrated Dee clenched his fists. Something was terribly wrong but Ryo – again – wouldn't tell him.

"Ryo, you just cannot do this to me! You kiss me, you touch me and then you shove me away? What is wrong with you?", he knelt in front of his sofa where a shivering Ryo slowly sat up. "That's not fair. I love you, I want to kiss you, touch you and if there is something I need to know, damn, you just have to trust me an fucking tell me!", he hadn't meant to be so rude but this was enough. Ryo's troublesome eyes let Dee know that he was very distressed.

"You…you love me?", Ryo asked, his voice shaking, his hands trembling. He couldn't believe it, here he was, he had the courage to be with Dee but his memory forced him to reject this handsome and gentle man again. He hated himself for it but he couldn't help it.

"Yeah, Ryo.", Dee said, a lot calmer by now. He took Ryo's hands in his, calming them with soothing touches. "I do love you. How could I not? You're so sweet and gentle, you're compassionate and so beautiful! I've waited for three years now and my feelings are on a roller coaster. I want you to trust me, I want you to be happy, but I don't know what to do. I left you alone and you coma back. But then you reject me again, why don't you trust me?"

"I do, Dee, please believe me! But there is something I… I don't want to tell you. You would hate me so much." Dee sat down again on the sofa next to Ryo, gently gathering the shaking man in his arms. Ryo WAS willing to be with him but so damn afraid.

"I don't hate you and I never will. But I hate the fact that I can't make you feel better, whatever bothers you, makes me go crazy, Ryo."

"Say it again, Dee. Please!"

Dee gathered all his strength and kissed the top of Ryo's head. "I love you, Ryo MacLaine. With all my heart and soul. I'm all yours." Ryo sighed and smiled slightly. He nodded and buried his face in the crook of Dee's neck.

"I'll tell you. But you'll hate me." Dee drew soothing circles with his hand on Ryo's back.

"Never."

Ryo took a shaking breath when he let the dreadful memories hit him with full force. It hurt to think about it again and it hurt even more to tell it Dee but this man deserved his honesty like no other.

"When I was at school I so looked forward to the night of the prom. I liked parties a lot and I was often so drunk I could barely walk.", he felt Dee's hand stop for a second on his back, but soon he went on in stroking his back. it felt so good. "I liked the fact that the world started to spin around me and I liked to see those colours with more intensity. And so this night I got drunk as well. When I left the prom early in the morning I was alone. The girl that had been with me had left earlier with her friends but… well, we had some fun. In the darkness on our campus I walked through a small park, it was a short cut and all I wanted was getting home. There they got me. Two boys, or men I don't know, I wasn't able to see their faces and I didn't recognize their voices. They… one of the pinned me to the ground and bound my wrists. The other… ", he didn't go on, but Dee's embrace got firmer, he pressed him closer to his strong body. It was so reassuring to have Dee with him. and the man definitely understood. In his years on the force he had often heard such stories but none had ever touched him like that.

"It hurt so much. I screamed, but no one heard me. I pleaded, but they wouldn't let me go. I lost conscious and when I woke up I lay in the park, it was all dark but I was alone. I couldn't move for some time. When I got home I slept for days…"

That explained a lot. That explained why Ryo hated to be touched and to get drunk. He simply was afraid that this could happen again, that it would hurt like in this night. Dee heaved a deep sigh.

"You never told anyone, did you?"

"No… who should I've told that I'm such a weakling? That I got raped by two other men? I joined the force and learned self-defence. In fact it is most important to me. No one will ever do such a thing to me again!", he said firmly and looked up, careful not to break the close contact with Dee. "They got away with it, they had their fun with me and I didn't even think about reporting to the police…"

"But why would I hate you, Ryo. You're still so strong and brave, you're, in fact, the toughest guy I ever met. And that's why I love you so much, Ryo."

"I love you, too, Dee.", Ryo whispered, barely audible, but Dee caught his words and nearly crushed Ryo in his arms and kissed the top of his head again and again.

"Ryo…", he whispered, the only word coming over his lips, this name filling his mind. He wouldn't try anything tonight, he would simply hold Ryo in his arms and lulling him to sleep. All he wanted was to hold him tight.

Slowly he got up with Ryo in his arms and led him towards his bedroom. Ryo's eyes grew large but Dee only smiled.

"Don't worry, Ryo. We'll just sleep, but please? Let me hold you. I can't let you go right now."

"S'okay.", Ryo whispered and grabbed the pyjama, he always wore, when sleeping over at Dee's. he went into the bathroom, using his toothbrush. It was like they already were a couple, sharing everything and Ryo loved it this way. He loved Dee and now the man knew. It was strange but his heart felt so much lighter now he had told him everything.

When they lay in Dee's bed, cuddling under the thick covers, holding each other. Dee gently brushed his fingers through Ryo's hair and the man enjoyed those soft touches.

"Aren't you mad at me now? Knowing that you won't be the first man for me?" Dee didn't know whether to laugh or to cry.

"This is not about being your first, Ryo. This is just about being with you and seeing you happy.", and if it would make Ryo happy to just lie here and be in his arms he would just do that! For the rest of his life, if need be. Slowly he felt Ryo drift to sleep, so happy that he was here with him, in his arms. Smiling he drifted off to sleep as well.

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Dee woke up to his own blood pounding in his ears. He moaned when he felt something caress his chest and when he opened his eyes he saw Ryo sitting on his lap, his hands wandering over Dee's exposed chest. He gasped, when he realized Ryo bent down and claimed Dee's lips with his own in a deep and sensual kiss. Dee moaned into his lips, thrusting his hips up involuntarily to meet Ryo's. Gods, did this man know what he was doing to Dee? It was all he could do from not coming instantly.

Ryo's lips wandered down his neck, his shoulders over his chest and stomach. Dee arched his beautiful body into Ryo's touched and how much Ryo enjoyed to touch him. it felt just so right and good. Dee was so sexy.

Slowly, teasingly Ryo kissed around his navel, kissed lower to the waistline of his pants until Dee moaned loudly at his ministrations. After some time of playing with his lover Ryo looked up into his face. Dee had closed his eyes, his lips slightly parted and so full and red. He kissed him again and rolled them over, so he lay underneath the man's body, his weight comfortable on top of him. he wanted him so much, he needed him so badly.

"Ryo? Sure you want this?", Dee asked, his eyes concerned, but Ryo only nodded.

"I can't wait any longer…", he breathed and pulled him down into another kiss. Dee complied, kissing him gently, stroking him, touching him, making love to him.

Ryo arched into his touches, adored the kisses. It felt so good, so right to have Dee above him, touching him, in him. Those gentle movements, those strong and loving touches. With a moan he closed his eyes and threw his head back into the pillows.

"Dee…so good.", he whispered and pressed him closer to his body.

"Love you, Ryo.", Dee answered and with these words sent Ryo over the edge, soon following himself.

"Dee… please don't ever leave me again.", Ryo whispered while he snuggled up into Dee.

"I won't Ryo. I told you I love you. And I always will!"

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