All is Vanity

Prologue: Just So Different

Something was just not right about this blue-moon night. Papa could feel in his bones that fate had taken yet another shocking twist that would affect the new Smurfling's destiny.

Of course, all his little Smurfs had their developmental quirks-Grouchy had a bad temper, Greedy had a binge-eating habit, and Jokey tended to play pranks on other Smurfs at the most inopportune moments-but there was going to be something….different about this one. And it surely would not be good at all.

Papa put aside his doubts for the moment and waited patiently for the stork to arrive. He stared at the moon as he stroked his coffee-brown beard, trying to calm his nerves. Surely, this new Smurfling couldn't possibly be worse than the others?

After all, he was only a child, and a child can always overcome whatever problems are in his way. Besides, even if the new little one's behavior was dreadful, Papa was sure that with discipline, love, and time, the bad behavior would surely fade away, as all bad habits are apt to do.

Finally, the stork arrived, carrying a white bundle that had just a tinge of pink to it. As the stork respectfully placed the bundle on the ground and flew away, Papa's heart began to race faster. Had the stork given him a daughter?

Eagerly, he unwrapped the blankets from around the new baby, but as usual, he found the face of another boy Smurfling staring curiously up at him. Oh well, at least this one appears to be fairly normal. I guess I got smurfed up for nothing, Papa thought with relief. He picked up the baby and stared into his eyes, trying to get a sense of what his personality might be like.

"Well, my little Smurf, I'm afraid it's rather late, and you need to be going to bed now," Papa murmured to the tiny baby cuddled up in his arms. The baby just grabbed Papa's pinky finger and sucked on it like a lollipop. Papa laughed; then carried the baby towards the tree house where all the young Smurflings were tucked into bed.

All of Papa's children were tucked in their cribs, snoring slightly as they dreamed the bright, vivid dreams of Smurflings.

Handy and Hefty were sleeping back-to-back like the true blue brothers that they were-they were even snoring in sync. Handy's arms were wrapped around a toy wrench, like he was clutching a favorite teddy bear. Hefty's small head was resting on one of his meaty arms. There was a thoughtful expression on his masculine face as he dozed. Every now and then he twitched and muttered in his sleep while he dreamed.

A couple of cribs away, two other brother Smurflings were sleeping peacefully together: Brainy and Clumsy. Brainy had his back turned on Clumsy and was facing the nearby nursery wall. Brainy looked a little bit upset, but then again, it was hard to tell exactly what a young Smurfling wearing glasses was thinking when you could barely see his eyes. However, Clumsy was using Brainy as a pillow and was smiling angelically in his sleep. He even had an arm wrapped around Brainy, like a sloth clinging to a tree.

Papa snapped out of his reverie and quickly scanned the tree house to see if he could find a free crib for the new baby. Unfortunately, all ninety-eight cribs were occupied. "I'm sorry, my little Smurf, but I'll have to make a crib for you….be right back," Papa apologized hurriedly, racing off to construct a crib for the newest addition to the Smurf family.

The little Smurfling's eyes grew wide as he took a first look around his new home. Curious about his new surroundings, he crawled across the floor and stopped when he got to Handy and Hefty's cot. Grabbing the side of the crib like a monkey, he scaled up and plopped inside. Then he toddled over to Hefty and poked him in the arm.

Both Hefty and Handy woke up with a start. When Handy got a look at the unnamed baby, he dropped his wrench and cried loudly. Hefty just tapped Handy on the shoulder and put a finger to his lips, making Handy quiet down. The unnamed Smurfling backed away from the two brothers, whimpering like a frightened puppy dog. Maybe going crib-hopping wasn't such a smart idea after all.

Handy rubbed his sleepy baby eyes, blinking curiously at the visitor. Now that he was awake, his inquisitive nature began to kick in. Dragging his wrench along with him, he flopped next to the Smurfling and banged his wrench against the floor of the cot. The little one just gazed at him questioningly before inching over to Hefty.

While Handy continued to play with his wrench, Hefty looked thoughtfully at the visitor. Trying his best to be friendly, he tossed a teddy bear to the nameless baby in an act of friendship. The baby gratefully took the teddy from a beaming Hefty. Then he began to chew and shake the toy like a puppy.

At that moment, Papa Smurf hurried back into the room, loaded down with wooden crib parts. "Where are you, little one-oh, there you are. Making some new friends?" Papa smiled as he caught sight of the three Smurflings playing together. The new Smurfling just smiled and pointed happily at Hefty.

"Well, I'm sorry to interrupt your little playdate, but it's time for you to get into your crib now. Don't worry, there'll be plenty of time to get acquainted with the others tomorrow," Papa said gently. The little Smurfling sighed, looking back at Hefty with mournful eyes. Hefty just yawned, winked at the Smurfling, and curled up in bed once more. Soon he was fast asleep, and it wasn't long before Handy rejoined him.

As Papa began to put the crib together, the unknown baby decided to do a little exploring while his daddy was distracted. Scrabbling clumsily along the floor, he somehow managed to make his way out of the open door, which Papa had forgotten to latch shut.

The baby gazed at the blue moon with awestruck eyes. Edging ever so gently across the grass blowing in the night wind, he tentatively made his way to a small patch of pinkish flowers. He plucked one off its stem and put it inquiringly into his mouth. Was this strange thing something to eat?

No, it definitely wasn't. A few moments later, the baby spat out the flower in disgust and wiped his mouth with his chubby hand. After he had managed to clear his mouth of the foul taste, he picked up another flower. He turned it slowly in his hands, admiring its beauty and its pretty scent. He wasn't quite sure what it was, but something about the fragrant object caught his interest.

Without really paying attention to what he was doing, he carefully reached up to touch his hat. Settling the flower in a comfortable position, he sighed contentedly and closed his eyes.

He opened them a couple minutes later to find himself staring into Papa's wise blue eyes. "So, you've got a little flower now, eh? Into nature, are you?" Papa chuckled as he carried his son into the tree house. The Smurfling frowned and crossed his arms adamantly. Whatever nature was, he was sure he wouldn't like it. He just liked the flower because it was pretty, that was all.

As Papa settled him down in his crib, he noticed something shiny lying on the floor. He sat up in bed and pointed at the thing, babbling to let his father know what he wanted. Papa turned around and saw what the Smurfling wanted immediately. "Oh, that? That is what is called a mirror, my little Smurf. If you look into it, you'll see what you look like. Here; try it out for yourself, "Papa explained, handing the newfangled item to the baby.

The baby Smurfling sucked in his breath when he got a look at the Smurf in the mirror. Was that really him? No, it couldn't be, for it was surely too handsome to be his own face. He blinked, held the mirror away, and looked again. No; that was definitely his countenance being reflected in that miraculous tool. And what a beautiful face it was!

Soft, round cheeks, a perfect nose, plump lips, delicate cheekbones, and handsome bright blue eyes….it was a face wonderful to behold. In fact, it was difficult for him to believe that it could be a real one, let alone his, at all. It was almost like looking at some magical dream vision of himself.

As he gazed contentedly into that gorgeous visage, he promised himself that from then on he would do whatever he could to make sure that perfect face would always look as amazing as it had today. He was so caught up in admiring himself that he hadn't noticed that Papa had walked up behind him and was observing his behavior.

"Hmmm…I see you're having fun looking at yourself in the mirror, little one," Papa mumbled, tugging worriedly at his beard. Of course, he could be entirely wrong.

It wasn't uncommon for a Smurfling to stare into a mirror for several minutes, since it was something novel and fascinating to them. After a while, though, they became bored of looking at their face all the time and went on to playing with more advanced toys, like miniature trucks or teddy bears.

But yet…there was something about this child that didn't seem quite right to him. Maybe it was the way he proudly wore the flower in his hat. Maybe it was the way he couldn't seem to take his eyes off his reflection. Or perhaps it was the way he crossed his legs in a seemingly almost feminine pose. Whatever it was, the little guy gave off the feeling of being unnaturally girlish.

Maybe he's gay…no, that isn't possible! He hasn't even fallen in love yet, Papa thought, shaking his head. Perhaps it was just a phase he was going through. Yes, that was probably it. The Smurfling was just enjoying the typical childish fun of posing as another gender, and he would grow out of it in a couple of years. At least, that's what Papa hoped it was.

Papa suddenly realized that he had forgotten to give the Smurfling a name. He slapped his forehead, berating himself for his forgetfulness. How foolish of him! Here he had been worrying for minutes about whether the Smurfling was gay, and he hadn't even begun to think of name ideas.

It didn't take Papa very long to think of a suitable moniker for the Smurfling. "I think Vanity would fit nicely with your personality, little one. What do you think?" Papa asked the baby, who was still staring at himself in the mirror.

The baby reluctantly looked up from the mirror, giving Papa a halfhearted glance. Why was this old man interrupting his fun? As though Papa didn't exist, he turned his attention back to the mirror and sighed, feeling satisfied when that fantastical face came into view again.

Papa sighed too and turned away, feeling hurt by the Smurfling's apparent lack of interest in anyone but himself. "Vanity it is, then," he murmured unhappily. He would have to talk this one over with his wife for sure.

The newly-named Vanity didn't even hear the depressing click of the door as Papa locked up the tree house for the night. Instead, he squirmed and positioned himself in a beam of moonlight, so he could see his reflection better.

…..

[Fifty Years Later]

SMACK! The bright red Smurfball sailed towards Vanity's head like a runaway comet. He glanced up from his mirror just in time to see it flying towards his face. MOVE! Vanity's brain screamed silently. Vanity swiftly leapt to the side, causing the ball to hit the wall of the mushroom with a pathetic thump.

"VANITY! Why did you run away from the ball? You could have made a perfect hit if you'd just made an EFFORT!" Sporty lamented, kicking the ground with his cleat-clad foot.

"Yeah, Vanity….why are you always afraid of the ball?" Hefty added softly. He glanced at Vanity with pondering eyes, waiting for the vain Smurfling to give an explanation.

"I-I just didn't want to get dirt on my f-face," Vanity stammered feebly. Hefty asked him another question, but he didn't hear a single word. He had gone back to looking at himself in the mirror once again.

For some reason, he had a funny feeling that something was just not right with his face. He couldn't stand even the smallest imperfection in his complexion, and he was definitely not going to suffer through the day with a blemish on his forehead.

Unfortunately, his premonition was correct. A huge red pimple the size of a marble stood out glaringly on his nose, as though trying to rebel against Vanity's clear skin. At this terrible occurrence, Vanity gave a shriek of terror.

"A-a zit! No! I spent all morning washing my face just so that this wouldn't happen!" Vanity cried in dismay. A bead of sweat popped out on his forehead and trickled down his face like the last drop of a dying waterfall. Vanity also caught sight of this in his mirror and panicked even more. If he got too sweaty, his eyeliner would blot, and he would start to stink like a dead cow.

Dots suddenly swam before the narcissistic Smurfling's eyes. Vanity tried to take a deep breath, telling himself it didn't matter. All he needed to do was come up with a lame excuse so he could run home to take care of his appearance. Surely, it wouldn't be a hard thing to do, since he had done it countless times before.

"Hey...guys? I think I need to go home now. I'm not feeling very smurfy," Vanity piped up, trying to look as ill as possible. "Really? Are you sick or something? You smurf really pale," Clumsy asked in concern as he straightened his baggy gray T-shirt with a picture of a rock on the front. He tried to move closer to see if something was wrong. However, he tripped and fell flat on his face just before he reached Vanity. "Gosh! Oof!"

"CLUMSY…" Brainy sighed. He rolled his eyes and straightened his glasses, which had become slightly crooked during the game. Even though Brainy was only a few feet away from him, Vanity hadn't heard him at all. He was starting to see stars again. He also felt somewhat feverish and was sweating more than ever. Vanity wondered if it had something to do with the summer heat.

A bizarre dizzy feeling abruptly swept over Vanity like an overpowering ocean wave. He grabbed a bench to steady himself against the overwhelming feeling. "Guys…I really don't feel very smurfy. I think I need to see Papa Smurf," Vanity spoke up. As usual, nobody even bothered to pay attention to him. They probably thought he was faking it to try to get attention.

Hefty was the only one who noticed Vanity's malaise. "Vanity, are you okay? Maybe you should smurf home and rest," he asked worriedly. Vanity tried to smile weakly, even though he was starting to get a smurfing headache. "Yeah…I think I should. Can you fetch Papa Smurf for me? I think I'm smurfing the flu," Vanity replied.

Hefty saluted; then ran off to fetch Papa. Clumsy came up to Vanity and spoke, but Vanity didn't quite catch what he was saying. His vision had gone completely blurry. The dizziness was now so bad that he could barely stand upright.

"Vanity? Vanity, are you okay?" Clumsy's words echoed in his head. Vanity attempted to smile, but it felt false. Something was terribly wrong with him, and he had no idea what it was. Vanity was sure that he wasn't the only Smurf this had happened to. Surely, there had to be a cure for the terrible woozy feeling that he was experiencing now. Was there?

In the corner of his muzzy brain, an answer came to him. Vanity immediately wished he hadn't thought of it, because it made him feel even worse. Oh, by Papa Smurf's beard, I'm going to….Vanity thought desperately as Papa and Hefty started running towards him anxiously. He didn't have time to finish his thought, because just then the horrible thing happened.

Vanity fainted.

…..

"I can't believe he….."

"Yeah, I know, he's so vain…"

"…hasn't woken up yet. Boy, that pimple must have really scared him if it made him..."

"…hush now, my little Smurfs. Please try to be quiet so that Vanity can rest. It isn't smurfy to be talking about him behind his back, you know."

"But he isn't sleeping, he's…uh…"

"…smurfed out."

Laughter and mockery reverberated through Vanity's sleepy mind as he lay with his eyes shut. He realized with great embarrassment that they must be teasing him for fainting. Anger raged though him like a flash flood. How dare they make fun of him for being sick? It wasn't the pimple that made him pass out; it was the heat!

Vanity's eyes snapped open to reveal a crowd of Smurflings leaning over his bed. Papa Smurf was also there, pressing a cold washcloth to Vanity's sweaty forehead. "Vanity, are you all right? You've been out for two hours," Papa asked worriedly.

"Yeah, Vanity, are you okay? I mean, I'm sure having such a huge pimple on your nose must be REALLY painful," Tuffy mocked cruelly. "Tuffy, leave him alone! It's not his fault that he got sick," Hefty argued. "But-" Tuffy said. Luckily, Hefty shoved him to the back of the crowd before he could say anything else.

"Sorry about that…anyway, are you still feeling bad? You're really flushed," Hefty asked. Vanity shrugged uncertainly. "I guess so. But can I please have some water? I think I'm a little dehydrated," Vanity replied weakly. "Of course. Just wait a minute and I'll fetch some for you," Papa answered. He placed an icepack on Vanity's head, then quietly walked to the door and closed it so as not to disturb the sickly Smurfling.

As soon as Papa left, the chatter among the other Smurflings started up again. "Boy, Vanity, are you melodramatic! I mean, is one little zit REALLY something to faint over?" Brainy sneered. "I know, right? Now he's convinced Papa that he's really sick! Besides, don't you think that old icepack clashes with his stupid lipstick?" taunted Handy.

Vanity opened his mouth to defend himself, but no words came out. Instead, he just trembled and dove under the covers. "Hey, Handy, that wasn't nice of you to tease Vanity like that. I mean, would YOU want someone to be mean to you if you weren't feeling well?" Hefty scolded. He had to raise his voice in order to be heard over the laughter of the other Smurflings.

"I guess not…but still, I wouldn't be fainting over a silly pimple like that," Handy muttered, unconvinced. "But he wasn't really fainting because of his pimple…he was fainting because he was dehydrated, that's all," Hefty asserted. Vanity shuddered under the blankets of his bed. He really couldn't stand to hear everyone talking about the traumatic experience of two hours ago.

"Hey, guys, stop talking about my faint! It isn't funny, you know!" Vanity cried. The other Smurflings just snickered meanly at him. "No, really, it isn't funny! And I'm NOT doing it to get attention! I was just dehydrated…" Vanity wavered. He was beginning to have doubts about himself again.

He had always known that he was different from the others-different in a way that seemed very wrong to him. Vanity had never really been very interested in male Smurf things like wrestling or Smurfball. He'd always been more into things like makeup and fashion. Whenever there was a Smurfball game, he sat on the sidelines and stared into his gorgeous face in the mirror. He never joined in a wrestling match, for the fear that somebody would punch him and ruin his perfect appearance.

Vanity had also been a bit more sensitive than the other Smurflings about his looks. While the others were happy playing in the mud and hated taking baths, he was constantly searching for new ways to improve his beauty. If he got a wart on the bottom of his foot or got teased by another Smurfling for being a sissy, he just looked at himself in the mirror or immediately tried to fix any problem that threatened to interfere with his prettiness.

Even though he pretended not to care what the others thought of him, Vanity was ever conscious of his own irregularity in ways that continually bothered him deep down inside. He told himself it didn't matter-as long as he was beautiful, everything was perfect.

But nobody understood him, and nobody loved him. Some Smurfs even thought he was gay, which always confused him. He thought that gay was just an old-fashioned word for happy, but when he asked Papa Smurf what they meant by that, he just shook his head and said that Vanity would have to wait until he was older to understand.

Just then, Hefty leaned over and tapped Vanity on the shoulder. "Vanity? Are you okay? You've been really quiet down there," Hefty asked. Vanity sat up in bed and smiled weakly, feebly accepting the glass of water that Papa Smurf handed him. "Yeah, I'm okay, Hefty. Everything's just perfect here," Vanity replied as he slowly sipped the water, trying to ignore the other Smurflings' scornful glares.

But nothing would ever be perfect as long as he was effeminate.