The Episodes

1000th Ghost

"How many?" the mysterious figure asked.

"Exactly one hundred," his partner answered.

"Excellent. Bring in the children."

CRASH!

"Arnold?"

"Oh. Sorry Helga."

The blond haired girl shook her head.

"I-I mean, watch where you're going football head! Why the heck are you always crashing into me all the time? Sheesh, I can't even walk without ending up like Eugene!"

"Hey, I said I was sorry Helga!" the boy snapped back at her.

"Oh yeah? Well-"

"Psst."

"Huh?"

"Psst."

"Arnold, did you hear something?"

"Psst."

"Yeah. It came from over in that alley. Let's check it out."

"Why should I?"

"Fine then. I'll go by myself."

"Arnold, wait!" Helga cried.

Arnold turned around.

"What is it now, Helga?"

"Well…I'm not gonna let you go in alone."

"Why?"

"Cuz."

"Whatever you say Helga."

The two kids stepped into the dark alley.

"Well…I don't hear anything anymore."

"I don't eith-AH!"

A trap door had opened from under them. They fell screaming in the dark and landed on a hard stone floor. They both blacked out.

"Wake up!" a voice barked.

Helga didn't want to get up. Her head was filled with a throbbing pain from where she had hit it.

"I said, wake up, girl!" the man barked again.

Helga slowly opened her eyes. Everything was dark.

"Am I blind?" she wondered.

"You're not blind," the man said, as if reading her thoughts.

"Alright then, where am I? Where's Arnold? Where are you? Who are you?" she spoke to the darkness.

"Who I am is of no importance. I'm everywhere, and I'm nowhere. But mostly I'm everywhere."

"That sounds familiar…hey wait a second. Isn't that what I said when I was Deep Voice?"

"Maybe…um…Helga, you wanna go check out my new Bella Dancerella DVD and dance pad? Bella, Bella, Bella Dancerella!"

"Huh? No…hey, how do you know my name?"

"Well, I'm actually very glad you asked that. It's quite an interesting story. You see, I am part of an exclusive organization known as Snee-Oosh."

"Snee-Oosh? What the heck is…you know what, I don't even care. I'm outta here!"

"Not so fast!" the man snapped.

Instantly two metal straps wrapped around her wrists, attaching them to the arm rests of the metal chair that she sat in. A strap also attached her ankles to the chair.

She struggled against their grip, but it was too strong.

"You'd better let me outta here, if you know what's good for ya!" Helga said, sounding braver than she felt. "When my dad realizes I'm gone, he'll hunt you down until-"

"I happen to know that your father doesn't give a rip what happens to you. Neither does your mother. As far as they're concerned, I've got no trouble."

Helga realized that there was no way out.

"Yeah…well…what do you plan to do? If you're gonna kill me, would you just get it over with?"

"I'm not gonna kill you. That would ruin our entire plan."

"What plan?"

"I was trying to tell you, before you interrupted me. Seeing as you can't go anywhere, you might as well listen to me."

Helga was silent.

"Very well then. As I was saying, I am part of Snee-Oosh. Our most recent project has been entitled 'Hey Arnold!'."

"Arnold? What's he got to do with this? Oh my…you're not gonna hurt him, are you?"

"No, I won't hurt him. Now shut up! Anyway, 'Hey Arnold!' is founded by a great leader known as Craig Bartlett. He has assigned two people from your world to stalk you and Arnold and record everything that you do."

"WHAT?"
"Then we sell these tapes to Nickelodeon, who broadcasts them to the general public."

"Excuse me?"
'Don't worry, your secret's safe. We broadcast them to a world completely different than yours. The world of cartoons."

"So let me get this straight. You tapped Arnold and I and showed the tapes to cartoon characters?"

"But you see, to them you are cartoons."

"This is too weird. So, where am I now?"

"You are in the secret laboratory of Mr. Bartlett, located exactly halfway between the two worlds. Craig Bartlett is of the cartoon world, and my partner and I are of your world. Does that make sense?"

"No…"

"That's nice. Anyway, the point is, the viewers of your show, entitled 'Hey Arnold!', hence the name of our project, have grown impatient with Arnold for not figuring out your secret."

"What secret?" Helga asked nervously.

"Listen girl, I'm one of the show's tapers. Trust me, whatever there is to know, I know. The problem is that Arnold doesn't know."

"That's no problem! That's a good thing! It doesn't matter anyway. I sorta…already told him."

"Of course you did. We made an entire movie about it."

"You did what?"
"That's right."

"You mean, everyone saw us…"

"Kiss? Yeah."

"Couldn't you have given us a little privacy?"

"Of course not! That's the kind of thing the viewers love. In fact, they want more."

"Did it ever occur to you that you shouldn't meddle in the romantic affairs of others?"

"No. Did it ever occur to you to shut your trap before I do something we'll both regret?"

"Are you threatening me?"

"Boy, you're smart."

"You said you wouldn't kill me."

"I never said I would. I'm just going to torture you."

"B-but-"

"Not physically. Emotionally."

"If you lay a finger on Arnold, I swear, I'll-"

"Do what? It seems to me that you're incapable of doing anything."

"I-"

"You're wasting my time. Let me just get to the point. The viewers want more, but we were out of ideas. So, we decided to kidnap you both, bring you here, and force you to watch all one hundred of the episodes."

"Y-you mean…Arnold too?"

"That's right."

"B-but…he can't know!"

"Oh, you see, that is where you are wrong. He can know. And he will."

Suddenly, a giant television screen flashed on in front of her.

"Everything that you are seeing, he is also seeing."

Helga heard footsteps walking away.

"Hey, wait! Where are you going?"

"You can't expect me to hang around here, can you? Do you realize how long it'll take to watch all one hundred of the episodes?"

"Do you?"

"Um…" the man faltered. "No, but…it's a really long time! MWAHAHAHA!"

Helga heard a door slam from somewhere in her prison.

Arnold was in much the same predicament that Helga was. His captor had told him almost the same story, but he left out the part about Helga's secret, which was…kind of the whole reason for the whole evil scheme. Any other person would have realized that the explanation lacked a point, but Arnold was sort of (coughDENSE!cough) so he didn't.

"Arnold! Hey Arnold!" the television screamed at him.

"This is gonna be a long night."

Exactly one hundred and twenty five days later (aka 2.08 days, depending on who you're talking to), the words 'I found a map!' blasted from the room's speakers. The TVs flickered off, and the lights in both their rooms turned on. Finally, finally it was over.

Of course, they had to sleep and eat once in a while, so they did this during the boring episodes (On the Lam, Harold vs. Patty, etc.). Their captors brought them food consisting of watery oatmeal, sour pickled vegetables, and cold nasty hamburgers with potato fries, and mash potatoes that tasted like "Oh my gosh! Disturbing! Nasty!"

Arnold was absolutely shocked. Well, duh. That's obvious.

Helga was pretty shocked too, especially after episodes like 'Arnold visits Arnie', 'Married', and 'Timberly loves Arnold'. But mostly, she was just worried about what Arnold would say now that he knew virtually everything.

"Attention prisoner," an intercom speaker said. "Arnold will…uhh…be with you…uhh…shortly."

"Wait a minute…I know that voice," Helga thought. "Was that…oh my gosh…BRAINY? He's behind this?"

SNAP!

The metal bonds on Arnold's chair lifted up. He jumped up and ran around the room for an hour. Hey, give the kid a break; he had been sitting there for over four months (Or like, maybe I'm wrong. Math doesn't like me.)! He needed to run around!

"Attention Arnold!" an intercom speaker said. "Stop running around like an idiot, and listen to me!"

Arnold stopped running.

"You are free to go."

A door in the wall slid open, revealing a long hallway.

"Bye bye!" the speaker called, before shutting off.

Arnold didn't waste a minute before running out of the room. But he wasn't planning on leaving just yet. First he wanted to have a word with a certain Helga G. Pataki.

"Let me out!" Helga screamed, struggling with all her might to get fee of the bonds of her chair. Arnold would be there any second! She couldn't talk to him, not now, not after he knew everything! She had to escape!

A door in the side of the wall slid open.

"Oh, that's great," Helga thought. "The doors open, but I still can't escape!"

Then Arnold stepped into the room.

Helga gasped and tried frantically to work free of the bonds, even though she knew it was now too late.

Arnold walked across the metal floor, his footsteps echoing with each step, until he stopped in front of her chair.

"Hi Helga."

"Um…hey Arnold," Helga whispered, starring at the ground.

"So, you saw the show too, huh?"

"What? No…I didn't mean that, I meant-"

"Helga…"

"It was a joke, ok?" she said, her mind racing a mile a minute. "Yeah, it was just a joke. Those crazy people want to mess with our minds. They must have used some kind of computer generating technology to-"

"Oh, come on. You know that's not true," Arnold interrupted.

"Hey, what happened to your denseness?"

"Television enhances your mind. All that TV made me lose it all."

"Oh… How'd you escape?"

"They let me go."

"WHAT? Oh, THANKS!" she screamed to her captor, who was nowhere to be seen, so it's not like it did anything. Actually, neither one of them had ever seen their captors, but Helga was almost positive that one of them was Brainy.

"How come they didn't let you go?" Arnold asked.

"How should I know? Why aren't you gone yet, anyway?"

"I couldn't leave without you."

"Sure you could! If I were you, I would of."

"I could have, but…I wanted to talk to you."

"Look, I have nothing to say, ok? You saw everything there was to see. Now you know everything, congratulations. What do you want, a medal?"

"No, I just-"

"Look, I don't have time for this now! I have to escape!"

She started to struggle with her bonds once again. This time, the ones on her wrists snapped up.

"Finally!" she exclaimed. She stood up and tried to take a step. Unfortunately, the bonds on her ankles were still attached. She tripped and fell- right into Arnold's outstretched arms.

"You just what?" Helga whispered.

"I just wanted to…to…"

He wrapped one arm around her waist. His other arm traveled up her back, until it rested behind her head.

Helga gulped. She nervously moved her eyes from the floor to Arnold's eyes.

"To what?" she breathed.

He didn't answer. Instead, he brought her head towards his until they were only an inch apart. He gazed into her eyes, and all his doubt vanished. She loved him. He hadn't needed to see those episodes. One look into her eyes, and he could see it all. Now there was only one thing to do to make it complete.

"He's kissing me. Oh my gosh, he's kissing me. Hey wait a second, that means those creeps are going to win! That means their project will be a success and millions of people will see this and- do I care? Nah."

Helga continued to kiss him like there was no tomorrow.

The straps on her ankles had released her two minutes ago, and she hadn't even noticed.

"Uhh…cut! Hey people, you can…uhh…stop now!" a voice rang out.

"Shut up Brainy," Helga thought, but the moment had already been ruined.

They both reluctantly broke apart, and turned to see who the owner of the voice was. They realized with a shock that…

NO ONE WAS THERE! MWAHAHA!

But then the door opened, and in stepped…

"Coach Whitenburg?"

"That's right Arnie, it's me. Coach Whitenburg."

"B-but why?"

"Because I wanted to be a kidnapper! Don't you see that? I was going to be the kidnapper in the author of this story's little brother's story, but NO! He didn't choose me. He didn't even finish the story! So I came up with this plan, see. This brilliant plan to sneak into this story, unseen and undetected. And it worked! I am now officially a kidnapper! MWAHAHAHAHA-"

"Wait a minute," Helga asked, "you mean that we watched all those episodes for nothing?"

"Um…yeah? But that's not important! What is important, is winning. And Tish. Winning and Tish, Tish and winning. They're real close! And then there's air hockey. Winning, Tish, and air hockey. They're all up there in the top three! Well, I guess winning is…but then there's Tish, and-"

"Let's go," Arnold mouthed to Helga. He took her hand and they started tiptoeing to the door. They were almost there, when-

"Uhh…so. You thought you could end the story without…uhh…meeting me…uhh…did you?"

"Oh no! It's the voice!" Coach Whitenburg gasped.

"The voice?"

"The horrible wheezing voice that's followed me ever since I got here!"

"Wait, you mean that's not your partner?" Arnold asked.

"No, my partner left a long time ago."

"Where'd he go?"

Coach Whitenburg exploded into song.

"Meat Land! Barbeque! It's fun-"

"GOOD!" a voice screamed from nowhere.

"-good, for me and you! La la la la la la! Ding!"

"I didn't need to see that."

"Come on! While he's not looking! Let's go!"

"No! Please, don't leave me! I can't bare to be alone with the voice!" Coach Whitenburg screamed.

"That's just Brainy!" Helga exclaimed. "Don't you know anything? Every time there's a strange wheezing voice, it's always-"

"I…uhh…am not…uhh…Brainy."

"Th-then who are you?"

It was then that they heard the footsteps. The horrible, echoing, heavy footsteps. They were coming towards the door. Closer and closer and closer…

The door slowly slid open. There stood…

THE REVEREND!

"God is in his holy temp- hey! This isn't the men's room!"

"Oh, aren't you clever, Einstein," Helga said sarcastically.

"Today is Tuesday!"

"How'd you know that?"

"Because! I'm…smart!"

"No you're not. You thought an underground laboratory was the men's room."

"You should try watching TV. It makes you smarter," Arnold suggested.

"YOU ARE GONNA DIE IN THERE! YOU HEAR ME? DIE! THAT INDIAN IS UP TO NO GOOD! YOU MUST LET ME INTO YOUR HOME! THE END OF THE WORLD IS COMING! YOU MUST LET ME I- hey, what's that?"

They all listened.

"Uhh…uhh…"

"It's the voice!" Coach Whitenburg screamed.

The Reverend turned and looked down the hallway. What he saw was too horrible, to gruesome and deadly, for words to even describe. The Reverend ran screaming into the room until he hit the other side, where he promptly blew up.

"Uhh…uhh…"

The voice was now right outside the door. Helga screamed and jumped into Arnold's arms. Arnold found this somewhat familiar. Then he realized with a start were this had happened before.

"IT'S WEASIN' ED!" he screamed.

They all watched in horror…as Uniqua stepped into the room.

"IT'S A MONSTER!"

"IT'S WEASN' ED!"

"IT'S PINK!"

"IT'S MAGENTA'S MOTHER!"

Everyone stopped screaming at that comment. They all turned to see who had said it. There stood a man whom none of them had ever seen before. He looked basically just like any old guy, but something about him was different. He seemed rather, cartoonish…

"Allow me to introduce myself," the man said. "My name is Craig Bartlett."

He pulled out a large Bazooka and shot Coach Whitenburg.

"I'm sorry that idiot put you through so much trouble. I never should have brought him into this world to begin with."

"You're his dad?" Arnold asked.

"Um…no, that's not quite what I meant. You see-"

"GOODBYE MOON! I'LL SEE YOU NEXT JUNE. NOW I'M LOOKING FOR A SPOON!"

"Are you going to attempt to make this story have a reasonable ending?" Arnold asked.

"Well, I was, but…" Craig looked around. "I guess it's beyond repair. Maybe it should just end."

"You mean, just end? Like, now? Without any satisfying conclusion?" Helga asked.

"Well…yeah. I mean, do you have anything better to do?"

"Yeah, I can think of a few things," she said, glancing at Arnold.

"TOO BAD! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

And they all lived happily ever after.

THE END!