Sitting back in his chaise lounge, the ocean in front of him and no other soul around, gave Tim McGee the serenity to release the tension, to allow it to finally begin to slide away, bringing a blessed numbness in its place. Here he was, just off the toughest conversation he had with Leon Vance since his stint in Cybercrimes three years ago, when the man had ordered him not to say a word about the work he was doing to Gibbs, and yet he was alive to tell the tale.
That order, to withhold information from Gibbs, given by the then newly installed NCIS Director, Leon Vance, had been the first nail of many driven right through the very foundation upon which Team Gibbs had been built. Hand crafted, actually, by Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Yet Tim had found the strength within himself to face the man and tell him something he never thought he would need to say.
**Flashback**
"Director Vance. I know it's late but I need to talk to you when you have some time."
"All right, Agent McGee. I can spare you some time. What's on your mind?"
"Well, Sir. I need…I need to…"
"Spit it out, Agent McGee."
"Sir, I need to resign."
"Need?
"Yes, Sir."
"I'd like an explanation, Agent McGee."
"Yes, Sir. I know."
"Okay. I'm listening."
"Sir, I can't work on a team where absolutely no one has my back. There have been a few times over the years where I have had cause to question if I was expendable to this team. Over the last four months, I've discovered that I was right to question it, that's exactly what I've become to them. It's time for me to move on. "
"Explain."
"Director Vance, I'm not here to stir up trouble; especially from old cases. However, there have been quite a few examples over the years. The one that pushed it to the limit was what happened in Mexico."
"I understand that was a situation you managed to keep control of quite well, Agent McGee. I apologize for not saying something about this sooner, but you did an incredible job down there. You are to be commended for the way you handled the situation with the Reynosa Cartel. Keeping your cool and quickly thinking to offer your life for those of the students and Ms. Scuito is not something to soon be forgotten, Agent McGee. "
"Thank you, Sir. But the truth is, I lost control of that trip the minute Abby decided that she wasn't happy that I was the Agent assigned to protect her while she was in Mexico."
"When did that happen?"
"Before the two of us stepped into your office - the day we left, Director."
"I see. Go on. There had to be more to this."
"There was. When we got down to Mexico, Abby made it plain that what I had to say wasn't important. She completely blew off my cautionary orders as her protection detail. Her exact words were that I was being a party pooper. I should have seen it coming, since she's done it before - and again since then." Tim admitted with a touch of anger.
"That incident in Mexico was over four months ago, Agent McGee. Why this decision now?"
"Director, I thought she'd learned from what happened in Mexico. Apparently, all she learned was that I would still be handed the blame for her actions. What happened just today has sharply reminded me of several incidents since then that have turned out very similar. The bottom line is I know that I am right about this. More importantly, it has gotten to the point where every single person on Gibbs' team is completely disregarding my safety and well-being. It's time for me to move on to a job where I'm not expendable to the people I work for or with."
"I certainly don't agree that you're expendable, Agent McGee. Care to explain?"
"No, Sir. I'd rather you read the reports in question, if that's all right."
"Agent McGee, I've read the case reports on every case your team has handled since the Mexico trip. I didn't find anything in any of the points to this decision of yours."
"No, Sir, you wouldn't. I wasn't referring to the official reports. I was referring to the personal ones I write for each case for this reason alone."
"Alright. What kind of notice are you giving me?"
"The minimum required so I won't adversely affect my record, Sir. I'm sorry, but I no longer feel safe working with this team."
"Agent McGee. An agent of your caliber and expertise does not come along very often and if you think this Agency is just going to allow itself to lose you, you're mistaken. Are you open to transferring to another position?"
"Honestly, Sir. Not really. Considering the reputation Gibbs' team has earned, walking away from it will be seen as a demotion and I don't believe it would look good on my record. In addition, I would never hear the end of it. That kind of scuttlebutt isn't something I'd wish on anyone."
"I'm sure I could find you a position that would be an obvious step up. Will you give me that chance?"
"Sir, as long as I'm genuinely qualified for the position, I'd be willing to consider that possibility."
"Good."
"Sir, I have 30 days of Annual Leave that I haven't used. I know it's a lot to ask, but is there any way I could use some of that now?"
"Seems to me, you're due some vacation time. I can give you two weeks."
"Thank you, Sir."
"All right. I'll have options available for you when you come back.."
"Sir, if you don't mind, I'd like to leave my agency phone here during that time and I'd rather not have anyone here knowing where I am."
"I have no problem with that."
"Thank you, Director."
"Just one thing before you go, Agent McGee."
"Sir?"
"I want a list of every case that helped lead you to this decision."
"Sir?"
"I want the case number for every case that has contributed to this decision."
"Yes Sir. I'll take care of that right away."
"Agent McGee, I also want every one of the corresponding personal reports you just spoke of. I have to ferret out the real problem here and where it came from, how long it's been going on and how to stop it. I need all the information I can get if I'm going to be able to prevent this from ever happening again."
"I'll get them to you before I leave the building today, Sir."
"You have my word, Agent McGee. Whatever you give me to read that is not in those official reports, will not be added even now. Doesn't mean I won't be having a nice long talk with whomever I need to, but I will see to it that the official information doesn't change."
"Thank you, Director."
"Good. Carry on, Agent McGee."
**End Flashback**
Tim had no idea what options Vance would offer him, but the younger man was nervous about the whole situation. Truth be told, Vance was responsible in the first place for the sense of being expendable to the agency. The minute the Director had demanded that Tim not be honest with Gibbs, he understood the agency head did not care one bit about the trust that had been built up between Gibbs and his team. It didn't matter if Gibbs felt he could no longer trust his agents, because after all, Vance had no plan to put the team back together.
Officer David: the liaison position with NCIS is being terminated.
McGee... I'm moving you across to the cyber crimes unit.
DiNozzo... you've been reassigned. Agent afloat; USS Ronald Reagan. Pack your bags-
you fly out tomorrow.
Agent Gibbs... meet your new team.
In fact, looking back now at Vance's demeanor and attitude when he first showed up, it was easy to see and believe the newcomer had manipulated the whole ordeal, counting on the team breaking up on a much deeper level than just physically being separated. His demands had been the tool he used to crack through the foundation of trust, faith and security that made up the walls of solidarity that surrounded Team Gibbs. Obviously, Vance had been a hell of a lot more successful than even he had realized.
It hadn't been anything Gibbs had said but it had certainly been in his eyes every time he looked at Tim during the course of that case. Even when the case had been solved, or so they'd thought at the time, things hadn't improved much, with the exception of Tim being brought up out of the basement and returned to Gibbs' team. The fact that it had been done with no spoken word between Gibbs and him, confirmed it for Tim. He was left wondering why the hell Gibbs had even asked for him back, if he even had done so or if Vance had just decided he was no longer needed in Cybercrimes since the case had been cracked.
It had been great to have Ziva back and back on the team. Seeing the way Gibbs had welcomed her back had established that the boss was emotional when he allowed himself to be. He did care when he allowed himself to, as he obviously did with Ziva. When the next case came from Tony, Tim was once again brought up short by the way in which the boss allowed himself to show that he cared. Again, it drove home the painful truth that Tim himself was not on that list of people Gibbs cared about enough to let them see it.
I really need to come home, Boss.
I'm working on it.
DiNozzo.
Pa?
You take care of yourself.
Miss you, too, Dad.
Getting Tony back to the team had been a realistic expectation and a necessary step in putting things back to rights for the team as a whole. However, the Senior Field Agent's return had been an even bigger revelation for Tim.
It was a long four months. I've got to say it's great to be home. Not that I didn't think I wouldn't be coming back because...
Gibbs smiles at Tony and shakes his hand in welcome.
It had been at that moment, when Gibbs had shaken Tony's hand to welcome him back and had done it with a huge smile on his face that Tim had finally understood that his fears had been well founded. Vance had splintered Team Gibbs; or at least had splintered Gibbs and Tim, even while allowing; expecting them, even, to once again work together as if nothing had transpired. And Tim had immediately been returned to the position of 'the one that doesn't need to be shown we care'.
No matter what else had happened between then and now, Tim still held the belief that Vance, in making those first decisions as Director, threw that one crucial element out the window without a care in the world as to how it would affect them as individuals. Trust.
Sure, the needs of the Agency came first, always would. But those needs could not be adequately met if the people responsible for carrying out the work couldn't trust the people they worked with and didn't feel safe working with them. Everything he'd seen since then, had only served to solidify that comprehension.
To be honest, Tim admitted to himself that the first time he felt like he didn't matter as an individual, specifically, that whether he lived or died hadn't mattered, had been at Pax River. They'd landed that case of the drug ring on the base, went to serve a warrant and he'd been attacked by an 80 pound coked-up German Shepherd. He got the simple message Gibbs had sent when he and Ducky had, carelessly and without regard to Tim's injuries or any shock he may have been experiencing, ordered Tim to drive the dog that had just attacked him back to the Navy Yard. 'Punishment and complete disregard for your welfare. You do not matter.'
Abby's behavior, while worst of all, couldn't be thrown on the pile with the rest of the team, simply because no one else had been privy to the less than decent way she treated Tim. The exception to that, of course was the crappy way she spoke to him out at the Base when she snippily told him to put a muzzle on himself. That, certainly should have gotten the boss's attention as to how she was behaving towards him.
Tony's stunt of putting the "When Dogs Attack" cd in Tim's computer and rigging it to start when he touched his mouse, not even a full 24 hours after Tim had been attacked and bitten, was another prime example. There was complete disregard for his health and wellbeing, both physically and emotionally. With no warning, an 80-Pound dog had FLOWN through the open door and attacked Tim's jugular and arm.
Tim had still been feeling the pain and after-effects from the injuries and life-threatening situation, when Tony had followed up the attack with that prank. Since there had been no consequences for the Senior Field Agent, what there had been, quite obviously, was a complete disregard for Tim's health or even realization that it was a terror Tim didn't deserve to have to relive for the sake of a sick joke by his juvenile and thoughtless teammate.
Tim could very well have had a heart attack right then and there, and chances were that Tony would have just found that sidesplitting hilarious on top of everything else. Ziva's laughter hadn't helped. But the worst had been Gibbs and his blasé attitude about it. That had certainly driven the point home.
"Just like my team, all bark and no bite." In other words: Nothing that had happened to Tim, no matter who the culprit, mattered one iota."
There had been other incidents before and after that where he'd taken the fall for Abby, as well as incidents where his welfare hadn't mattered to his boss; the one person above all others on the team who was supposed to care and safeguard the most.
All of this had left Tim feeling beaten and with no place to turn now. He drew in a deep breath and slowly let it back out. How could he have done things differently? Where had he screwed up? There was little doubt that he had. He'd never claimed to be or believed himself to be better than anyone else or even perfect. Sure, there'd been times he'd acted dumb or jealous or fed up and angry. He was human with plenty of mistakes, and things he wished he could take back, under his belt. Who didn't?
The more Tim thought about where things stood between him and the team now, the more unhappy he felt. He hated that he was doing the ole 'cut and run' crap. It had pissed him off when Gibbs had done it. Hell, it had hurt like hell when the boss had abandoned the team and fled to Mexico. But the man had been living through a horrendous ordeal and so it had been a lot easier to let go of everything and just be happy his boss was alive and most likely on his way to as full a recovery as possible.
When Gibbs had come back, everyone had been so wrapped up in how the changes were affecting Tony that no one seemed to give a rat's butt about how the whole mess had affected the rest of the team. The trust that had been crucial, earned and given, was now taken for granted and abused repeatedly, during that time and countless times since then. So little of it was now left, he found he could no longer stand to be in the same room very long with any of them.
The trouble was that no matter how hurt, betrayed, used or disregarded he felt, they were still a family; knitted together from the fabric of everything they'd been to each other and been through with each other in the past six years. And family didn't just walk away when things got dicey.
Never leave a man behind
That long-standing principle of the former Marine had somehow been systematically ignored when it concerned Tim's welfare. And yet Tim had trouble accepting the changes that were coming. He'd set them in motion in the heat of the moment, filled with complete frustration and betrayal from his team; most especially the one member who had never, ever before failed to watch out for him and keep the others in check.
Ducky had been his lifeline when all the others had so carelessly disregarded him or treated him as their main source of entertainment. He'd been the surrogate Uncle who could always be counted on to be there for you. They all relied on the M.E. to keep Gibbs in check and even Director Vance had shown that he knew that.
But now, after the hot tub incident, Tim felt a deep sense of betrayal from the one person he'd never in a million years expected to let him down – and certainly never so spectacularly. He'd been so seriously let down, he wasn't sure he had the ability to get back up this time. Guess that's why I took the easy way out.
Wait a damn minute! Easy way? Hardly! Hell, I've been bustin' my ass puttin' up with this crap for how long now? Since nobody seems to be interested in speaking up, I deserve to speak up for myself. I shouldn't have to be ANYBODY'S scapegoat! Easy way, my foot!
But I don't want this! I don't want to stop being a Field Agent just because they can't stop treating me like that. Hell, I don't want a promotion that takes me away from doing what I love doing! Why should I have to give up anything?
I don't know how to fix this mess!