this just cameout after.. a long hot shower and two horrible weeks.

I never mentonesd names, because of my own fate resembling Sasuke's oh so much.

sorry for typos and bad grammar, but i'm not in the mood to re-read.

writing it was downright enough.

Hate was just a faze of the simple-minded people, I had come to realize throughout my life.

There had been no real point to it. No real happy end, no real romance, just one real, living, breathing, walking nightmare, and that was always and shall always remain, only myself.

There had been no reason driven through my veins other than hate. No smile to lighten up my day, no kiss goodnight, all vanished in a flash and soon became forgotten like it had never existed. not ever, not even once.

It seemed as though only I remembered. Only me. Since I was the last of them, probably it made sense.

I was fucked up. Pretty fucked up. I had seen the death of those dearest to me and that had left my heart numb. Either that or it was me that made my heart go numb, and as much as i'm recalling, it was the latter.

I had so much sorrow welled up, there was no place for anything on the lines of friendship, or any other humanly interaction with my fellow comrades and those, who despite me being bitter and withdrawn considered themselves my friends.

I just sat, day by day doing what I knew I needed to do, being, or at least, aiming to be the best as I always had, but this time, with no joy when I succeeded. Everything was numb. Each day I would sit and stare at everyone else; the way they bickered, the way they laughed, the way they whispered during class, was all one big game for them. Life was one big game for them, as for me, who had encountered loss, was one private hell that no one could break through. I was trapped within my own private hell where no one could find me. My mind was the only safe place. The only place I could at least try to live their spirits on, by never letting go of them. They were always there in a way, and as a child i went head-over-heels to deny what had happened. But no words could bring them back. Denial was just part of death, they all said, I knew they were right, and I did give into it.

But denial was just part of everything. Every friendship anyone swore to never have lost, every summer people promised within themselves to always remember, as it fades away, you dwell into denial, and then sorrow comes, and then, you forget. Either you forget about those people in your life that had vanished, no matter of circumstance, or you forget to feel, and to stand up on your own feet again.

I thought I had stood up on my feet. Thought that I had sworn never to have a real bond with anyone, because all I achieved by that was betting hurt all over. But some people i did let into my heart, because they just found their way there, unwillingly.

Leaving them was one of the hardest choices i have ever made, and now.. in this moment, sitting here, in a chilly night I think back to all the times I tried to deny my happiness while I was with those people and my hearth aches as I feel my head slump forward: they were my friends, my family-reincarnated- i realized.

i didn't want to hurt anymore, and I ended up hurting them.

i didn't want to be the one left behind anymore, so i ended up being the one leaving them behind.

But that did not change things. If anything it made my life so much worse. I am all alone, haunted by the ghosts of my past each time I look into a mirror, each time the wind blows, each time the rain falls, each sleepless night, each careless dream, each breath, each moment of my existence.

I have too much pride to turn my back now, though.

My friends, my family. I loved them and I still love them. I owe them for being who I am now. I owe them for being the reason. The reason for me being, they gave me strength, the strength to be something. To be something better. Even if better counted as worse in their eyes.

Love was and always will be terrible. But on a second thought love isn't terrible. It just reminds us that we're all alone, that's all.