I set the camera to face me. I had never revealed my face to the fans before. I just posted recordings of my songs on the site and used a black backdrop with lyrics playing at the right times. I wasn't anyone special, despite the huge number of people commenting on my uploaded videos since my third song went viral. They all wanted to see me. Now they're going to… but I guess they'll wish they'd never asked me to show them who I am. I lean forward just enough to press the record button and I see my face pop up on my laptop that I plugged the camera into.
"Hey guys. My name is Gray Fullbuster," I smile. It's by no means a big cheesy smile like the ones some actors have on TV. It's this half-assed flash of white that I only manage to keep up for about two seconds before it fades away again. I move on from my greeting. "Here I've gone by the name Faceless. This is going to be my last video… my last song. I'm leaving to a better place. None of you will ever see me again, but I-," I pause. "Before I sing this song, I want everyone to know that when you hear about what I did, I did it because it's the only way I can be happy. That's the one thing that has to be clear," I say, even as my voice catches in my throat and goes a decibel higher, even as a tear slides down my cheek and I offer a more genuine, watery smile, "That I did it because I'm happy... I fell in love with someone who isn't here anymore… and that this, all of this, is for him."
I wipe the stray trail of saltwater from my cheek and clear my throat. "Anyway, here it is. I hope you all enjoy it."
I start to sing, voice levelling out with the words as I press play on the app on my phone and the beat I made rings out clearly, echoing against empty wooden floors.
Don't cry, baby, don't cry
We were meant for a short life
Don't try, baby, don't try
It's too late to save my mind
Oh, how far would you go?
You're making crazy plans
I'm not worth all this pain, oh
What are you doing?
Don't you want a future
A romance,
No, baby you are not to blame, oh
Just don't cry, baby, don't cry
We were meant for a short life
Don't try, baby, don't try
You are still one of a kind
And no one else may see you,
No one else may know
They don't get to keep you
And I'm never letting go
So don't cry, baby, don't cry
I said we were meant for a short life!
Don't try, baby, don't try
It's too late
You're deep inside
My mind
My mind
Just how far would I go…. I'm making crazy plans…
But I swear you're worth the pain,
No I'll never love another, not that kind of man
Because your smile is all I know...
So don't cry, baby, don't cry
We were meant for a short life
Don't cry, baby, don't cry
Everybody has to die…
Sometime….
So if tonight a life is lost
I will gladly pay the cost
If it means that this time….
I'll get forever at your side.
I lost count of how many times my voice cracked, how many times I paused a little too long to force myself to speak again, how many times I had to look down because looking at my reflection in the camera lens and at him behind me, knowing that I was the only one who could see him, that no one else would ever understand no matter how much I tried to explain was too much. My options had been reduced to two. Him or the world. I chose him.
As my song ended, I looked up into the camera lens, tears streaming down my face, knowing I could only do this, reveal so much about myself, because I wouldn't have to deal with the fallout.
The camera was still hooked up to my laptop. The image I saw in the lens matched that on the screen in all ways but one. The laptop didn't show him, whereas I smiled at his reflection in the lens, playing it off as a smile for the audience. No one else would see his tears. No one else would ever know how hard he tried to stop me. No one else would ever realize that he would blame himself. No one would ever know that I loved him more than I could ever put into words. That the songs I'd released paled in comparison to the way he made me feel. All they would know is that I was gone, just after they got their first glimpse of me.
"Thank you," I said as I ended the video and proceeded to post it. I didn't bother editing it. This wasn't really for them. This was more for me to leave my mark behind, like he had left his. Something to be remembered by, so that I could finally be happy.
I felt the liquid pouring down from my wrist onto the wooden floor. I wonder how they're going to clean that. I wonder how big of a mess I just made.
Still, as the light fades from my vision and I look into his crying eyes, his beautiful flawless eyes that no one else can see, one thought rings clear in my head. It's a beautiful thought. Honest. True.
He's worth it. He's worth everything.