AN: So one day when I was watching Drawn Together I thought 'Hey! What if Banjo Kazooie was an Adult Swim show? So guess what? I decided to come up with a few ideas for episodes! For people who don't like these kind of fictions you should just leave! And take your boring life with you too….I am sorry that was rude XD
Anyway on with the first oneshot in which Grunty actually tries to get better at life by getting a boyfriend. Wow! OOC much? WHERE'S YOUR NIPPLE!
Episode 1 – PILOT
It was a calm day in Spiral Mountain…the sun was shining, the sound of water could be heard and the fish were mating peacefully in their homes. What a lovely day to start the Spring…
"GET BACK HERE YOU BIRD AND BEAR! WHEN I CATCH YOU I'M BRINGING YOU BACK TO MY LAIR!" Gruntilda shouted as she chased after Kazooie and Tooty.
"No! I don't wanna go back there!" Tooty shouted as she ran.
"Man, can't she just leave us alone for once?!" Kazooie looked back at the witch and was surprised to see no one there, "Hey, she's gone!"
The two slowed down and then stopped running. Tooty bent down and put her hands on her knees as she began to pant, "I wonder where she could've went."
Kazooie looked to where Grunty once was, "The fat ass probably gave up."
"I never give up," a voice sounded from behind them. They froze as they turned. There was Grunty on her broom, "Seems you're out of luck."
"Yeah nice bullshit rhyming, hag," Kazooie commented.
"Silence! Don't question a witch!" Grunty started to conjure up a spell, "For I will kill you, you little - -"
"Gruntilda!" Another voice sounded. The three looked to the side and saw a man standing there. He has green skin, black messy hair, and was wearing black casual clothes. His red eyes were glued to Grunty, "I can't believe it! I haven't seen you in years!"
Grunty blushed hard and put her hand down, "Um, yes! I haven't seen you in years either."
Grunty tried to get down from her broom gracefully but failed as she fell flat on the ground. She got up with a red face and approached the guy, "What brings you to Spiral Mountain?"
Kazooie looked at Tooty with a blank face. She got the same expression back.
"Oh, you know just sightseeing and reliving memories. Hey remember the time we all put our cauldrons in the water and surfed down the water fall?" The guy smiled.
"Yes! Oh, that was a fun night! When we all snuck out of our dorm rooms at the Instituite of Witches and Wizards," Grunty was smiling. Like for real smiling. Also she wasn't rhyming. Kazooie and Tooty just watched the scene with curiosity.
"Ahhh the good old times…" the guy sighed with a smile, "Say, do you know any restaurants nearby? I want a proper meal for dinner tonight."
Grunty just stared. She couldn't think of anything.
"Um, there's a restraint outside of Spiral Mountain near Isle O' Hags called the Happy Oyster," Tooty sounded.
"Sounds great!" The man smiled. He then looked at Grunty, "Well I'll meet you there at 7.00 tonight."
"WAIT WHAT?"
"Yeah, I want you to join me! We can talk about the past and maybe go dancing after." He suggested.
Grunty didn't know how to respond. She quickly looked around at the bear and the bird. Tooty nodded her head. Grunty then turned back to the man.
"OK, I will join you," she replied.
"Great! Later tater!" The guy then walked off. Grunty just stared off into the distance as he disappeared.
"Wow, Grunty. I can see your boner," Kazooie sounded. Grunty turned to face her. She was about to comment but was stopped when Tooty spoke.
"Who was he?" She asked.
Grunty blushed, "My friend from college…"
"Are you sure he's just a friend?"
Grunty fell to the ground crying pathetically like a little bitch, "No! He was my first crush!"
"AND NOW YOU'RE GOING ON A DATE WITH HIM!" Tooty annoying exclaimed with glee.
"A date?"
"Yeah, he wants to take you to dinner and dancing!"
Kazooie smirked, "And maybe after he'll take you home to make some weird porn." Tooty looked at the with an irritated look.
"I've never been on a date. I don't know what to do!" Grunty panicked. She stood up and held her face in her hands.
"Well we can help you!" Tooty smiled.
"What?!" Kazooie exclaimed.
"We can help you get ready and teach you how to act!"
"But I'm so evil to you! Why would you want to help me?" Grunty asked.
"I'm just trying to help you out!" Tooty smiled sweetly.
"OK," Grunty agreed, "We have until 7.00. Then I must go."
"ON ONE CONDITION!" Kazooie butted in getting up in Grunty's face, "From now on, you do not start trouble for us! No kidnapping! No killing! No nothing! OK?"
Grunty nodded her head. With that they began to walk towards Banjo's house.
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"There's nothing on TV anymore. Just boring talk shows with people talking about their miserable lives and predictable talent shows," Banjo spoke dryly as he flicked through the channels on his TV.
"Mumbo miss car chases…and Playboy Mansion…" Mumbo also sighed as he watched the TV switch channels.
"I'm so tired of all this boring stuff I just feel like making my own TV show," Banjo commented.
Mumbo got off the sofa, "BEAR GENIOUS! MUMBO AND BEAR BE TV STARS! MAKE TV SHOW ABOUT CAR CHASE AND WOMEN!"
Banjo just remained silent for a while before speaking, "Mumbo that's a terrible idea…" Suddenly he hopped off the couch, "But we shall try it anyway!"
The front door opened.
"…I mean it! No funny business, Miss Horizontally Challenged." Kazooie's voice sounded.
Banjo and Mumbo turned and saw Kazooie with Tooty and…GRUNTY?!
The two screamed like two whiny girls as Mumbo jumped into Banjo's arms. Banjo threw Mumbo off to the side as he screamed and hid behind the couch.
"Pussies," Kazooie commented.
"Brother, you're supposed to be brave!" Tooty scolded Banjo.
"But she's in my house!" Banjo whispered.
"Kazooie and I have decided to help her get ready for a date that she has tonight," the younger bear replied valiantly.
"Date with Klungo?" Mumbo giggled but then groaned in pain due to Banjo throwing him into a wall.
"No! With a handsome young wizard. Now come on girls! To my bedroom!" Tooty gestured for Kazooie and Grunty to follow her. They were soon out of the living room. There was silence in the living room for a while.
"So, how about this TV show?" Banjo suggested as he came out from hiding.
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"So, if a man asks you to come back to his house to hang out after a date, what does this mean?" Kazooie questioned the witch.
Grunty looked confused, "Um…pizza with Netflix?"
"NO!" Kazooie snapped, "It means he wants in your pants!"
"Damn!" Grunty cursed.
Tooty was busy making an outfit for Grunty. She was sitting at a table struggling with her sowing machine.
"You never told us his name, Grunty," Tooty smiled.
"It's Scrote."
"Um, wow."
"Next question: Is it OK to show up fashionably late to a date?" Kazooie asked.
"Well…I want to look good so I guess that it is OK."
"NO!" Kazooie snapped again causing Grunty and Tooty to jump, "You don't want to seem obsessed with your looks. He'll think you're superficial."
"How many dates have you ever been on, Kaz?" Tooty asked.
"Why do you want to know?"
"I'm just curious."
"Well it's known of your business."
Grunty eyed the bird, "You've never been on a date before, have you?"
Tooty gasped, "WHY? KAZOOIE YOU DESERVE A MAN! YOU'RE SO ATTRACTIVE…well at least Men might find you attractive."
Kazooie rolled her eyes, "OK, I get asked from time to time but I just so no. I have to no time for guys."
"Then how do you know all of this information on the do's and don'ts of dating?" Grunty asked.
"Let's just move on," Kazooie glared, "Your date asks what you want to do tonight. What do you say?"
Grunty thought about it for a bit, "I dunno, what do you want to do?"
"OK, Grunty," Kazooie sighed, "You must show the man that you can be daring and risky. Not some little innocent giggling high school girl. So pretend I'm the guy." Kazooie uncomfortable sat beside Grunty and put her wing around her.
"Hey babe," Kazooie cringed as she put on a manly voice, "Let's go to the movies. What do you wanna see?"
Grunty stared uncomfortably for a while but finally got a hold of herself. How else was she to learn? She thought about her answer for a while. What would be a risky and daring answer. Something to get the guy and his boys going. It then hit her. She looked at Kazooie and answered, "Take a guess. And don't be wrong."
Kazooie stared wide eyed at her. Tooty had stopped working on the dress and also stared. Grunty looked worried.
"How about that?" She asked.
"That was really creepy coming from you but THAT WAS AMAZING!" Kazooie smiled with triumph, "I have taught you well.
Later around 6.00, Tooty had finished the dress and made a start on Grunty's hair and makeup.
~Meanwhile outside Banjo's house~
"OK, the sun is starting to set! Perfect shot for car wash scene!" Banjo spoke into a gramophone.
A whole filming crew sat outside with everything set up. There was a car that was covered in soapy water. Two girls were sitting on the car scantily dressed. Mumbo stood in front of them.
"Females wash car. Police show up. Females get in car. Drive away. Car chase scene. Crash car. Make out. Die…" he directed them.
"Can I just say," one of the girls started, "This is super degrading."
"Yah, we feel sorry for guys like you who can't get laid," the other girl commented.
Mumbo glared at the two. Before he could make a comment Banjo called out to him, "MUMBO! We're ready to roll!"
Mumbo sat down in a director seat beside Banjo.
"OK, lights – camera – ACTION!"
The two girls began to laugh flirtatiously as they washed the car and flung water at eachother.
"STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!" A pig wearing a police suit pointed at the girls, "Hand over the car and no one has to go to jail, ladies!"
The two girls hopped in the car and sped off. The camera crew followed them in a car of their own. A few minutes later, the car crashed. The two girls inside started crying for help. They then confessed their dying for eachother and started making out. Then…they both died. The End.
"AND CUT!" Banjo shouted. He stood up clapping, "That was amazing! Porky, you're acting is so spot on I thought this was real! And you two ladies, I actually believed you both died!"
The two didn't respond as they still lay still in the car.
"Mumbo thinks we have problem," Mumbo commented. Banjo turned to say something but was interrupted by the arrival of his sister, Kazooie and an improved Grunty.
"Oh myyy…" Banjo stared. The feathers on Mumbo's head sprung upright and stiff.
Grunty definitely looked improved. She wore some makeup and her short hair was now curled into a short bob. She had on a long dark purple dress that became light blue at the bottom.
"Now let's find this Happy Oyster place," Kazooie smiled as they made their way out of Spiral Mountain.
Banjo just stared. Grunty still didn't look her best but still. It was an improvement.
"Ummm, sir, the car is broken and the actresses are literally dead," a member of the crew stated.
"Aw shit," Banjo face palmed.
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The next day Banjo, Tooty and Kazooie sat at the breakfast table eating breakfast…well duh!
"She's agreed that she won't cause trouble for us anymore," Tooty said as she scooped some cereal into her mouth.
"But what if the date didn't go well," Banjo asked, "I doubt she'd be like 'Oh well, somethings aren't supposed to happen'. She would hunt you both down."
"That is a valid point. But if she tries anything we can just beat her ass up! We've done it so many times before!" Kazooie commented.
"True. But I'll feel like we've failed her…" Tooty replied, "I hope the date went fine."
The front door opened causing the three to stand up. Grunty trudged in closing the door behind her. Her back was to the three.
"Uh…so how'd it go with Scrote last night?" Tooty asked scared of the reply.
Grunty turned and beamed with a big smile on her face, "He wants to see me again!"
"Oh God that's amazing!" Tooty shouted with glee.
Just then another knock came to the door. Grunty turned and opened the door. To their surprise, in walked Jason Statham.
"JASON STATHAM? What are you doing here?" Banjo asked.
"I heard you filming a fresh new television program! Sounds right up my road. I want a role," Jason said with a deadly voice.
Banjo smiled obnoxiously, "So many good things happening in one day!"
Mumbo then entered the house carrying a bowl with a frog in it, "Mumbo frog dead…"
"Way to kill the mood, bone dick," Kazooie glared at him.
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Kazooie was off wandering around Spiral Mountain whilst Tooty was hearing the gossip from Grunty back at Banjo's place.
"Did you dance with him?"
"Yes. He was quite a great dancer," Grunty sighed dreamily.
"Did he give you any compliments?"
"He said I looked lovely."
"That's nice, I guess," Tooty muttered, "Well what happened after? Did you go back to his house?" She raised her eyebrows suggestively.
"Wait! You're only a little girl! You shouldn't know about these things," Grunty exclaimed.
Tooty sighed, "Oh come on. You actually think children of my generation are innocent? Please, we have the Discovery Channel."
"OK, no we did not go back to his house to do adult things," she admitted, "maybe next date though."
"Did you even kiss?" Tooty didn't actually want to know but couldn't help it.
"He kissed my cheek. Again, maybe next date."
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2 weeks had passed. Grunty was still dating Scrote who had literally come to see her every day. Kazooie and Tooty felt more and more triumphant by the day.
As for Banjo and Mumbo, by the first week of their TV show airing they had a pretty huge fanbase and Jason Statham was getting them the green paper. Things were finally looking up!
Well that is until the day that ruined everything happened. Kazooie and Tooty were hanging out at the water fall at the top of Spiral Mountain.
"So good to feel free without anyone to pester you right?" Kazooie asked Tooty as they were splashing at the water.
"Yeah, I also feel like we've achieved something!" Tooty exclaimed with joy.
"You know what? I'm in the mood for Witchy World! How about it?" Kazooie suggested.
"Sure!"
The two girls made their way through the cave leading to Isle O' Hags. Tooty was about to speak again but was silenced when Kazooie stopped suddenly. They looked into the cave. There were two figures. Kazooie gestured for Tooty to stay back.
"Tonight while we're out I need you to go up to her liar. This time look for that book that I wanted the first time! I've been stuck on dates with her since you can't do your job right!"
"Sorry, Master," A sickly voice said. It weezed. Kazooie felt nauseous.
"Don't fail me again! When you finally get the book you must tell me immediately. Then to prevent any trouble, I'll simply kill her when she's not expecting it." The 'Master' said.
Kazooie recognised the voice.
"But what if the bear and the bird interfere?" The weezy creature asked.
"Then I'll simply have to get rid of them too. Leave all the sad parts to Master Scrote."
Tooty gasped. Unfortunately, she gasped pretty loudly.
Scrote looked in their direction, "Oh speak of the devil."
Kazooie and Tooty ran out of the cave with Scrote hot on their tail. He was firing spells at them which they had the luck of dodging. Up ahead they saw Grunty making her way to Banjo's house.
"Grunty!" Kazooie shouted as she dodged another spell.
The Witch looked shocked as she saw the Breegull and Tooty fastly approaching her with Scrote hot on their tales, "What's going on?!"
When the two girls reached Grunty they hid behind her.
"Grunty! This whole thing is a lie! He's not sightseeing! He wants to kill you!"
"Don't listen to them, Gruntilda!" Scrote approached her, "They're lying. Don't forget they are your enemies."
Kazooie moved from her hiding spot and stood in front of Scrote, "He's the liar! While you guys are on your "dates" he sends his henchman to steal from your liar. He wants a boo- -"
Scrote covered her mouth, "Shut up, filthy bird. Grunty do you believe her?"
"You want a what? A boo?"
"He wants a boo- -" Tooty was also cut off as Scrote's other hand extended and covered her mouth.
"I want…uh…" he thought about it for a few seconds, "the boob! Yes! What they're supposed to say is that I want your boob, Gruntilda."
Grunty just stared. The conversation just got even weirder.
"Master!" The sickly creature sounded. They looked around and saw zombified newt wearing a lab coat. In his hand was a big book, "I saw you were in the Witches presence so I assumed you were on a date so I invaded her liar and got the book! Just like you said!"
Scrote stared at his henchman with an irritated face for a few seconds, "if only I had a third hand coming out of my ass. I could've shut you up by now."
Scrote felt a tight fist wrap around his neck. He released Tooty and Kazooie as he was lifted from the ground.
"How dare you play with my emotions," Grunty sneered, "I thought we were friends."
"Things change, bitch," Scrote coughed out.
"You used me just to steal my most powerful spells from my liar."
"Yeah I did."
"You made me feel special…"
"Oh you'll never be special."
With that Grunty threw Scrote far in front of her. He groaned in pain as he hit the ground. When he looked back Grunty was conjuring up a spell. He then stood tall and started to conjure up his own spell.
"This is for messing with my emotions!" Grunty shouted.
Scrote laughed. "You? Emotions? Please, you don't have- -"
He was abruptly interrupted as a car ran him over and drove into mountain leading to Grunty's. He was about to stand up but another car ran him over.
"AND CUT!" Banjo's voice shouted. He approached where Scrote's flattened body was now, "YOU ARE IN MY SHOT!"
"Mumbo think man dead," Mumbo also walked up to Banjo.
Jason Statham got out of his car and approached the two directors, "Thassit! I quit! We constantly are refilming scenes! I don't feel the adrenaline anymore! I'm fucking out!"
A helicopter then flew by and dropped a ladder. Jason grabbed onto the ladder along with Scrote's henchman who clung to his leg. They both flew away into the sunset.
Banjo and Mumbo just stared for a few seconds before the Shaman muttered, "Well fuck."
Kazooie and Tooty approached Grunty who looked really miserable.
"Grunty, we're so sorry this happened. We honestly thought he was a nice guy. I know you're probably heart broken right now but we want to know if we can remain friends. It was fun gossiping and giving you a makeover. We should hang out more often. Trust me," Tooty smiled sweetly. Kazooie stood behind her looking hasty.
Grunty stared for a few seconds before finally reacting. Out of nowhere she pulled out her broom, she shouted loudly causing Tooty and Kazooie to scream. They ran away as Grunty chased after them firing spells.
"YOU BOTH ARE DEAD BECAUSE I'M SEEING RED!" Grunty rhymed as she shouted.
"We don't need Jason Statham anyway," Banjo tried to smile.
"Statham overrated anyway," Mumbo sighed.
"Who needs a house in Treasure Trove Cove anyway?"
"Mumbo no need money…"
The two looked at eachother and cried like babies whilst Grunty chased the two girls around Spiral Mountain.
*Roll Credits*