AN: This was my very first NCIS fic (besides a song parody I did last year). Constructive critcism is always good (contructive being the key word of course). I do want to get better at this whole writing thing :).
Enjoy.
Tony: I like dark, tight spaces.
Ziva: Unless, of course, they insist on some form of commitment.
Tony: I was referring to my childhood bedroom.
- Boxed In. Season 3 episode 12.
A Dark Space
1...2...3.
Breathe In.
1...2...3...
Breathe out.
Thinking about the dark makes Anthony's breathing slow and he listens to his heartbeat quiet.
The sleepy dark right before he wakes up from the good dreams is the best kind. The late night hikes they took at summer camp were in the dark too. Great black and white movies come on when it's so dark even the maids have gone to bed. It's the kind of dark that swallows you up so good, nobody can see you. They squint and they try but it is impossible to see all of you. You're practically invisible. He likes the dark. The dark is safe.
He listens at the door for any noise before wiggling his fingers in front of his face and sees nothing. He counts to three and takes another deep breath.
It had been so early when he got up this morning that it was dark then too. When he was sure Father was still in bed Anthony had pretended he was a spy or a ninja dressed in all black, creeping around the corridors on secret missions.
But then the sun came up and the world got lighter so Anthony had to be 'still' and 'civilized' when he ate his breakfast and 'quick' and 'not useless' when he did his morning lessons.
He worked until it was time to go to school and as he was doing up his shoe laces, the driver Paul waiting patiently by the mansion entrance, the study door opened. It was then that his father pulled him aside, eyes glassy and burning with anger and started yelling. Yelling.
Anthony was an ungrateful, selfish child.
Anthony caused so much trouble that his father wondered how anyone could ever put up with him.
In fact, Anthony's only in mission in life was to make him miserable.
But Anthony was not going to get the best of him.
Anthony and Father were going to have a real discussion in his study he got home from school.
His stomach clenched and his eyes welled up in hurt and confusion. When he asked Father "Why?" the man shook him, so hard the 9 year old thought he was going to fly out his father's grip and said
"You manipulative little whelp, you know why".
He wanted to shake his head 'no' but Father stared back at him daring him to say it that it wasn't fair, that he didn't understand.
So Anthony said "Yessir" and Father pushed him towards the door and told him to report to his study at 3:20 and not to be late. He didn't even seem to notice Paul still waiting when stalked off.
Anthony's face flamed with embarrassment. He'd been bad. His father told him so. And so much worse, he told him in front of Paul.
Paul kept looking at him on the ride to school but Tony would look away every time he caught his eye. He didn't want to see another person dissapointed in him today.
He got to the school at exactly 8:20.
5 hours until his punishment.
5 hours to think about what he'd done.
When he came into the study that afternoon Father would ask him. Anthony had to have an answer by then because if he said he didn't know, Father would get really angry. He hated it when Anthony didn't understand.
He tried to be still and read his primer but his stupid hand wouldn't stop shaking. Every time he thought about it his nose felt like it was going to run and his eyes would get all stingy. He definitely wasn't going to cry. That was DiNozzo rule number 1. So, he played drums with his pencils. He made whale noises during their lesson about the ocean. He pulled Samantha Tyler's pig tails. Anthony was loud and the class laughed and Ms. Manning scolded and all the noise blocked out the sound of the clock ticking down.
At recess Tommy Herkins teased him again about how his mom was a crazy drunk and asked him when she was getting out of the Wacky Shack. Anthony felt his ears get hot. He felt his eyes start to burn again but this time out of anger. So what if it was true? He wanted to punch Tommy right in his guts. But he couldn't hit Tommy without his father finding out and knowing they were talking about Mother. Blinking back the tears, he shrugged his shoulders and stuck out his tongue.
He and Tommy played a round of 'Off the wall'.
It was fun.
But then, after lunch, the teacher gave them back their spelling tests and Oh. He got a B.
He really, really wanted an A.
He had gotten the idea last week while he was watching a sitcom. He would slip the A paper onto his Dad's desk when he wasn't home. Then maybe if his Dad noticed it, he'd know Anthony was listening when he lectured him about not slacking off. He might even want to stick it on the fridge like the Dad did on the television. He really did try to get that A.
He didn't know why he was so upset about a stupid B. It wasn't like he was going to get in trouble or anything. His dad didn't care about B's... and he was already mad at him anyways...
Anthony's eyes got all stingy again. And then all the kids started staring at him so he put his head on his desk over crossed his arms. The kids were staring at him and the teacher was rubbing his back and asking him what was wrong in front of everybody but he couldn't make himself stop. Pretty soon Ms. Manning was dragging him out the classroom by the hand like some big baby.
She gave him a paper cup of water and wouldn't stop asking him if he was okay.
He didn't feel okay. He was tired, he hated B's, he wished his mom would come home and he only had 1 more hour before he had to face his father, who would ask him if he knew why he was being punished and he just didn't know.
He wiped his face on his sleeve and told her he was tired.
She told him to spend the rest of the day in the nurse's office.
The Nurse let him lay down on one of the red mats they keep for the kids who've thrown up. By then Anthony had gotten himself together but was so exhausted he didn't care.
He turned his head towards the wall and closed his eyes.
When the Nurse woke him up it was time to go home.
He got in the backseat and Paul greeted him but he didn't answer back.
He didn't have much time to think.
It was tricky because sometimes what he thought wouldn't get him a punishment, got him a punishment. And sometimes, what he thought would earn him a whipping for sure didn't catch his father's attention at all.
He thought of making something up but if it wasn't what his father was thinking he could end up in even more trouble.
And then another thought occured to him. What if his father found out he'd been crying? What if Ms. Manning called him?
His stomach clenched in anticipation and he felt almost dizzy.
He didn't want to go home. The very thought made him feel like he was going to throw up right there in the car. He wanted to find a small, dark cave to crawl into. Some place where nobody could see what a scared baby he was. Anywhere but home.
A voice broke him out of his thoughts.
"Tony? You alright back there?"
Paul peeked at him through the rear view mirror
"Yessir" Anthony whispered. Usually he liked it when the man called him 'Tony' but right now it just reminded him of how much his father hated it.
"Tony... This Morning ... Why-What happened?"
Anthony knew what he was asking. What did you do?
They were pulling into his street, passing the neighboring mansions that led up to his house.
He imagined his father at home. Finishing off another drink. Getting angrier and angrier.
Do you know why you're here, Boy?
He gave the only answer he could think of.
"Somtimes I'm just bad, I think"
Paul didn't say anything more.
They pulled up to the DiNozzo mansion, but instead of pulling into the front entrance, the one that led to the main hall and the living room and his father's dreaded study, the car rolled around to the back. Anthony blinked in confusion. This was the Help's wing.
Paul parked and then opened the back door. Anthony stepped out hesitantly and the two stared at each other before Paul said
"Anthony. I think you should go to your room now"
Tony stared at him
"But... Father-"
Paul put his hand on his shoulder and Tony flinched
"Tony, listen to me. I think you should go through that door. To your room. And stay there for a while, Okay?"
He looked at Paul in consideration and realized. He was getting an out. The maid's wing was nowhere near his father's study. He could go through those doors up the back steps and to his room without bumping into the man. He didn't have to go to his father's study today. Not if he didn't want to.
It scared him. He'd never run away from a punishment before. Not even when he was small and so frightened that his father's biting words were enough to make him burst into tears before the punishment even began. He knew he should be a man, should go take his punishment. But Tommy Herkins was jerk, and he was a slacker and Ms. Manning probably called his father and told him he was a bratty, shameful crybaby today. And to top it all off, there wasn't enough time. He couldn't come up with an answer for his father. He couldn't do it.
Anthony looked at Paul and nodded. "Yessir"
Paul nodded back "Good Boy"
Anthony then took off . Through the back door, up the steps through the hallways, all the way to his bedroom and shut the door. But he still wasn't safe.
Father hardly ever came to his room, but he might come looking for him... and then he'd see Anthony standing there instead of the study where he should be. By then it'd be to late. It was after 3:20 by now. His father would know he'd defied him.
He could be coming up any moment now. Anthony wanted to dissapear. He wished for a small, dark cave.
A noise outside spurred him into action. He ran past his canopy bed, to the small, unused closet that was partially hidden by a book shelf. He tried tugging on the knob but the door was blocked by the heavy furniture in front of it. He panicked, yanking on it while hurriedly looking over his shoulder. He was whimpering in frustration when the door finally gave way. Squeezing through the small space, he shut the door quietly before sliding to the floor. Listening. Trying to calm his labored breaths.
1...2...3... Breathe In.
1. Breath. 2... Breath...
His breathing becomes more frantic as he hears his father's booming voice calling his name. Yelling really scary things.
He's coming. Any minute now he's coming. And then it'll be too late. He knows what Anthony has done now and it'll be too late.
1. B-Breath. 2... Breath. 3 -
He really wants to run out, to tell Father "I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I'll take my punishment now." But he can't. It's done. Besides, there's a chance Father might not find him in the dark. That he might forget. Sometimes his father forgets. Anthony knows this and so he stays. In the dark where it's safer. For now.
It's small and weak of him, he knows and he's really sorry, but he doesn't want another lesson. Not today. He wants to be invisible for a while. Just until he can come up with an answer.
A selfish, disobedient son. Sometimes he hates it when his father is right. If he could take it back he would.
The yelling quiets.
1...2...3... Breathe In. Out. In. Out.
He lies still and lets the dark surround him.
Thinking about the dark makes his breathing slow and he listens to his heartbeat quiet.
It's the kind of dark that swallows you up so good, nobody can see you. They squint and they try but it's impossible to see all of you. You're practically invisible. He likes the dark. The dark is safe.
Thanks for reading.