No need to say it's good to have seen TCOT Carefree Coronary before reading this one.
1. I DO ?
[TVshowscene starts here]
He is in the court room, the coroner is speaking, and he tries to concentrate on the facts displayed.
And though he has papers to study, details to remember by heart and reasons enough to think in all different layers of the truth at the same time, to interpret what he hears, he's aware of her presence before she's even close to the door that is about to open.
His facial muscles tense. He pretends nothing is going on, that nothing can be going on beyond his control, but he feels that something has happened.
What is it, Della? Where are you ?
And then she walks into the room, he feels it before it's happening, he smells her perfume and hears her voice in the nano seconds before she breathes his name in a way he knows something is very wrong.
Then he sees her, in his peripheral sight, throws his papers on the table, turns, stands up without thinking, directs all his attention to her, and the world stops mattering as he detects the nature of the tears that threaten to spill over her flushed face.
It's desperation, fear.
My God.
His heart starts racing.
Her right hand is on her cheek, she squeezes her purse against her side, something she would never do because it is not ladylike, and so it is not like her, but she does it now, and that is another sign that there is a situation that moves beyond him.
For one moment he looks to the side, to the coroner, sees nothing but a blur, but says what is appropriate, quickly. " Excuse us, Mr. Coroner … " Before the coroner can answer and give permission, his head swings back to her, and he hopes the right words leave his lips.
Baby, what's wrong ?
" What's wrong ? " He grabs her upper arms. Look at me.
" Dr. Hartland just called. Paul's had a heart attack. "
What ? Paul ?
The words do not reach his core. He refuses to let them get that far.
" He's dying … "
No.
She falls forward, sobs against his shoulder and he closes his arms around her loosely, but she molds herself against him so automatically, he has to stop himself from holding her closer, burying his face in her hair; has to stop himself from bending his neck to rest his forehead on her shoulder. He simply cannot do this, not here, not now, not in public. He can simply not endanger her in that way.
" He's dying … " She whispers against his shoulder.
No.
[TVshowscene ends here]
He wants to hush her, comfort her by swaying slowly and kissing her forehead, while he makes up reasons why it is not true what she says about Paul. But susurrant sentences have to be stored away for now. Apart from the fact that there are seemingly more important matters to attend to, he realizes again and simply that he can't display that he loves her.
The rays of Burger's eyes are already burning on his back.
Perry's sure Burger knows about the relationship that exists, that has been forming and establishing between him and Della Street. Burger is nobody's fool. Without a doubt, he must have deduced it from his sharp observations, he is, after all, the best D.A. that has ever stood in a court room. But Burger will never tell a soul, will never reveal this ultimate truth. It is true that Hamilton would never let Perry know publicly that he respects him, probably doesn't give a damn about public reputations for him personally, but knows as a professional he should take these forces into account. He can't care less maybe for the myth that has been created around Perry Mason, Attorney at Law. However, that myth, also does involve Della Street nowadays. Burger wouldn't want anything to happen to Della, and so he won't say a word about the affair between her and her boss. He wouldn't want to harm her.
Because Hamilton Burger is about as fond of Della as Paul is.
Paul.
'He's dying.' No. Not part of the plan. Can't be.
He breaths shallowly, unbalanced, unevenly, tries not to shudder, tries to prevent his nerves from taking over, but it is close to useless. Adrenalin shoots to a higher level. He looks into her eyes, realizes that maybe the officer behind her will see what feelings the lawyer's trying to hide. But the friend, the lover that's also part of Perry Mason, whether he likes it or not, has surfaced already because of the helplessness of the woman he holds in his arms.
" We're going to the hospital now. " He whispers to her, and he watches her nod. She's shaking, about to tear up again, and he has to make sure they will have left this room before she does.
Reluctantly, he lets go of her arms to take care of necessary formalities.
He walks to the middle of the room, lifts his face and opens his mouth, but the coroner raises his hand and nods. No need to explain this apparently; it's already somehow approved. Details will probably follow later, the adjournment is a fact and they can leave. It must have been her posture, or his posture, or her teary face or the combination of the three that brought the message to the coroner before Perry could have done it with words.
They rush now, run through the hall way of the court house, they fly off the outside stairs together, are in a hurry to find the car, they need to get to the hospital, of course, and they have to be there, but what can they do? They will have to wait, maybe ? What has happened? What the hell has happened? A heart attack is impossible, at this stage of life, and as rugged as Paul is, the way he keeps himself in condition, the physical excercise he takes. That is, all physical excercise he takes, including some of the so called 'excercising' they don't really talk about together in detail, but share mischievous remarks about, like forty plus years old adolescents pretending to be grown-ups, feeling they are professionals on the subject.
A heart attack is impossible because of a lot of reasons but one is more important than all others, and they tumble over each other in his mind, working overtime.
Paul. Damn it.
Della.
She throws his car keys at him, uncharacteristically moves to the door at her own side, waits until he's unlocked it from the inside. She climbs in while he starts the engine, she clutches her purse to her side again while the car drives away and its passengers think without sound until he speaks.
" What happened ? " He asks her, he needs to know if she knows.
" I don't know. " She sniffs. " We have to find out. "
" Yes. " He has to stop the car at a red light, taps the gass pedal, in a way the engine roars as a sign of his impatience.
Paul.
All he's done, all that they've been through together travels through his mind at lightning speed. All their time spent together. All their work. The crimes they almost committed themselves to solve the crimes they were investigating, the discussions they had, every damn mistake they made, everything they learned, all the trips they took together before … Della.
Paul.
The amount of bottles they shared. The evenings they dated the most beautiful ladies, had fun with girls, nights they fooled around, the numerous times he lied for Paul because of a woman, the times Paul lied for him because of a woman, before … Della.
Paul.
The ladies that have been on their side, the ladies that were in his bed, in Paul's bed, the fun they had, … the ladies they shared, before … Della.
Then it hits him.
'He's dying.'
" No. " Without warning he suddenly steers the car to the side of the road, he halts abruptly, and sits still. His hands are damp on the wheel. His chest rises and falls quickly in an unstable rhythm and she notices, starts to worry.
" Perry? "
" Just a minute … " He pants.
" What are you doing? "
" Just a moment … " He shuts off the engine, holds the car key in his right hand and sits back. His breathing is uncontrollable.
" Perry? " She starts panicking.
" I'm okay … I just … " He reaches for the door handle, opens the door and struggles to get out. Fumbling with his tie, he loosens it and opens the two top buttons.
" Perry! " She yells after him, throws herself across the front seat to climb out of the car at his side.
" Della … " He breaths consciously, in and out, tries to stabilize it, but it's no use. He doesn't know where he is, doesn't know the time of the day, doesn't know where he came from and does not know where he is going to.
The ground he's standing on is a swamp. But it isn't.
He sinks. But he doesn't.
For God's sake, calm down, Perry Mason.
He starts walking. He has to get out of here, but out of where, and somehow, but how, and where is he going? And where the hell is he anyway? What is happening?
'Paul's dying …'
He's breathing very heavily, tries to control it still, but he fails. His heart is beating out of his chest.
Paul.
He closes his eyes, squeezes them together. Reaches out for something to steady himself with, grabs through the air, finds nothing. And then his fingers brush the fabric of her jacket, and he grasps to hold her at her upperarms, then lets go.
Paul.
He opens his eyes and the world is black.
'He's dying.'
" Stop it, Perry. " Della's voice is stable and low. It comes from afar, from a place somewhere in front of him, but somehow he's brought his hands against his cheeks and he can't see her.
" Perry. " She yanks one of his hands from his face, and because he feels it, he sees her fingers splay on their way up and then she hits him hard. He inhales, holds his breath.
The loud clap on his cheek brightens the world around him into the present.
He looks at her.
" Listen to me. Breathe. " She pushes her index finger against his shirt, just above the waistband of his slacks. He feels the pressure underneath his navel. " Breathe from here. Now concentrate. " Her voice is sharp.
It takes him minutes to consciously blow out enough air to balance himself again. He knows it is the excess of oxygen that caused the turmoil inside him. And now he knows she knows that too.
Slowly, while colours reappear, he feels she leans against him. Where are they anyway?
On the side of the road, but what road?
The road to the hospital. A road he knows by heart for all kinds of wrong reasons.
" I'm sorry. " He holds her. " Della. " Her arms wrap around his torso, loosely, and she rests her head against his now slow moving chest. He can rest his forehead on her shoulder momentarily and he does. He kisses her cheek before standing straight and tall, literally regaining his composure that way.
" Where did that come from, Perry ? " She looks up at him, feels he feels better.
" I uhm … that was nothing. I just uhm … " He looks around, shakes his head.
" That was a genuine panic attack, Perry, I know one when I see one. "
" You're right. But I was thinking about Paul … and that he can't be dying … "
" … can't be dying ? "
" Well, after all… " he swallows " … after all that we've been through. "
" I know. " She nods, thinks she understands.
He was thinking about Paul, his best friend, maybe his only friend, the best company for them to work with. The one who knows him better than he knows himself, the one he shares his dreams and his carreer with.
But she doesn't know she doesn't know everything, he wasn't just thinking about Paul. This is about Paul before Della. And Paul after Della. And Perry after Della.
Before Della, his love life was a joke. His profession wasn't, but his love life was. Full of energy, the dynamics of chasing and having different women, different tastes, all kinds of different looks and yes, all kinds of different positions. He did protect himself against the women and he did protect the women against him, but he feasted never less than he wanted.
But that was before Della. That was before he gave her the spare key to his office desk drawer, his office, his home, his car, the spare key to his private getaway.
Before he gave her the only key to his heart.
" I guess I did, I panicked. " He sighs, gradually feeling steady enough to drive again.
" That is so not you, Perry. "
" No. "
" Well, don't do that again … or you will have a heart attack too. "
" Della … " His hand rakes through her hair gently. His other hand strokes her cheek.
" Perry ? " She looks into his eyes.
" I don't believe Paul had a heart attack. It must have been something else. "
" But the doctor said so. " She says softly. " You might not want to believe it, because you don't want it to be true, but it is. "
" I can't believe he's dying. "
" He is. "
" He can't be dying, Della. "
" Well, he can, Perry. He's not immortal. And we have to go to the hospital now. "
" Yes, we do. " He says it but he's not convinced.
It's in the car, when he looks at her from aside and registers the paleness of her face, that he decides to tell her about Paul, and what she doesn't know about the bond they have. He has to tell her how he promised his friend, Paul Drake, that he would never ask her to marry him.
And how that has affected the friendship between the three of them in the best way possible.
He will tell her, but not now. They have to get to the hospital first.
- TBC -