The Mines of Moria: Reality Check
In which pizza is discussed, Mr. Bloom is discovered, and Gandalf sucks at rhymes.
The Fellowship of the Ring, faced with no other option, are about to travel deep into the bowels of the mines of Moria. But there is only one problem.
Pippin: You just said bowels? :/
Narrator: Shut up.
But there is only one problem. They cannot get through the damn door.
Gandalf: *looking annoyed* Why will this door not open!?
Merry: Looks like a magic door to me.
Gandalf: Of course it's magic, everything here is magic! Except for Sam's potato stew, anyway… *holds stomach*
Sam: :(
Gimli: So does this mean *lowers voice to an epic tone* the mines of Moria *voice goes back to normal* aren't helpful to us? I really don't know what I meant to say…
Legolas: *eyeroll* You don't ever know what you meant to say, idiot dwarf.
While they go about arguing amongst themselves and kicking pebbles at each other and wondering what the hell to do next, Frodo accidentally steps backwards into the grimy water.
Frodo: *hopping around, shaking leg* Eww! Eww! Eww! I just applied my anti-hair foot cream! I bet it all just came off! ;(
Pippin: Ooh! Can I have some?
Frodo: That was a joke. :|
Pippin: O_o
Aragorn: *happens to glance over* Do not disturb the water.
Frodo: Why? What's in there?
Octopus: I am.
Pippin: …did the water just talk?
Aragorn: Yes. Yes it did. *walks away*
Gandalf is truly losing his temper now. He flops down onto a convenient rock, bruising his bottom, and is about to lose what sanity he has left when Frodo says something and somehow magically the door opens.
Gandalf: Frodo, what did you just say?
Frodo: I said that I want pizza really fast.
Gimli: Whaaaaat? Dwarves can like pizza too! D:
Gandalf: Nobody questioned that. Everyone likes pizza.
They all stride epic-like into the mine. They stop a few feet in. Gimli is jabbering about how truly awesome the mines are. Boromir trips over a skeleton.
Boromir: *staring horrified at the skeleton* This isn't a mine. It's a tomb!
They all start to back up. The four hobbits back up very fast.
Octopus: *grabs Frodo's leg* Did I hear you say PIZZA? *swings Frodo into the air and dangles Frodo over his mouth* Om nom nom!
Boromir: *stabbing at random tentacles* No num nums for you today!
Aragorn: *runs out and jumps around underneath Frodo* Legolas!
Legolas: *shoots octopus in the eyebrow* Shit, I missed!
Octopus: I just had those done! D;
Frodo: Only dweebs get their eyebrows done.
Gandalf: *quickly turns away*
Octopus: You hurt my feelings! ;( *drops Frodo*
Aragorn: *catches Frodo* You didn't really mean that about the eyebrows, right?
Frodo: Of course not. I had mine done last week.
Gandalf: *turns back*
Octopus: *rises back out of water* Does that mean you LIED to me!? D:
Everyone runs back into the mine. The octopus tries to climb through and can't. The entrance and the magic door collapse onto the octopus. Everyone stares at the last bit of light before the rocks fall.
Legolas: *hides behind Aragorn* Eep!
Aragorn: O_o
Boromir: I shall shield you, my hobbits!
Pippin: *quickly steps away*
Merry, Frodo & Sam: Okay!
Gimli & Gandalf: *look at each other and shake their heads*
There is total darkness. Except for the light of my computer screen. Heh.
Gandalf: What the hell is a computer?
Narrator: Never mind. It was a joke with myself.
Gandalf: I never have jokes with myself. That's just plain weird.
Narrator: You're the grandpa that won't die! Don't be telling me I'm the weird one here!
Gandalf: That's not weird. That's cool. I'm fly. I'm so fly I just won't die! ;D
The narrator does not dignify that statement with a response. The Fellowship continues into Moria, saying absolutely nothing whatsoever.
Merry: Whyyyy? That's boring!
Pippin: Anybody know any good songs?
Gandalf: Shut up, you two.
Merry: *whispers to narrator* Now really, why won't he die?
Narrator: *shrugs* I didn't write this. I just narrate.
Merry: Meh.
They keep walking for a while. And they still say absolutely nothing whatsoever. They pass huge ravines and walk along the sides of cliffs and climb stairs that are ridiculously steep. Eventually they come upon three doors.
Sam: *freaking out* Which door will we use!?
Gollum: *sketchin' behind a rock with binoculars* Take the one on the far left.
Sam: *stops hyperventilating* Oh, okay. *walks through the door on the far left*
Gandalf: NOOOOOOOO oh, what am I saying? I won't miss his cooking! :D Haaayyyy he's gone! *victory dance*
Frodo: *calls into far left doorway* Sam? Sam, can you hear me?
Sam doesn't answer. Everyone sits down and waits for Sam to come back. Gollum snickers to himself behind his rock.
Sam: *walks back out two hours later* What did I miss?
Frodo: *hugs Sam* Yayy! What happened to you?
Sam: *burps* Had some good food. What did you do? Did you try the other doors?
Pippin: What'd ya eat!?
Sam: Pizza. What else?
Merry: I WANT PIZZA! D:
Sam: Well, don't go in there. The goblins aren't too happy with me. They wanted pizza too. I got most of it. Heh.
Gollum: *to himself* Chicken dumplings, my plan didn't work! The stupid fat hobbit is still alive! *calls aloud* Perhaps you should try the second door!
Sam: Okay. *walks through the second door*
Frodo: *sits down* Maybe he'll bring pizza back this time.
Everyone waits for Sam to come back again. Aragorn and Gimli play soccer using a random rock. Gollum zooms in on Legloas with his binoculars.
Gollum: What the – NOOO WAYYYY I AM SUCH A FAN MR. BLOOM I JUST *falls backwards off cliff* Damn. *splats at the bottom* Ouchies.
Legolas: *stands up and looks around* Did someone say my name?
Nobody says anything. Legolas shrugs and sits back down. Two more hours later Sam walks out of the second doorway.
Sam: *panting* Those goblins were sooooo mean like, oh my Jonasface. They were watching Season 3 of Gossip Girl and they wouldn't let me watch with them! D;
Pippin: …how sad.
Gandalf: Let's take the last door.
Sam: So you sent me in those two doors for no reason!?
Merry: We didn't send you there, hun. A mysterious voice told you to go there. And you listened. And nobody knows why.
Frodo: Oh, let's just go through the stupid door.
Everyone turns around and walks through the door. Sam and Aragorn end up at the back.
Aragorn: What's Gossip Girl?
Sam: *blushes* Oh, um, nothing.
Aragorn: *raises eyebrow suspiciously*
Sam: *quickly walks ahead*
They walk for a very long time. It gets really boring so everyone starts to tell their life stories.
Legolas: I don't want to tell my life story! That would ruin my perfect reputation! *whips hair around sexily*
Narrator: Somebody has to tell their life story! Or just any story at least! All this silence for no reason is sooooo boring!
Gandalf: *hoping that by distracting the narrator he will get her to shut up* The dwarves specialized in Mithril rather than gold and other mining things. Bilbo had Mithril. It was worth thirty trillion iPads.
Frodo: *wonders how much it will go for on E-Bay*
Narrator: I AM NOT DISTRACTED SO EASILY! SOMEBODY TELL A STORY!
Gandalf: Once upon a time, there was a very annoying girl that wanted people to tell their life stories. A totally awesome wizard got so fed up with her that he killed her and everybody else lived happily ever after. The end.
Boromir: I get it! xD
Narrator: :(
They continue onward in complete silence. Nothing fascinating happens. They encounter a cave troll and some orcs but that's not nearly as fascinating as some life stories and angsty past-revealing scenes would be.
Gimli: Why angsty?
Aragorn: Angsty can be good. *sits down and starts to angst about Arwen*
Gimli: …
Finally they reach something of interest and that's a massive and frightening tunnel-thing. The most frightening part is the big flaming shadowy creature that is tromping toward them.
Gandalf: RUN! *hikes up his robes and leads the way*
They all start running. And they run. And they run. And they run. And they run some more, just for a change of pace.
Legolas: I am not running. I am sprinting gracefully!
Narrator: Yeah, whatever.
Legolas: :(
Then there's a random bridge.
Gandalf: The bridge! *runs to the bridge* We must cross it!
Frodo: Okay. *runs across*
Aragorn: I'm scared of heights! *whimpers as he crawls across*
Legolas: *leaps gracefully across the bridge*
Narrator: I didn't write gracefully in there…
Legolas: *snickers*
Boromir: *ninja-crawls across the bridge all epic-like*
Sam, Merry & Pippin: *dance across bridge*
Gimli: What the Moria, guys? *walks across*
Gandalf: *starts to run across but stops in the middle and turns around*
Balrog: *follows Gandalf*
Everyone stops to see what Gandalf will do now. Except for Aragorn, who sits down to angst about Arwen some more.
Gandalf: *waves staff around wildly* You shall not pass. *drops staff over edge of bridge accidentally* Dammit, I paid two dollars for that! D:
Balrog: …Brah.
Frodo: Try the rhyme, Gandalf! *leans over to talk to Sam* His rhymes suck so bad it kills.
Sam: *nods*
Gandalf: Good idea. IF YOU PASS YOU MUST KISS MY ASS!
Balrog: *throws up ash over the edge of the bridge* No way. That's disgusting. *leaps off bridge*
Frodo: Nice one! :D
Gandalf: I know, right? Now, you fools, take flight! *looks disgusted* That rhyme was so lame, I'm ashamed. *looks even more freaked out* Oh dear, I want to shed a tear! *shrieks* I HATE USING RHYMES TO PASS THE TIME! *leaps off bridge*
Frodo: GANDALF!
Boromir: His rhymes really did suck. Let's go.
Everyone Else: Okay.
And thusly, the Fellowship of the Ring left the mines of Moria, and they got so fed up with the narrator that they blew her up the second they were outside of the mines. And the story of what had truly gone on inside the mines died with her...
A/N: Hey y'all! I just decided to post the updated version :) Gimli is spelled correctly now. Thanks for reading!
Disclaimer: Fortunately for all involved, I don't own Lord of the Rings.