A Super Thanksgiving
Not a Turkey Protest, but Probably Just as Weird
Okay, here's the deal. Last year I gave you a Turkey Protest, where everyone's favorite digital birds protested all that is Thanksgiving. Well, I'm not doing one this year. Why? I dunno, sequels never do as well here at ff.net so I decided against it. Instead, I decided to do three…um…shorts, showing the three most prominent superhero teams at their Thanksgivings. So you get all the randomness of Batpig, the Austin Powers Trio and the Alliance in one overly basted fanfic. But first, a few dedications I think are a bit pertinent.
Mom: Yeah, my mom definitely deserves a dedication. We're doing Thanksgiving at our house this year and she's got everything under control…no stress yet.
The Gang at Danish's: To everyone who hangs out at Tekno Danish's boards, Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for all the birthday presents.
Reo: Business partner and friend, you've always been a click away when I said "hey, stupid idea that would make a decent fanfic!" Happy freaking Thanksgiving…Matt expects that lemon in my mailbox before Christmas.
And You, the Readers: I know I've pretty much halted Disasterpiece Theater and the Weekly Reports, I promise I'll start them up again soon. School's been a hassle and I haven't much time lately. But thanks for sticking with me…here's to you.
~*~
Vignette One: A Batpig ThanksgivingGotham City…nobody really knows where exactly Gotham City is. The author thinks it's actually just Odaiba through the eyes of one hyperactive orange pot roast, but then again, she doesn't even know. At any rate, that dark and dingy city was gearing up to celebrate Thanksgiving, despite the fact that Japan doesn't technically have Thanksgiving. And in Turkey Wall Manor, our heroes were doing their own preparations.
"NO! THAT BIRD HAS GOT TO GO! NOW!"
Wizardmon and Patamon groaned as Biyomon stared in absolute horror at the trussed-up turkey sitting on their kitchen counter.
"Oh come on, Biyomon! Grow up. It's a turkey, the meaning of its life is to be eaten. You don't have to eat it, but there is nothing you can do to prevent the rest of us from enjoying a holiday tradition. Correct, Patamon?" Wizardmon growled.
There was no answer from our flying friend.
"Patamon? Patamon, get away from the turkey!"
Indeed, Patamon had resumed his time-honored tradition of glomping their meal.
"You're so wonderful, and marvelous, and…"
Wizardmon sighed. "Patamon, that's a male turkey."
The ham hock's eyes widened in shock. "WHAT?! Oh, dreadfully sorry sir, I didn't know. You just look so different…dead, and frozen, and defrosted."
Biyomon continued her scowling, leaving the kitchen. Joe, the ever-faithful butler, had the day off so he could have Thanksgiving with his parents, and his brothers Jim and Jim.
"Thanksgiving…mass killing of turkeys…I must stop this…"
Then the conniving pink bird got a brilliant beyond brilliant idea. She hurried down to the Batpig Cave, changing into her appropriate Batpig Girl costume and commandeered the Batpig Cycle, taking it out into the city.
~*~
A few hours and some basting later, Wizardmon and Patamon were still hard at work in the kitchen, Wizardmon peeling a mountain of potatoes. Patamon stared at him queerly.
"Wizardmon, what's with the potatoes?"
The caped creature sighed. "Thanksgiving at Lia's consisted, for the most part, of rice pilaf as a side dish. You don't know how much I hate rice pilaf! There's never mashed potatoes! But now I can have my potatoes. Yes…"
Patamon nodded. "T.K. always ended up just eating a turkey sandwich. Hey, I wonder if there's any good football games on."
"Nah, it's all the Gotham City Thanksgiving Day Parade."
Just then the official Batpig Cordless Phone started ringing from somewhere.
"Where'd we put the phone?" Patamon hollered, tearing up the kitchen trying to find said item. Wizardmon pulled it out of the turkey and tossed it to his partner.
"Batpig here. What?! Are you sure, Commissioner? You're positive? Oh. Oh! Yes, yes we'll be right there. You too."
Wizardmon looked up from his piecrust. "What?"
"Commissioner Sora says that some psychotic person dressed in a Batpig Girl suit is terrorizing downtown Gotham City. They're going after every grocery store and tossing all the turkeys into the Gotham City River," Patamon stated.
"Sounds like Biyomon on an anti-Thanksgiving rampage."
Patamon nodded smartly. "And apparently she's going for the largest Thanksgiving turkey ever."
"The Thanksgiving Parade turkey?"
"To the Batpigmobile, Dead Wonder!" Patamon cried.
~*~
"This is Mimi Tachikawa for Channel 21, Gotham City News Network, here live at the Gotham City Thanksgiving Day Parade. We just saw the newest addition to our parade go by, our beautiful giant Culumon balloon, and we're all getting ready for the best part of the parade. That's right, the Thanksgiving Turkey! The turkey has been a part of Gotham City's parade since the founding, when the settlers paraded down the street with a live turkey. Let's go down to the street, where the turkey should be coming around the corner now…"
Indeed, the giant turkey was making its way down Main Street, gobbling and waving its feathers. But from out of nowhere came Batpig Girl, beating the bird's head in with the Batpig Fire Extinguisher.
"Die, evil Thanksgiving bird that symbolizes the massacre of your kind! DIEEEE!"
"Hold it right there, Batpig Girl! I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am…dressed as a Native American. I am Batpig!"
"And I'm the Dead Wonder…in a Pilgrim outfit?!"
Patamon and Wizardmon shrugged off the costume problems and swung down onto the turkey with the Batpig Grappling Hooks.
"Batpig Girl, stop this foolishness at once. You're going to endanger innocent civilians," the Dead Wonder advised. Batpig Girl snorted, tossing her fire extinguisher aside, hitting the nearby Takato and knocking him unconscious.
Batpig and Batpig Girl pulled Batpig Turkey Basters from their utility belts and started swordfighting with them, dancing all around the giant poultry. Wizardmon groaned, watching them poke each other with the giant plastic syringes.
"You two are insufferable," he said, smacking Biyomon upside the head with his staff.
"Good job, Dead Wonder! Now we can take her to Archam…oh wait, she's on our side…we'll take her home to the Manor and tie her to a chair," Batpig resolved, picking up the out cold yet deranged hero.
"YAY BATPIG!" the crowd cheered.
"No need to thank me, citizens! Just another day in the life of a crime fighter! And happy Thanksgiving!"
~*~
Back at Turkey Wall Manor…
"Patamon, pass the gravy boat."
"Sure thing. Hey, you think you could slide the stuffing my way?"
"Cranberry or regular?"
"Both. More salad, Biyomon?"
The pink bird, tied to one of the dining room chairs, glared at the wizard and the porcine…thing as they enjoyed the fruits of their labor.
"Shut up, Pig," she snapped.
The others shrugged, going back to stuffing themselves sick.
"I hate Thanksgiving."
Fin.
~*~
Vignette Two: The Austin Powers Trio's ThanksgivingIn a groovy Shag Pad full of brightly colored Sixties paraphernalia, the Austin Powers Trio were having their first Thanksgiving all together. While Gomamon and Veemon were struggling with their massive thirty-pound turkey, Shadowmon was busily weaving those construction paper placemats everybody makes in kindergarten.
"Shad, baby, how about you help us with this bird?" Gomamon Powers whimpered, trying to lift the bird into the roasting pan.
"It's just not my bag, baby. You don't want me to throw my back out, do you?"
"What do you think we're doing?!" Austin Veemon moaned.
Just then the APT vid-phone flicked on, the screen descending from the ceiling.
"Hallo, Miss Shadwell," Izzy Exposition said cheerfully.
"Hi Izzy! Like my placemat?" she asked proudly.
"Just lovely. Where are the boys?"
"Underneath the turkey," the kitten said, pointing the two shapes twitching from underneath the massive bird that had fallen on top of them.
"Ah, I see. Well, I've just gotten word that Dr. Evil plans on using some sort of giant ray gun to eliminate the world's supply of turkey."
The vid-phone suddenly went all static-y and Dr. Evil, still Tai, appeared.
"Excuse me, not all turkey. I'm leaving tofu turkeys and turkey dinners."
Shadwell got up from her pile of construction paper. "You're…insane!"
Dr. Evil laughed. "I know. It's my retribution for always having tofu turkey. The world must pay up…one million dollar's worth of turkey or else."
The videophone shut off, leaving the Trio to ponder the concept.
"We have to save the turkeys!" Shadwell hollered. The guys just groaned.
~*~
Dr. Evil rubbed his hands together evilly. "Yes, all is going according to plan. Number Two!"
The eye patch-wearing henchman was nowhere to be found.
"Number Two!"
Agumon waddled out, carrying a rather large drumstick dripping in gravy. "Not here."
"What do you mean, he's not here?"
The yellow dinosaur nodded. "Matt's in his own series, he can't be in this one too."
"Oh. Whaddabout Frau?"
"With Matt."
Tai snapped his fingers in defeat. "Scott!"
T.K. came trudging into the room with a can of cranberry sauce in one hand, looking like his gothic counterpart.
"Scott, you are to help me with my evil schemes as Frau and Number Two aren't…available."
"Let's get something straight," the hat-wearing blonde snapped. "I'm not your lackey. I'm not your son, nor am I your brother. And I'm not Scott!"
"Whatever. Where's Mini-Me?"
T.K. pointed off somewhere. "In the washing machine."
Dr. Evil stared at him. "Wha?"
"Davis's idea."
Tai just nodded. "Okay, we'll wait to give him Mini Mini-Me. Take him back to the lab, boys."
A group of lab tekkies dragged Takato off, kicking and screaming.
"Now, let's make sure the Austin Powers Trio doesn't ruin my plan to own all the turkeys! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
~*~
The Trio, meanwhile, was cruising around town in the Shagmobile, trying to find the giant turkey-related ray gun. Shadowmon and Gomamon were hollering the Adam Sandler 'Turkey Song' at the top of their lungs as Veemon drove around the block another time.
"Look, there it is! On top of that Piggly Wiggly!" Shadowmon cried, pointing to the pork-based grocery store.
They parked the car in the lot and hurried towards the grocery store, only to be halted by minions of Dr. Evil.
"Cripesh! Ninjash with bratwursht!" Austin Veemon exclaimed as the sausage-wielding ninjas surrounded them.
"Then we fight fire with fire…or salami!" Gomamon Powers said, taking a large salami out of the glove compartment.
So the APT fought ninjas with deli products in the parking lot of a Piggly Wiggly. Only after Felicity Shadwell knocked the fiends out with a slightly stale loaf of French bread did they continue, getting up to the roof just as Dr. Evil was about to turn on the ray gun.
"Hold it Dr. Evil! We're going to stop you and your giant ray gun just like we do every other episode cuz we're…" Shad prompted.
"THE AUSTIN POWERS TRIO!"
Dr. Evil howled. "No! Not you again! Every time I try something you always foil my plots! Just once, once, I'd like to win!"
With much judo-chopping, the throwing of some high-velocity cans of cranberry sauce and a well thrown gravy ladle, the APT managed to restrain Dr. Evil and return the turkeys to their proper owners.
"Another day shaved by…"
"THE AUSTIN POWERS TRIO!"
~*~
Back at the Shag Pad, the boys had given up on their turkey, somehow managing to dump it off on the Inoue house…with all the kids that magically appear at that house it's a wonder that turkey ended up feeding all of them. They had resigned to eating instant turkey dinners, watching It's a Wonderful Life, and falling asleep on the couch in a puddle of drool.
"So…full…"
"I don't ever wanna see any more turkey again…"
"Desshert doeshn't even shound good now…ugh…"
The End.
~*~
Vignette Three: Thanksgiving With the Alliance"TOUCHDOWN!"
Reo and Matt leapt off the couch, hollering as the Gospel City college football team scored another touchdown, pulling them ahead of the other local university team.
"Yeah! They've got nothing on Gospel City. That's definitely game."
Reo laughed. "It's only halftime, they've got a chance."
"Wonder if the halftime show will be any good," the blonde sighed.
"It's the best part…what with those scantily clad college football cheerleaders."
Lia wiped her hands on a dishtowel, coming in from the kitchen. "Guys?"
"I didn't think a woman could bend that way."
"Guys?"
"Ah, the band geeks. Gotta give 'em credit for coming out in public dressed like that."
The dark-haired heroine shrieked at the top of her lungs. "WOULD YOU TWO LISTEN TO ME FOR ONE FREAKING MINUTE?!"
Both of them stopped, eyes still glued to the television. "Yeah, what?"
"You two…oh…you're insufferable, the both of you! All I ask is that somebody help me with dinner because I can't do everything around this place myself and I'm completely ignored!" she shouted, throwing her towel down on the floor and taking her cooking apron off.
"Yeah, I'll be there in a second, hang on," Matt mumbled, waving her off. Lia burst into tears.
"I'm leaving!" Which she did, slamming the door behind her.
At the first commercial break the two guys got up, stretched, and glanced around the kitchen.
"Where's the chick?" Reo questioned. "She left the oven on."
~*~
Well, when one lives in the United States and her family lives a continent away, she can't go crying home to her mother. And when she's a superhero that is continually on the run from that evil corporation of mercenaries and assassins known as the Professionals, she can't exactly call home whenever there's a problem. So what's an overemotional girl on holiday burnout to do? Go shopping.
"And I do everything around the house but nobody seems to appreciate it! They leave me to do the dinner and clean and be the little housewife but I've got a job!" she moaned to a salesclerk, tossing several racks' worth of outfits onto the counter and slapping her MasterCard down.
"Uh-huh, and exactly how old are you, hon?" the aging clerk said unenthused, ringing up the sale.
"Sixteen," our heroine whimpered.
"Honey, you're too young to be having meltdowns like this. This sort of thing happens when you're forty, not sixteen. I'm sure your parents will appreciate you more."
Lia's shoulders sagged. "It's not my parents, though! I'm living with my boyfriend and our business partner!"
"Oh, that's a whole different designer purse, dearie. They won't be able to survive without you and when they realize it they'll be begging for you to come home…sign on that line, please."
Just as the saleswoman finished handing off her receipt Lia's all-encompassing sixth sense for danger (oh, Spider-Senses for those who prefer lamen's terms) kicked in, warning her of nearby trouble.
Looks like I'll have to take this job on by myself, she thought, hurrying out of the department store. The crowds of pre-holiday shoppers were fleeing the mall in droves, screaming and clutching children and purchases in their arms.
"Well, if I didn't know any better, I'd say the problem is right here," she mused, fighting the current of bodies towards the center of the mall. Standing at the top of the escalator by Lord and Taylor's was, you guessed it, some sort of megalomaniac out to terrorize the city.
"Attention holiday shoppers, we have a sale today on fear," he laughed, standing in your average super-villain gloating moment.
"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid your credit cards have to be cut. And I'm just the girl to do it."
Our villain, choice stock from the Professionals, whirled, trying to find the person who dared mock him.
"Look up, genius."
The burly youth with the phenomenal powers did so, cursing. "Everywhere I go it seems like I run into one of you rejects! Somebody ought to teach you a lesson, girly."
Fallen Angel shook her head. "Now, now. You don't want to end up on the naughty list, do you?"
The Professional, who happens to be Ground Zero, who hasn't really been mentioned yet for those of you who follow the series, ripped a chunk of tile out of the floor and threw it at our heroine.
"All I wanted was a little help with the turkey, but no! I had to get pre-empted by a bunch of tramps, only to have my moment of me-time halted by some psychotic freak sent by the Professionals to ruin what was left of my holiday!" she shouted, snapping back with currents of energy flowing from her palms. The escalators promptly exploded.
"You could have told us there was an emergency, you know!" Reo hollered as he and Matt came, in full Alliance gear, out of a nearby Radio Shack.
"Why should I have? I asked for your help in the kitchen and you completely ignored me!" she screamed back, smacking Ground Zero square in the jaw.
"What do you mean we ignored you?" Kaiser Matt asked, cocking a gun and firing a round or two at the hoard of college students-turned-cheap ninjas that had emerged from the Discovery Channel Store moments earlier.
"You heard me! The both of you were watching those cheerleaders shake their pompoms! You had no intentions of getting off that couch and helping! I just wanted to make our first Thanksgiving all together special!"
Ground Zero got off the floor he was sprawled on. "Hey, that football game was something, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, Desert Rose U almost got the best of us. But that touchdown at the last possible second?"
"Aw, that was weak!" Reo complained. "If their receiver hadn't tripped over the water boy, Gospel U would've been the losers they usually are."
"Hello?! Doesn't anybody care that I'm being neglected? Argh! Not even the villains care what I think!" Angel whined.
The two heroes and the one villain started in on a lengthy discussion of the football game while the steamed heroine flew around the mall blowing things up, mainly potted plants and 'you are here' maps. When she blew everything up that was pretty much blow up-able, the guys were still discussing the game.
"Fine, ruin my Thanksgiving! I'll just go home, lock the two of you out, and sit in the kitchen with my uncarved turkey!"
Lia stormed off, leaving her partners and Ground Zero quite confused. Matt threw him one punch for good measure, then chased after his miffed girl.
"Sorry to leave you unconscious like that, but you guys did run off with my Wallace. Happy Thanksgiving!" Reo said cheerfully, picking up his scythe and following.
~*~
"Are you still mad at us?" Matt hollered, pounding on the front door.
A porcelain gravy boat came flying through the window, landing on the lawn and rolling several feet.
"I take that as a yes!"
Reo sat on the stairs, smoking. "Face it, kiddo, you've got her pretty irate this time."
"Me? What about you?" the blonde snapped. "You're just as guilty!"
"Yeah, but I don't date her. I just bring home the paychecks."
A dinner platter careened through another window and landed halfway down the driveway.
"She's got a good arm," Reo stated.
Matt groaned. "Oh come on, Lia! Let us in! I promise I'll be your slave for the rest of eternity. I'll even clean the hair trap in the shower…I probably should anyway…I think most of it's mine…open the door!"
"No! You ignored me! Even that Professional ignored me!" she shouted back.
"You know I'm sorry! I didn't mean to ignore you! I love you!"
"If you love me so much why didn't you just come into the kitchen and carve my bird? It would've taken three minutes! But no! You and Reo just sat there and watched…and watched…cheerleaders!" the entire chest of silverware came out and onto the lawn.
Matt sighed, pulled a gun from his pocket, and shot the keyhole. He blew the smoke from the barrel and opened the door.
"After you, Master DarkScythe."
"Nah. You settle the problem with the girl, I'm staying here...where it's safe."
"Suit yourself."
And Reo sat outside, watching as more appliances came through the windows and listening as the not-so-happy couple exchanged words. Actually, it was more like Lia screaming at Matt, who was dodging the things she threw at him.
"Well, those be fighting words," the Infamous One sighed as she shouted obscenities at her significant other.
~*~
A few hours later, the entire kitchen had been relocated to the lawn, and Lia had finally stopped screaming. Probably because she'd run out of things to throw. Matt opened the front door, holding a frozen steak to his bleeding lip and a bag of peas to his eye.
"It's safe to come in now, Hurricane Lia has run its course," he mumbled thickly.
Reo rubbed his hands together. "Good. Let's carve that turkey, I'm starved!"
"Um…the turkey has been launched into the Johnson's swimming pool. We're ordering takeout Chinese."
Reo blinked. "But they leave three miles down the road."
"Exactly."
Lia came out of the kitchen smiling. "I managed to wrangle up a pumpkin pie. Let's go have Thanksgiving."
Reo and Matt exchanged glances, the blonde shrugging. "Must be one of those girl things."
Owatta.
~*~
Well, there you have it. Three Thanksgiving stories of varying insanity. Now go review while I hunt down the antacids. I ate way too much. Happy Thanksgiving from all of us here at Kawaii Li'l Lia's place. I'm gone!