Author's note: Well this is an odd little thing I wrote very quickly when I was viciously attacked by a flock of muses! Those things are fickle I tell you! It's a short little Gaav (Oooo, Gaav! Different ne? No one ever writes about poor Gaavie-kins!) vignette-y type thing, I thought of whilst attempting to work on biggest projects and had to get out of my system! Enjoy! ~ Blacke Inke
Hate
A Gaav Vignette by Blacke Inke
Val's crying again…
I can hear it…
I hate that sound more than anything else in the whole gods damned world…
But what I hate more is seeing him cry…
He becomes something different, something like nothing I have ever seen. He looks so weak and small and wounded, and I hate it. I absolutely despise it. I hate what they did to him, how he shrivels and wilts, and I hate his pain. I know full well it's nowhere near inside the acceptable Mazoku parameters of normal to care about someone else's pain…
But I do…
And I hate that too…
I hate this whole world, it obliterates flippantly, it wounds without a care, it crushes beauty consciously in its blackened palms and laughs. It destroyed both of us with a single blow, and then gave us both to each other. I'll never understand it… But he's crying again, wildly and deafeningly, and I can't figure out why. Damn it all…
It sounds like he's hurting…
Like his entire body is being ripped in two…
It couldn't be his arm again. I fixed that. I made damn certain I fixed that, because it was me who botched it the first time. I owed it to him. To help him forget. Sealed away that accursed dragon power for good and forced him to forget. I hope he did…
He's calling my name…
But I can't find him this time…
Where the hell is he?
I feel along the walls in the darkness, and I know the place. I know where he is, but it's so cold. It should definitely not be cold… The ground beneath my feet cracks like ice, my fingers numb as I try to reach out, and I still grope for nothing in my blindness. I can only hear. Hear his voice screaming through my entire body.
Gods I hate that sound…
I hate it.
Proud, beautiful people like him should never have to utter that sound. People like me should never realize that proud, beautiful people like him should never have to utter that sound. I hate feelings… I hate the way they complicate things. I hate that he made me care, and that I gave into it. I know it made me lose somehow, but it was a loss I was perfectly willing to accept. It should have been a triumph in disguise and he's ruining it!
Because the bastard's crying…
He knows I hate it when he does that…
So why can't I find him?
It's drilling through me with every wail, like it's me who deserves it. I'm looking damn it! But I only seem to get colder, as he gets louder. He's begging for me… I hated that too… The idiot actually wanted to be here. With me… I thought it the strangest thing at first, and I never did really understand why, but he was happy. Genuinely and honestly happy at some points… Despite the fact he still allowed himself to be angry… To be sad… To want revenge… All feelings he rightly deserved, so who in the four worlds would have thought he would decide he deserved to be happy too? Surely it wasn't me…
But he's crying so hard…
He sounds like he's right next to me…
And all I want to do is hold him…
I finally feel warm… His voice rings in my ears, whispers my name, and for a brief moment I'm happy too… Until I can feel him, and I still see nothing. He's in my arms, and he's crying, just like he used to, but this time, only I know we're together. I wanted to hear that foul, awful, murderous sound I despise so much just one more time… Even if I couldn't stop it, all I need to know is that he still exists. If he lives, so do I, if he can breathe, so will I, and I can despise this world by his side forever.
I hate him for that…
How I could always look into his eyes and see everything I had ever worked for…
Just one person encompassed it all.
Had I really wasted all those years fighting, murdering and destroying?
Did I lose that battle or win it?
I hate him…
I hate him for always being there, for laughing, for crying, for feeling so damned good asleep and naked in my arms.
I don't hate losing him, but I hate knowing what I lost…
You never should have taught me to value life you fucking bastard… We're not supposed to, it's just wrong! But I suppose you hate me now too… You should, I hope you do. I abandoned you right? Of course I did… After all, I am what I am, not even you could force me!
But you did…
I hate you…
You managed to do it…
You made me want to comfort you, it wasn't me…
It was you that inspired desire, not me…
You forced me to love you, I can't do that…
Is there really a fine line between love and hate? Or are they really the same thing? I don't think I'll ever know. I mean, it was your fault wasn't it? I couldn't possibly have done it! Then again, is it really your fault if it was because you're so beautiful? If I can touch you once and feel my entire world crumble away and leave nothing but us? Two loathed, despised and filthy vagabonds smug, brilliant and together in our aloneness? Is that really love? To want someone just because they exist? I suppose it's your damn fault I figured that out, I hate you for that you know… I hate losing, and I love winning, and this time it's both. Damn I hate that…
But Val's crying again…
So I'll hold him for as long as I can…
Loving him and hating him forever…
We can still hear it…
And we hate that sound more than anything in the world…