Title: Colonel Envy
Author: Richard M. Powell, with some extra bits and dialogue by Lauren (the Oboe one).
Author's Notes: A response to the One Minutes challenge.this is one minute out of "The Crittendon Plan"
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My Colonel can do anything! Really!
That's probably the main reason I don't mind getting into all the crazy stuff we end up getting into. Because I know no matter what happens, Colonel Hogan will think of something. He's always got a plan, or eventually comes up with something. And he can convince anyone to get them to do what he wants. Sometimes I get dizzy listening to him talk circles around Klink, or a Gestapo officer, or some guard.
Of course with Schultz that's pretty easy. Still it's fun to watch!
Like what happened a few weeks ago. I had to go pretend to escape and then wait on the side of the road for Colonel Hogan to come by and pick me up so we could go out and destroy a tunnel and a convoy. I spent all night out in the woods, wondering just how in the heck Colonel Hogan was gonna get out of the camp in broad daylight and keep Klink from sending out half his guards to look for me. Finally in the morning I heard this truck coming, and sure enough there's Colonel Hogan driving with Schultz sitting next to him.
I skidded down the side of the embankment to stop at the side of the road where Colonel Hogan could see me, and then just for fun stuck my thumb out like I was hitchhiking. The Colonel stopped the truck and Schultz came running out . . . well, trotting out really. He pointed that rifle he's always got at me and announced, "I've found you, Carter! You are my prisoner!"
I grinned as he and Colonel Hogan approached, "Hi ya Schultz!"
"Now get into the truck." Schultz really looked upset, he was actually trying to act like a real guard. I wondered what he and Colonel Hogan had been up to since that morning. Still, he was the one with the gun, so obliging I raised my arms and started walking. Schultz followed me with the rifle, "No tricks! Get in!"
I headed over to stand beside Colonel Hogan as he asked, "Where are we going, Schultz?"
"Back to Stalag 13, where else?"
"Well I thought we'd go to Stalag 16."
"Why, why!?" Schultz looked confused. Poor guy, seams like he's always confused. I know the feeling.
"We have orders to pick up a prisoner." Hogan said.
"What prisoner? What orders?"
"My German uniform in the back of the truck."
I couldn't help but smile. That told me what took them so long to find me; the Colonel must have been picking up some supplies from the underground. "Well, shall we go?" I asked, and Colonel Hogan and I turned around to headed back for the truck.
Schultz stopped us, "Wait!" We turned back to look at him. Suddenly he REALLY looked upset! "We are going back to Stalag 13 and no where else! Now back into the truck! March!"
We turned around again towards the truck as Colonel Hogan said, "Just thinking of you, Schultz."
See, he does that all the time. Just when it looks like Colonel Hogan is gonna do exactly what some Kraut wants he throws out some comment that makes them stop and reconsider. Sure enough . . .
"Do not think of me! HALT!" We stopped and turned around again...one more time and I would've been dizzy! Schultz looked confused again and asked, "Why are you thinking of me?"
The Colonel looked at me, "Gestapo pick up your trail yet, Carter?"
Usually I'd be insulted, I know better than to get caught by the Gestapo. Heck, I've pretended to be one of them! But I could tell from the way he asked it what the Colonel wanted. You don't work with a commanding officer for two years and not learn how to tell what he wants even if he doesn't say it. I nodded, "Oh, yes sir! They're close behind me, that way." I pointed down the road.
Schultz smiled, "I welcome the Gestapo! I captured a very dangerous escaped prisoner, single handed!"
Wow, can you believe it? Me, dangerous! I was flattered...I guess. Before I could thank Schultz the Colonel said, "Sure, Schultz. And they'll probably give you a medal for that stuff in the back of the truck."
Suddenly it was like Schultz was having a hissy fit, "I know NOTHING about what's in the back of the truck! NOTHING!"
"And I'll back you up every inch of the way." Colonel Hogan shrugged, "As long as I can humanly hold out."
"We might not crack for hours." I added.
Schultz stewed for a few seconds, then said "Let's go to Stalag 16. Back in the truck! Schnell!"
I turned back to the truck quick to hide my grin. See? He can fool anyone! There's nothing more fun than pulling one over on the Germans with the Colonel. Well perhaps blowing up an enemy bridge . . .
Colonel Hogan climbed behind the drivers seat, "You'll never regret this, Schultz!"
Schultz headed for the passenger seat before I could do anything. He even handed me his rifle so he could climb into the seat. I figured I might as well be nice . . . I took the rifle as he got in and handed it back when he was done. That's our Schultz.
"Danka." Schultz said, and Colonel Hogan started up the truck.
It was the back for me.
I ran to the back and lifted up the tarp, and holy cow you should have SEEN the stuff Colonel Hogan picked up! I was amazed, even getting Schultz to know nothing about all of this would have been difficult! I quickly got in, closing the tarp just as the Colonel put the truck in gear. For a moment I wasn't sure where to sit; there were rifles and uniforms and a radio and...a big wooden box marked with the German for 'dynamite' that made my heart flutter.
I knew I shouldn't . . . I mean, I guess I shouldn't. But I couldn't help it, I wanted so bad to see what was in the box! So I went to take a peak, just to see what we had so I could start planning. Really! I found a spot on the floor next to the box and eagerly opened it. On top of the stacks of dynamite and detonators there was a brown bag with an envelope attached to it. The envelope had my name on it so I grabbed the bag and opened up the envelope, pulling out the note to read:
Carter, Don't touch the dynamite! You can play with it later when we're not on a bumpy road. There's some breakfast in the bag. Col. Hogan
Guess the Colonel knows me too well, huh? But that just goes to prove my point, Colonel Hogan thought of everything!
Gee, you think when I'm a Colonel I'll be that smart?
The End
Author: Richard M. Powell, with some extra bits and dialogue by Lauren (the Oboe one).
Author's Notes: A response to the One Minutes challenge.this is one minute out of "The Crittendon Plan"
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My Colonel can do anything! Really!
That's probably the main reason I don't mind getting into all the crazy stuff we end up getting into. Because I know no matter what happens, Colonel Hogan will think of something. He's always got a plan, or eventually comes up with something. And he can convince anyone to get them to do what he wants. Sometimes I get dizzy listening to him talk circles around Klink, or a Gestapo officer, or some guard.
Of course with Schultz that's pretty easy. Still it's fun to watch!
Like what happened a few weeks ago. I had to go pretend to escape and then wait on the side of the road for Colonel Hogan to come by and pick me up so we could go out and destroy a tunnel and a convoy. I spent all night out in the woods, wondering just how in the heck Colonel Hogan was gonna get out of the camp in broad daylight and keep Klink from sending out half his guards to look for me. Finally in the morning I heard this truck coming, and sure enough there's Colonel Hogan driving with Schultz sitting next to him.
I skidded down the side of the embankment to stop at the side of the road where Colonel Hogan could see me, and then just for fun stuck my thumb out like I was hitchhiking. The Colonel stopped the truck and Schultz came running out . . . well, trotting out really. He pointed that rifle he's always got at me and announced, "I've found you, Carter! You are my prisoner!"
I grinned as he and Colonel Hogan approached, "Hi ya Schultz!"
"Now get into the truck." Schultz really looked upset, he was actually trying to act like a real guard. I wondered what he and Colonel Hogan had been up to since that morning. Still, he was the one with the gun, so obliging I raised my arms and started walking. Schultz followed me with the rifle, "No tricks! Get in!"
I headed over to stand beside Colonel Hogan as he asked, "Where are we going, Schultz?"
"Back to Stalag 13, where else?"
"Well I thought we'd go to Stalag 16."
"Why, why!?" Schultz looked confused. Poor guy, seams like he's always confused. I know the feeling.
"We have orders to pick up a prisoner." Hogan said.
"What prisoner? What orders?"
"My German uniform in the back of the truck."
I couldn't help but smile. That told me what took them so long to find me; the Colonel must have been picking up some supplies from the underground. "Well, shall we go?" I asked, and Colonel Hogan and I turned around to headed back for the truck.
Schultz stopped us, "Wait!" We turned back to look at him. Suddenly he REALLY looked upset! "We are going back to Stalag 13 and no where else! Now back into the truck! March!"
We turned around again towards the truck as Colonel Hogan said, "Just thinking of you, Schultz."
See, he does that all the time. Just when it looks like Colonel Hogan is gonna do exactly what some Kraut wants he throws out some comment that makes them stop and reconsider. Sure enough . . .
"Do not think of me! HALT!" We stopped and turned around again...one more time and I would've been dizzy! Schultz looked confused again and asked, "Why are you thinking of me?"
The Colonel looked at me, "Gestapo pick up your trail yet, Carter?"
Usually I'd be insulted, I know better than to get caught by the Gestapo. Heck, I've pretended to be one of them! But I could tell from the way he asked it what the Colonel wanted. You don't work with a commanding officer for two years and not learn how to tell what he wants even if he doesn't say it. I nodded, "Oh, yes sir! They're close behind me, that way." I pointed down the road.
Schultz smiled, "I welcome the Gestapo! I captured a very dangerous escaped prisoner, single handed!"
Wow, can you believe it? Me, dangerous! I was flattered...I guess. Before I could thank Schultz the Colonel said, "Sure, Schultz. And they'll probably give you a medal for that stuff in the back of the truck."
Suddenly it was like Schultz was having a hissy fit, "I know NOTHING about what's in the back of the truck! NOTHING!"
"And I'll back you up every inch of the way." Colonel Hogan shrugged, "As long as I can humanly hold out."
"We might not crack for hours." I added.
Schultz stewed for a few seconds, then said "Let's go to Stalag 16. Back in the truck! Schnell!"
I turned back to the truck quick to hide my grin. See? He can fool anyone! There's nothing more fun than pulling one over on the Germans with the Colonel. Well perhaps blowing up an enemy bridge . . .
Colonel Hogan climbed behind the drivers seat, "You'll never regret this, Schultz!"
Schultz headed for the passenger seat before I could do anything. He even handed me his rifle so he could climb into the seat. I figured I might as well be nice . . . I took the rifle as he got in and handed it back when he was done. That's our Schultz.
"Danka." Schultz said, and Colonel Hogan started up the truck.
It was the back for me.
I ran to the back and lifted up the tarp, and holy cow you should have SEEN the stuff Colonel Hogan picked up! I was amazed, even getting Schultz to know nothing about all of this would have been difficult! I quickly got in, closing the tarp just as the Colonel put the truck in gear. For a moment I wasn't sure where to sit; there were rifles and uniforms and a radio and...a big wooden box marked with the German for 'dynamite' that made my heart flutter.
I knew I shouldn't . . . I mean, I guess I shouldn't. But I couldn't help it, I wanted so bad to see what was in the box! So I went to take a peak, just to see what we had so I could start planning. Really! I found a spot on the floor next to the box and eagerly opened it. On top of the stacks of dynamite and detonators there was a brown bag with an envelope attached to it. The envelope had my name on it so I grabbed the bag and opened up the envelope, pulling out the note to read:
Carter, Don't touch the dynamite! You can play with it later when we're not on a bumpy road. There's some breakfast in the bag. Col. Hogan
Guess the Colonel knows me too well, huh? But that just goes to prove my point, Colonel Hogan thought of everything!
Gee, you think when I'm a Colonel I'll be that smart?
The End