EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED
By LadyKate
CathyYoung1@cs.comDisclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine. They belong to Renaissance Pictures/Studios USA.
This is a version of the X:WP Season 6 episode Path of Vengeance as told from Ares' point of view. It was written in response to a challenge at the Shipper Heaven at the Talking Xena board (http://pub130.ezboard.com/ftalkingxenafrm35). Thanks to my fellow shippers -- Tango, Carly, Maid Serendipity, Shipper Queen, Nittany Lioness, Taleen, Enyo, Xena Amber, and honorary shipper Sais 2 Cool -- for the inspiration!
It's dark here in the Halls of War, except for the unsteady amber-tinted glow of a couple of torches. I could make dozens more flare up with one flick of the hand, or even without one. But I like it better like this.
I'm mostly staying away from Olympus these days. Never cared for the place much, and now it's got a strange feel to it, with Dad and Mom and Athena and most of the gods gone. Some of them weren't dead, it turns out -- that smug bastard Apollo, Hermes with those ridiculous little wings on his pudgy feet, prim and proper aunt Hestia. They all went into hiding when they got wind that Eli's god and his feathered underlings meant serious business. Now that Aphrodite and I are back and they figure it's safe, they've come slinking back, the cowards. They've cleaned up the mess that was left when Athena was fighting Xena and now they're busy pretending that things are back to normal. Well, let 'em. I don't mind. I just stay away.
I sit here in the almost-dark, a silver skull glaring at me from the armrest of my throne. I should be thinking about that nice war I've got going between the Romans and the Amazons. Almost going, anyway. I need that war if I'm going to rebuild my following; it's hard to think of anything more pathetic than a god with no worshipers. But the truth is, I don't want to think about it too much. I imagine walking through a battlefield and surveying my handiwork. It used to be -- exhilarating. Most of the time, it still is. But sometimes… Well, I lived as a mortal for more than two years. Sometimes, it's a little too easy to imagine myself in place of one of those soldiers, dead or dying in agony. Or even to think of their widows … like the ones who would sometimes offer me a hot meal and a roof over my head in my mortal wanderings. Sometimes, it's too easy to remember that I've seen war from the other side.
Actually, I'm sitting here waiting for a call. From her.
Xena. Xena, Xena, Xena…
I keep thinking about the last time I saw her. It was not long after she gave me the golden apple and made me a god again, and turned down my offer to be a goddess with me. (Not that I ever really believed she'd agree.)
She was back in Greece with her little sidekick. I had promised myself I'd stay away -- she was bad for me, really -- but I couldn't resist looking in on her as she lay in her bedroll on a campsite. The blonde was sound asleep just a few feet away, but Xena's eyes were open.
I knew she sensed my presence; she always does. Her eyes widened a little. After a while she threw her blanket aside and sat up, looking straight at me. Then she rose to her feet, wearing only a light tunic, and walked off into the trees.
When she reached a small moon-flooded clearing, she stopped. She looked so beautiful in the moonlight, her face so still, black hair streaming down silvery-white bare shoulders -- it made something tighten in my throat.
"All right, Ares. You can come out."
I was used to those words, or words like them -- usually spoken in a tone that was sarcastic or bitter; occasionally a little playful, when she was in a good mood. But this time, she sounded different. Gentle, sad… almost tender.
I made myself visible.
"Hello, Xena."
"What do you want?"
I shrugged. "Just thought you might want to know how I'm doing. It's a big adjustment, you know -- being a god again."
The corners of her mouth curved up a little. There -- a smile. "You always do fine in the end."
"Maybe it's not the end yet."
She gave me a puzzled look. "What do you mean?"
Actually, I wasn't sure what I meant. I was just stalling. I wanted to tell her something, and I didn't know how to start. There I was, fumbling for words, my heart racing and lurching as if I were still mortal. And then I just blurted it out. "I saw how you looked at me when I was leaving."
Over the years, I've seen her in all sorts of situations, including some pretty scary ones. I think this was the first time I saw her look scared.
"What?" Her voice was just a whisper.
"That day, outside Odin's castle, when Aphrodite and I were leaving…" I took a deep breath.
"You never turned back," she said hurriedly.
I lowered my eyes. "I did -- when you couldn't see me anymore." I forced herself to look up again and meet her gaze; her lips quivered a little and I wanted so badly to kiss her. "I still get to you, don't I?"
She was silent for a moment, and made an effort to smile. "Still trying?"
"Still want me to?"
I wasn't ready for what happened next. Before I could say another word, she put her hand on the back of my neck, pulled my head down and kissed me.
I felt her tongue caress my mouth and her teeth tug very lightly on my lip. I wanted to take her in my arms but I didn't dare; part of me was afraid that if I moved, I would wake up and it would all be over. Finally she pulled back a bit, her eyes half-lidded, and I couldn't stand it anymore; I drew her close and kissed her, and we sank into the sweet-smelling grass. All the walls came down in that moment, between us and inside us. There was no God of War, no world's greatest warrior -- just her and me, man and woman, Ares and Xena.
Afterwards, she slept in my arms for a while, and I held her and stroked her hair. I conjured up bedcovers to keep her comfortable. When the first light of dawn was breaking out over the treetops, she stirred, and then lifted her head and looked at me. There was a moment's confusion in that look, and then a sort of pained tenderness. She smiled and ran her hand over my face; she leaned forward and kissed me, and I knew that I had never been happy until then.
Then her smile faded and she said, "Ares… This won't happen again."
I should have seen it coming; yet it still hurt, deep inside my chest. There was no point in asking why, but I asked anyway.
"You know why. You're the God of War."
This time, the hurt turned to anger. "You made me the God of War."
"There was no other way," she said softly.
"Why should it matter?" I said. "I still love you." The words came easily this time, so easily that it surprised even me.
That anguished tenderness was in her eyes again. Then she turned away and sat up, reaching for her tunic. She shook her head.
"It would never work, Ares. We're on different sides. I'd always be messing up your plans, and you'd always be trying to get me to be your Warrior Queen."
A moment later I was on my feet, fully dressed. She got up too.
"So this was just a one-night stand," I said. "Just something to get me out of your system."
She flinched a little. "Don't say that. It was one night …our night."
She reached out and tried to touch my face again, but I stepped back. She had messed with my head for the last time.
"Have it your way. Good-bye, Xena."
This time, when I shimmered out of visibility, I didn't look back.
And here I am now, thinking about her again.
Varia, Queen of the Amazons and my new protégée, is holding Xena's daughter. The fool came to Amazon lands leading a peace mission from the Roman emperor, even though the previous queen, Marga, had banished her on pain of death. Not surprising, really, considering the number Eve did on the Amazons when she was Livia, Champion of Rome -- before she got her brain fried. I don't especially like to think about Livia, though … I don't like the way it makes me feel. I really don't have anything to be ashamed of, do I? Xena had been gone for twenty years and I knew I'd never see the like of her again. Then I noticed a girl who had potential; she would never be Xena, but she would do. I trained her, spurred her on to new conquests, took her to bed … it was nothing I hadn't done before. I was -- am -- the God of War. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing.
Anyway, that's all in the past now. Livia is now meek little Eve, Messenger of Drivel. And if Varia has her way, she'll be preaching her message to the worms. I hadn't counted on Varia grabbing Eve. I could have told Varia to release her, or just spirited the girl out of harm's way myself ... even if it cost me that nice big war I've been planning. But then it would just look like I was desperate to get back into Xena's good graces… or doing her a favor so that she'd owe me. No, I'll let the Warrior Princess handle this one on her own. I know she'll pull it off ; I just want to see how she does it. Soon enough --
"Ares!"
Here we go.
I can see her now, marching resolutely through in a grassy field near the Amazon village, her eyes blazing. In an instant, I am there. But I don't show myself, not yet.
"Ares! Come out!'
"Xena…"
I'm speaking to her now, but I'm still invisible.
"Ares -- why are you doing this to me?"
She's really pissed off … but she also sounds … hurt. I never had the power to hurt her before, not really. I'm not sure how that makes me feel.
"Xena … "
She's fully alert now, her sword drawn, turning this way and that, trying to figure out where my voice is coming from. I've thrown her a little off-balance. Well, turnabout is fair play.
"Tell me, Xena … have you heard the story of the scorpion and the swan?"
She sounds bitter now. "You haven't even got the guts to face me."
"See, the scorpion needs to get across the river and he asks the swan for a ride. And the swan figures -- it's not much of a risk. The scorpion wouldn't sting the creature who's carrying him over the raging river…"
"My daughter's about to die because of you, and you're feeding me fairy tales?"
"Bear with me -- it's worth the wait. So, about halfway across, the scorpion stings the swan…"
As I speak, I hold out my hand and send out a wave of power. It makes a crimson glow spread over her belly, and she throws her head back, her eyes closed, her mouth half-open as the heat courses through her body. You can walk away from me, Xena, but don't forget, I'm a god now. I can make you feel things.
I lay my hand on her, and suddenly her hand is over mine. Then I remember that night in the forest clearing, when my touch made her gasp and moan with no god tricks, and suddenly I don't want to use my powers anymore.
" … and as they're both being swept to their death, the swan asks the scorpion, 'I was helping you. Why did you sting me?' And the scorpion answers …"
The glow has faded. Her voice soft, she finishes for me, "It's what I do."
"Yeah -- it's what I do," I say. I'm breathing in the scent of her hair, I'm caressing her neck and her shoulder and she lets me. Xena, Xena, Xena, don't you see I'm dying here? If a god can be dying… "See, I lost a lot of worshippers when I became mortal, and I need something major on my scorecard."
"Like the biggest war in centuries…"
She doesn't sound angry anymore; she sounds sad. She's touching my hand again. I could stand like this forever.
"No -- in history…" Wait a minute. Is she feeling sorry for me? Do I sound like I'm telling her that I'm saddled with this job now, like it or not, and I have to do it? No, dammit. I want her to see that I'm back, really back. "Those crazy Amazons, those ruthless Romans … both of them worshipping me for success in battle…" I chuckle. "Oh -- what a blast. I'm the god of war and that's what I do."
Now I've done it. Now she's pissed off. She whips around, facing me, her eyes hard.
"You son of a bitch. You think I'm gonna let you kill my daughter..."
"She wasn't invited to the party. She got involved of her own free will."
Her eyes narrow dangerously. She believes me, I can see that. But she's still pissed off.
"I may no longer be able to kill gods, Ares, but I'm not gonna let this happen without a fight."
Why am I scared of her? She can do nothing to me now. And yet --
"I believe you."
And with that, I'm gone.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I just can't stay away from this infuriating woman. I hang around her, invisibly, as she prepares to fight Varia. She sniffs me out, of course, and calls me out.
"You're here to gloat," she says bitterly, walking toward me. "Now, that you got your godhood back, you got everything you've always wanted, haven't you?" And she shoves me in the chest, hard enough to knock over any mortal.
I have to fall back on bravado and clever gibes. "Well, not exactly everything, but hey -- que sera. And come on, I'm not begrudging you what you want. Go in and grab your kid, I won't get in the way." I wonder if she can she see how nervous I am; dammit, I hardly know what I'm saying. "In fact, I'm kind of looking forward to see you take on a few dozen Amazons. Way-hay!"
She snorts in disgust. "Yeah, that'd be a nice warm-up for the main event, huh?"
I'm prancing around her like a schoolboy trying to hit on an older woman. I know I look ridiculous.
"Hey, can I help it if I've played this like the malevolent genius I am? Remember what the scorpion said."
"Ares …" She smiles a little, then shakes her head in exasperation. "The scorpion drowned."
Something about the way she says it makes me stop in my tracks. I watch her walk away briskly. The way she said it… she wasn't gloating, it was more like she was trying to warn me … as a friend. I can't believe what I'm saying.
And then it hits me.
Now that you got your godhood back, you got everything you always wanted, haven't you?
There was that hurt in her voice, once again. I think I know what you were really saying, Xena. You got your godhood back and you got what you wanted from me -- and you don't care anymore.
She doesn't really believe that, does she? Besides, she's got some nerve saying that -- she was the one doing the love'em-and-leave'em bit.
I suppose I should be mad at her right now. But I'm not. I know she cares.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
It's over. Eve is free. The war is off. The Amazons have deserted me.
If this is such bad news for me, why do I feel like laughing?
I make myself visible, clapping. I got to see her in action -- not just kicking ass but carrying out one of her brilliant plans. That feels good.
"You planned this all along, didn't you?" And then I am laughing. "You are -- so good!"
She gives me an enigmatic, dreamy little smile. And suddenly, it's just her and me again, just Ares and Xena. I still get to her, I can see that.
"It's what I do…"
Of course it's what she does. Once, the first time I tried and failed to turn her away from her quest for redemption, I told her, "Even as an adversary, you are one of a kind." Now, I suddenly know for sure that as long as I'm the God of War, I want her as an adversary. I don't want her to leave her path -- haven't wanted it for a long time. War is my job. Stopping me is her job. And maybe that works out fine, because there's a part of me that wants me to be stopped.
I grin at her. "And I wouldn't have it any other way."
She's still smiling as I disappear.
I think I'll see her again. Just because we're adversaries doesn't mean that's all we can be to each other … does it?
THE END