Based off the one shot I submitted, which can be found on gallagher girls headcanons. tumblr . com
478. When Zach finds out he's going to be a dad, he freaks out. He's happy, surprised, but mostly scared. Scared of being a bad father. It isn't until Rachel tells Zach he reminds her of Matt, the way they would do anything for Cammie, and in turn, their child, that he feels ready to go home and comfort Cam and prepare for their child.
Panic and dread.
That's all Zach was currently feeling.
As a spy/assassin, he was taught how to deal with these feelings, how to create a mask and hide them from everyone.
But it was all too much right now.
He felt his mask breaking. All the pent up emotions were beginning to show through.
He had to hold it in. At least until he was entirely alone.
He was currently sitting in a park, surrounded by children and their parents.
If he broke down now, there was no doubt in him that someone would end up calling the cops.
Of course, he could take on the cop, but that would raise more questions and concern, and he just didn't want to deal with it.
He was getting ready to stand up and walk to his car, when he saw her.
She was walking towards him, of course he should have known this already, but he was too tired to beat himself up for not noticing his mother-in-law's presence earlier.
As soon as she was within earshot, he spoke up, "I'm not in the mood for a lecture, Rachel. So please, just leave me alone, and you can yell at me or hit me later."
"As tempting as that sounds, I'm not going to yell at you, or hit you Zach. But I am here to get you back to my daughter."
"How mad is she?"
"She's not. She's worried about you, actually."
"I've messed everything up."
"No, you haven't. Not yet at least."
"I hugged her and left! How have I not messed this up?!"
"Because she understands you and knows where you're coming from. Most importantly, she loves you."
It was times like these when he seriously questioned how Cammie could love him and be with him. He knew that she was too good for him. Too innocent and pure.
She may argue that it wasn't true, after all they were in the same line of business, but he had blood on his hands. She argued that so did she, but she never killed without reason. He had had to, at Blackthorne.
He knew how to take lives and feel nothing at all, not even an ounce of guilt.
He thought his soul was dark and not worth saving, but Cammie never thought so.
But now he was sure that she would think the same.
I mean, how could she not?
She had seemed nervous for the past week, which worried him. She seemed distant and aloof.
But now he knew why.
After making lunch, she had asked to speak to him.
He had barely finished setting the table, when he noticed the pleading look in her eyes, so he went to move to the couch.
Instead of sitting and cuddling up next to him, she sat at the opposite end of the couch. This was not a good sign.
He prepared for the worst.
She wanted a divorce. She didn't want to be with him anymore. He knew she would eventually figure out she was to good for him.
He prepared for almost every situation in the few seconds of silence.
He was definitely not prepared for the words that came out of her mouth.
"Zach, I'm pregnant. We're going to be parents."
A surge of emotions came forward.
Happiness, joy, surprise. But then came the scare. And the dread. All his insecurities came forward.
He was going to be a father.
He had helped create a new life.
A life that was currently growing inside Cammie.
A life that was entirely too innocent and pure for him to ever touch.
He would taint it.
How could he ever be a father, a role model, to the child, when he hadn't known who his father was until he was eighteen years old?
So he stayed silent as he thought all this and Cammie grew worried.
She knew he would react like this, which is why she had dreaded telling him.
She wouldn't cry though. She needed to be strong until he sorted his thoughts.
Hearing her move from her place on the couch, Zach snapped back to reality.
She had barely turned from the couch by the time he was up and hugging her.
She was relieved as she felt his arms wrap around her, but it only lasted a moment.
He kissed her forehead, said "I love you," picked up his jacket and walked out the door.
That had been over two hours ago.
Enough time for her to contact her mother and tell her what had happened.
So he left. He went to the park, thinking that the fresh air would have helped him. Instead of finding some type of comfort or answer, he had been plagued by his actions and past.
Rachel, sensing what was going on in his head, spoke up, "You know that she loves you, right?"
Zach took a deep breath, "It's hard to believe sometimes."
"We both love you." Zach turned to look at her and saw that she was telling the truth. "Matt would have loved you too."
Zach had never really heard much about Matthew from Rachel, unless she had been speaking to Cammie. Cam was the one who usually spoke about her father.
Seeing the curiosity in his eyes, she continued to speak, "He would have. I know he would have. You're good for Cammie, no matter what you think, I can see it. You changed her and helped her."
"Rachel," he started, shaking his head, "what I've done, what I've been. I'm not good for her." He had never spoken aloud his deepest darkest thoughts.
She knew this is what he needed to say, so she let him speak.
"I've taken lives, I've been trained to do so. I wasn't one of the good guys, I wouldn't be if it hadn't been for her. I shouldn't have done that to her. I should've let her go and find someone else, but I was too selfish. I told myself it was because I needed to keep her safe, but I know she didn't need me.
How can I raise I child with all the things I've done? How can I hold him or her with the hands that have taken lives? I don't know how to be a parent.
I had no one growing up. That insane woman who called herself my mother only taught me hate and how to take lives. She was the furthest thing from the loving and nurturing mother she should've been.
I never knew who my father was until I was eighteen years old! I don't know how to be a dad.
What if I end up being a bad dad? I don't know what I'm going to say when they hurt themselves, or when they accomplish something. If I hurt myself, she would only tell me it was my fault, if I did anything right she didn't acknowledge it.
I remember seeing other children in the park, playing with their parents. A boy who was playing catch with his dad. When he ran, he tripped and skinned his knee, his dad ran over to him and picked him up. I never got that.
I never had one constant person in my life, I don't know if I can do that. What if I hurt them? What if they hate me when they find out everything I've done? I don't know how to do this Rachel."
By the end, both had tears in their eyes. She had never known Zach had felt all this. She had a guess, but never knew how far this extended. No wonder he was always so guarded. He wasn't dark and evil like he thought he was, he was simply broken and still healing.
She pulled him in for a hug and held him. She stroked his hair, just like she had done for Cammie and Matthew.
"Zach, listen to me. Your past does not define you. You've had a difficult past, but you're not the same person you were. You are a better person than you were then.
You walked away from everything that you were taught. You would've been your mother's successor had you stayed with them but you didn't. You made that choice.
Your life, your path, everything changed the moment you turned your back on the Circle.
You're not alone anymore. You never will be. You have Cam, you have us. Joe, Abby, Townsend and I will always be there, not to mention the girls. We are your family, whether you like it or not."
A long silence passed between them.
Zach tried to control his breathing and reign his emotions in, while Rachel reflected.
"You know, you are just like Matthew. He reacted the exact same way. He freaked out."
"What?"
"Yeah, he was happy. I could see that, but he was scared too. He left and I gave him a few hours before I went out to look for him.
He was afraid that he would hurt Cammie. He didn't grow up like you did. He chose our lifestyle, he wasn't raised into it like we were. He was so afraid that his choices would hurt her.
He thought he was a danger to her. But he wasn't, just like you're not.
He loved Cammie. She was his princess, she was everything to him. When he saw her for the first time, when he held her for the first time, he cried.
He stayed up with her through the night. I would wake up and see him asleep on the rocking chair with her in his arms.
He was afraid when I told him I was pregnant, afraid that he would taint her, but he didn't need to be afraid. He became the best father I know. You don't need to be afraid, Zach.
You are so like him, you know.
You both are headstrong, patient, and very loving.
You two would do anything for her. I know you're always going to protect her.
He would've loved you. He also would have threatened you when you started dating, but he would also understand you right now.
He would see what I know. You are a good person. You will be a great dad. It's because you know what it's like not to have a dad, that you're going to be an amazing one."
"Thanks Rachel."
"You're welcome, now go back to my daughter and comfort her before I kill you."
7 months later.
After hours of intensive labor, Cammie had finally given birth.
She had given birth to a little girl.
As the nurse handed a now clean baby to Zach, he felt overwhelmed.
He knew what Matthew felt for Cammie as he held his own daughter in his hands.
And a tear slipped from his eyes as he saw his daughter open her eyes.
He wouldn't taint her.
She would grow up to be a great person.
While she seemed to have mostly Cammie's features, the eyes were unmistakably his.
Precisely his eyes.
While hers reflected only wonder, his were filled with unconditional love.