The Demon Room
Disclaimer: With a delay like this on my hands, there are many things I should be guilty about. None of which is owning A Series of Unfortunate Events.
A/N: Sorry, folks, for the delay. It's been a busy summer, with a good deal of get-togethers, papers—Machiavelli is an ass—and the curse of writer's block. But never fear my bold, bold reader! Because, this fine day August the nineteenth, 2011, The Plot Murderers release the first three chapters of The Demon Room, Book Five of A Series of Queer Events.
We'd like to thank Gypsy Rosalie, and anyone else for sticking by us through five books. Fans and favorites like yours always manage to keep us going.
And now for the synopsis:
In this lovely parody of The Reptile Room, we will see mad scientists, ghosts, storms, romance, murder, and characters of a sort that we will never think of Daniel Handler the same way again. Also, marvel as the writer's manage to break one of the most sacred rules of the writing trade. What rule shall it be? You'll find out, if you read this chapter.
Ready?
Get set—
GO!
Chapter 1, 'Twas a Dark and Stormy Night; And All That Other Jazz—
Lemony Snicket Land has, for the most part, been completely mapped out.
Unfortunately, our story starts in one of the uncharted parts of Snicket Land. Let's see what it is, shall we?
The rain was coming down very hard on the thick forest. There was gusting wind, rolling thunder and crashing lighting. The limbs of trees waved about like the arms of madmen and—well—that's enough about the storm, let's move down to the forest floor.
Scrambling up the muddy slope were two figures, one's head was shrouded in red flame, another's head was a shock of white and blue.
These two forms struggled, groaning and moaning, to get to their destination. A destination they had a very vague idea about.
On the path, one of them tripped up a tree root and fell, sprawled out on the muddy ground, her fiery hair nearly put out by the pouring rain.
"Isadora!" the blue figure bent to the aid of his sister, "Are you all right?"
"No." Isadora replied, "Duncan, I think I've twisted an ankle. You have to find help."
Duncan was immediately worried, "Help? Sister dear, for the first point, the populous of the world think we're murderers. For the second point, we're in the bloody middle of nowhere!"
Isadora looked at him, steely eyed, "Duncan. There has to be some cottage or farm or something out here! And if there is one: you're blue. People aren't going to recognize you as 'the evil Christmas Eve murderer'. Please Duncan, I'm very weak. I can't last much longer."
Duncan looked at her solemnly and grasped her hand, "Of course, sister. But, are you sure I can't help you stand?"
"No, Duncan. I don't want you to get hurt too. Now please, go! And try to remember where I am."
Duncan nodded quickly, "Of course, of course! I'll be back in a speck! I mean sec! See you presently!"
He dashed over the ridge and out of sight.
Isadora just hoped she would see him again.
Their parents. They had to find their parents. They had to find 'The Realm of the Serpent'. That was where the answers were. That was where she would find them.
"What does the map say again?" Plot Murderer #1 asked me as I drove down the empty road.
"It says you have to shut up!" I replied.
We had been going on a vacation to celebrate four books in our series being completed. Unfortunately, I had no idea where in hell we were.
"I think we're lost." PM1 stated the obvious.
"I think you should hand me the map." I stared at him, guiding the car to the shoulder.
My brother gave me the map of Snicket Land. It nearly filled the car.
"Okay." I began scrutinizing the map, "We're going to B*tchy Beach via Lunatic Lane."
"Are we even still on Lunatic Lane?"
"Shut up! As I was saying: Lunatic Lane goes east through the Dark Forest. Ah! We're in the Dark
Forest! We just took the wrong road off of Lunatic Lane. But that's no matter. We can just turn around—"
Then, as often happens in my dreadfully dreadful life, the car died.
Immediately, PM1 started enacting his favorite pastime of freaking out on me, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! We're gonna die! What's going on? I can't die out here! I haven't seen this year's E3! Oh no!" He started his other brilliant act of pretending to sob into the glove compartment.
"Hush, will you?" I tried to remain calm, "The battery probably just died. But that doesn't mean we can't drive to the nearest gas—"
I pulled the gas. Nothing happened.
"—station." I finished, morose.
"What is it now?" PM1 lifted his head from my emergency Kleenex.
"We're out of gas."
"Thank you!" he shouted to the heavens, "We're gonna drown in this storm, all alone, without any food or water! Isn't everything just peaches and cream? Of course it is! Why wouldn't it be? My life is over!"
"Calm down!" I slapped him, "Now, you stay right here. Call me if anything goes wrong."
"What?"
"I'm gonna find a gas station. And a mechanic as well, I suppose. I'm going to head back to Lunatic Lane and see if I can find one."
I put on my trusty jacket and, handy umbrella in hand, I walked down the road.
Another odd party traveling through the rainy forest that night were the three Baudelaire orphans. We all know who they are, don't we? But for those that can't remember—and I don't blame you if you can't—here is a little summary of them:
Violet: Fourteen year old inventor
Klaus 'Chubs': Twelve year old researcher
Sunny: Two year old psycho
As we also know, they had escaped the Hinterlands in a caravan pulled by two lions. Currently, Violet was steering the lions through the rain while Chubs and Sunny ate a meal of dry toast inside.
"Filthy night, isn't it?" Chubs remarked to his baby sister.
"Gueeg." Sunny shrugged. As you probably also know, Sunny is a baby and talks either in
unintelligible gibberish or fragments of actual English. For instance, 'Gueeg' means, 'I don't really
care. I'm too miserable to notice anything but the deep, deep pools of blackness that consume me.'
Chubs stared at her and looked down at his hands.
Three months earlier, in a rushed attempt to keep himself, the Quagmires and Violet alive, they had each received some sort of mutation.
Isadora had gained hair of fire; Duncan had gained the body temperature of the average
iceberg; Violet had gained silver hair and telekinesis to go with it; and Chubs had been turned into a tall, dark and handsome super model.
Recently, their long-lost aunt had given them four bottles of antidote for the mutation. One for him, one for Violet and the other two for Isadora and Duncan when, and if, they were found.
Violet had already taken her antidote. Her brain had lost all hypersensitive reactivity and her hair had been restored to dark brown.
Chubs looked at his sister, "Well, I'm going to have to pop down that antidote. This bulky form shall annoy me no more!"
Chubs took his own bottle from the cupboard and downed it all in one gulp. Immediately, he felt a shudder pass through him.
"I'll be right back." he managed to groan, popping into the caravan bathroom: a small closet-like space in the back.
Sunny contented to listen to Chubs' retching, as she contemplated the teeth marks in the dining table, left, of course, by her lethal teeth.
Violet sat at the reins of the caravan, looking ahead of her into the murky blackness of the forest. She didn't know where they were going. All she did know was that they couldn't stay were they were.
They had left the Hinterlands a bit of a while ago and now Violet placed that they were somewhere in the Filliping Forest of Tulson Wood.
They were quite far from any actual people, or a road, for that matter.
Well, she was sure that she would find something eventually.
I was not faring well in my hapless quest to find the gas station. Actually that was an understatement.
I had no idea at all where I was going. I was wet, cross and uncomfortable, and of course the only source of light was the occasional clap of lighting.
Suddenly, I saw a rather different sort of light. Artificial light, shining over the trees. I began to do my 'Victory Dance':
"Woo! Woo! I'm not gonna die! I'm not gonna die! Woo! Woo!"
I turned around and saw a deer giving me a weird look.
"Ah." I sighed, realizing what an ass I was making of myself, "Well, pressing on!"
I dashed up the hill towards the light. Truly, I had never been more relieved then I was in that moment.
But, that relief would soon turn to horror of the utmost terrible-ness-ess-es-sss.
Duncan too, was feeling relief as he reached a habitation at last.
It was a house. Okay, it was a big house. An ENORMOUS house. Perhaps there was someone here who could help him.
Now, there are some people in the world who are eccentric: Vlad the Impaler, Cleopatra, Lady Gaga etc.
Then again, there are some people who are eccentric and totally insane. Evidently, this house belonged to one of the 'totally insane' eccentrics. The entire front yard of the ENORMOUS house was made up of tile sculptures of snakes.
Big snakes, small snakes, snakes with sunglasses and bad perms, and of course all manner
of lizards and toads and frogs which, contrary to popular belief, are different from toads.
"The Realm of the Serpent!" Duncan gasped. Could he have found it at last? Could it just be coincidence? If it was, what sane person decorated their lawn with giant snakes?
Tentatively, Duncan stepped up to the front door and brought the brass knocker, which was shaped like the head of a snake, its mouth agape and tongue hanging, against it three times.
There was silence for a few seconds, in which only the storm could be heard; then, quite suddenly, there were slow footsteps from behind the door and it opened.
The man standing in the doorway was extremely unremarkable, to say the least. He was tall and wiry, with a shock of gray hair and a pencil mustache. His complexion was pale and his teeth were white. His stockings were fouled and he had no hat upon his head.
"Good evening." He began absentmindedly. Then he noticed that Duncan was blue. For some reason though, he didn't seem all that shocked, "Ah! An orc has come to my door at last! Please come in, dear orc and I will put on a pot of tea."
Duncan stared at the man, not sure of what to say. Finally he came up with something very clever, "I'm not an orc!"
Now, the man was shocked, flabbergasted, even,
"Really? Are you an elf, then?"
"No."
"An ogre?"
"No."
"A goblin?"
"No."
"Then what are you?"
"I'm a person."
The man nearly passed out, "A person? Good God, you're one of those madmen who steal my eggs! Go! Go! Leave me be!"
He seized an umbrella from a stand next to him and brandished it like a baseball bat.
Duncan was now quite doubtful of this man's sanity, "I don't steal eggs! Come to think of it, I don't much like them either."
"Oh." The man suddenly seemed to remember that Duncan was there, for he next said, "Then, please tell me. Why is your skin midnight blue and your hair chalk
white?"
"I was born with horrifying defects." Duncan replied after a short pause.
"Hm. Maybe you'd better come inside. My name is Montgomery. Montgomery Montgomery."
Duncan creased his brow. Montgomery. It was surely a very odd name for someone to have.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Mr. Montgomery asked, "Come on in!"
And so, Duncan followed the man into his house. A mistake that he would soon regret.
"Look!" Violet, called to her siblings in the caravan,
"I see light up ahead! There must be a house near here!"
Chubs, now back in his original form, and Sunny stuck their heads out the door, "Indeed!" Chubs exulted, "On top of that hill! Violet, head north!"
"Ioja!" nodded Sunny, which meant, "Hurry up! I'm hungry, cranky and I think I just wet myself!"
Without any argument, Violet snapped the reins and headed towards the light.
A/N: And there's the first of the three chapters we're giving out today. The story is going to be taking a few little twists and turns after this. The horror theme that we're going for will also a little tricky to work out, but I think I've got a handle on it.
Also, WHY ARE THE AUTHORS INVADING THE STORY LIKE A PAIR OF RUN-OF -THE-MILL SELF-INSERT MARTY STU'S?
The answer to that one is very easy. The presence of the authors in a world which they don't know they created, will be an important plot-line as things go on.
And now, let's switch on Nadia's Theme, and orchestrate a visually satisfying credits sequence.
Update Already Up!:)