Pain. Regret. Rage. Hopelessness. Guilt. Anyone would think that was what filled her up. But it wasn't. What she felt the most inside of her was a cold and heartrending emptiness.
She couldn't burst out in tears.
She couldn't scream until losing her voice.
The guilt wasn't eating her alive (most of the time).
She was empty. Broken.
She had lost everything she used to be, everything she had once believed. And that tiny part of herself that had returned, that hurt and weak little piece, was trapped in that hard shell full of cold pain.
I just want to feel something, she used to thought in those moments when she didn't have anything to hold on to, when she was so lonely she couldn't even feel sorry for herself.
Acting was another thing. Sometimes she didn't even need to, she just could be free for a couple of hours. But eventually the pain would came back to her, as a bitter reminder of how her life actually was. The past chased her, her demons didn't let her sleep at night. For hours she stayed in her bed, without even closing her eyes, because in the dark of her mind the light from her memories brighted stronger. She would try to forget everything, completely in vain. She could pretend, yeah. Lying and some smiles were part of the deal too. But it was harder every time. After all she was just human. Just a broken person, trying to move on.
And that's exactly how she felt that night. She was at her room, sitting on her bead and resting her back against the wall.
Just one more night, May thought, trying to fool herself, as she held weakly a cup of coffee in her hands.
In that moment the door opened, and he entered the room. He, the cause of her actual pain. He, who knew her better than anyone in the world. He, who had not been misled and had realised that that day had been way too much for her.
"Go away" she muttered, upset.
May didn't like having him around when she was feeling like that. She knew that it would only make him sad, that she would hurt him. But that was all she could do, wasn't it? Hurt people.
"Skye gave me an ultimatum" he informed her, closing the door behind his backs and ignorig her dry order.
"I told her not to" she replied without looking away from his hands.
"Coffee?" Coulson asked. His voice sounded fake, even for him, trying to hide his panic in a poorly feigned disbelief. "How long have you been without sleeping?"
"I needed to stay awake"
"Before or after our mission?"
"Does it matter?" May took a long sip from her cup, not even flinching at the bitter taste that disgusted her so much. Bad sign.
Coulson went to her and took the coffee from her hands, not obtaining any resistance from her. It was cold, and the strong aroma given off gave him a disturbing clue of how many spoons she had used. Without even thinking it he violently threw the cup against the wall, making it explode into a million porcelain pieces.
He didn't care about the liquid running down the wall, or about the fact that the noise could wake someone up. He had seen May suffering before, he had seen her absolutely mirerable. But this... this was a hundred times worse. This was May, his lifelong best friend, his rock, giving up, accepting that there was nothing left to be done and falling voluntarily into the bitter consequences.
"I know you've been trying to avoid me today" he told her, sitting next to her on the bed.
The silence was the only thing he got as an answer.
"And I know it's my fault you're feeling this way" Coulson put a hand on her knee.
"It is" she recognized, not even looking at him.
The director sighed.
"I'm sorry, for real. But I want you to look at me as I tell you something" he asked her in a low voice.
For a few minutes it seemed as if she hadn't heard him talking. Then she slowly turned her head around until their looks met. Coulson felt a pang of pain when he looked into those brown beautiful eyes, those eyes he knew so well, and saw them so empty and shriveled. They were framed by dark circles, what did nothing to accentuate the haggard of her face.
He approximated to her quietly, just stopping when the distance between them got reduced to a few inches
"I haven't given up" Phil said, in a warm and barely audible whisper. "I won't give up. There are still so many things to do, so many things worth fighting for. I won't die turned into Garrett"
"You can´t know it" she replied with a weak and raspy voice.
He could see her shield was crumbling piece by piece, it wouldn't take much longer until it finally broke down.
"I know. But we'll find a way to get out of this. Together. As we always do"
So many years ago, in a time as painful and uncertain as the one they were actually living, he had used those exactly same words. May understood that this time he wasn't alluding to Bahrain but to the promise he had made her that day; that he would always be by her side
That was too much for her. She could feel the tears escaped her eyes, slipping between her eyelashes and releasing the knot she had felt before in her throat.
"Phil..." was all she could articulate.
Coulson pulled her close, holding her tightly, as if hiding her in his arms he could protect her from the rest of the world.
"I'm here" he said, gently stroking his hair. "I'm here and I'm not goig anywhere"
May closed her eyes, buryng her head in his chest. He held her quietly. He wanted to disappear with her, take her away to those distant times at the Academy, where everything was easier. Or maybe they could escape to those years of youth and missions, when everything was just trust and friendship. Things were simpler, no hazards or great resposabilities, just fun and freedom. He wouldn't think it twice, if he had that possibility he would chose it inmediately, and they would get lost in time.
Nevertheless, in that moment full of chaos he couldn't help but felt amazed because of everything their friendship had gone through. And he didn't mean the most dangerous missions or alien atacks, but pain and grief, fear and distrust. She was more than his best friend, she was the most important person in the world to him, and he knew it was the same for her. Maybe in another time their relationship could have turned into something else, but now that option seemed to him so distant and remote as impossible.
"I hope you'll find someone who loves you" he told her softly.
"I don't want or need anyone else to love me" May replied stubbornly.
"I know. And neither do I"
She let out a little and broken smile. She really didn't how, but he was the only one who could manage a way to make her smile in moments lika that.
"We are going to be fine" Coulson whispered in her ear. He wasn't sure if he was talking to her or himself, but he needed to hear those words said out loud.
May said nothing, just nodded with her head, as she kept on soaking his shirt with her tears. Everything of him was known for her, his embrace was something familiar and safe, just what she needed.
Coulson felt a tear fighting to fall from his own eye, and it was just then that he realised how afraid he actually was. No, he wasn't scared of what the alien DNA could do to him, or of the dangers Hydra would bring them. He just couldn't bear with the possibility of leaving her.
He had been capable to get to May after Bahrain, to help her to rebuild herself. He knew how his death had affected her, and he was no idiot, he was absolutely conscious about what another loss would do to her. May wasn't a statue or an ice queen, as how most of the people seemed to picture her. It wasn't that she couldn't feel anything at all, she actually felt too much. She was someone who had suffered and a lot, someone who had gone through things that nobody should ever experience. She needed someone who loved her and he had always occupied that place, but what would happen later?
"I'm not going to leave you" he promised. "Never"
He knew that it was something practically impossible to comply, that it probably was the hardest promise he had ever done. And May knew that too.
"Thanks" she said anyways, beeing completely honest.
Even though she had stopped crying a while ago, none of them seemed disposed to pull apart.
"Will you stay here?" asked May, her voice barely audible.
"Well, I need to make sure you get some sleep"
She could almost hear him smiling.
Coulson stood up and opened the bed for the two of them. Then he introduced under the sheets next to her, holding her in his arms once again. She knew that it wasn't exactly necessary, but she secretly thanked him for it.
"Now let's have some rest. Okay?"
"Okay"
"Fine. You should tell Skye so she will stop planning her revenge"
"Nah. She'll probably come to check on me first, she will see us and then run away to tell Trip" she said before yawning, resting her chin in the hollow of his shoulder.
"Mmm, that sounds like her... Skye needs you" Coulson suddenly said, trying to talk softly and avoid scratching any recent wounds that their previous conversation could have left. "She'll need you to protect her"
"And I will protect her. Always, no matter what" answered May, with a surprisingly decided and steady voice.
With one of his hands he held of of the sides of her face, gently caressing her cheek.
"You know I love you so much, right?"
He said that without even thinking it. It was pretty obvious actually, something they had both known for so many years, but it still was something that none of them had ever said out loud. May took a deep breath, steeling herself, and was surprised when those words that she feared so much came out of her mouth with an absolute serenity.
"I love you too"
They both gave each other a small smile, letting themselves fall in Morpheus's arms. And May was not longer afraid, none of them was. Because, one way or another, they would get a way out of that hell. Together. As they always did.
Just a little something I wrote this morning... What do you think? Please post some reviews! :)