Hello! As you can see, I've made another One Piece 'Manual', as the selection of these lovely creations must be expanded, and they make me giggle more than they probably should. Please enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece. There is no money in these pockets. Coffee is great. Are we done stating the obvious now?
SANJI - User Guide and Manual
Congratulations! You have just purchased your very own SANJI unit! To provide you and your unit with the best possible experience alongside minimal blood loss and/or mild trauma, we here at One of a Piece Inc have procured this failsafe manual!
Technical Specifications:
Name: Sanji, but will also respond to "Mr. Prince," "Dartboard brow," "lecher-cook/love-cook/ero-cook," and "STOP FLIRTING, DAMMIT!"
Age: 21
Place of Manufacture: North Blue
Height: 180cm
Weight: 65kg give or take
Your unit comes with the following accessories:
One (1) Black suit
One (1) Pair of impossibly durable, snazzy black shoes
Three (3) Knives for cooking (WARNING: If you value your life, do not suggest they are for combat purposes)
One (1) Kitchen's worth of supplies
Endless (−) Cigarettes
No (0) Red lollipops. Ever.
Programming:
Your SANJI unit is programmed with the following traits:
Plastic Surgeon: Displeased with your, or even another's, current aesthetic? No problem! Your SANJI unit is well-equipped with a series of kicks, stomps, and punts that can easily render bone structure more malleable than any sculptor's clay! A few whaps with the trusty "Black Leg," and watch, amazed, as a whole new face is masterfully pounded out right before you!
Hand Model: Find yourself in need of the perfect hand model, or just searching for the epitome of 'damn fine hands', then look no further! Your unit holds the ironclad belief that a chef's hands are his most prized possessions, so they're better cared for than any fine diamond. Look all you want, there will be no calluses on those gallant palms, no scrapes or bruises marring those exquisite phalanges! This, we assure you!
Master Chef: Want to experience the skill of a master chef, yet too scared to face those terrifying British fireballs of volcanic culinary passion? Well, you're in luck! If you carry two x-chromosomes, your SANJI unit will be more than happy to flaunt his culinary prowess for your entertainment and consumption purposes! However, if your genes contain the ingredient: y-chromosome, you're better off facing Ramsey.
Activating your SANJI unit:
Your unit is by no doubt a morning person, and will likely be up hours before the thought of rolling off your precious bed can even cross your mind. In this case, he can be found in the kitchen, concocting some sort of mind-blowing breakfast. If for some reason your SANJI unit has yet to activate on his own, you may attempt the following:
1. Get a RORONOA ZORO unit to stand before the box. Your unit will burst from the box to engage in combat with the RORONOA ZORO unit. Not wholly recommended as you may be caught in the crossfire. Should you choose this method, we are not responsible for any new haircuts or suspiciously foot-shaped marks that may occur as a result.
2. Stand near the box and comment, in any volume or frequency range, "Oh my, that is one fine woman." Your unit will proceed to explode out of the box in a flurry of hearts and embarrassing wiggle-motions. Feel free to state that you are the 'fine' woman, but it is not advised as it will be one hell of an awkward experience. If you still choose to do so, we applaud your courage.
3. Stand within arm's reach of the box, knock, and politely ask for some food, stating that you are hungry. Your SANJI unit will then quickly emerge from the box to prepare you the most perfect meal you have ever experienced in this lifetime. Typically the preferred method according to user reviews.
Modes:
After successfully awakening your unit, you have the option to set him to the following modes:
Cook (default)
Overpowered (default)
Mellorine
Badass
Rocket (locked)
Your unit's default modes are Cook and Overpowered. In Cook, your unit's primary focus will be the culinary arts and his dream of finding the All Blue. But don't worry, your unit will not ignore you in his passions and will happily proceed to discuss the above topics as you consume his exquisite culinary creations. While in Overpowered, your unit will remain totally unperturbed by most any situation categorized by the everyday person as bizarre, catastrophic, and/or life-threatening, treating it like a piece of cake.
In Mellorine mode, activated upon your SANJI unit being in the presence of any unit under the category: FEMALE, your unit will proceed to imitate a noodle and spout hearts into the air like an enamoured beached whale. If you – the user – are female, then good luck; you have our utmost sympathy.
Badass: This mode is activated on a seemingly sporadic basis. Upon activation, your unit will proceed to be the smoothest creature on earth with epic levels of badassery and nonchalance, sending out suave one-liners and kickass moves like nobody's business. WARNING: this mode has been known to cause the user to fall for their SANJI unit, if only for a moment.
Rocket mode is only unlocked after your SANJI unit has been left alone in the company of any OKAMA units for an extended period of time. While in this mode, whenever any and all units categorized as FEMALE enter your unit's line of sight, he will ejaculate a nauseatingly powerful stream of blood from his nasal cavity strong enough to propel himself into the air – or walls – at frightening speeds.
Relations with other units:
RORONOA ZORO: A RORONOA ZORO unit and SANJI unit get along as well as a mongoose and cobra: upon encountering the other, a fight is inevitable. If possible, try to limit interactions between these units as the probability of you – and others – getting caught in the crossfire is very high.
MONKEY D. LUFFY: If there is a MONKEY D. LUFFY in the general vicinity of your SANJI unit, please proceed with caution, as the MONKEY D. LUFFY unit will consume all foods painstakingly prepared by your unit at a rate faster than the human eye can register. There is no risk of the units seriously fighting, but long periods of interaction may cause your unit a great deal of stress and (minor) paranoia.
BROOK: This unit may be considered your SANJI unit's comrade in perverted endeavors, and combined they can produce enough lechery to consistently power a whole continent for a few months. Once again, if you – the user – are female, you have our utmost sympathy.
BOA HANCOCK & SHIRAHOSHI: If these units are in the vicinity, please be extremely careful not to allow them into your unit's sight as, overwhelmed by their sheer beauty and his immense love for women, he will proceed to imitate a statue with startling accuracy, literally turning to stone for a brief period of time. (Added to the main manual after a user was knocked out from having a SANJI unit statue unexpectedly fall on them)
Feeding:
Being one hell of a pro chef, your unit is fully capable of feeding himself and will immediately shoot down any offers from the user to cook instead. If it is a simple dish, your SANJI unit may allow you to help with smaller tasks. Be thankful; you likely won't be cooking for yourself ever again.
Cleaning:
Though your unit is 100% able to clean himself without assistance, he will not refuse any offers to help by a female user. But, said user would likely end up cleaning what appears to be a horrifying crime scene – the result of the obscene bloody nose that would undoubtedly occur after such an offer.
Rest:
Your unit follows normal sleep cycles but will wake in the early hours in the morning to prep kitchen. If your unit appears to be asleep but has a large bump on his head and an odd look on his face, don't worry, he probably did something to deserve it. He'll be up in a few minutes.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: My unit isn't moving. He's standing and just... staring into space with this sad, lost look on his face. What's happening?
A: It seems your SANJI unit is missing his cigar and is experiencing his withdrawal symptoms. Please provide your SANJI unit with a steady supply of tobacco, as we are uncertain of what could happen otherwise – the apocalypse, spontaneous combustion, who knows. A SANJI unit is not designed to consume item: RED LOLIPOPS as a replacement, so don't even consider it.
Q: I think my unit's dead—OH MY **** THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE—WHAT SHOULD I DO!?
A: First, check: is it coming from his nose? If so, your unit is fine but may require a blood transfusion. Please transport him to the nearest medical facility and/or TONY TONY CHOPPER unit. Detergent and cold water works wonders; good luck.
Q: There is a drop-dead gorgeous, stylishly dressed, and undoubtedly romantic blond gentleman standing before me, but I'm certain he's not a SANJI unit, what's going on? (Edit: He came with a horse. A horse.)
A: There seems to have been a mistake with your order, and you have been sent a CAVENDISH unit on accident. If you find yourself in any way unsatisfied with this exemplary image of captivating pretty-boy magnificence, please contact our customer services and send him back – we will correct your order straight away. WARNING: Do not let him fall asleep at any point during this process!
End Note
With a little unconditional love and endless patience, this adorable love-cook will become an unshakeable and memorable presence in your life with minimal cleaning expenses!
Man, that was fun to write! Hope you had as much fun reading it as I did! (To get an image, I was sitting here typing and laughing at my own jokes like a gleeful little old man. Gah, so embarrassing)
Feel free to leave a review! Once again, not mandatory (Because how?), but I'd love to hear your thoughts! ... In the "I read a post" way, not in the "I'm a telepath now, woo!" way.
Also, these 'Manuals' are really fun for me, so I'll definitely be posting more of them as inspiration whaps me over the head.
Signin' out,
Ivory Addax