A/N: This is the reply to a challenge set by the S.L.A.S.H committee at our
school. It is a bit terrible but I thought I'd post it anyway because it's
fun. Sal x
Freaky-Corny-Hogwarts-Christmas-Friday (Thursday)
T'was a few days before Christmas and a slightly overweight young lad was sat on a damp bench somewhere in Scotland where it was a cloudy and drizzly Thursday evening. There were no mice. Neville Longbottom was the boy in question.
Now, it was true that Severus Snape blamed this particular child for just about everything (except those crimes too terrible to have been committed by a half-wit and which were therefore committed by a certain Mr. Potter), but this time it really was entirely his fault.
It all started with Neville scrubbing the bottoms of some cauldrons. The cauldrons' bottoms happened to be coated with a thick layer of burnt scarab beetle dung and Neville happened to be scrubbing with his fingernails, but that is neither here nor there because it has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the story. Neville was scrubbing cauldrons in Professor Snape's laboratory, in the dungeons, at Hogwarts, in Scotland, when it all happened. This, you might wrongly imagine, would mean he must be far flung from wherever the terrible event this tale is hinged around took place. But as I said, you imagined wrongly.
At the back of the lab, Severus Snape stood with one amused yet steely eye trained on the stout dimwit at the front and one bitter and also pissed off eye on the potion in front of him. By the way, gentle readers, allowing one's eyes to express two different emotions as well as looking in different directions at the same time is a skill only acquired with a great deal of time and pent-up sexual frustration. Anyway, practise in your own time. Our reluctant Potions Master was stood there, the dim firelight illuminating his aquiline features, tired, bedraggled and oozing sex appeal when suddenly and for no apparent reason other than to move the plot along, a certain toad named Trevor hopped from the confines of a certain set of robes and quite without ceremony (and most certainly without any decorum or regard for hygiene), spat into the potion which our hero was so skilfully a- brewing. The eye which had been formerly guarding said potion happening to be preoccupied contemplating making his third year Hufflepuffs disembowel flobberworms for their double lesson last thing.
Well, as we all are well aware, the saliva of the green toad is a most powerful potions ingredient and its misuse can lead to the most terrible of consequences. Thankfully, for us though, fearful readers, our beloved Professor was not the intended imbiber of this concoction. It was destined for the lips of the rugged, animalistic, and lunarly challenged, Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Remus Lupin; Severus' sworn arch-rival in dramatic hair tossing. Oh yes, they were bitter rivals dear reader. Day and night they fought, Severus holding grudges from their time at as boys together and the wolf in Remus not letting him give in to the stuck-up git, never could they cease their enmity nor settle things over a nice cup of tea and a chocolate hobnob, but Neville and Trevor were about to put an end to all that.
And thus, my humble yuletide yarn begins, one cloudy and drizzly Thursday evening in Scotland.
***
Severus turned his kohl-lined eye back to the potion, not the slightest concern for the fact that it had turned a purpley-orange colour and smelt vaguely of turnips; his nose had caught the scent of a wolf on the stairs and he was wondering why his stomach was doing complex back flips. Probably just showing off, he thought.
"Severus!" Remus flung open the door to the lab spectacularly causing it to bounce back off the wall and knock things over. Remus tossed his manly brown hair over one shoulder, gasping, "I must have my elixir this instant! I fear the change is approaching earlier than expected!"
Snape scowled, he wasn't going to be out-tossed, not this time, "I suspected this might happen," he raised his eyebrows knowingly, "Which is why I brewed this tonic in anticipation of your dilemma. You are fortunate to have such a skilled and intuitive Potions Master willing to generously help you." His voice took on a dramatic booming quality, Neville shrunk slightly into the desk.
"And modest too."
"Oh shut up and take the damn potion of you want it, you overgrown mongrel."
"Why thankyou, Severus, you're always so charming."
"Oh, fuck off."
"Don't tell me to fuck off!"
"Why not? Fuck off!"
"Fuck off yourself!"
"I said it first!"
"Well I said it second!"
"What the fuck is that supposed to fucking mean?!" (I'm terribly sorry about this language, timid readers, please feel free to cover your eyes until you see fit to open them again).
"WILL BOTH OF YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Neville clapped a hand over his mouth; whoops. Judging by the sounds of blood rushing through his ears, Neville guessed that he was turning bright tomato red and there was nothing he could do about it but blush even more. Remus wondered whether the poor boy had burst several capillaries at once.
Snape's mouth formed a deadly shark-like grin that split his face in two (well, not literally of course), "Mis...ter...Long...Bottom..." Remus swallowed, Severus kept no prisoners when his voice sounded as if his batteries were low and Neville knew this as well as any other student. And therefore, honest readers, we see Neville scramble for any courage which may have been left on the floor before doing something which no other human had done before. He put his head down, pulled up his trousers, and made a desperate dash for the door of Severus Snape's lab.
"HEY!" Startled, Snape made a lunge for Neville and caught the back of his robe. Slipping out of it and out the door, the loss of weight caused Snape to topple headlong into the spoiled Wolfsbane which splattered down the front of the other mans robes and started to burn through.
"My hair! My beautiful hair!" Snape held his head, tears coming to his eyes as the goo started turning his hair a dull brown.
"I always knew you dyed it." Remus gave a smug smile, "Not so handsome now are we?"
"My poor, poor baby," Severus stroked a random lock, (he was rather fond of his hair you see) "Daddy's sorr - ahh...grrrowl" glancing up Remus noticed a scary glitter in the other man's eyes, "Are you calling me handsome, wolf?" Snape took a step forwards.
"I - er - " Remus found the wall behind him, Snape continued to advance upon him like a panther after its prey.
"Because if you are..." he leaned in, close enough for Remus to smell mint on his breath...The narrator would like to take this opportunity to state that there will be no funny business in this fic thank you very much, there are children reading afterall.
Suddenly and out of nowhere, a gigantic explosion knocked both men away from each other with the force of a thousand steeds (horses). Light flashed meaningfully across the room and drums sounded in the distance. I.e. magic was happening, dimwits.
And horror of horrors, when Remus looked down at himself, once the dry ice had cleared, he realised with terror that he had been magically transformed into...a woman! No, he wasn't really because that would be really really awful and this tale is *not* awful. Remus was magically transformed into.dum dum dum.wait for it wait for it...Severus Snape! Bet you didn't see that one coming did you? Well, no one likes a smart arse, readers.
"S-Severus?"
"Yes? What is it you homophobic -" Snape dragged himself from off the floor.
"I am *not* homopho - "
"You're me!"
"Yes, and you're me." Remus stroked his unfamiliarly smooth chin, "It must have been that potion...some of the ingredients must have..."
"Damn but I'm sexy..." Snape gave himself a wink and a suave smile, or so he thought.
"Yes, but look can we get back to the point? What did you put in that potion and how can we reverse -"
"You said it again."
"What? Shut up, would you? We need to figure out how to get back to normal..." he mimed smoking a pipe thoughtfully and began to pace too and fro.
"What for? I could make an army of me!!!" he raised his hands into the air gave a long laugh with much hair flicking, "I'll take over the world!" spinning manically, Snape caught sight of himself in the mirror and let out a high scream which broke several crystal vials on his shelves, "I'm HAIRY!"
"*No*, you've turned into me, or we swapped bodies or something. Do you mind?" Snape was scraping at his face with his nails mumbling about it only being a terrible mistake, "SNAPE! Fuck, man, get a bloody grip will you?"
It was around this time, dear readers, that the former debonair potions master sank to his knees, put his head in his hands, and cried like a baby. How the mighty fell, and it was all thanks to Neville who was still running through the corridors like a mad man with a toad in his hand.
***
A few hours later, Snape sniffed very wetly and got to his feet. Remus put down his newspaper and raised an eyebrow, something he had never been able to do before. "Better?"
"You saw nothing."
"Whatever. Listen, we need to find someone who can sort this mess out for us."
Snape coughed, "Excuse me, but you happen to be sat before the very best potions master in the whole of England," he said, "And if I can't fix it, *nobody* bloody can!"
"I don't like the sound of those odds..."
"Oh, shut up, wolf-boy."
In a matter of minutes, Snape had set up a series of experiments to discover what had gone wrong with his potion as well as making Lupin research possible antidotes. Unfortunately, it was ten o'clock by this time and they only managed a few hours of study before deciding to hit the sack, so to speak, not literally of course as there are no sacks in Hogwarts. It seemed that their dilemma was to run into another day, that day happened to be Christmas Eve Eve and otherwise unimportant. You must read on! To find out what our heroes do next...
***
Having decided it that it was best if they pretended to be each other, the two gentlemen retreated to their respective places of retirement. They both shuddered at the thought of sleeping in the other's bed. Snape shuddered with glee, that was until he discovered Lupin's complete lack of hygiene and three slices of toast wedged between the sheets. He sighed, then raised an eyebrow, then checked himself out in the mirror before taking a shower with himself. Narcissism was such an underrated virtue.
In Snape's bedroom, Remus debated going to sleep fully dressed. He almost did too, the filthy beggar, until an indescribable urge overtook him to find out once and for all what was hidden under those ridiculously huge robes. The answer, funnily enough, turned out to be a ridiculously large...now readers, there's no need to be crude is there? Lupin smiled and wriggled between the sheets, feeling at the same time both smug and nervous; Snape was probably having far too much fun with his body than he cared to think about. Oh well; he slipped his hand between the sheets. To do what, I do not know honest readers.
***
Neville ran out across the Hogwarts grounds, through the Forbidden Forest, and out into the wide world, still with no robes on and a toad in his hand.
***
At breakfast, many of the staff ought to have been mightily confused about the fact that Snape, for the first time in twenty five years, refused his morning cup of cold black coffee with a slight pout and instead made cheery conversation with Hooch over a large bowl of fruit loops while Lupin growled at a very startled Harry who was wondering how Sirius was doing. However, as we all know, Dumbledore has connections in high places and he had full knowledge of the pair's transformations as well as sneak-o-scopes in both their rooms, purely for the purposes of research you understand. He gave both men a warm beam, commenting lightly on how like lavender Remus smelt this morning.
After two lessons as Remus, Snape could no longer take the strain. It was just too much to be expected to not only be turned into an unkempt werewolf but also welcome Harry avec nauseating chums with open arms. It was just one step too far, and besides they were getting their sticky hands all over his new robes and that just was not on.
Leaving his second year Hufflepuffs alone with four Firefrogs was probably not a good idea but he was damned if he wasn't going to go to his office and sulk for a while. Screw the second years, who cared about them anyway? Tossing his hair dramatically he clumped down to the dungeons, a plot forming in his mind to ensnare that cute canine once and for all. (It may be prudent to at this moment point out to the reader that Snape in fact fancies the Quidditch robes off Remus even though he is his arch nemesis. Well, no one ever said true love wasn't complicated.)
***
Remus knocked on the heavy wooded door. It seemed that he had come to a conclusion, and not one that he was very happy about but that is the way of fairy tales, precious reader, that is their way.
"Draco, if I hear one more word about that miserable speck Potter I swear that this time I really will cancel Christ - Why, hello Remus. How can I help you?"
"Er, hullo Sev. May I have a word?"
"So long as it's just the one." He closed the door and crossed his arms.
"Very well: Bubblegum."
"Excuse me?"
"It was going to be, 'Severus, I don't think I can bear to go on living a lie like this. What's happened between us has brought us closer than I can bear. I thought that seeing as its Christmas, the time of miracles, I thought I'd just give in and say how I feel about you.' But you said only one word so that's all you get; bubblegum."
"And?" Snape's nails dug into the palms of his hands in anticipation.
"Sorry, run out of words." Remus smiled scampily and headed for the door.
"Wait one bloody flaming second! Merlin as a transvestite, finish what you were *saying*!"
"I have your permission to speak, Professor?"
"Yes, for fuck's sake, YES!"
"Well, seeing as you're asking and everything, I suppose I could say that you're really not so bad afterall."
"Oh for the love of Slytherin!" You see, avid readers, Snape was not all bad as many have thought, but in fact his hate for Remus derived directly, and coincidentally, from a love for him as strong as the light of a thousand burning suns. It's just that he has a terrible phobia of being rejected and this leads to a volcanic build-up of suppressed emotion which erupts suddenly in the form of something rather like the following, bless his black cotton socks.
Grabbing a clump of dyed hair with one hand and yanking at Remus' shirt with the other, he used his newfound strength to lift the other man from the floor and drop him on his desk.
There was a knock at the door. Snape ignored it as he clamped his lips around Remus'. There was a blinding flash of light and the sound of distant laughter, no doubt from God, the old scallywag.
There was another knock and a muffled whine. Snape ground his teeth together angrily and finding them to be his own mysteriously crooked set rather than Remus' poster-boy tombstone set, he paused for a moment, shrugged and opened the door just as Remus began bemusedly scratching his returned stubble.
"What is it, Draco?"
"Sir, I was just opening a jumper from my Nan and it was green and it reminded me of him and - " he gave a wet sniff, "Oh, are you in a meeting?"
"Of sorts." Snape slammed the door in the boy's face, and to be honest he is a bit annoying isn't he?, before turning back to Remus. He seemed to Severus then, in that ethereal moment, to be surrounded by a heavenly glow, his hair tumbling over his rugged features and just the barest hint of chest peering from his torn shirt. Snape shook his head to try and clear it. The glow turned out to be a candle behind his head.
"You know, at the risk of sounding cliché -"
"You've never concerned yourself with that risk before."
"Oh shut up, you're ruining the moment!"
"Terribly sorry, you were saying?"
Severus cleared his throat importantly, "Remus Lupin, I do believe that you are all the presents any man could want for Christmas."
"God man, where did you get that from, a Christmas cracker? Merlin's nipples, I think I'm going to be sick!"
"Oh shut up and kiss me, wolf." And he did.
***
Next door, the Slytherins finished opening their expensive but boring Christmas presents and began to wonder what they would be having for dinner. Snow fell softly against the window, a robin wandered by and Draco smashed it off the sill with his new catapult. Neville ran into a pole. The air smelt of plum pudding, sugar and spice, and mulled wine being burnt to the bottom of saucepans because it tastes horrible and nobody drinks it even at Christmas.
And thus it was, gentle, dear readers, that harmony was restored to the world of wizarding. Life at Hogwarts returned to normal, the festive season came and passed, and everybody had a very merry time indeed. Especially Sev and Remus...
The End
(thank god!)
Freaky-Corny-Hogwarts-Christmas-Friday (Thursday)
T'was a few days before Christmas and a slightly overweight young lad was sat on a damp bench somewhere in Scotland where it was a cloudy and drizzly Thursday evening. There were no mice. Neville Longbottom was the boy in question.
Now, it was true that Severus Snape blamed this particular child for just about everything (except those crimes too terrible to have been committed by a half-wit and which were therefore committed by a certain Mr. Potter), but this time it really was entirely his fault.
It all started with Neville scrubbing the bottoms of some cauldrons. The cauldrons' bottoms happened to be coated with a thick layer of burnt scarab beetle dung and Neville happened to be scrubbing with his fingernails, but that is neither here nor there because it has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the story. Neville was scrubbing cauldrons in Professor Snape's laboratory, in the dungeons, at Hogwarts, in Scotland, when it all happened. This, you might wrongly imagine, would mean he must be far flung from wherever the terrible event this tale is hinged around took place. But as I said, you imagined wrongly.
At the back of the lab, Severus Snape stood with one amused yet steely eye trained on the stout dimwit at the front and one bitter and also pissed off eye on the potion in front of him. By the way, gentle readers, allowing one's eyes to express two different emotions as well as looking in different directions at the same time is a skill only acquired with a great deal of time and pent-up sexual frustration. Anyway, practise in your own time. Our reluctant Potions Master was stood there, the dim firelight illuminating his aquiline features, tired, bedraggled and oozing sex appeal when suddenly and for no apparent reason other than to move the plot along, a certain toad named Trevor hopped from the confines of a certain set of robes and quite without ceremony (and most certainly without any decorum or regard for hygiene), spat into the potion which our hero was so skilfully a- brewing. The eye which had been formerly guarding said potion happening to be preoccupied contemplating making his third year Hufflepuffs disembowel flobberworms for their double lesson last thing.
Well, as we all are well aware, the saliva of the green toad is a most powerful potions ingredient and its misuse can lead to the most terrible of consequences. Thankfully, for us though, fearful readers, our beloved Professor was not the intended imbiber of this concoction. It was destined for the lips of the rugged, animalistic, and lunarly challenged, Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Remus Lupin; Severus' sworn arch-rival in dramatic hair tossing. Oh yes, they were bitter rivals dear reader. Day and night they fought, Severus holding grudges from their time at as boys together and the wolf in Remus not letting him give in to the stuck-up git, never could they cease their enmity nor settle things over a nice cup of tea and a chocolate hobnob, but Neville and Trevor were about to put an end to all that.
And thus, my humble yuletide yarn begins, one cloudy and drizzly Thursday evening in Scotland.
***
Severus turned his kohl-lined eye back to the potion, not the slightest concern for the fact that it had turned a purpley-orange colour and smelt vaguely of turnips; his nose had caught the scent of a wolf on the stairs and he was wondering why his stomach was doing complex back flips. Probably just showing off, he thought.
"Severus!" Remus flung open the door to the lab spectacularly causing it to bounce back off the wall and knock things over. Remus tossed his manly brown hair over one shoulder, gasping, "I must have my elixir this instant! I fear the change is approaching earlier than expected!"
Snape scowled, he wasn't going to be out-tossed, not this time, "I suspected this might happen," he raised his eyebrows knowingly, "Which is why I brewed this tonic in anticipation of your dilemma. You are fortunate to have such a skilled and intuitive Potions Master willing to generously help you." His voice took on a dramatic booming quality, Neville shrunk slightly into the desk.
"And modest too."
"Oh shut up and take the damn potion of you want it, you overgrown mongrel."
"Why thankyou, Severus, you're always so charming."
"Oh, fuck off."
"Don't tell me to fuck off!"
"Why not? Fuck off!"
"Fuck off yourself!"
"I said it first!"
"Well I said it second!"
"What the fuck is that supposed to fucking mean?!" (I'm terribly sorry about this language, timid readers, please feel free to cover your eyes until you see fit to open them again).
"WILL BOTH OF YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Neville clapped a hand over his mouth; whoops. Judging by the sounds of blood rushing through his ears, Neville guessed that he was turning bright tomato red and there was nothing he could do about it but blush even more. Remus wondered whether the poor boy had burst several capillaries at once.
Snape's mouth formed a deadly shark-like grin that split his face in two (well, not literally of course), "Mis...ter...Long...Bottom..." Remus swallowed, Severus kept no prisoners when his voice sounded as if his batteries were low and Neville knew this as well as any other student. And therefore, honest readers, we see Neville scramble for any courage which may have been left on the floor before doing something which no other human had done before. He put his head down, pulled up his trousers, and made a desperate dash for the door of Severus Snape's lab.
"HEY!" Startled, Snape made a lunge for Neville and caught the back of his robe. Slipping out of it and out the door, the loss of weight caused Snape to topple headlong into the spoiled Wolfsbane which splattered down the front of the other mans robes and started to burn through.
"My hair! My beautiful hair!" Snape held his head, tears coming to his eyes as the goo started turning his hair a dull brown.
"I always knew you dyed it." Remus gave a smug smile, "Not so handsome now are we?"
"My poor, poor baby," Severus stroked a random lock, (he was rather fond of his hair you see) "Daddy's sorr - ahh...grrrowl" glancing up Remus noticed a scary glitter in the other man's eyes, "Are you calling me handsome, wolf?" Snape took a step forwards.
"I - er - " Remus found the wall behind him, Snape continued to advance upon him like a panther after its prey.
"Because if you are..." he leaned in, close enough for Remus to smell mint on his breath...The narrator would like to take this opportunity to state that there will be no funny business in this fic thank you very much, there are children reading afterall.
Suddenly and out of nowhere, a gigantic explosion knocked both men away from each other with the force of a thousand steeds (horses). Light flashed meaningfully across the room and drums sounded in the distance. I.e. magic was happening, dimwits.
And horror of horrors, when Remus looked down at himself, once the dry ice had cleared, he realised with terror that he had been magically transformed into...a woman! No, he wasn't really because that would be really really awful and this tale is *not* awful. Remus was magically transformed into.dum dum dum.wait for it wait for it...Severus Snape! Bet you didn't see that one coming did you? Well, no one likes a smart arse, readers.
"S-Severus?"
"Yes? What is it you homophobic -" Snape dragged himself from off the floor.
"I am *not* homopho - "
"You're me!"
"Yes, and you're me." Remus stroked his unfamiliarly smooth chin, "It must have been that potion...some of the ingredients must have..."
"Damn but I'm sexy..." Snape gave himself a wink and a suave smile, or so he thought.
"Yes, but look can we get back to the point? What did you put in that potion and how can we reverse -"
"You said it again."
"What? Shut up, would you? We need to figure out how to get back to normal..." he mimed smoking a pipe thoughtfully and began to pace too and fro.
"What for? I could make an army of me!!!" he raised his hands into the air gave a long laugh with much hair flicking, "I'll take over the world!" spinning manically, Snape caught sight of himself in the mirror and let out a high scream which broke several crystal vials on his shelves, "I'm HAIRY!"
"*No*, you've turned into me, or we swapped bodies or something. Do you mind?" Snape was scraping at his face with his nails mumbling about it only being a terrible mistake, "SNAPE! Fuck, man, get a bloody grip will you?"
It was around this time, dear readers, that the former debonair potions master sank to his knees, put his head in his hands, and cried like a baby. How the mighty fell, and it was all thanks to Neville who was still running through the corridors like a mad man with a toad in his hand.
***
A few hours later, Snape sniffed very wetly and got to his feet. Remus put down his newspaper and raised an eyebrow, something he had never been able to do before. "Better?"
"You saw nothing."
"Whatever. Listen, we need to find someone who can sort this mess out for us."
Snape coughed, "Excuse me, but you happen to be sat before the very best potions master in the whole of England," he said, "And if I can't fix it, *nobody* bloody can!"
"I don't like the sound of those odds..."
"Oh, shut up, wolf-boy."
In a matter of minutes, Snape had set up a series of experiments to discover what had gone wrong with his potion as well as making Lupin research possible antidotes. Unfortunately, it was ten o'clock by this time and they only managed a few hours of study before deciding to hit the sack, so to speak, not literally of course as there are no sacks in Hogwarts. It seemed that their dilemma was to run into another day, that day happened to be Christmas Eve Eve and otherwise unimportant. You must read on! To find out what our heroes do next...
***
Having decided it that it was best if they pretended to be each other, the two gentlemen retreated to their respective places of retirement. They both shuddered at the thought of sleeping in the other's bed. Snape shuddered with glee, that was until he discovered Lupin's complete lack of hygiene and three slices of toast wedged between the sheets. He sighed, then raised an eyebrow, then checked himself out in the mirror before taking a shower with himself. Narcissism was such an underrated virtue.
In Snape's bedroom, Remus debated going to sleep fully dressed. He almost did too, the filthy beggar, until an indescribable urge overtook him to find out once and for all what was hidden under those ridiculously huge robes. The answer, funnily enough, turned out to be a ridiculously large...now readers, there's no need to be crude is there? Lupin smiled and wriggled between the sheets, feeling at the same time both smug and nervous; Snape was probably having far too much fun with his body than he cared to think about. Oh well; he slipped his hand between the sheets. To do what, I do not know honest readers.
***
Neville ran out across the Hogwarts grounds, through the Forbidden Forest, and out into the wide world, still with no robes on and a toad in his hand.
***
At breakfast, many of the staff ought to have been mightily confused about the fact that Snape, for the first time in twenty five years, refused his morning cup of cold black coffee with a slight pout and instead made cheery conversation with Hooch over a large bowl of fruit loops while Lupin growled at a very startled Harry who was wondering how Sirius was doing. However, as we all know, Dumbledore has connections in high places and he had full knowledge of the pair's transformations as well as sneak-o-scopes in both their rooms, purely for the purposes of research you understand. He gave both men a warm beam, commenting lightly on how like lavender Remus smelt this morning.
After two lessons as Remus, Snape could no longer take the strain. It was just too much to be expected to not only be turned into an unkempt werewolf but also welcome Harry avec nauseating chums with open arms. It was just one step too far, and besides they were getting their sticky hands all over his new robes and that just was not on.
Leaving his second year Hufflepuffs alone with four Firefrogs was probably not a good idea but he was damned if he wasn't going to go to his office and sulk for a while. Screw the second years, who cared about them anyway? Tossing his hair dramatically he clumped down to the dungeons, a plot forming in his mind to ensnare that cute canine once and for all. (It may be prudent to at this moment point out to the reader that Snape in fact fancies the Quidditch robes off Remus even though he is his arch nemesis. Well, no one ever said true love wasn't complicated.)
***
Remus knocked on the heavy wooded door. It seemed that he had come to a conclusion, and not one that he was very happy about but that is the way of fairy tales, precious reader, that is their way.
"Draco, if I hear one more word about that miserable speck Potter I swear that this time I really will cancel Christ - Why, hello Remus. How can I help you?"
"Er, hullo Sev. May I have a word?"
"So long as it's just the one." He closed the door and crossed his arms.
"Very well: Bubblegum."
"Excuse me?"
"It was going to be, 'Severus, I don't think I can bear to go on living a lie like this. What's happened between us has brought us closer than I can bear. I thought that seeing as its Christmas, the time of miracles, I thought I'd just give in and say how I feel about you.' But you said only one word so that's all you get; bubblegum."
"And?" Snape's nails dug into the palms of his hands in anticipation.
"Sorry, run out of words." Remus smiled scampily and headed for the door.
"Wait one bloody flaming second! Merlin as a transvestite, finish what you were *saying*!"
"I have your permission to speak, Professor?"
"Yes, for fuck's sake, YES!"
"Well, seeing as you're asking and everything, I suppose I could say that you're really not so bad afterall."
"Oh for the love of Slytherin!" You see, avid readers, Snape was not all bad as many have thought, but in fact his hate for Remus derived directly, and coincidentally, from a love for him as strong as the light of a thousand burning suns. It's just that he has a terrible phobia of being rejected and this leads to a volcanic build-up of suppressed emotion which erupts suddenly in the form of something rather like the following, bless his black cotton socks.
Grabbing a clump of dyed hair with one hand and yanking at Remus' shirt with the other, he used his newfound strength to lift the other man from the floor and drop him on his desk.
There was a knock at the door. Snape ignored it as he clamped his lips around Remus'. There was a blinding flash of light and the sound of distant laughter, no doubt from God, the old scallywag.
There was another knock and a muffled whine. Snape ground his teeth together angrily and finding them to be his own mysteriously crooked set rather than Remus' poster-boy tombstone set, he paused for a moment, shrugged and opened the door just as Remus began bemusedly scratching his returned stubble.
"What is it, Draco?"
"Sir, I was just opening a jumper from my Nan and it was green and it reminded me of him and - " he gave a wet sniff, "Oh, are you in a meeting?"
"Of sorts." Snape slammed the door in the boy's face, and to be honest he is a bit annoying isn't he?, before turning back to Remus. He seemed to Severus then, in that ethereal moment, to be surrounded by a heavenly glow, his hair tumbling over his rugged features and just the barest hint of chest peering from his torn shirt. Snape shook his head to try and clear it. The glow turned out to be a candle behind his head.
"You know, at the risk of sounding cliché -"
"You've never concerned yourself with that risk before."
"Oh shut up, you're ruining the moment!"
"Terribly sorry, you were saying?"
Severus cleared his throat importantly, "Remus Lupin, I do believe that you are all the presents any man could want for Christmas."
"God man, where did you get that from, a Christmas cracker? Merlin's nipples, I think I'm going to be sick!"
"Oh shut up and kiss me, wolf." And he did.
***
Next door, the Slytherins finished opening their expensive but boring Christmas presents and began to wonder what they would be having for dinner. Snow fell softly against the window, a robin wandered by and Draco smashed it off the sill with his new catapult. Neville ran into a pole. The air smelt of plum pudding, sugar and spice, and mulled wine being burnt to the bottom of saucepans because it tastes horrible and nobody drinks it even at Christmas.
And thus it was, gentle, dear readers, that harmony was restored to the world of wizarding. Life at Hogwarts returned to normal, the festive season came and passed, and everybody had a very merry time indeed. Especially Sev and Remus...
The End
(thank god!)