DBZ – Revealed!
DISCLAIMER: We don't own DBZ.
"Hello…people." Vegeta Goddess laughs. "This fic is by Ripper and I, we're bored, its drama."
"Please don't be insulted if your favourite character is a little…odd." Ripper adds, averting her eyes.
"Must…control…gag…reflex…MPHMPH!" Vegeta tried to resist the wave of nausea that swept over him as an air current lurched him off course. He clenched his fists, and the familiar vein popped out on his forehead.
Many people could be excused for thinking that Vegeta was merely cranky, but it was something rather more embarrassing: Vegeta suffered from chronic motion sickness. It was a deep-seated neurosis from when his father had dropped him at the tender age of three.
Goku eyed Vegeta with concern. He alone knew Vegeta's terrible secret: not because Vegeta had confided in him, of course. It was simply a brilliant piece of guesswork by Goku's massive intellect.
Goku smiled, inwardly composing his acceptance speech for the second Noble Prize he was to receive later that evening. It would look lovely next to his Pulitzer and the honorary degrees from Oxford, Harvard and the North London Polytechnic. Of course, he was too damn smart to risk revealing his enormous IQ to everyone: they might make him get a real job or something.
Yamcha wondered what the hell Goku was smiling at. God, that guy was weird sometimes. He drummed his fingers impatiently on his sides as he flew behind Goku and Vegeta, tapping out a new rhythm he'd been working on. He'd have to show the rest of the band later, if he could manage to sneak in a rehearsal without the other Z fighters noticing. He wondered what would happen if he ever revealed his double life as the drummer for Spinal Tap…
Meanwhile, somewhere in Cuba…
Master Roshi flexed his pecs and sighed. The Speedos were chafing his cute little ass, and he wasn't sure how many more shoots he could handle.
"Just a few more shots, love, and then you can have some more crack," lisped the photographer.
"Oooooh!" whined Master Roshi, stomping his feet. "I want my agent!" It was tough being the hottest male model on the face of the earth, but he did his best. He just hoped they'd found some more underage cheerleaders for the hot tub…
Meanwhile, back at Goku's House…
"Yes, Mom." sighed Chichi, twining the phone cord around her fingers. "No, he hasn't got a real job yet. No, of course not. Yes…all right, well – oh! Hang on…I think I hear Goku; I have to go. Okay. Okay. Yes, Mommy, I love you too. Uh-huh. Look, Mom, I really have to go. Okay, bye." Chichi hung up the phone just as Goku sauntered through the front door and planted a big wet one on her.
"Hey, sweetie. Whom were you talking to?" Goku flashed Chichi a brilliant smile.
"Oh…" Chichi blushed. "…No-one, I was just - are you wearing reading glasses?" Goku snatched them off his face and shoved them into his pocket. "Uh, no, I was just…um, clear sun glasses?"
Chichi looked at him suspiciously.
Meanwhile, in Outer Space…
Frieza slammed the phone into its holder and turned to Zarbon. "Oooooh!" he/she said, and stamped his/her foot. "That girl of mine! I swear, sometimes I don't know why I bother! After all the years I spent telling her to find a man with a career who could look after her, she runs off with the first well-muscled lunk head she comes across!"
"Oh, yes." drawled Zarbon, "Old what's-his-name?"
"Goku!" snapped Frieza. "And when I get my hands on him…"
Meanwhile, back at the Ranch…
Oprah…So, Choutzu, what has life held for you after your triumph? I mean there must be something of a let-down?"
Choutzu: Well, really, after you've won the Mr Universe title for four consecutive years, there's really nowhere else you can go.
Oprah: Mmm.
Meanwhile, Back At Capsule Corp…
Goten sat staring dead ahead, numb with shock. He looked at his tearful mother. "But, but Mom…how could you?"
Chichi shook her head sorrowfully, and Vegeta patted her hand reassuringly. "He has to know, Chichi. It's for the best."
She took a deep breath. "You're right, Vegeta, I can't go on living this lie! Goten…" she said, turning to her son. "…You have to understand, sweetie, that I still love your daddy very much. But Vegeta drugged me, because he's a bastard."
"That's right, son." nodded Vegeta, "I'm a bastard. And, technically, so are you."
"Vegeta!" Chichi slapped him. "If you weren't such a damned man whore we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place!"
Goten stared at his mother and biological father. "But, but…I have dad's hair!" he wailed.
"Yes, we think it may have something to do with genetics." Said Chichi sadly. "But, anyway, we think you should get used to calling Vegeta 'daddy' from now on."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Meanwhile, In Bulma's Secret Lab on an island three miles west of South City…
"Hand me that soldering iron, willya 18?" Bulma held out her hand. "Thanks." She fiddled with he circuits inside the android. "Ooo-kay. That should just about do it." She slammed the tiny hatch shut, and Bra opened her eyes.
"Owww! Mommy!" she wailed. "Why can't you use the blue flame next time? I feel all melted."
17 laughed. "Heh, don't sweat it kid. You get used to it, especially with Bulma at the controls." Bulma biffed him over the head. "Don't talk to your mother like that! I made you, remember?"
"Yes, mom."
"Now, tidy your room."
Meanwhile, Back At Capsule Corp…
Goku stared deep into Scratch's eyes. "C'mon, buddy. I know you have the answer. I know it. All I need is a hint."
"Prrror." said Dr Brief's cat.
"Dammit!" Goku exploded. "Why must you torment me? I know you have the meaning of life, and I will not rest until you give it to me! I don't care if it takes my whole - ooh, dinner time!"
Meanwhile, Somewhere In the Mountains…
Tien glared at his reflection in the mirror. "Hold-All Adhesive my ass!" he muttered. He pushed the half ping-pong ball harder into his forehead, and stepped back to admire the effect. "Nice." he decided.
The little black dot in the middle didn't look quite realistic, but overall it was a pretty good imitation eye. "No-one would ever suspect the truth about my third eye." he chuckled to himself.
Meanwhile, At Kami's Lookout…
"Soooooo, Kami." said Mr Popo. "What is it that we are wishing to have for din-dins? Chinese? Mexican?"
"No, not Mexican. It gives me a rash."
…
"That's it?"
"Yeah."
"That's your terrible secret?"
"Yeah."
Meanwhile, Back At Capsule Corp, In a Secret Chamber…
"Oh, Trunks, give it to me! No one else does it for me. I need you!" Suzie purred in Trunks' ear.
"Oh, yes, Trunks, please, take us! Take us!" squealed her nineteen young, nubile, blonde, voluptuous companions. Trunks smiled to himself and sunk deeper into the velvet cushions. "I dunno, girls." He mused. "I'm kind of tired. What I'd really like is a massage."
"Oh, let me! Let me!" Squealed the twenty girls; all called Suzie. "Would you like a drink? Something to eat? Are your cushions plump enough?"
Trunks sighed with contentment. Yup, having a harem was pretty sweet.
"Would you care for some carrot cake, Trunks?" Came a rough male voice.
"Hmmm? Oh, yeah, Suzie. Just a slice." Said Trunks sleepily.
Suzie the Pro-Wrestler obliged. "Whatever you say, master."
THE END
"Hey, how come he gets a cool secret harem? I want a cool secret harem!" Yamcha glares at the two authors. "Shut up, Yamcha, you get to be the drummer from Spinal Tap." Ripper hurls a rusted bicycle at Yamcha. "Oh, yeah…" Ripper and Vegeta Goddess lounge back in contentment. "Care for some carrot cake Vegeta Goddess?" Ripper extends a plate of juicy, freshly baked carrot cake. "Thanks Ripper, don't mind if I do."