From reading around here and there, I thought it would be a funny idea… If Clark was an enormous idiot. I mean, Smallville would just be so much more entertaining if Clark was a smart-mouthed idiot who had no idea what he was talking about. Everyone's reactions to him would be completely different… it just might cause events to turn out differently… I'm going to re-write each episode… idiot style. Tell me what you think.

Disclaimer: Don't own Smallville. There are a few actual phrases that are used from the transcript for the episode. Credit goes to the writers of Smallville.

Martha: Clark Kent, you're going to be late for the bus!

Clark: (Mutters to himself) We both know that that was the stupidest thing you could possibly say. You know if I miss the bus, I'd just run to school anyway. The things you come up with these days.

Cut to downstairs. Clark is drinking milk from the bottle.

Martha: Where'd you learn your manners?

Clark: You.

Martha stares down dejectedly.

Enter Jonathan Kent.

Clark is sitting at the table staring at a piece of paper.

Jonathan: Hey, what you got there, Son?

Clark: Permission slip. It's for the football team. I thought with my amazing skills of amazingness… that I'd take a shot at trying out. You know… super speed a little bit across the field… super punch a few guys across the field… super throw the ball across the field… super-

Jonathan: Okay. I get the point.

Clark: So that's a yes then.

Jonathan: No… it's more like a no.

Clark: But the way you phrased it made it come off as a yes.

Jonathan: No… the way I phrased it made it come of as… a no.

Clark: No, no… I really think you phrased it in a way where you were saying yes.

Jonathan: Clark, I think I'd know how I phrased my own statement.

Clark: But really Dad, I think you-

Jonathan: Okay. That's enough.

Jonathan grabs Clark's backpack and pushes him towards the door.

Clark: Hey. I'm not done yet!

Jonathan: Yes you are. Get to school.

Clark: All I want to do is get through highschool without being a total loser. I don't want to end up a farmer. I want to be amazingly good looking. I want all of the hot chicks. I want all of the glory. I want all of the fame. Are you listening to me? Are you? You don't look like you're listening. I want to be the one that everybody ta-

Jonathan gives Clark a final shove out the door and shuts it behind him.

Jonathan sighs.

Martha: What are we going to do about that boy?

Jonathan: I told you picking up strange children off the side of the road was a bad idea.

Cut to Clark walking outside of his house. He sees the school bus pull off in the distance.

Cut to Chloe and Pete on the bus. Chloe passes Pete a penny.

Chloe: I can't believe you bet against your best friend. Scratch that. Of course you'd bet on him. He's an idiot.

Pete: (Smugly) Statistical fact: If Clark moved any slower he'd be extinct. And now I'm a penny richer. I'm putting food on the table tonight.

They giggle like little girls.

Cut to Clark standing on the road pretending like he's thinking.

Clark: What's the point in acting like I don't know what I'm going to do. I knew I was going to run to school before the episode even started… you knew I was going to run to school, Mom knew I was going to run to school… everybody knows that I was going to be running to school.

Clark pretends to look like he has an idea.

Clark: All this pretending is just for show. It makes my features look more handsome. And these features need all the practice they can get.

Clark winks and then takes off at super speed.

Cut back to the Kent house. Jonathan is staring out the window.

Jonathan: Who the HELL is he TALKING to?!

Cut to Smallville Highschool.

Pete and Chloe are still giggling with each other like little girls.

Clark walks up holding a stack of books with porn magazines hidden inside of them. Something in which he thinks he is a genius for thinking of… when in all actuality the side of one magazine is sticking out with the title "BUSTY COPS" smack dab in the center.

Clark: Hey, girls.

Chloe: (In confusion) Uh... Didn't Weren't you...

Clark: I took a "super fast" shortcut.

Chloe: (Incredulously) Through what? A black hole?

Clark: If you were listening close enough you would see that I blatantly gave away how I got here.

Chloe: Are you implying tha-

Pete: I'd love to hear Clark talk about himself for another 5 hours, but we have to hand in these permission slips before homeroom.

Clark: Actually, Pete, my Dad (begins to mumble angrily at the thought of his father)

Pete: Um… Clark?

Clark: Right. My Dad, thinks I'd hurt people. So… I guess I'm not trying out.

Chloe bursts out laughing.

Chloe: You? Hurt people? You're a wuss!

Clark: Do you see these muscles? I could knock a guy or three out with these babies.

Clark kisses his arms

Pete: Clark, listen, this is the only way.

Chloe giggles.

Pete grabs Chloe, pulls her to the side.

Pete: (In an intense whisper) We're trying to avoid becoming this year's scarecrow.

Chloe: What are you talking about? (Raising her voice mockingly) And why are we whispering?

Pete: It's a Homecoming tradition. Every year before the big game, the football players select a freshman, take him off to Reilly Field, strip him down to his boxers and then paint an "S" on his chest.

Clark: And then string him up like a scarecrow. Except… I'm not that much against this idea, because if they string me up like a scarecrow, anyone passing by in the field could see how amazingly good looking I am, and then they could stand and admire my rock hard 12-pack that I happen to be harnessing under this farm-boy attire that I happen to wear everyday because my mother deems it fitting that since I grew up on a farm I run around like a little-

Chloe: Relax.

Clark, annoyed that Chloe cut off his rant, looks around. He Sees Lana Lang across the yard.

Clark: I'll see you guys in class.

Clark walks off in Lana's direction

Chloe: Bye.

Pete pulls out some money.

Pete: Give him ten seconds.

Chloe: Five.

Cut to Clark walking towards Lana with his books and his skateboard that he doesn't even know how to ride.

Cut back to Pete and Chloe

Pete: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5-

Cut to Clark falling to the ground, scattering his books full of pornographic magazines everywhere.

Clark: Why the hell do you wear that piece of crap around your neck, that shit makes me pass out you stupid bitch.

Lana: Excuse me?

Clark: I didn't say anything. I was moaning from this dangerous fall that I took from my shockingly amazing height of approximately 6 feet and 3 inches.

Lana is now passing a book to Clark, who is picking himself up off the ground. The book is The Portable Nietzsche. Lana is wearing a green necklace that glows when Clark gets near to it. Lana picks up one of the of the books and passes it to Clark.

Lana: Nietzsche. Didn't realize you had a dark side, Clark.

Clark is hunched over looking sick.

Clark: What? You think I actually know how to read?

Lana: Yeah, I guess so. So what are you? Man or superman?

Clark: That question was stupid. You just want an excuse to talk to me. Come on. Give it up. You know I'm amazingly good looking.

Lana has no time to respond seeing how her boyfriend with the girls name has shown up

Whitney: Lana there you are.

Clark: (speaking to nobody) Seeing how Whitney is enough to make me sick, his presence and the presence of Lana's fugly necklace cancel each other out.

He stands as though nothing was wrong, and proceeds into the school.

Afterschool.

We cut to Clark being a psychotic stalker sitting in the stands watching Lana during cheerleading practice. He is replaying his favorite fantasy where, Lana is the cheerleader, and he is the amazingly good looking football player who Lana just wants to touch over and over and over and-

Pete: Clark! (Pete is wearing a football uniform. The helmet is a little too big on him) How do I look?

Clark groans.

Clark: YOU RUINED IT!

Pete: I ruined the football uniform?

Cut to Lex driving down the road in his blue-gray Porsche. He loses control, and slams into Clark who is staring at the water from the bridge, trying to see his amazingly good looking reflection. They fly off the bridge and into the water.

Cut to Lex floating unconscious in his car.

Cut to Clark floating at the top of the water.

Clark: Now… I could save this guy… who I don't even know… Or I could just swim out and go home. And if I get this hair submerged in this disgusting water, who knows what kind of side affects that would have?

Clark pauses to think.

Clark: If I don't save him, he'd die.

Clark pauses again.

Clark: I really see no benefit in doing this.

Clark dives down into the water and rips the hood off of the Porsche. Clark pulls Lex onto the side of the river.

Clark: Ew. I'm not sucking on his mouth. He's bald.

Clark nervously pokes Lex in the face, and then quickly retracts his hand.

Clark: EW EW EW EW EW EW EW.

Clark pauses at Lex's side, thinking of what he should do.

Clark: I KNOW!

Clark super slams his fist into Lex's chest. Lex wakes up coughing and sputtering.

Lex: I could've sworn I hit you.

Clark: Maybe you're crazy.

Lex: Maybe.

Cut to the next day. A shiny Hicksville truck is parked outside the farm.

Clark: We can't afford this. Why is it here?

Martha: It's a gift from Lex Luthor.

Clark: HOT DAMN. Where are the keys? Now I can be amazingly good looking, while driving inside of an amazingly good looking car.

Martha: Your father has them.

Clark: Why the hell would you give him the keys? He's going to go off and tell me how it is morally incorrect to accept such a present from Lex Luthor, but you know what… it's not like he's going to buy me a truck, I might as well take this truck since it's free. I might as well just keep it so that we have more than one car lying around the house. I mean why does Dad have to be such an idiot. We can all see that he's going to end up ruining my life anyway. Theres nothing wr-

Martha: Relax.

Jonathan: I know how much you want it, Son. But you can't keep it.

He walks past Clark, shaking his head.

Clark: (Argumentatively) Why not? I saved the guy's life.

Jonathan: So you think that you deserve a prize?

Clark: Um. Yes.

Jonathan: That's not how it works.

Clark huffs angrily and stomps off to his loft.

Cut to Clark sitting in the loft next to the telescope. Jonathan comes up. He pulls something wrapped in cloth out of his jacket pocket. He picks something up from off a table. It looks like a little clock.

Jonathan: It's time, son.

Clark: Dad, I don't need the sex talk. I think I'm good. Now if that thing you've got there is some kinky sex toy, I'd be all but happy to hear about how it works.

Jonathan: Um. No. I'm talking about your real parents.

He passes the object to Clark.

Clark: Well what is it if it's not a kinky sex toy? Is that kinky sex language written on there?

Jonathan: I tried to decipher it for years but it's not written in any language known to man.

Clark looks at him suspiciously.

Clark: What do you mean?

Jonathan: Your real parents weren't exactly from around...here.

Clark: Well no shit. How else would I end up being so messed up?

Jonathan sighs.

Jonathan: I'm trying to tell you that you're from a different planet.

Clark sniffs aristocratically.

Clark: Yeah? I don't see no spaceship anywheres.

Jonathan: It's in the storm cellar.

We cut to Clark in the graveyard with Lana. She is telling him her sob story while he is pretending to listen.

Clark: Yeah Lana. That's really sad.

Lana smiles, happy that someone is actually listening to her complain for a change.

Cut to Clark walking Lana home. He is still pretending to listen to her.

Lana: Thanks for walking me home.

Clark stares at her with a blank expression on his face.

Uh oh. I think I should respond.

Clark: Yeah.

He shuts his eyes hoping that his answer will suffice.

Lana quickly kisses him on the cheek.

Lana: Maybe I'll save you a dance at the dance.

Clark: Yeah. A sexy dance.

Lana: Excuse me?

Clark: Yeah. A mansy pance.

Lana: Oookayy.. Later Clark.

She walks towards her house, turns back once and smiles.

Clark turns around as well a broad smile on his face as he thinks of the sexy mansy pancey dance that Lana is saving for him at the dance.

Cut to Whitney giving Clark a dirty look… since he's one of those psychos that's insecure about his relationship with his girlfriend and feels it necessary to spy on her at all possible hours of the day.

Cut to the Luthor Mansion.

Lex: So how's the new ride Clark?

Clark: Yeah. I'm being forced to give it back to you.

Lex: That sucks.

Clark: Pretty much.

Cut to Smallville Highschool.

Chloe is babbling on and on about meteors, and Clark is pretending to listen.

Pete: I think you should show him.

Clark's attention perks up. He thinks something kinky is going to happen.

Chloe: It started out as a scrapbook and just kind of mutated.

Clark: What is it?

Chloe: I call it the Wall of Weird.

Clark: Why? Because it's a wall? And you're weird? So you made a wall that's weird? That's pretty dumb Chloe. Where do you get off with all of these stupid ideas. I mean sometimes I think you're smart… but then sometimes I just think you're a complete fool. I mean look at all of this weird shit you do. I mean you totally have the hots for me I'm not gonna lie, but who sits and makes a wall of newspaper clippings in their spare time. What kind of pers-

Pete: Relax.

Chloe: It's every strange, bizarre and unexplained event that's happened in Smallville since the meteor shower.

Clark stares at the titles of the articles.

"area man gains finger on left hand - loses one on right."

Chloe: That's when it all began - when the town went schitzo.

"River dredging reveals bizarre, glow in the dark Geodes."

Chloe: So, what do you think?

Clark: Yeah. I got nothing. This is lame.

Clark walks out.

Cut to front of school. Due to Whitney's insecurities as Lana's boyfriend, him and his ragtag crew decide to grant Clark's wish of making him scarecrow.

Whitney: Congratulations, Clark. You're this year's scarecrow.

Clark: ALRIGHT!

Clark sticks his arms out willingly

Clark: TIE ME UP BITCHES!

Whitney stares at him dejectedly

Whitney: What? You're not… you're not going to fight or anything?

Clark: Hell no. Now come on! I'm excited!

Clark jumps into the back of the truck. Giddy like a little schoolboy.

Cut to nighttime. Clark is roped up to a cross in a cornfield. A great big S is painted on his chest. He is smiling uncontrollably and singing songs to himself. He has nothing on but a pair of blue boxers. Plaid. Whaddya know.

Clark: Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pira-

Lex: Clark… what are you doing?

Clark: (cheerfully) I'm a scarecrow! CAW! CAW!

Lex: Let me get you down from there.

Clark: NO! DON'T DO IT.

Lex comes closer

Clark: STOP! NOOO! DON'T! Wait. What day is today? Lana promised me a sexy mansy pancey dance. DO IT! GET ME DOWN!

Lex proceeds to un-tie Clark. Clark super speeds off to the dance. He spies on Lana and Whitney from the shadows. Lana and Whitney kiss.

Clark: What a lying WHORE. She promised me a sexy mansy pancey dance!

End of Pilot.