A/N So, yeah, I have some ssssssssplaining to do… I only recently got into contact with this lovely show, and have not had a chance (and the nerve) to see season 4 yet. I am spoiled, of course, but decided to go with my version of the events, rather than the shows, for the second half of my story… I hope it stays understandable, but if not, feel free to ask/suggest/comment/shout. I draw the line at throwing the computer out of the window, I mean, ey, you need that for reading fanfic, you know! ;)
Would love to find out what you think!
Title: I hate you OR Human Emotion
Prompt: `I hate you`
Author: Bepatientimadoc AKA justlovebt
Fandom: The Good Wife
Pairing: Alicia/Kalinda
Word Count: ~1400
Disclaimer: I don`t own any of the characters of the CBS show `The Good Wife`. Just borrowing…
I hate you OR Human emotions
Emotions.
plural of e·mo·tion (Noun)
A natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others.
Any of the particular feelings that characterize such a state of mind, such as joy, anger, fear, sadness etc.
The human mind likes to put things in boxes. From trying to pinpoint an exact date and time for a change of season, drawing imaginary borders around pieces of land -calling them a country-, classifying animals -from reptiles to mammals-, to trying to categorize things that are even harder to grasp such as personality, sexuality and the amazing range of human emotion.
From those who have tried to disentangle the latter, some agree that all those feelings can be brought back to 4 basic emotions; Joy, sadness, anger and fear.
Words, in any language, can be spoken out of any of these 4 cornerstones of human emotion. But does that change their meaning? And what if the sentence itself speaks of an emotion?
`I hate you`
Joy:
She had lured me into the bar, assuring me it was a firm tradition. Suspicious but curious I had followed, realizing she had not had to push very hard to persuade me. It felt good to be a part of something again. A team… I wondered if I meant the firm, Will, or her.
I felt the laughter deep in my abdomen, a bubbling sensation I had not experienced in the longest of time. The woman who sat beside me smiled, her eyes twinkling in an amused way as she lifted her glass, saluting me.
'I did make it up, by the way'
She smirked, before downing the shot of tequila. I was momentarily taken aback, not only by the words, but by the sheer joy that spread through me, just from sitting here, in the middle of the day, in the company of this investigator I barely knew. My phone made a sound, the message telling me the jury was in.
I laughed, the alcohol –or was it the company?- causing enough of a buzz to drown the nervous anticipation I had felt before.
I nudged her with my elbow as we gathered our things.
`I hate you.`
The jest made the corner of the dark eyes wrinkle into the most genuine smile she had given me yet, and I felt my heart skip a beat when her mouth curled up.
`I know.`
Sadness:
There was a heaviness in my chest, as if I had been underwater for too long. But it would take ages before I would be able to come up for air.
I had just, weeks before, started to accept it, the feelings I had for her. At times I`d thought it even a rite of passage. Did not everyone in the office, at some point, fall for Kalinda Sharma?
But then… The name… The person who I did, and at the same time didn't, know. And everything I knew had fallen apart. The heaviness was there, unmoving, like a stone, without respite. I whispered the words in idle hope for some release.
`I hate you`
The emptiness in her eyes brought a surge of heat, a flame, before the heaviness returned, but the trembling of her hands, while she gathered her things, betrayed her. Her voice sounded defeated and seemed to linger in my office long after she was gone.
`I know.`
Anger:
I had not meant to ask, but the question kept me awake at night, every night, tossing and turning. I know I must have sounded like a mother, asking where she had been, what she was planning to do, but the words had slipped and I could not take them back anymore.
I looked into the eyes I had once thought I`d known. They looked back, emotionless, as if everything that had ever been there was dead. As if this person standing before me was not Kalinda, but Leela. As if she was burned in a fire and there was nothing left but the shell of her body.
'I know a lot about you, you know…'
It took me a while to realize what she meant, that she, indeed, was threatening me. The fierceness of the rage, that cut through me like a knife, made me spit out the words.
`I hate you.`
For a moment I thought I saw a glimmer of Kalinda in her eyes, a glance of the turmoil I had seen before. But when I blinked it was gone, and all that was left was her flat voice, while she walked away, showing me how little my words mattered to her.
`I know.`
Fear:
The sound of the machines around her was deafening and yet seemed so far away. They had untied her hair, the black locks surrounded her pale face, making her look younger. I didn`t notice I had held my breath until the lack of air made me dizzy. I sat, the constricting feeling in my chest sharp and unbidden. I could not think about what had happened, what could have happened. And I also couldn`t NOT.
I remembered her eyes, the awkward interaction we had had the day before when she had come to say goodbye. She had KNOWN, then, that he would hurt her, and she had gone anyway. The fear that had grabbed a hold of my heart, of my body, the moment the hospital had called, made me physically ill.
I had known it all along, but had not allowed myself to admit. But now there was nowhere to hide; I did not want to exist in a world where she did not.
Her eyelids fluttered, I hadn`t noticed I'd been staring until I saw that, the motion, like butterfly wings, making my heart jump up. As she, with enormous effort so it seemed, finally managed to open her eyes, they were so filled with alarm, for a moment I forgot anything else. I rose, slightly, and took the hand she had raised in panic, but the moment she laid eyes on me she calmed. Her lips seemed dry as she parted them, and the crooked smile that was her signature appeared.
' Couldn`t stay away, now, could you?`
Her voice was hoarse, broken but her eyes never left mine. They didn't have the twinkle in them that should accompany the playful words. She looked… Apprehensive… and suddenly I realized she was scared. Maybe just as scared as I was. The slight squeeze in my hand brought up the tears. I tried to swallow, to hide them, to push them back, but found I couldn`t. I laid my forehead against her side, the slow movement of her breathing all the comfort that I needed. All the comfort I would ever need.
' I hate you.'
I muttered, the intense tenderness in the words surprising even myself. I felt her swallow, her hand lingering over my head. As she lowered it and touched my hair, slowly entwining her fingers in it and pulling me closer, she whispered it. The words, I had anticipated, the loving, soothing tone, I had not.
' I know…'
The end.