House of the Akatsuki
Konan sighed as she completed her 10th origami bird of the day. It was just another day at the Akatsuki base located God knows where. Surveying the room she saw nothing out of the ordinary. Hidan was cutting his wrists, Kakuzu was trying to balance his check book, Itachi was watching Kisame play a video game, Deidara was perfecting his 'art', Tobi was eating a sandwich through his eyehole and Zetsu was playing chess…with himself.
"Knight to E5…checkmate" "No that's bullshit! You cheated!" "I'm supposed to be the good side. If anyone cheated it was you" "Well yeah of course I cheated and I still fucking lost. But If I'm a part of you then you cheated too so you lose!" The good side of Zetsu just sat there in silence before sighing, "Your logic astounds me" he muttered.
Konan shook off how disturbing that was and decided to take her leave from the room. Heading down the long hall of rooms she suddenly heard a large banging sound coming from the basement followed by a bunch of curses.
Walking over to the slightly cracked door she gently eased it open and walked down the stairs. When she finally made it down she discovered it was none other then the leader Pein who was at this time installing some kind of device into the wall.
Konan silently walked over to her leader and quietly glanced over his shoulder to see it was some kind of keypad with some writing on it, "Smart Security System 3000?" she asked receiving a scream from Pein who had no idea he was there.
Konan sighed as Pein finally realized who it was, "Oh…Konan. Hey I was just installing are new security system." Konan raised an eyebrow, "Security system? We are an organization of S-class missing Nin. Why in the hell would we need a security system?" Pein just stared at her silently, "You don't remember…how could you forget that horrible day when those Jehovah Witness's stormed the compound hell bent on converting us to their religion." Konan gasped in realization as the events of that fateful day came back.
Flashback:
Chaos had erupted in the main hall of the Akatsuki base. Deidara, Itachi, and Kisame could be seen screaming as they took off down the hall, three Jehovah Witness dressed in dress shirts and ties running after them with pamphlets. "CONVERT! CONVERT! CONVERT!"
Back in the hall two of them were dragging Zetsu away, "Oh Jesus!" "No don't pray to Jesus! That will only piss them off!" Zetsu screamed as he dragged out of the compound to the Jehovah Witness's van.
In Kakuzu and Hidan's room Kakuzu was pushing against the door as the Jehovah tried to break it in on the other end. Hidan was rocking back and forth in the corner clutching his pendant to his chest, "I only serve Jashin, I only serve Jashin, I only serve Jashin" he whimpered over and over again as his partner vainly attempted to keep them out.
Pein and Konan were currently tied up with a couple Jehovah surrounding them, "Well well. I hear that you guys like to go by the names of God, and God's angel. That's blasphemy where we come from." Konan could see them raise their bibles over their heads as they readied the lynching, "No!!!" They screamed as the wraith of Jehovah was brought down on them.
While all of this chaos was going on the only member who wasn't being violently harassed was young Tobi who was sitting down on the couch with one of the Jehovah witness's nodding intently as the Jehovah told Tobi all about their great religion.
Konan abruptly snapped out of her flashback as Pein gave a triumphant laugh, "There! Let's see those God damn cultists get to us now!" After her flashback Konan could not agree more as they left the basement to back to the main hall.
No one really changed their position besides Zetsu who was outside attending to his garden. However when Pein cleared his throat everyone stopped what they were doing to look up at the leader, "Ok everyone I have some good news. Because of past problems I have now decided to install a new security system."
Looks of relief swept over the Akatsuki who were all still scarred from their run ins with the Jehovah. "Well how much security are we talking about?" asked Hidan and Pein laughed in response and pointed out towards the window.
Everyone looked out to see Zetsu who had just got done his gardening heading back towards the door. Everyone stared intently as Zetsu's hand (I know he doesn't have them) reached out and touched the doorknob, only to have himself violently shocked.
"Ahh/Ahh!!" they screamed in unison before ripping their hand away, "What the fuck was that?!" "Ow! I have no idea!" They both stared at the knob for a moment before slowly reaching their finger to the tip of it.
After receiving the same painful shock Zetsu clutched his hand in pain, "Motherfucker that hurt!" Dark Zetsu was surprised to see his light side curse in such a manner.
Everyone inside gave awes at how good their security system was working until Zetsu starting banging on the door, "Hey! Open the fucking door!" "Please" muttered Zetsu's white side.
Suddenly to the surprise of everyone including Pein a small flamethrower came out of the keyhole of the doorknob, "Threat detected" it said in a robotic tone caused by Zetsu's knocking. Zetsu looked down at the small weapon; "Oh" "Shit" muttered Zetsu before a large stream of fire shot out dosing Zetsu as he screamed.
Back inside Hidan was laughing his ass off while Konan looked over at Pein, "Pein! We wanted a security system, not a system that murders members!" "I-I uh…it never had anything like this in the manuscript" he yelled as he held up the little manuscript that came with the package.
Hidan got done laughing and started walking away, "As hilarious as this is I gotta take a shit. Be back in a few." Hidan shut the bathroom door and all was quiet for a minute before a buzzing sound was heard followed by Hidan screaming.
Suddenly the door opened and Hidan walked out…his head in his hands, "Any reason why the fucking toilet sprouted a saw and cut my fucking head off?" Pein quickly looked over the manuscript, "Uh…um…It must have thought you were a threat since the toilet pipes go to the outside world"
Everyone stared shocked at Pein, "Are you shitting me?!" yelled Kakuzu, "It also attacks people trying to leave the building?" Deidara muttered with venom in his voice.
Kisame started to breathe loudly, obviously hyperventilating, "I-I gotta get outta here!" Looking over he noticed that the security system for some reason opened a window. Dashing to it he ran head first which was a bad idea for the security system closed it at the last minute causing Kisame to have fragments of glass in his head, "Oh God!"
Without warning an evil robotic chuckle seemed to come from nowhere. Slowly a painting on the wall rose to reveal a large red robotic eye. Everyone stared at it before Tobi tried communicating with it, "Um…can we help you?" "Hmhm, puny mortals. I am the great SSS 3000 and you are now prisoners of my domain!"
Kakuzu stared in shock before trudging over to Pein and ripping the manuscript from his hands, "Give me this God damn it…lets see…Thank you for buying the SSS 3000…best security around blah blah blah…warning: only to be used in prisons…Leader you fucking idiot! This security system is for prisons! It thinks we are prisoners!"
All of the Akatsuki members…and Hidan's head glared at Pein who chuckled in response, "Guys guys relax. I have the perfect plan to solve everything…RUN LIKE HELL TO THE BASEMENT!" he screamed and everyone took of screaming beside Itachi who was his normal emotionless self.
As they made their way down the hall robotic hands came from the ceiling and started to pursue the 'prisoners'. Kakuzu was the first to fall victim to the metal claws as he was quickly pulled away with a yell. Next came Itachi who really didn't express any emotion or struggle as he was pulled up into the ceiling. Then came Deidara who had gotten yanked by his ponytail, "OOOOOOOWWWWW…un." The only ones left were Pein, Konan, Tobi, Hidan, and Kisame. Suddenly Hidan felt his body also being yanked which caused him to drop his head.
Hidan watched from the floor as his body was dragged away by the claws before being picked up by Tobi, "Thanks orange bitch." They were almost there as Pein threw open the door and dove head first, followed by Hidan who also dove in head first…not that he had much of a choice. Tobi was next followed by Kisame.
However just as Konan stepped foot on the first step of the basement she felt the cold metal clamp around her foot causing her to fall. Pein looked back up the stairs to see Konan being dragged away. With a gasp he dove and grasped onto Konan's wrist, "Konan!" "Pein!" However his grip was no match for the evil machine and she was quickly dragged away, "No!" he screamed before Kisame slammed the door shut to keep them from suffering the same fate.
PART 2
The light in the basement flickered ever so softly as 3 and a half people sat down there. Pein had his face in his hands as he couldn't come to grips that he allowed half his team and the woman he loved become prisoners of the machine. Kisame was leaning against the wall, every couple of seconds glancing at the door just in case the metal claws were able to reach that far. Hidan was grunting and groaning as he felt everything his body was going through, and even though he loved pain this wasn't a pleasant experience, "You guys I think the machine is switching my clothes." Pein and Kisame stared at Hidan however Tobi was looking at something else.
"Hey leader-sama. Is this the main control for the security system?" Suddenly Pein's eyes lit up. How could he forget that the main controls were down here. Jumping up he ran over to the keypad, "Perfect! I'll just enter the keypad and-" That's when Pein touched the keypad and received the same experience as Zetsu, "OW!"
The same robotic chuckle from earlier was back before the keypad flipped over to reveal another robotic eye, "Did you really think I would be that stupid to allow prisoners to touch my controls" "You son of a bitch we are not prisoners! I own you!" "No my friend…I own you. You can't hide down here forever. Besides locked away down here you aren't much better then your friends at this point."
They all glared at the eye before huddling in a group, "You guys what are we going to do?" asked Kisame. "I don't have a fucking clue" muttered Hidan, "I'm scared Leader-sama" whimpered Tobi.
The fact was that Pein was scared too. He was scared for his team. He was scared for himself. And he was scared for Konan. He hated that big red eye just gleaming at him. It reminded him of that damn Sharingan…"Sharingan! That's it!" Everyone looked over to him, "What is 'it'?" Asked Hidan, "If we can free Itachi he can use his Sharingan to draw the machine into an illusion and make it destroy itself!" Kisame just looked at him dully, "Can that thing even be affected by the sharingan?" "Look it's worth a try! Unless anyone else here can use the sharingan…" Tobi was really compelled to raise his hand but if he wanted to keep up his secret he might as well let Itachi use his. Pein smiled, "Well it's settled then. We are now going to commence operation: Itachi Freedom!"
They first needed a way to get out. After discovering some heat vents that led upwards the group needed to find a way to distract the robot. That's when Tobi got an idea, "Ooo I gots an idea!" he yelled happily, "Well what the fuck is it?" yelled Hidan who was getting really irritated by this idiot. "What if Hidan-sama stays here to keep the robot distracted?"
Everyone was surprised that Tobi had such a good idea and Hidan soon found himself being placed on a table right in front of the security system's red robotic eye. Hidan was not only going to distract him but also obstruct his view so he wouldn't see that the others were going.
Hidan just stared at the eye, "So dickhead. How the fuck are ya!" The eye seemed a little taken back by Hidan's foul mouth, "I beg your pardon?" "No you don't beg my pardon, your gonna beg me not to shove my foot up your mechanical ass!" "Well how juvenile" muttered the robot and that is when a verbal fight erupted between the two.
Unbeknownst to the machine, right now Kisame, Tobi, and Pein were crawling up the air vent and were now right above the hallway. Looking down through one of the vents they realized they were overtop of Deidara and Tobi's room.
Looking down they saw that most of the stuff, including the carpet was missing from the room. All that was left was a cold stone floor, a bed, and what looked to be a tray with some food on it. However sitting on the bed picking at the food was Deidara.
He wore a standard prisoner's uniform with black and white stripes and a cap. He was muttering angrily while eating the small morsels before Tobi became excited, "Psst Deidara-sempai" he whispered causing Deidara to look up and smile, "Guys! You're ok and not caught yet. Did you stop the machine?"
Tobi smiled under his mask, "No not yet. But don't worry Sempai I'm gonna bust you out!" Tobi exclaimed before reaching for the bars on the air vent, "No, no Tobi that's not such a good Ide-" Deidara's warning was cut short when Tobi was violently shocked causing his mask to glow a bright orange like the sun.
"Yeah, un. They electrified everything. They replaced our doors with electrified prison bars. Tobi sat back and groaned, his body still giving off sparks. "Just sit tight Deidara, we'll be back to bust you out" whispered Kisame before they continued their way down the vents.
After another minute they passed over Kakuzu and Hidan's room. Looking down they saw Kakuzu playing with Zetsu's chess board. However unlike Zetsu he wasn't playing with himself but with Hidan's body. They didn't make a sound as they watched him play against the decapitated body…and lose. Kakuzu threw his hands up in the air before throwing the chess board across the room. The trio in the vent just looked at each other before continuing down the hall.
Back in the basement the argument was becoming explosive, "No your mom sucks dick!" countered Hidan, his face becoming red even with the absence of blood, "Hmn. Your petty insults can never seek to damage my ego whereas my thought out retorts really get to the root of your infantile actions" "…um…oh yeah. Well your mom is a skank!" "Hmn I don't even have a mother as I am a machine and was manufactured. You fail." "Oh yeah? Well your manufacturer is a skank" "…HOW DARE YOU!" the machine's voice roared.
Hidan must have struck a nerve because he really seemed to piss the machine off. He was so surprised at the machines anger that his head lost its balance and he fell off the table, "Ow, damn it!" The machine gasped in surprise when he realized that no one else was in the room. He then noticed the open air vent and began to chuckle evilly.
The trio was almost to the end of the vent when the all too familiar chuckle echoed throughout the enclosed space, "So you thought you could outsmart me? Well when people test my intelligence it makes me mad. I guess you could say it really…heats me up hahaha!"
Suddenly the vents started to heat up to oven like temperatures, "Shit!" exclaimed Kisame as his hands and knees were being burned along with the other two. "Ow ow ow!" they all yelled in unison as they crawled faster and faster down the increasingly hot vents.
The sound of metal giving out from too much weight was heard and the trio abruptly fell from the vent as it busted, and landed right in the broom closet. From their position Kisame had a mop on his head, Pein was laying face first in a hamper of dirty laundry, and Tobi had a bucket on his head, "Help I'm blind!" Pein just sighed.
After they all got out of their awkward positions Kisame slowly opened the door and looked around. It seemed that since the eye couldn't see everything at once it had motion sensor lasers set up.
Slowly all of them crept out and tiptoed down the hallway while avoiding the motion sensors. Suddenly Pein's heart skipped a beat as he heard a heavenly voice, "Pein!" Pein looked over to the right to see Konan, clad in the same prisoner attire however instead of striped pants she was given a striped skirt. Pein couldn't resist himself and ran over to her cell, not even looking to see if he would run into any sensors. Kisame and Tobi looked at him, and then each other, "We don't have time for this. Looks like it's up to us Tobi." Tobi just nodded and the two headed off to Itachi's room.
Pein ran up as close as he could without touching the bars and being shocked. Konan just smiled, "I'm glad you're safe Pein." "You too Konan. Don't you worry though I'm gonna get you out" "I know you will" she smiled and stuck her delicate hand through the bars making sure not to touch the sides (Kind of like the Operation board game).
She held out her hand for Pein to take and the second he did she realized her hand felt like metal. He quickly tried to pull away but her hand clamped down quickly. Pein looked in horror as Konan's eyeballs were sucked into her head and two robotic eyes were replaced by them, "Holy shit! What have you done with Konan?!"
"Silence prisoner" the robot yelled as the bars rose and the Konan robot walked out and with great strength picked up Pein by his arm and held him high in the air. Pein wondered what kind of jutsu he could use to get out of this before the robot's eyes began to glow even redder as it readied a laser beam attack.
"Oh shit!" Pein yelled before a green blur clamped down on the robot's head, tearing it off and causing the robot to let go of Pein. Pein looked over to see Zetsu finish eating the robot's head, burn marks still on his flytrap from earlier. "Zetsu how did you get in here?" "We can merge with anything. It was easy." "Wow Zetsu! You stopped the Konan robot!" "…Um yeah sure that's what I defiantly meant to do" "She was a robot?"
Back with Kisame and Tobi they had just managed to bust down Itachi's cell door with the help of Kisame's sword and the trio finally made their way down to the basement. Upon reentering the basement they noticed Hidan's head lying on the ground shouting a bunch of obscenities before Tobi picked him up once again.
"Ok Itachi just use your Genjutsu to fuck with this robot's brain" shouted Kisame. "You making a big mistake my friends" the robot warned. However they all ignored him as Itachi's sharingan glowed red as he looked right at the robot's eye. However just before he activated his Genjutsu the robot eye rotated around leaving a mirror in its place.
So when Itachi used his Genjustu he got a face full of it himself. Stepping back with wide eyes Itachi was caught in his own illusion of his worst fear, "Oh God! Their all over me! All those fangirls, get away I'm not your bishie! No, don't pair me with your own character in a fanfiction! NO NOT YAOI AAAAAAAH!" screamed Itachi before he passed out.
Kisame and Tobi just stared at Itachi's unconscious form, "Well…fuck" muttered Kisame before the door bust open and Pein and Zetsu ran in, "So what happened? Did Itachi stop the machine?" "Um…not exactly" said Tobi before pointing down towards Itachi who was whining about the fangirls.
As Kisame, and Pein tended to Itachi, Zetsu motioned for Tobi to follow him up the stairs. As the two ran down the hallway Zestu looked over to him, "Alright twerp. Since I'm the only one in the organization that knows you're an Uchiha I'm gonna help you take down the machine." "On my way in I saw that there is another robot eye in the main hall behind the painting, that's your chance" as he said that robots that took the form of the Akatsuki members appeared at the other end of the hall, "Now go!" Yelled Zetsu as he faced the robot onslaught himself.
Tobi finally made his way to the main hall and slowly approached the robot eye who gave a chuckle, "You fool. You really think you can stop me? All of your friends couldn't and you are the weakest of the bunch. You don't get it do you. I'm on to your organization's goals. You have eight of the tailed beasts and now I'm going to use those beasts to start a new robot uprising!"
Just then dozens of robots appeared from all sides and surrounded Tobi, "Muahahahaha! Welcome to my world!" yelled the robot and Tobi just stared right into it's eye while his own glowed with the sharingan, "No…welcome to my world" he muttered before using the Genjutsu and trapping him in an illusion, "What no! What's happening?!" the machine yelled as he felt his control of the robots slipping.
Tobi slowly lifted up his mask and smiled. Then from his pocket he produced a quarter and flicked it into a jukebox conveniently placed in the corner of the room. Suddenly Michael Jackson's 'Smooth Criminal' started to play as Tobi gained full control of the robots from his Genjustsu.
As He Came Into The
Window
It Was The Sound Of A Crescendo
He Came Into Her
Apartment
He Left The Bloodstains On The Carpet
She Ran
Underneath The Table
He Could See She Was Unable
So She Ran
Into The Bedroom
She Was Struck Down, It Was Her Doom
Tobi sung the song perfectly as him and the robots began a choreographed dance. The security system that was still affected by the Genjutsu had no choice but to allow his robot army to dance to this crazy song, "No! Nooooo!" it yelled.
Annie Are You OK?
So, Annie Are You
OK
Are You OK, Annie
Annie Are You OK?
So, Annie Are You
OK
Are You OK, Annie
Annie Are You OK?
So, Annie Are You
OK?
Are You OK, Annie?
Annie Are You OK?
So, Annie Are
You Ok, Are You Ok, Annie?
Tobi spun, kicked his legs, and even did the moonwalk along with his robot partners. It was the most random scene anybody could ever predict. The security machine couldn't handle it as the song went on and as it reached its climax the system started to spark, "No…NO!" it gave a death yell as the system exploded on itself along with the robots while Tobi kept on dancing and singing.
Aaow!
(Annie Are
You OK?)
I Don't Know!
(Will You Tell Us, That You're OK?)
I
Don't Know!
(There's A Sign In The Window)
I Don't Know!
(That He Struck You - A Crescendo Annie)
I Don't Know!
(He
Came Into Your Apartment)
I Don't Know!
(Left Bloodstains On
The Carpet)
I Don't Know Why Baby!
(Then You Ran Into The
Bedroom)
I Don't Know!
(You Were Struck Down)
(It Was
Your Doom - Annie!)
(Annie Are You OK?)
Dad Gone It - Baby!
(Will You Tell Us, That You're OK?)
Dad Gone It - Baby!
(There's A Sign In The Window)
Dad Gone It - Baby!
(That
He Struck You - A Crescendo Annie)
Hoo! Hoo!
(He Came Into
Your Apartment)
Dad Gone It!
(Left Bloodstains On The Carpet)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
(Then You Ran Into The Bedroom)
Dad Gone
It!
(You Were Struck Down)
(It Was Your Doom-Annie!)
Aaow!!!
Tobi gave a final bow to no one unparticular as all the doors unlocked and the nightmare was finally over.
After everything was said and done everybody was finally relaxing in the main hall, the incident of evil security systems, imprisonment, and Michael Jackson behind them. They never found why the security system suddenly failed but Tobi and Zetsu decided to keep it to themselves. Pein took a slip of hot cocoa before looking at everyone, "You guys I'm sorry for what happened." "That's ok we forgive you" smiled Konan before Hidan chimed in, "No go fuck yourself. I had my fucking head chopped off with a saw that came out of a fucking toilet and was forced to have an argument with a robot. You can kiss my ass…as soon as Kakuzu gets done reattaching it" yelled Hidan as Kakuzu put the finishing touches on stitching his head up.
Everyone else sighed from Hidan's idiotic rant before Pein gave a chuckle, "You know it's funny. Looking back I don't know why I tried to get a security system in the first place."
Just then a loud banging was heard coming from the front door as many deranged voices yelled out, "CONVERT CONVERT CONVERT!" "AAAAAAAAHH!" The entire Akatsuki screamed in unison…yes even Itachi.
Author's notes: Holy crap that was long! Well I hope you guys enjoyed it and plz read and review if you have the time. Stay tuned for my next installment when Hidan and Kakuzu realize through cutting Zetzu's hair that he may have an aunt named "Mary Jane".