This has to be the saddest thing I have ever written. Honestly, I almost cried at the end, and I wrote it knowing how it would end, but it just had to be written. Closure, you know? I was listening to a cover of "I Wish You Love" by Rachael Yamagata and this just came to me and begged to be written. So I did. And now I'm sharing it with you, even though it depresses me immensely.
Disclaimer: I promise you, I do not profit in any sort of way from this.
There is only a flash of pain for a second. Then she stops registering pain. She just surveys everything with a detached interest. Even though she knows that logically she shouldn't be surveying at all. She just took a bullet to the brain, and people who do that don't tend to do a lot of looking around.
Whatever. It's too complicated to think about, and it makes her brain hurt. Even though she doesn't have a brain now.
She is dead.
Oh God, she's dead.
No! She's not sure if she actually exclaims this or if she just thought it.
No! It's too soon. Too soon. She's young! She's not even forty yet! She doesn't have kids! Or a husband! Or a boyfriend, now that she thinks about it (or whatever it is that you do when you really can't think but somehow are thinking anyway). Although, she supposes she knows who she can thank for that last one.
She watches Gibbs scan for where the shot came from.
She doesn't want to look at… him. She can see him out of the corner of her eye (does she even have eyes now?), and realizes that she really doesn't want to look at him. He's kneeling by her… body. Corpse, now, if you want to get technical about it.
Kate has left the building, she thinks. She would smile, but things are starting to dawn on her.
Like the fact that she's dead.
Nothing to do but come to terms with it, she supposes. It's not like any amount of denial is going to fix it. She takes a deep breath out of habit (does she need to breathe now? She makes a note to figure that out), and steels herself to look.
Well, there's her body. Corpse. Whatever. Her. There she is. A small bullet hole in the middle of her forehead. Dead center. Oh, bad pun. At least Ari is a good shot. The wound isn't too bloody, although that pool under her head is getting rather gruesome.
She looks at her face. She's still wearing that small smirk that is customary when Tony is around.
Tony.
She pulls herself together to do the thing she's been avoiding since she realized she's dead. She looks at him.
He's crumpled near her head, not moving. For a second, she worries that he died too. But the he shakes his head and looks up. Clearly he's trying to hold back tears and failing miserably.
Oh God, Tony, she thinks.
She only died with one regret. That one stupid regret that she never talked to him. That she died without telling him, just once, that even though he was possibly the most annoying person in the universe, and half the time she couldn't stand him, in spite of all that, it was incredibly possible that maybe, just maybe, she loved him.
Loves him. Just because she's dead doesn't mean she doesn't still love him.
Gibbs is securing everything. Tony is in the same position he was before. Only now he has officially lost the fight to keep back the tears. His lips are moving. It takes immense concentration, but Kate manages to make out what he's saying.
"Oh, God. Oh, God," he keeps repeating. "Katie, I love you."
Wait. Hold up. Rewind and play that back. He loves her?
How could they have been so stupid?
Kate feels like she's going to cry. She loves him and he loves her and now she's dead. And they never even told each other.
It's not fair!
No, it's not.
"I love you, Katie," Tony repeats.
Don't call me Katie, she thinks, more for old times' sake than anything. How many times do I have to tell you that?
"Sorry," he mumbles. "You always hated it when I called you Katie."
Wait a second. Did he hear that? No, that's impossible.
"But when I said it, you only pretended to be mad. I could tell."
No, it was just a random coincidence.
"Kate, I was going to ask you to dinner tonight. I guess you probably would have laughed, huh? Thought it was a big joke."
Could death possibly have worse timing? No!
Tony, I love you, she thinks, in a last attempt to see if he really can hear her.
"But maybe not," he shrugs. "I guess I'm never going to find out."
Guess not.
"I'll never stop loving you, Katie."
An image of him still grieving when he's fifty flashes in her mind. No. Not acceptable.
I love you, Tony, she think-tells him. Maybe he'll hear her. But you can't grieve forever. Promise me that. I know you can't hear me, but just… don't stop loving because of me. I love you and you deserve someone special. I'm sorry that it's not me, but it's not meant to be, I guess. You're going to find that someone someday, and I don't want you holding back because of me. You deserve so much more.
She floats down to where he is, closes her eyes, and presses what she knows to be where her lips should be to his lips. He doesn't respond, but it's not like she expected him to.
Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but when she pulls away, she thinks that he looks more peaceful.
I love you, Anthony Dinozzo, she thinks with a smile. And I wish you love.
I told you it was sad. Bittersweet I think is the word I'm searching for here.
Anyways...
Review and I wish you love!
-Juli-