Every time I would walk out of my house, it was always with an elephant on my chest.

I'm sure if I actually saw her--the her--I would be delighted I had decided to go out on a stroll, or get some pizza, or something. My heart would burst with affection and my eyes would forever be fixed on her. My life would seem like a meaningless haze before the day she walked into my line of vision. All that good stuff Quil loves bragging about.

It's just that nothing is my decision. I don't care if I get a girl pregnant and we get married and have five divorces and end up tunneled in a pile of our own filthy underwear or something--as long as it's on my terms.

But this, this insane worry, this insane waiting, for one girl out of millions...it's crazy. It's stupid. If I want to fall in love, I want to do it now. I don't want to be dependent on fate's sick sense of humor.

Quil let Claire pull his hair back into a severe, taut ponytail, pulling the skin above his eyebrows up so high it had to be painful. Tears start to roll down his cheeks from the force, but he's smiling the entire time.

It won't be Bella, is all I cant think, no matter how hard I try, it will never be Bella.

Never.

"Jake!" Claire squealed, jumping up and down with Quil's hair still in her hands, pointing and giggling, "Jake, look how pretty he looks! Jake!"

I force a smile on my face, and nod, "Beautiful, Claire. We should send his tape to America's Next Top Model."

A look of astonishment sweeped across her face, "You think we could?"

Quil scowled slightly as her grip tightened on the ponytail, "Uh...how about we don't."

I kind of chuckle, without much enthusiasm.

This was torture.

All I wanted was Bella. I cannot imagine finding another girl that I would look at and--suddenly, just forget about her. It was not a possibility. It was infathonable.

But now it was over.

I'd never be with Bella, never be more then friends. She loved a leech, someone who could kill her, someone who could destroy her, and I was powerless to stop it.

I swallowed as Claire ran for her mother's makeup kit.

Bella was too deep into this. She was too involved, too trusting of them. They took her, they warped her mind...hell, they brainwashed her. At least that's what I tried to tell myself.

In all honesty, she probably just loved him more. Why wouldn't she? He was perfect.

Maybe I was the one brainwashed. Maybe I was too involved with her and her life, and there was no going back. she was fine. I think I was the one with the problem.

I was just too far gone.

A/N I wrote this before Breaking Dawn came out.