Disclaimer: I own neither "Harry Potter" nor "Hamlet".

One evening Phineas Nigellus Black went to visit the Fat Lady.

"Good evening, my Lady," he said as he entered her painting.

"Phineas Nigellus, my love, how are you?" the Fat Lady replied.

"I'm well enough. Now Lady, I have something that I have to tell you…"

"There's someone else, isn't there?" the Fat Lady cut in. "You're seeing someone else."

"Please don't get mad, my dear, but you see, I've fallen in love with the Sorting Hat."

"What?" the Fat Lady screamed. "You've fallen in love with that, that thing?"

"Please, you must understand," Phineas Nigellus said. "We were made for each other. First I was helping him compose his songs, and then we got talking and one thing led to another and I just realised that he was the one."

"What about us?" she asked. "What about everything that we had? Doesn't that count for anything?"

"My Lady, we were good together, I'll admit. But the hat and I, we're great."

The Fat Lady began to weep loudly. Phineas felt terrible, but he remained where he stood rather than go and comfort her.

At that moment Sir Cadogan entered the picture. "What is this?" he cried. "A damsel in distress?"

The Fat Lady said "Oh, Sir Cadogan, I'm glad you're here. This brute has been unfaithful to me. With a hat."

"Now look here," Phineas Nigellus said. "We were over, we both know that. The spark had gone from our relationship. Besides, nothing could stand in the way of the love that I have for that hat."

At these words, the Fat Lady began to cry even louder than before.

"I'll thank you to apologise," Sir Cadogan said. "It is most unchivalrous to cause a lady to cry in such a manner."

"Never!" Phineas Nigellus responded. "I have done nothing for which I need to apologise."

"Please Sir Cadogan, defend my honour," the Fat Lady sobbed.

Sir Cadogan drew his sword, and ran it through Phineas Nigellus. Phineas Nigellus fell.

"Oh, I am slain!" he exclaimed.

Sir Cadogan turned and walked over to the Fat Lady. She immediately stopped crying. "Finally, he is dead. Now we can be together for all eternity."

They embraced. "Nothing will ever stand between us again," the Fat Lady said.

"CAPUT DRACONIS!" yelled Percy Weasley.

The Fat Lady and Sir Cadogan turned towards the front of the painting. In front of them stood all the students of Gryffindor house, having just come upstairs from the Start-of-Term Feast. The expression on the faces of the older students ranged from amusement to disapproval, whereas most of the first years appeared to be severely traumatised by what they had just witnessed.

"Well, are you going to let us in?" asked Percy.

"Sorry," muttered the Fat Lady, swinging forward to allow the students entry.

Once they were all inside and she had shut again, Phineas Nigellus stood up, dusted himself off and returned Sir Cadogan's sword.

"Great performance darlings," said the Fat Lady.

"You really think so?" asked Phineas Nigellus. "You don't think that I overdid it?"

"No darling, you were great. Really sold it," replied Sir Cadogan.

"Thanks. Well, I'll be off then. I'll see you two next year," Phineas Nigellus said, then turned and left the Fat Lady's portrait.

"You were really good as well," said Sir Cadogan.

Sir Cadogan left, and so the Fat Lady was left alone to begin preparations for the following year's play.

"I think we'll do Hamlet next year."