Hear, Hear! This will be a collection of one-shots AND rather odd other things, all about Dalaric I guess, though it could not always be the case, we'll see as it comes. Fear for your sanity, dear readers, and... wait, no, that wasn't what I meant to tell you. Anyway:

I don't get it

So, you see, the Storyteller doesn't understand why the fans want Damon and Alaric to end up together. Alaric doesn't even understand that the fans want him and Damon to end up together. The thing is, Damon does understand why he and Alaric should be together. Of course, when the Storyteller wants to get some answers from the two of them, to try and figure out why some fans are so obsessed with Dalaric, Damon goes to great lengths to make the Storyteller and Alaric understand. GREAT LENGTHS.
Warning: written a bit like a play. So the actions are very... Crude isn't the word. Pure isn't either. Direct, maybe?

Everything is dark. Footsteps are heard. Probably a parquet flooring. Silence again. Not anymore. Someone clears his throat.

S: "Light, please. It's too dark in here."

A projector is turned on. A woman is sitting on a metal stool. She's wearing a black suit.

S: "Now, you two, you can come in."

Whispers are heard. Then footsteps coming from the left. Two persons. Then silence again. The woman look angrily somewhere in the dark.

S: "I need to see them too. Turn on the other projector."

A second projector is turned on. Two men are sitting on a large black leather couch. They don't seem to know why they're here. One appears to be bored. The other, patient. The first one has raven black hair. The other, light brown hair. Both of them are wearing the same attire. Black shirt, gray pants, black shoes.

D: "Just so you know, I did nothing bad. So I shouldn't be here."

The other man elbows him in the stomach.

A: "What are you implying? That I'm the one who fucked up? Besides, you're always doing evil things. Such as, seducing your brother's girlfriend."

D: "I'm only doing what the Storyteller decided I would be doing. I don't even like Elena that much. I mean, yes, I care about her, but that's all."

S: "Both of you, that's enough!"

The woman seems to be quite angry.

S: "None of you did anything wrong. But I have issues with the current story, and since I'm the Storyteller, it's not good at all. Now, I'm going to ask you some questions, and I'd like you to answer honestly."

The first man yawns conpiscuously. The other punches him without putting much strength in it.

A: "What's the matter, Storyteller?"

S: "I'm glad you asked, Alaric. Damon doesn't seem very pleased with our conversation, on the other hand. Could you at least make him behave for now?"

A: "I'll try. I can't promise anything, though."

Damon winces. Alaric punches him once more. The vampire winces at him. The hunter twists his friend's nose. Damon swears, then begins to sulk. He's not saying anything anymore.

S: "So, you see, I have a problem. Some of the fans... want your relationship to be... more than friendship, and I don't get why."

The Storyteller is fidgeting. Damon sneers. Alaric frowns.

A: "I don't get it."

The vampire gives him a sidelong glance. Then he looks at the ill-at-ease woman. And turns back to look at Alaric, sitting beside him. He shortens the distance between them.

D: "They want us to be more than friends."

A: "Best friends? Aren't we already?"

Damon rolls his eyes. He looks exasperated. It doesn't last long. A smirk grows larger on his lips.

D: "Being clueless doesn't suit you, Ric. The fans want. Us. Together."

The hunter still doesn't seem to understand. Damon puts a hand on the man's nearest knee.

S: "I don't mean to interrupt, but... I'm here, you know."

Damon withdraws his hand. He's facing Alaric now.

D: "I know you're here. Watch, and you'll get why they want it so much."

The woman tries to reply, but finds nothing to say. She blushes when she sees the vampire's fingers undoing Alaric's shirt's top button.

D: "They're not the only one who want it, you know, Ric. If you don't get it, how about I show you what I mean?"

Damon's hands move to the second, and then the third button. He puts his hand against Alaric's chest, tangles his fingers in the chest hair. The hunter smiles.

A: "So you don't like me playing clueless. Duly noted. Now, if you tell me what you want exactly, I might be able to help you getting it, don't you think?"

D: "I said that being clueless doesn't suit you. I never said playing clueless doesn't. Now I guess that was an invitation, so I'm going to show you how much I appreciate it."

A: "Go on, please. I'd love to know more about your desires."

The Storyteller's face goes blank as she listen to the two men.

D: "I want a lot of things. Amongst those are many that only you can fulfill."

Alaric arches an eyebrow. Damon leans on the couch, elbows near the hunter's legs, chin in his hands. Alaric unwinds a bit. The vampire raises his right hand, his head now cocked to the left, and touches the man's knee once again. His fingers goes up along the gray fabric of the pants. They stop when they reach his crotch. They appears to hesitate. Then they make up their mind, and the whole hand settles down.

D: "First of all, I want what is under this useless piece of clothing."

A: "Then go forth, and get rid of it."

The vampire looks up to see a grinning hunter. Then he looks down and smiles.

D: "You're the one who permitted it. Don't you dare regret it later."

Damon stands up.

D: "Would you, dear Alaric, get on your feet?"

The hunter complies with an amused look. Damon comes unnecessarily closer to him. They look each other in the eyes while the vampire's hands seeks Alaric's fly zipper.

A: "I thought you were interested in what is in my pants, not in what is on my face."

D: "I said I wanted many things."

He opens the zipper, squeezes the growing bulge in the hunter's grey underpants.

D: "This is only a part of what I want from you."

The vampire takes a step back. Then he kneels down and begins to untie the man's shoes. Alaric looks mildy curious. When his shoes are undone, he takes a step back. Damon moves the shoes away, behind the leather couch. He comes back to the hunter, pulls the pants down. Alaric takes another step back. He's almost in the dark. Damon moves the pants away, behind the couch. He goes back to the hunter.

D: "Give me your foot."

Alaric complies and raises his left leg. The vampire takes his time touching it, caressing it. Then he takes off the black sock and silently asks for the other foot. The man complies. Same performance. The Storyteller squeals, her hands hiding her face, but her fingers apart. They look at her as if they had forgotten she was here. Damon grins. Alaric smirks. The vampire throws the socks away, behind the couch. They ignore her again. Damon takes two steps back.

D: "Come here, Ric."

The hunter obeys with a smug smile. They're in the middle of the illuminated space again.

A: "Surely you didn't only want to have me half-naked in front of you?"

D: "It becomes interesting now."

A: "So it wasn't before?"

Damon puts his hands on the man's back and squeezes against him as he kisses Alaric. The hunter's hands go for the vampire's back but Damon breaks their kiss before they get there.

D: "I'm the one leading here. You only do what I ask you to do."

Alaric laughs.

A: "Alright, big boss."

The vampire frowns.

A: "For now."

D: "Would that be insubordination that I heard in your words?"

A: "Insubordination it might become if you don't prove yourself to be up to the task. So, what did you want to do with my genitals?"

The vampire touches the said parts through the underpants.

D: "I was thinking of putting them somewhere special."

Damon kneels down. His hands linger around Alaric's hips. The hunter shudders. Then the hands grasp the underpants and pull them down. Alaric stays still with difficulty. Damon looks pleased with the hard length he sees and soon takes it in his mouth. There are licking, horny kissing, forced immobility involved. When he finishes it, the vampire looks up to see the hunter staring at the unseen ceiling while trembling.

D: "Up to the task?"

Alaric's voice is shaking.

A: "Definitely."

Damon tries to stand up, but fails, so hard himself that he isn't certain he can hold it together. Alaric calms down and looks at the vampire in sexual haze. Seeing how Damon is panting, hands pressed on his crotch, he smirks.

A: "Still insisting that you're the one in charge?"

The vampire grumbles. Alaric gets his underpants completely out of the way before talking again.

A: "I can't understand you, Damon, you need to articulate a bit more."

Damon growls.

D: "I can't stand up."

The hunter kneels down and puts his own hands on Damon's.

A: "You might want a bit of help with that. Ready to reverse roles?"

D: "Stop teasing and help me, goddamn it."

A: "As you wish, my dear."

Damon lets him push his hands away. The man slowly unfastens the vampire's fly and pushes his right hand in his pants.

A: "I should have known you were going commando."

The vampire flinches when Alaric squeezes his length. Not long later, he seems a bit relieved. Alaric frowns, trying to look disappointed.

A: "You're not supposed to come just yet, you know. I should be allowed to play with you as much as you did with me."

D: "As if my teasing hadn't been affecting me too. And for your information, I haven't had sex for months. I have every rights not to last long."

A: "You, not having sex for months? You're kidding me, right?"

D: "I'm supposed to court Elena, because of some stupid Storyteller. Doesn't mean I'm not fantasizing over somebody else outside of the story known to all. And it happens that the guy I'm currently getting horny over had to wait to be called to the said Storyteller's office to make me understand I should definitely go for it. It's been months, Ric."

The Storyteller shrinks on her stool. She tries not to see what is happening. She risks a glance to the other side of the room, where a ray of light can be seen from under a door. Her eyes see the man and the vampire. She blushes and moves no more.

D: "Ric, I definitely need more than a little handjob. Since you decided to take part, do it until the end, you dumbass!"

Alaric winces and grabs the vampire's arm. He makes him stand up, undoes his shoes and pants quickly, casts everything aside and half-tosses Damon on the leather couch.

D: "I get it, I won't insult you ever again during sex."

A: "Who said there's going to be a next time?"

The vampire smirks. Alaric doesn't seem to be angry at all.

D: "Your dick says there will be a next time."

A: "Getting cocky already, aren't we?"

D: "Well, between two guys, you can't avoid to get to cocks at some point, can you?"

Alaric doesn't reply, and begins kissing him hungrily, while inserting two fingers in Damon's ass. The vampire moans. A metallic sound disturbs them. Damon grumbles when the hunter's attention goes to the source of the fuss. The Storyteller has fallen to the ground, her stool rolling on the floor next to her.

S: "Stop it! You're incredibly hot together, you're terrific as a couple, you'd be every slash fan's dream, I get it, I get it, now, please, stop before I turn into a pornographic storyteller!"

She stops talking to breathe, then goes at it again.

S: "Or at least, let me leave before you continue your... fonduing."

D: "No one ordered you to stay in the first place. That's a pretty private moment you were spying on, you know."

The vampire sounds annoyed. The Storyteller walks through the room hastily, opens the door, leaves, closes the door. Alaric's mind goes back to the vampire leaning under him.

A: "I had forgotten she was here the moment you did this wonderful thing with your lips."

D: "Well, I never did. Now, could you please go back to what we were doing or do I need to threaten that I won't give you a blowjob ever again if you don't fuck me already?"

A: "That's asked so nicely, I guess I have no choice then."

They kisses. Then the hunter smiles and sits up straight. He takes his fingers out of Damon. Alaric takes a deep breathe. The lights go out.

And now I need to see this play. Damn me.