Author's Note: One shot! This is sort of based off of my own sibling rivalry with my brother at times. We used to argue over who was our parents' second favorite- Both automatically putting our sister as the favorite. Why? Simple- She moved out a long time ago, but lives close enough to visit a lot. Anyway, after seeing Leap of Faith, I couldn't help but think of this. Not exactly one-hundred percent happy with it, though. They're a little out of character here.
But it was fun to write, dammit. I should write crackfic oneshots more often... Got a million ideas for them. And the part with Ziva driving was the best to write, in my opinion.
I don't own NCIS or Indiana Jones or anything else I may have mentioned.
--
It was quiet in the bull pen- Something unusual for Team Gibbs. Tony stared at his computer screen, absent-mindedly, while McGee typed furiously on his keyboard, despite not having a case. Ziva sat at her desk, playing with her knife. Gibbs was off somewhere else, doing who knows what. Tony sighed, before a question popped into his head.
"Who's the second favorite?" He asked aloud, looking between McGee and Siva's curious faces. "Gibbs' second favorite, I mean. We all know Abby's the favorite." He stated, and his teammates nodded.
"Obviously," McGee started smugly, "It's me. You two are constantly fighting while I'm solving the case with my computer skills."
"Cow Crap-" Ziva started.
"Bull Crap, Ziva." Tony autocorrected the Israeli. She went on as if he didn't speak.
"-It's me!" Ziva exclaimed. "I am the only one who can and has killed a man with a paper clip! You two are too soft and weak, and neither of you ever shut up! It's always either McGee's constant geek speak or Tony's movie references!" She smirked to herself. In the back of her head, she remembered killing her brother for her boss, but she would never tell anyone she killed Ari.
"I gotta say it's me," Tony gave his DiNozzo smile. "I've been with the Boss the longest, I saved him from drowning, I kick ass at this job, and he got me off that damn boat," Tony shuddered. "Besides, he picked me for team leader when he left, and he picks me to go with him most often," Tony smirked cockily, as if he won. His initial question soon sent the team into an hour of childish bickering and escalated into childish fighting, until Gibbs walked in, coffee in hand.
"Dead Petty Offi... What the hell?" He demanded at the sight. Ziva was sitting on top of McGee, who was pinned to the floor, while she twisted his arm painfully behind his back. McGee was kicking Tony repeatedly in the shins, while Tony pulled Siva's hair like a playground bully. The three of them scurried up and stood with as much dignity as they could muster- which wasn't much. "What are you all, five?" Gibbs yelled, headslapping each one as they hung their heads in shame. He smacked Tony twice.
"Ow!" He exclaimed. "What was the second one for?" He asked, before receiving the Gibbs glare.
"I'm sure you started it," Gibbs growled. "Now are you investigators, or are you children?!" He spat. "Get your gear!" The three of them hurried to their respective desks and grabbed their gear, and followed Gibbs into the elevator.
--
"You started it, Zee-Vuh!" Tony spat as he drove the truck to the crime scene. He, Ziva, and McGee were stuck with the truck while Gibbs went ahead in his own car.
"I did not!" she defended herself, glaring daggers at her male coworkers. "It was McGee! He started it!" McGee looked at her like she was crazy.
"What do you mean?! I did nothing! Tony started by throwing his gum at me! I threw it away from me and it happened to hit you!"
"Don't you try pinning this one on me, Probie!" Tony barked. "It's all your fault!" They continued bickering until they got to the crime scene, and immediately shut up when they saw Gibbs standing over the dead Petty Officer. He seemed a bit angry still.
"What the hell took you so long?!" Gibbs demanded as they got out of the truck. "Hell, Ducky and Palmer beat you!" He gestured to the M.E. and M.E. assistant, who have been late to every crime scene they ever visited.
"Tony drove." Ziva shot out, as if tattling. Tony glared daggers at her. Gibbs shook his head and started to delegate the work.
"McGee, Photos. Ziva, Bag n' Tag, DiNozzo, witness statements," Gibbs pointed to the bawling group of kindergarteners and their teacher who found the body on a school field trip. "All of them!" Tony glared at Ziva.
"Tony drove," He mocked her in a high pitched voice. She raised a fist at him, before he backed away and towards the school children.
--
Ziva drove the way back.
"RED LIGHT! RED LIGHT!" McGee yelled as he hung onto his seat belt for dear life. Ziva smirked and swerved around several stopped cars. She was not the least bit disturbed as many people honked, cursed and gave her the middle finger out their windows. "SEMI! SEMI! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ZIVA, DON'T PLAY CHICKEN WITH A SEMI!" McGee pleaded. Ziva laughed at the man, before looking at Tony.
"I'm surprised you haven't yelled at me for my driving yet, Tony," She joked. He sat motionlessly, NCIS hat over his face Indiana-Jones style when he tried to sleep, arms crossed over his chest.
"It's less scary when you can't see it," He said. Tony was pissed.
"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, ZIVA! PEDESTRIAN!" McGee pointed at the woman on a sidewalk dead ahead of the truck. Ziva barely avoided hitting the woman.
"Are you still mad that Gibbs made you talk to children, Tony?" Ziva laughed. They all felt a giant bump and she took out a garbage can.
"My tie turned into a tissue. And one of them stole my pen."
"ZIVA, YOU'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD!" McGee yelled.
"Shut up, McGee!" Ziva demanded, looking at him full face, almost driving head on into a light pole. McGee shrunk back and shuddered.
"Close your eyes, Probie, and pretend you're on the world's most dangerous roller coaster," Tony advised. McGee threw his hands over his eyes. "God knows that's a hundred times safer than driving with Ziva."
--
The moment they got out of the truck, McGee puked.
"When did you have spaghetti, McGee?" Tony asked, looking at his friend's vomit. McGee glared up at him from his hunched over position. Ziva just stood to the side, avoiding the vomit at all costs- The way the day was going, McGee would aim it at her the next time he puked. The three of them rode the elevator up to the squad room before McGee ran off to the men's room. Somehow, Gibbs beat them back.
"Hey, boss." Tony said cheerfully. Gibbs glared at the younger man, but he did not seem effected. "The kiddies were out for a walk with Teacher Hughe, and then our Petty Officer fell out of a tree, supposedly already dead. Almost landed on the teacher. Almost all the kids say she didn't do anything, but a few told me when she wasn't listening she said she told them to say that or she'd send them to the principle's office, and she touched his neck then put something in his mouth; My gut says she killed him." Tony smiled, and Ziva seethed, feeling out done. Gibbs nodded towards Tony.
"Find out more on her, Tony," Gibbs demanded then walked out. Tony pointed and laughed at Ziva.
"In your face!" He jibed, doing a victory dance. "DiNozzo is back on top!"
"Round nose," She spat as McGee turned the corner from the bathroom.
"Brown nose, Ziva. The saying is brown nose." He said, but shut up as she looked like she was about to kill somebody. And saying that about Ziva was never really an exaggeration...
--
McGee, Ziva, and Tony worked diligently for several hours, digging up the dirt on their dead Petty Officer and the teacher when Gibbs strode in.
"Petty Officer Dolan died of Cyanide Poisoning- Ducky confirmed it," He stated. Tony immaturely stuck his tongue out at Ziva across from him. She simply glared at him as if to say, 'I will rip it out of your mouth, DiNozzo.' "He was beaten first to the point of being passed out."
"Banks statements look normal for both of them," Ziva admitted, angrily. "She took out a thousand three days ago, though."
"Dolan was last seen two days ago by his C.O., leaving base for the night." Tony looked up as McGee stood.
"Boss, got a motive for Lily Hughe," he said confidently. Ziva and Tony snapped their eyes to the other man. "Four years ago, Petty Officer Dolan was accused of murdering Hughe's brother, Kenny. He should have gone away, but the Defense Attorney got the most crucial evidence thrown out for not being secured with a warrant. Dolan walked and joined the Navy to straighten out his life. Get this- Hughe's brother was beaten, shoved in a tree, and poisoned with Cyanide. Same M.O. as Dolan's death," McGee smirked triumphantly at Ziva and Tony. Gibbs grabbed his bag from behind his desk.
"Let's bring her in," He said in his Gibbs' fashion. Tony and Ziva quickly glanced at each other, then at McGee.
"Brown Nose." They both whispered as he passed.
--
As they pulled into Lily Hughe's driveway, the woman stepped into her doorframe, looking surprised and nervous.
"Agent DiNozzo?" She asked, as the four agents walked up to her. "What's going on?"
"We have some questions, Ms. Hughe," Gibbs stated bluntly.
"About the dead man?" She asked, somewhat confused. "I told Agent DiNozzo all that happened."
"What about your brother?" McGee asked. She immediately slammed the door closed. "Ms. Hughe!" McGee yelled as he tried to open the door. Before Gibbs could try to open the door, a shot rang out and a bullet whizzed through the door, barely missing McGee. Ziva and her ninja assassin skills was the first to react, and put two rounds through the door before kicking it down, to reveal the teacher lying in a pool of her own blood, two bullet holes going through her chest. Gibbs checked for a pulse as Ziva secured the shotgun Hughe used.
"She's dead." He stated, somewhat amused. Ziva smiled as Tony and McGee looked at her incredulously.
"How the hell did you do that?" Tony asked.
--
McGee, Tony, Ziva, and Abby sat in the bull pen, Abby in Gibbs' desk.
"That had to be the easiest case that didn't end up with Ducky getting stabbed," Abby smiled as the other three continued to bicker.
"I'm the second-favorite!"
"No, I am!"
"You're both idiots, I am!"
"Why are you arguing over second favorite, anyway?" Abby asked, laughing.
"Well, you're the favorite." Tony stated obviously.
"Well, duh," She said, before going on. "I mean, isn't it already obvious who Gibbs' second favorite is?" She asked as the grey-haired man strode in behind her.
"Definitely ain't any you three," He said without stopping. Tony, Ziva, and McGee looked at each other dumbfounded, before following him to the elevator.
"Who?" They all demanded in unison just before the elevator opened to reveal Ducky, out of scrubs and in casual clothing- Well, as casual as Ducky could ever have.
"Ah, hello Anthony, Timothy, Ziva," The good doctor smiled as the three of them exchanged glances before Gibbs stepped into the elevator. "Ready to go, Jethro? You know, this case reminded me of when I was younger and..." Ducky's voice was cut off from the three of them when the elevator door closed.
"Son of a bitch, that is so unfair," Tony complained.
"So we just acted like petty children for nothing?" Ziva asked, pissed off.
"No," McGee said thoughtfully. "We still don't know his third favorite."
--
Author's Note: It was always Ducky. However, I think Tony is Gibbs favorite after Abby, but what do you think? Go ahead and tell me.