WINTER LEAVES LIKE A SON IN A PARADE
by Christopher Rangel
Captain Falcon watched over the burning wreckage below. "Something is not right. Where is that damn Yoshi? Yoshi!" He went into the car and pulled Yoshi out of Princess Peach. "Yoshi, you can impregnate the Princess later. He has returned."
"Yoshi?" said Yoshi.
"Yes", replied Captain Falcon. "We must alert the wizard". So they went to Gandalf's castle. "Where is that damn Gandalf? Gandalf!" He went into Gandalf's castle and pulled Gandalf out of Steven Tyler's daughter.
"Gandalf, you can impregnate Steven Tyler's daughter later. He has returned."
"You don't mean..."
"Yes", replied Captain Falcon. "We must find the wellspring of ancient knowledge to figure out how to defeat them!"
So Captain Falcon, Yoshi, and Gandalf found the wellspring, but there were weird noises coming from within. They found Patrick providing oral sex to Spongebob!
"Oh fuck!" yelled Spongebob. "Your mouthhole puts all of my Spongeholes to shame!"
"Hopefully my dickhole will get a bit of those Spongeholes, babe."
"Oh shit!" Spongebob said as he saw the party of three approach.
"Yoshi!" said Yoshi as Yoshi started jerking off.
"You have contaminated the wellspring of ancient knowledge with your cum and you shall die!" said Gandalf and Gandalf shot lightning at the sea creatures, but they turned into skeletons.
"Show me your moves!" Captain Falcon yelled as he started skullfucking. Once the skulls were thoroughly fucked they went to the wellspring. Gandalf fell to his knees and began to cry.
"Those motherfuckers! All of the knowledge has been corrupted by buckets of Spongecum! It won't be long until that corruption spreads to our own knowledge. All is lost!"
"So this was his plan, then", said Captain Falcon. "If we can beat him, then maybe we can cure the wellspring of the Spongecum!"
"You need a little help with that?" came a voice from behind a corner. It was Solid Snake! He threw a cigarette into the Wellspring and said "me and him go way back. One might say that I am his father!"
"You are his father?" said everyone except for Yoshi who said Yoshi.
"Yes. I brought him into this world, I know how to take him out."
So they hid behind a rock near the villain's castle, and lightning struck behind the castle because clouds were starting to move in. Not only clouds, but also Cloud Strife seemed to be moving in, because he stepped out of a U-Haul and began unpacking some furniture.
"What the fuck is this?" asked Gandalf.
"Oh, hi Gandalf", said Cloud.
"Oh, hi Cloud", said Gandalf. "What the fuck is this?"
"I'm moving in! This was just listed and for a god price too so I bought the house. I already have another house, but I need this house in order to keep all of my prostitutes unknown from Aerith!"
"Isn't Aerith dead?" asked Captain Falcon.
"How can a skeleton be dead, stupidpants?"
"A skeleton cannot be dead", said Gandalf. "A skeleton can only be a skeleton."
Captain Falcon nodded at that. "So, do you think you could help us out?" Captain Falcon said. "The man who sold you this castle has returned, and he made Patrick make Spongebob cum into the Wellspring of Knowledge and we need to stop him. Are you in?"
"Hold on a second", said Cloud, and he went into the castle.
"Where is that damn Cloud? Cloud!" said Captain Falcon. He went into the castle and pulled Cloud out of Vincent Valentine. "No time for fuck!" Captain Falcon screamed Cloud's face off and they went off to find the villain.
"Where the fuck do we look?" asked Yoshi. "Uh, I mean, Yoshi!"
"Well, Yoshi, we look where our heart points us and where our eyes turn us away", said Cloud. Cloud closed his eyes and found a secret river running from the Wellspring to the minds of everyone and he accidentally gave Gandalf brain cancer and he died and it was very sad.
"He was a good man", said Captain Falcon. "We need to give him a proper funeral." So they gave him a proper funeral.
"This hasn't all been for nothing", said Cloud. "I did manage to find his location." So they went to his location. It was just a tree. Captain Falcon Falco punched the tree and it exploded and there was a staircase so they went down the staircase.
They found themselves in a hall filled with glass containers filled with liquid filled with old friends like Ichigo, Naruto, Yoko, Yoko Ono, and Ringo Starr.
"Fucking shit", said Ringo. "Help! You have to get me out of here! He is a madman."
"We know he is a madman", said Captain Falcon. "We will come back for you, but first thing is first."
"You will regert this1" said Ringo Starr and he returned to the fetal position and he was very bad.
So they found themselves in his throneroom and his chair was turned away so they could not see him.
"Son", said Snake, raising his gun. "The time has come to turn around your chair." and the chair turned around but he wasn't in the chair. Instead Link was in the chair. He was tied up, gagged, and there was a time bomb attached to him and the timer said "1... 0" and it exploded and the whole place collapsed around them.
When Captain Falcon woke up he was looking at the sky. He shifted under the rubble and his hearing returned and there was something that was a terrible sound. He looked up and he saw a severely mutated Ringo Starr feasting on the corpse of Yoshi.
"You monster!" yelled Captain Falcon. "I'll crush you like the bug you are!"
"I'm a Beatle, bitch! I'm unsquashable!" So Captain Falcon stood up and got in fighting pose, and Ringo Starr's mighty claws clung to the ground, but just before he was about to pounce there was a gunshot and Ringo fell to the floor.
"Love me do, motherfucker", said Snake as he blew the smoke from the gun. Ringo Starr began to turn back to his human form and the wound healed and he stood up.
"Thanks for saving me guys, I can tell you where he went. He went to the south pole. He is probably almost finished with his plan."
"Shit", said Cloud. "We have to make it there. We all have people we love, and we have to make it there to save the people we love so we can stop him and save the people we love!"
"Peace and love, man", said Ringo, a tear falling from his eye. He pulled out a shotgun, smiled, and said "Peace and fucking love."
So they went to the airport to buy some tickets to the South Pole and Lando was the receptionist and he said "Holy shit man its Captain Falcon, Solid Snake, Cloud Strife, and Ringo Starr! Are you guys off to kill him?"
"Yes", they said.
"I want to come and kill him, too", Lando said.
"Okay", they said and Lando quit his job and got on a plane with them.
The flight was very long but they passed time by orgying in a pool of airline food (What's up with airline food? Boners, that's what!"
So they made it to the South Pole and fucked all the penguins which caused the door at the middle of the south pole to open up and they went into the door and walked inside, but they were surrounded by a group of soldiers.
"Mwa ha ha", came his voice from down the hall. A cloaked figure walked towards them and when he removed the cloak everyone gasped.
"You!" said Captain Falcon.
"Him." said Cloud.
"That's right, me!" He said. "Gregory Stapleton of Winchester Nevada".
"Gregory! You don't have to do this!" Snake yelled and cried.
"Do you really care anymore? Has the Spongecum really not infected your mind yet?"
"I will never forget that you are my son." said Snake.
"Really?" Gregory Stapleton began to cry. "I did all of this because I thought you didn't love me!"
"I love you, son." Then a Buster Sword went right through Solid Snake's chest.
"No!" cried Gregory Stapleton. Snake fell to the floor and Captain Falcon went to his side and tried to shake him awake.
"Snake? Snake! SNNNNAAAAAKKKKKKEEEEE!"
"What a waste of flesh", said Cloud. Captain Falcon got up, and everyone looked at Cloud.
"Why did you do that", said Ringo, lifting his shotgun.
"Isn't it obvious?" said Cloud. He reached behind his back and pulled down the zipper revealing that he was actually Sephiroth. Sephiroth broke the Buster Sword in half on his knee and began to laugh. "Did you really think Gregory Stapleton discovered the secret of Spongecum in the Wellspring of Knowledge on his own? It was I that told him about that!"
"You said it might bring my dad and I closer together!"
"Didn't it?" said Sephiroth and he threw Solid Snake's corpse at Gregor Stapleton and Gregory Stapleton's neck broke and he was dead.
"You son of a bitch!" yelled Captain Falcon as he went in to punch Sephiroth, but Sephiroth held Captain Falcon's punch by the fist and flung him against the wall.
"Pathetic", said Sephiroth. But then he staggered. "What? Me... too?" the Spongecum began to infect his brain, and everyone else's brain, too. Everyone grabbed their heads and tried to stay standing. Ringo Starr fell to the ground, screaming, unsure of who he was now that the Knowledge of the Yellow Submarine was gone from his brain. Lando was slur singing a song.
Then the chaos passed and they were still in the hall of Gregory Stapleton.
"Right", said Sephiroth. "It has begun."
Captain Flacon fought to stand up. "Tell us what the cure for the Spongecum is!" he demanded.
Sephiroth shrugged. "Bitch, I don't give a fuck", he said. "I was only interested in infecting the Wellspring, not making it better. Have a good one" and Sephiroth disappeared.
"Fuck!" said Ringo Starr. "I can barely remember who I am anymore."
"I think I know someone that might be able to help us find the cure" said Lando. "Come with me." So they took a plane to a desert and found a library that was a tower and there was a giant owl inside (you know, the thing from Avatar the Last Airbender). They found a book about the Wellspring and found how to cure it of the Spongecum.
"Yoshicum?" said Captain Falcon. "Shit, but Yoshi's dead!"
"And just what are you pussies doing in here?" came a voice. It was Gary Oak who was wearing Professor Oak's skin as a cloak.
"Gary!" said Lando. "You stole my Milennium Falcon!"
"It works better for me anyways. Now die!" Gary threw all his Pokemon out and out came a Blastoise, a Raticate, and... Yoshi's reanimated corpse! They all attacked and all were killed except for dead Yoshi who could barely stand up.
"Fine then", said Gary. "Have it your way!" He pulled out a really big assault rifle. "Smell ya later, dweebs!" but then a Keyblade came flying and Gary's head flew off.
"Looks like your summer vacation is over", said Roxas. "Hi, I am
Roxas". He shook Captain Falcon's hand. "Father!" said Roxas. The owl spirit came.
"Yes, Roxas?" said the owl.
"I wish to accompany these heroes to help save the Wellspring and the world!"
"As you wish. Take care, my son."
So they all went back to the Wellspring, carrying dead Yoshi along the way. They stood him up next to the Wellspring, which was now completely white, and helped him jerk off.
"Yoooooossssshhhhhiiiit", said dead Yoshi as he ejaculated a giant sploosh into the Wellspring. The water, its toxins now neutralized, was clear again, but Yoshi was done and he collapsed and sank into the water.
"Damn you!" yelled Sephiroth from behind them.
"We win!" said Captain Falcon.
"No", said Sephiroth. "You die, and next time I have an evil plan you won't be able to stop it!" He brandished his mighty Masamune, but then there was some splashing from the Wellspring and everyone turned as Zack Fair climbed out of the water and the theme from Crisis Core Final Fantasy VII started playing in the background.
"Huh. Go figure", said Zack as he saw Sephiroth.
"Impossible", said Sephiroth. "You died!"
"I could say the same about you!" said Zack.
"But this time you can't defeat me!" said Sephiroth.
"Not alone", said Zack. He turned to everyone else and said "I'm going to need you guys to help me defeat him" and everyone said "okay" and fought Sephiroth. Sephiroth swung Masamune around a lot and Ringo Starr fired his shotgun and Lando fired his laser pistol and Captain Falcon did Falcon Punch and Zack used his Buster sword and the fight was very intense but then Sephiroth was weakened and Zack Omnislashed his ass and then stabbed him with the Buster Sword.
"Its over, old friend", said Zack. Sephiroth smiled and his lifeless body fell to the ground, but then Captain Falcon was clutching at his head.
"His inside me! Pull him out of me!" Lando consulted the book on the Wellspring.
"I'm afraid there's only one way to get rid of Sephiroth for good", said Lando. "The host possessed by Sephiroth must drown himself within the Wellspring."
"Very well", said Captain Falcon. "If it means saving the world." He gave everyone a hug, then walked into the Wellspring and let himself sink to the bottom, next to his old best friend Yoshi.
After that, everyone went their seperate ways, but they all remembered each other. If one needed help, they helped. And they never forgot Captain Falcon. The Wellspring of Knowledge was renamed The Wellspring of Captain Falcon. It is because of their sacrifices that we can still remember things today.
FIN