Pregnant
Warning: Themes of abortion, killing, angst and major character death. If these subjects upset you, please stay away!
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Liz closed her eyes and allowed the pregnancy test stick drop to the sink. Two stripes. An overwhelming wave of emotion rushed through her: surprise, shock, terror and grief. As if her life hadn't been complicated enough with being on the run, this is the last thing she needed now. She inhaled deeply, sighed, and wondered how to tell Red. Knowing that Red had no idea that this was all happening, Liz set out to find him.
After 6 weeks on the run, they'd become very close. Red had never failed to protect her from either the FBI or the Cabal. There had been so many close calls on both fronts, but he always seemed to be one step ahead, hiding just the right joker up his sleeve if necessary. On several occasions she was well aware of his longing gaze, something in his eyes that went beyond care and protection and she'd welcomed the feelings this knowledge had elicited. However, she had yet to muster up the courage to build a higher grade of intimacy.
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Finding Red in the kitchen munching on cereal, he presented Lizzie with a broad smile as she approaches him.
"Good morning, Lizzie."
Red knew instantly from her posture that something was very very wrong.
"What is it, sweetheart?"
Liz shook her head, bit her lip and averted her gaze.
"I'm pregnant, Red …"
In three rapid strides he was by her side, took her face in his hands, urging her to look at him.
"Pregnant? ... How?"
Her eyes shut so tightly, that the tears made a path down her cheeks.
"I- I was with Tom the night before I shot Connolly."
Red dropped his hand, as though burned and turned away from her. Lizzie knew he was hurting just as much as when she told him she remembered shooting her father.
"I assumed I was safe, but with all the stress and unsteadiness in my life, my body probably thought otherwise."
He still was unable to look at her, and it was obvious that something about this revelation stabbed him to the core.
"After all you've been through with him, how could you possible go back to him and…?"
Red could hardly utter the words. He was suffocating, and Liz is so annoyed by his reaction that she feels the need to defend herself.
"Do you have any idea how I felt that day? I was being framed, but despite your help, I felt left alone and let down. All the things you refused to tell me. Now I understand why, but back then I didn't. Tom provided the comfort I needed."
"Comfort? He used your vulnerability."
"It was me who initiated it. I wanted him that night."
A wave of nausea flooded Red, and he can't help the pang of jealousy, but it doesn't help the matter.
"The way I see it you have two options: I can hide you somewhere safe for the rest of your life. You can have the child and start over. Or, terminate this pregnancy and continue your attempts to clear your name by helping me bring down the Cabal."
Red exited the room, unable to deal with her any longer and to fight back his inappropriate hurt feelings. Liz stood in the kitchen, feeling helpless and alone. Astonished by his reaction, she realized he wouldn't be happy, but she never thought he would take it this personally.
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It took Lizzie two days to make a decision. Having the baby really wasn't an option, not in her current situation. Her life felt like a lost cause at the moment. How could she take care of a baby while she was on the run? She and Red barely had time to breathe, having to switch locations constantly, sometimes several time a day. The only other option was to drop out of the current life altogether, have the baby and live in a secluded location. That decision had no appeal for her. More than anything Liz wanted nothing more than to clear her name and prove that she'd been trapped by the Cabal. Red informed her that he'd support any decision she makes, but so far, he's remained painfully distant all the same. It was only when she told him about the decision of an abortion, did he gather her in his arms while she cried her eyes out.
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The procedure proceeded exactly in the same manner as when Red was shot. Mr. Kaplan summoned a doctor and a nurse to a mobile hospital ward. Liz was injected with a local anesthetic while they prepared her for the procedure. She kept telling herself this was the right decision all the way through it and yet she was unable to cease the silent tears running down her cheeks when the suction device eventually emptied her uterus.
Even though she pleaded with Red to stay away, he helplessly paced the front court of the building anyway, feeling immensely guilty for taking away another chance for Lizzie to have a child.
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For as long as humanly possible Liz attempted to keep her sadness at bay, tried to move on, but inevitably failed. She's in a lot more pain than she expected, both physically and mentally. Sadness and defeat ultimately turn into frustration and aggression and there is no one and nothing that can take the edge off. So it's unavoidable when she finally snapped at Red, his care suddenly so unwanted and so irritating, she wanted nothing more than to be alone.
She locked herself into her room for three days in their current safe house, refused to see and speak to him. He worried about their safety, knows she needed time to recover, but they also need to travel soon. Each day he knocked at her door, usually after hearing her cry. Red pleaded with her to talk, eat, scream at him, anything. However her door remained closed to him after she told him to go away. Red suffered, day after day, her rejection piercing his heart, shattering him more than he cared to admit. Guilt, failure and sadness clouded his soul, whiskey his only friend in those dark hours.
Pretty soon, his helplessness turned into a burning hatred and a lust to kill. There's only one person to blame for this entire mess: Tom. Things would have been different if he hadn't switched loyalties. How dare he stepped into her life in the first place anyway? It's time for him to pay for all the misery in Liz's life, for all the fraud, all the lies.
"Dembe, find and bring me Tom Keen!"
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Red is drunk as a lord when he entered the niffy cellar where Tom has been held for the past several hours. He's chained to a chair and almost looks expectant when Red draws his gun.
"Your boat trip over so soon, Tom?"
Red laughed like a mad man and stepped closer, close enough to look Tom in the eye.
"Your dream of redemption backfired, didn't it Tom? Yes, you did come close. You lured Elizabeth back into your arms and into your bed. Impregnated her with your child …"
"What?!"
Tom stared at Red in disbelief.
"Yes yes, she was pregnant."
"Was?"
"She decided to have it removed, Tom."
Red stepped behind Tom, grabbed him by the hair and hauled his head backwards, then pulled the trigger, shooting him directly into his abdomen. Tom wailed in pain, blood pours down his legs and he struggled against the chains.
"It was the last shred to break her completely. And now it's your turn to break!"
"If you kill me, she'll hate you for the rest of your life, Reddington."
"Oh, she can't hate me more than she does now, so I've nothing to lose."
Tom groans and spit.
"You're the devil here. You interfered with her life when she was a child. You're the one who brought all the loss and pain into her life, who destroyed her world. If anyone broke her, it was you!"
Tom managed a broken laugh at the fury that flared in Red's eyes at this accusation. He knows he has hit the right nerve but he also knows he has to pay for it.
Blind with rage, Red emptied the entire magazine into Tom's body before he can blink a final time. The extermination of Tom Keen however brings no satisfaction for Red.
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When Liz finally emerged from her room she found Red sitting on the sofa in the living room, obviously inebriated, as was his habit in the past days. This upset her instantly and caused her to argue with him once more.
"Is that the best you can do, getting drunk?"
He didn't respond to her snarky comment, yet gazed at her inquiringly.
"Tell me Elizabeth, if you hadn't remembered would you still have chosen me? Or would you have run away with Tom?"
"I probably would have run away with Tom, yes."
"I see."
"You wouldn't tell me the truth, Red. I didn't trust you!"
"Do you still love him?"
"I don't think that is any of your business, besides he's gone now."
Red laughed wryly and got up from the sofa to look at her.
"Oh yes, he's definitely gone now!"
When Liz realized the true meaning of his words, she lost it completely.
"What did you do?"
Red just kept looking at her, wordlessly.
"Did you kill him?"
Liz yelled and grabbed him by the scruff of his neck.
"Did you kill him?"
"Yes, I shot him. He'll never hurt you again. The venom in your life is finally gone."
Red wasn't prepard for the resounding slap that followed, too drunk to see it coming. The sting painfully courses through his body, a feeling so real, Red was nearly struck sober with the sensation.
"Who the hell do you think you are to make this decision for me?"
Liz practically screamed the words, by now the outlet for all her anger finally discovered.
"You took away everything and everyone I ever cared about, over and over again. So why don't we get rid of the last person that remains? I'm so done with you. I release you from your protection and your so called care of me. I want out of it. I do not want any of this any longer. You mentioned a place where you said I would be safe forever? I want to go there. Now. Tonight. I'll leave immediately, so I expect you to have everything ready by then: the papers, the transportation. I'm done, Red. You and me, we're so done. "
She turned angrily and attempted to leave the room, but instead, she turned back to him and hissed.
"If anyone has been the venom in my life Red, it's you. You're not any better than Tom, you're even worse! You'll always remain that monster."
They shared a last look at each other. Red didn't even flinch, frozen stoic in place. Tears run down Liz's cheeks, her pain apparent in her dark blue eyes.
"Goodbye Red."
She turned and left the room to pack.
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Dembe accompanied Liz to the hideaway house which was located somewhere in the Noric Alps of Austria, a lonely spot which didn't appear on any maps. The house was well stocked with supplies, furniture, clothes and electrical devices. Red had acquired a new identity for her, as promised. Her new name and background information allowed her to blend in with the local community or to work if she desired, even though she had been equipped with enough money for a lifetime.
Only when Dembe left her, does Liz allow herself to truly break apart. She spent hours crying, mourning Sam, her marriage, her career, her unborn child and –Red. Most of all, Red. She desperately wanted nothing more than to hate him, but she finds herself unable to feel anything but the emptiness in her heart. She was honest enough with herself to realize that she'd been very close to killing Tom herself – many times. When she had held him captured on the boat and when he had refused to give her answers. In retrospect she knew sleeping with her ex fake husband was a mistake and was mortified at the pleasure she felt that night, because she knew right then and there that she would never be able to ever trust him again, that she can't even forgive him all the things he had done, but she can't turn back the clock now to make it all undone.
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Weeks passed. The peace of the place was soothing for her soul after all she has been through, but the profiler in her knew that she had fallen into a serious depression. She couldn't let go, her thoughts going in circles and she missed Red terribly. But this is what she wanted, so she struggled to deal with her misery.
In the meantime, Red continued to drown his sorrows in alcohol. He questioned every move he'd made up to this point. He wondered if things would be different if he had turned himself in to the FBI much earlier, or if he hadn't turned himself in at all. Would things be different if he had told her the truth himself? He was always convinced keeping everything secret was a good thing but apparently it had triggered many wrong responses and actions nevertheless.
Both Tom's and Liz' words reverberated in his mind. They were right, he was the true evil in all of this; the day he decided to interfere with Liz's life was the day he started her doom, but there is one way left to put it all right.
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A few weeks passed when surveillance camera footage on the news on a TV showed Raymond Reddington shooting the Director of Clandestine Services in cold blood. Red clearly demanded the handover of several documents which the Director refused at first, but then retrieved from a safe in the wall. But instead of taking the documents with him, Red left them open on display, then four bullets hit the Director and he was left slumped dead in his chair.
The review of the documents by the FBI revealed the Director was a high ranking member of the Cabal. Radical and ruthless operations were exposed, including the bombing of the Orea-building, the frame of Elizabeth Keen and even the decades long hunt for Reddington, which finally explained why Reddington was forced to turn criminal in the first place. The search for him at this point was thorough but so far, with no results.
Before Liz can even grasped the meaning of those actions, she realized that she was finally free of all charges. Yet more news were forthcoming. A terrible bombing destroyed an apartment in Bethesda. At the same time, somewhere on a secluded airstrip outside of Washington, a private jet and a Mercedes exploded in a fiery ball. Liz watched, in abject horror and grief as fabric remnants, bits of brown tinted sunglasses and a singed fedora are found in the debris. Recognizing the items in an instant, Liz sunk to her knees and sobbed uncontrollably. Red had sacrificed himself for the price of her freedom.
In all three cases enough DNA is finally recovered to trace it back to Reddington and he's declared dead, perished evidently in the Mercedes in an act of revenge by remaining Cabal members for killing the Director.
They had considered attacking the director directly before, but killing him always equaled a suicide mission as the director was too thoroughly linked to people who sought revenge. Regardless of the risk, Red had made all this look like a desperate way out.
Red's death led to the release of his last will, that Mr. Kaplan obtained from a safe deposit box in a local bank. More documents found there announced disclosure of recent Cabal activity. In turn, their network faltered and had been ripped to shreds. High ranking members of every social class were arrested and many more, detained. Because of this, many attacks are prevented.
Among the papers found, there were dozens of instructions regarding Liz, Dembe, Mr. Kaplan and several other associates in terms of finances and protection. Several other directives instructed Mr. Kaplan to shut down Red's many lucrative business pursuits, thereby ending his entire criminal empire in literally an instant.
Liz received a photo album containing her baby pictures, wedding photos of her parents among other family members she did not know or recognize. Included are memories captured in film of family vacations, and yes, even a picture of the house she now resides in. Red had chosen this house for her specifically it seems. Among the pictures, Liz discovered a letter, written in Russian and it's taking her an entire day to translate. It's from her mother, addressed directly to Liz.
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Katarina revealed much about her abusive marriage to Liz's father, the physical violence that ensued when he was upset. How sorry she was that Liz had to witness the violence since childhood. How horrified but also secretly relieved she was when Liz pulled the trigger. How thankful she was when Red offered help, and his subsequent assistance in taking care of Liz. Katerina had trusted Red to protect Liz, regardless of his personal safety. How she trusted him to keep this awful past a secret and therefore allowing Liz the possibility of a better life, hopefully with the possibility of marrying a caring man one day in the future.
The knowledge that Red had selflessly sacrificed himself at the expense of his own life just for her gnawed at Liz. Her days going forward are dreadful and lonely. She recalls each argument, every angry hurtful word she directed towards Red. She recalls her ongoing rejections and disrespect. Regret, guilt and shame are her constant companions. She cries more than she ever thought possible. The realization that she truly loved him despite her denial, painfully fastened inside her.
Memories of him haunt her at night. Liz dreams of every touch, every hug she's ever shared with him. Her dreams include him telling her stories, saving her life, how he always spoiled her with sumptuous meals. Her visions are of him, only him. His smile, affection, his attraction. She heard him whisper "Lizzie" constantly. It was only natural that she spent most of her time sleeping.
When thoughts about ending her miserable life pierce her mind for the first time, she realized that she has to do something to deal with her depression. She knew she needed professional help, maybe even medication, but in this foreign country she has avoided all contact to the outside world so far even though she's free. She just can't bring herself to do it. She just can't.
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When the need to talk about her situation gets too much she starts to write a journal at last, forcing herself to write about her emotions and thoughts. She struggles to fill the first pages, but words start pouring out of her, undaunted.
Liz writes about the very first encounter with Red, every adventure and case she shared with him since. She revealed in her words the way Red shattered her life completely, how deeply she hates him for it and how much his reasoning still confuse her. She also writes about every private time she shared with him and what it meant to her. That despite her anger, she'd developed deep feelings for him, emotions she never dared to allow herself to harbor.
Putting her pen to paper, she continued to convey her affection for him, how she decided not to notice, not to respond to them. Liz has realized now how deeply she'd hurt him, so many times for so long. She'd never believed his true intentions and always questioned his care. The guilt for treating him this way pains her more than she thought possible, especially now that she knows he has given her the ultimate gift of his life to protect her.
Liz dedicates an entire page to Tom, but there are no unresolved feelings left for him. Her mother's letter made her realize that Tom, once he was exposed, treated her as bad, if not worse, as her father hurt her mother. She also realized she isn't in love with him anymore. She clung to the memory of their happy married life together. A life in which she felt loved and cherished. She missed that now.
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The journal helped her to discover and reflect, to sort everything out and to answer the questions torturing her mind. Most of all she didn't want to forget anything she'd been through since meeting Red that fateful day at the post office. Liz ends every entry wishing she could take so many things back, to tell Red how much she really loved him, how much she missed him.
Weeks passed and finally Liz stabilized enough so that tears do not come so easily anymore. It took several additional weeks until she began to take proper care of herself again. She began to heal, eating at least twice a day, showering every morning, and she found it especially stimulating to take long walks outside early every day. The pain of losing Red didn't lessen, and she slowly adapted, learning to live with the ache deep inside her heart. Sometimes Liz thought that she deserves all the pain and suffering in payment for treating Red so hurtfully.
Maybe this is her burden to carry around this punishment for the rest of her life like the way Red had been a 'sin-eater.' Perhaps this was all poetic justice to share the same fate as Red, and in a way, it had helped her to move on.
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Christmas morning finally arrived. Liz stood by the large picture window in the kitchen, sipping hot coffee, while savoring the view of the mountains, fields and trees that overnight have been blanketed in a pristine covering of snow, turning the world into a magically quiet and beautiful winter wonderland.
And suddenly, he's there. Red. Alive.
Standing on her lawn, a small suitcase in one hand, his broad shoulders outlining the thick black coat and wearing his beloved fedora. Shock caused her to drop her mug, the ceramic cup shattering to bits as it hits the floor, but Liz didn't notice, nor did she care. All she could manage was an unblinking stare, trying to register the fact that it was really him, that he was really here.
Finding the energy to turn and run, she dashed outside without thinking, only one thing on her mind: She needed to touch him.
Red dropped the luggage in the snow and holds out his arms as she flung herself at him, nearly knocking him down. At once she inhales his familiar scent, cries out his name, then clings to him for dear life as both of them are overcome with emotions.
He'd made a deal with the FBI. His empire and the Cabal's for their freedom and it had included a charade to fake his death and convince his enemies to believe that he was gone for good. Of course he had put away enough money to maintain his extravagant lifestyle prior to that and had been gone for a while in order to tie together some loose ends and to address certain issues personally.
He had come to see her now for closure, one last talk that wouldn't leave him so miserable and broken-hearted in the future. To properly say good-bye and then leave forever. It had felt like a déjà vu, being in this situation again after all these years, once again leaving a loved one behind.
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He'd expected that she wouldn't want to see him, prepared for her rejection, maybe another round of anger, of hurt, but not this, never this.
He cherished her fragile form against him, noticing too late that she was dressed only in her nightgown and is barefoot, before she goes limp in his arms.
Red carried her inside the house and up to her bedroom. He placed her gently on the bed and covered her with the soft, heavy blankets. He stripped down until his shirt and boxer shorts remain and climbed into bed with her, pulling her tightly against him in an attempt to have his body heat warm her.
She was so cold and pale, so thin and frail, his heart and chest clenched in distress at the sight of her. Red wondered if he would ever stop feeling guilty and responsible for her suffering.
Unable to close his eyes, he listened to her breathe for long moments, to savor the momentary closeness. This may be all they ever have.
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Consciousness returned slowly to Liz. Opening her eyes, she found herself looking straight into his beautiful green orbs. The eyes that she has missed so deeply these past months. Tears threaten to fall again.
"You're alive …"
A shaky hand touched his face, to make sure he was real, flesh and bone. Red can't bear her tears, his frazzled heart torn even more. He longed to make it all better, so he pulled her half on top of him, feeling her cling to him for hours, neither finding the strength to let go.
Slight touches eventually turned into shy kisses and their eventual lovemaking is slow and gentle, content to just feel the other in the most intimate way, so close, so overwhelming, that Liz wept with emotion. All he can do is touch her, kiss her, hold her in his arms, whisper words of love and apologies and promises to make her happy for the rest of his life. Each careful thrust intends to sew, glue, staple all the broken pieces of their hearts back together. They know they have to let go of their despair this way in order to move on and heal. And even Red who has been holding it together for almost three decades isn't prepared when he shatters inside her, and he weeps along with her. Every feeling so long hidden, so long opposed, so long denied, so long supressed.
When she finally asked him to stay all his thoughts of leaving for good are already forgotten.
He awoke to her smiling face. Liz had been watching him since the early morning dawn as she still can't quite believe he was alive and with her now. Maybe she could stop missing and mourning him now. Maybe she could begin to be happy again. With him. It never once occured to her that she should be upset at him all over again for letting her believe that he was dead. All that matters is Red. Right here. Right now.
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Red cared for her painstakingly, made sure she ate properly, laughed wholeheartedly and constantly. They talk for days, sorting out every pain, every hurtful word, every action and reaction. He struggled most days to be more open and finally, opened up to her about his cruel past and all the secrets regarding her parents. With Liz in his arms, his revelations were easier to discuss and reveal.
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When she is finally able, Red whisked her away to travel around the world for many weeks. Liz flourished and grew more beautiful every day. They are finally free, blissful, and very much in love.
They were married in a tiny quaint church in Ireland's rocky coast.
Christmas comes once again when Liz announced to him one cold, snowy morning:
"Red, I'm pregnant!"
Their life from that day on was one of complete happiness. A life that Liz's mother always wished for her daughter.
The End
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Notes: Thank you to my beta-reader Heather Peters to make me finish this after the comic #3 featured the same theme and I found myself highly disencouraged.