Rating: M

Genre: Tragedy / Hurt / Romance / Lime / Alternative Reality

Warning: Character Death / Man x Man

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything of ToX.

Summary: After the battle in the Marsh Alvin finds Jude lying on the ground... This is a scene with a "What if" effect. This time with: What if Gaius and company wouldn´t have found Jude in the Marsh all alone, but Alvin. And Jude wouldn´t have been injured but dead. And what if Alvin and Jude had feelings for each other (even a somewhat proper relationship)?

A/N: Jude is older in this. I don´t know anyways why the protagonists always have to be teens of 15/16 years, if you just wanna couple them, because their cool. Can´t do that if it´s against the law... So, Jude is older. 18/19 or something like that. Legal at any rate.

When I Lost You

Alvin x Jude

Alvin stumbled over every rock in his path. He was exhausted from all that had happened and he really wished he could have simply stayed in bed that day. Dreamily he remembered about this morning, when he had Jude all snuggled up against him, and smiled in that cheeky fashion of his, which the younger always glared at him for. It was ironic, this scene in his mind, when one considered what he saw the moment he turned the next corner.

Jude was lying on the ground with his face right against it and a pool of blood around him. The brunette stopped dead in his tracks, frozen for a few seconds, until realization hit him.

"Shit," he cursed under his breath and ran towards the body.

Carefully picked he the younger up into his arms and turned him around. Jude was covered in deep wounds, his eyes closed and no breath left the already cold, limp body. Alvin registered all that in his mind and he knew what it meant, however was he not willing to accept it as the truth.

"Hey! Hey, Jude! Wake up!"

He shook him repeatedly, while with every passing second, his eyes filled with tears.

"Wake up! You have no time to sleep yet, kid!"

Of course, got he no response and of course, was the boy not rousing from his "sleep" either. Alvin´s hands clenched around the shoulders of Jude and after a long time in his life shed the mercenary tears. Tears full of sadness, which he normally used to ignore and got over it. But this time was the pain far too deep.

He never had intended to get this close to the boy and certainly had he never wanted to... fall in love with him, he realized now. Yes, he had loved Jude Mathis – the honor student, genius and always proper guy, who was determined and yet wavered so much, who was so kind and gentle and yet hard as steel – just that boy who had stumbled into all this mess by coincidence.

The tears finally swamped over his eyes and they poured down his cheeks while the man´s body trembled. And then a heart wrenching cry carved its path through his throat and into the open, echoing through the air, delivering the sad message to the world. So many memories flooded his mind and made him remember that no matter what happened now, there were no more to come.

~ToX~ Flashbacks ~Tox~

He watched from a distance as the ground collapsed, inside the laboratory, how Maxwell fell and he was more than surprised to see the student of the medical school jump right after her. That kid had guts, Alvin thought as he weaseled his way out the building.

When he next caught sight of the pair, they were surrounded by the military. Maxwell said a quick goodbye to the boy and jumped onto a departing ship to Auj-Oule, leaving the confused student behind, not certain what to do. It seemed like he didn´t want to leave the God turned woman alone, but didn´t want to go against the law either. A little late there, the mercenary-spy thought as he jumped into the fray.

Alvin grabbed the kid and started running at full speed, jumped onto crates and ever higher up. He found it curious how light the boy felt in his arms. The raven was trained after all, Alvin could feel it through the clothes – steeled muscles, trained in hand to hand combat - and a shiver ran down his spine. He gave the kid a quick once over when they had landed on the ship and now noticed that he was fairly handsome – beautiful even one might think.

The mercenary didn´t often entertain himself with other males, mostly just out of necessity when a beauty couldn´t be found or when a job required it, but he definitely wouldn´t mind a go with the amber eyed youth. He gave the raven a flirtatious wink when he introduced himself and almost patted himself on the shoulder, when he was rewarded with a pretty blush on light cheeks.

The kid composed himself fairly quickly though and Alvin was a bit disappointed. He wouldn´t mind seeing more of the student, especially in embarrassment. A smirk crept upon his handsome face. He would have so much fun on this mission.

~ToX~

Alvin took every opportunity he could get to make the younger male blush. It sort of turned into a hobby on their journey. On the way to Nia Khera, when Milla left them alone for a while – or a long time, really for HOURS actually – couldn´t the mercenary differently than not drag the younger into the water and try to harass him a bit. Who wouldn´t honestly, when he got pretty blushes with wide eyes, or cute stuttered sentences from kissable lips?

"Come on, Jude. Just a quick dip, nothing more."

"No, Alvin! There are monsters in there – BIG monsters – remember?"

"They won´t show up at the shore, you scaredy cat. Or maybe you just can´t swim?"

Alvin cocked a challenging eyebrow at that and a grin. The result was instantaneously as Jude huffed with narrowed eyes and an expression that almost said:

"Please~, really? How childish can you get?"

"Come on, prove it or I´ll tell Milla that you can´t swim and make her believe it, too. Bet she would want to teach you."

"She KNOWS I can swim, Alvin."

"I´m sure I can convince her."

And as silly as that sounded, Jude believed him. The brunette had something that just made you believe the most ridiculous things. Or at least made him believe it as long as he didn´t know better - like pink dragons ate sugar stars in order to get that color, because they were actually transvestites.

Jude still rolled his eyes at that and had smacked Alvin in the stomach to make him double over. He had really nice friends who lived in that fashion, liked it and were happy – not funny.

"Fine. I´ll get in the water as long as you stop this dumb argument."

"Deal, kid!" Alvin grinned as he tucked at the half undressed Jude and tossed him into the water.

The amber eyed youth came sputtering through the waters surface, glaring daggers at the brunette, who laughed loudly. Jude immediately splashed water at Alvin who was now the one sputtering water out with an indignant look on his face. Then he smiled charmingly – which threw Jude off – and jumped at the honor student, who yellped as he fell back into the more shallow water on shore.

Alvin pinned his hands above his head with one hand and had the other beside the muscled torso as support in the sand. The mercenary smirked as he lowered his head down beside Jude´s ear and felt a shudder go through the younger as his smooth voice whispered, seductively:

"Bad kids get punished, you know."

He then kissed the raven haired´s neck and bit lightly into it. Alvin had just wanted to tease a bit, but when that action had elicited a moan from the shorter males lips shot it directly to the mercenary´s groin. The brunette wanted to groan as he stared into misty amber eyes turned almost golden and had to remember himself that the student was a damn virgin with zero experience. Not his lover or bought escort for the night or that this was necessary for his mission.

"Ah, shit..." he cursed before he connected their lips.

Alvin hungrily kissed Jude as the younger moaned into it. The brunette didn´t waste time and pushed his tongue right in as soon as he got the chance. They battle for dominance for a while till Jude relinquished it willingly, letting the older explore him with trained ease.

They came panting apart and the normally blue clad youth was sexily flushed and writhing in Alvin´s hands. Damn, the kid had more sex appeal than was good for him. And the mercenary practically growled as he dove back into the fray, devouring Jude like there was no tomorrow.

The next time he saw Jude awake and able to move was he almost kicked and punched senseless by a very agitated and embarrassed honor student, stuttering confessions to him.

He couldn´t help himself but smile at the kid as he kissed him between an evaded punch and said smirking:

"I´ll take responsibility, ok?"

And Jude had just flushed more with a murmured:

"I hope so for your own sake."

~ToX~ End of Flashbacks ~ToX~

Still grieving he practically clung to Jude´s body. Trembling with tears and cramps that shook his body violently. It wasn´t fair! It just wasn´t fair! What had the kid ever done to deserve a death like this? Remembering his betrayals, his lies and the many people he had killed cold blooded throughout his life, he wished he could give his life instead, deserving that fate of his beloved far more than anyone else.

When Alvin felt the ground beneath him shake as if it was about to crumble he moved not, only lowered Jude´s body down onto his legs as if just letting him sleep in his lap like he had sometimes done. Suddenly however was he hurriedly pulled back by hands he new far too well.

"No! Let go of me! Presea, let go!"

As Alvin had yelled that, caved the ground in under Jude and pulled him down into the raging waters beneath the earth. The mercenary stared wide eyed at the spot where the boy had laid just seconds before and he clenched his teeth, while more tears wet his cheeks, leaving a trail.

"Al," Presea softly whispered to him. "It was already too late. He was dead. You should-"

"Don´t say that!"

Yelling those words in pain he swiftly turned and grabbed her arms violently, the blue clad woman wincing shortly, because of the pain.

"He wasn´t-! He shouldn´t-! He can´t-. Make it stop..." Alvin whimpered with a pained expression, letting go of the blond and slumping to the ground, clenching a fist above his heart.

"Oh, dear. He lost it," Agrea mumbled while shaking her head.

All of the Chameriad and King Gaius, looked down upon Alvin, mostly with gazes of understanding pain.

"Alvin, come with us for now. I´ll help you, okay?"

Presea carefully took his arm and pulled him onto his feet. The mercenary did not care anymore. What did it matter? Whatever happened, happened. And with that thought in mind trudged he along behind the King and the others. For all he cared now, could the universe simply disappear. Empty, just like his burned out heart, took he one last glance back at the hole in the ground, which had swallowed up Jude and his eyes now turned just as hollow as his heart.

"When I lost you, I lost everything," he whispered and moved onwards, simply being a shell of a human that still breathed contradicting its death.

The End