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Tifa sighed, shrugging her ebony hair over her shoulder as she continued to clean the dishes diligently. The piles of dishes had stacked up at a surprisingly fast rate for a Sunday as her loyal customers drank and ate to their hearts content, and needless to say Tifa had her work cut out for her. All that mattered however was that the customers had come to Seventh Heaven hungry and left full and satisfied.
At the sound of their cheery laughter and teasing, Tifa glanced up at Denzel and Marlene across the room. They had volunteered to help Tifa out with the cleaning after the customers had left, but as always their good intentions were soon forgotten.
A smile played across her lips for a brief moment before Tifa lowered her eyes once more and resumed her scrubbing. She twisted the faucet so a stream of clean water gushed out and she rinsed the plate before placing it with the rest of the clean dishware and grabbing a dirty dish to clean.
Scrub. Rinse. Repeat.
It was the same thing in and day out; nothing new or changed, just the same old routine and the same old people. Not that she minded that because she loved her job and serving people. It was more or less the vacancy of a particular individual that made her days appear to be unbearably long and lonesome.
It was rather pathetic; this much Tifa had acknowledged long ago. How was it that one person could have so much power over another to dominate their every passing thought? The feeling wasn't anything that Tifa was a stranger to, but in the long hours of cleaning the bar or mulling over her life as she drank in despair at some godforsaken hour, Tifa had finally convinced herself that her feelings about Cloud were single handedly destroying her life.
Tifa paused from her work, absently letting the lukewarm water run over her hands. How long has it been since she had last seen Cloud? Since she had heard his voice? Five months? It seemed longer than that.
Needless to say it hurt. Cloud had just up and left her and the kids without so much as a goodbye. Tifa had put a good front for the kids and did her best to soldier on, but it was a never-ending agony to watch how Cloud's absence affected Denzel and Marlene. Those kids loved him dearly, and looked up to him as if the world revolved around him. Nearly every day, Denzel or Marlene would come up to Tifa just to ask her when Cloud was coming back or if he had called. Everyday her reply was the same; "He'll be back before you know it, you'll see. Cloud loves us and wouldn't abandon us ever."
But the thing was, Tifa did feel abandoned. Leaving them once had been hard enough, but to leave them for a second time? How much more was Tifa supposed to take of all of this? How forgiving and accepting could she be when Cloud and his elusive behavior was wearing her so thin? She had given him her everything, and this was how he returned her love.
He wouldn't come. She knew he wouldn't. The fact that it was taking him this long to confront his demons, even just his inability to call and let her know what was in his head, made it all the more clearer.
As much as Tifa would have preferred to have pushed all the blame on Cloud, in her heart of hearts, Tifa felt as if she were to blame. Perhaps if she hadn't pushed him too far, he wouldn't have gotten spooked and left. Perhaps it had been her who had forced him away from her forever. Everything from the night before he left was raw in her mind, her stomach tightening as a wave of nausea flushed through her. Shaking, Tifa's fingers made their way to the facets, turning off the water as and leaning against the counter to get a grip of herself. Her eyes remained trained on Denzel Marlene, who too wrapped up in their own childish games and chatter to notice her sudden strange behavior. Tifa relaxed some after a while, but on the inside she still felt as though every cell in her body was electrocuted.
Against her better judgment, it had happened again. And by it, of course Tifa was referring to the night she had made love to Cloud. How it had happened again, neither of them would ever know. One minute they were cleaning up broken glass, and in the next they were wrapped up in Cloud's bed inside of one another. Alcohol had no doubt played a huge contributing role in all of this, but the words Tifa had said and the love she had given to Cloud, all of that was all her. It had always been her.
Forcing herself to block out the groggy memories, Tifa resumed cleaning the dishes, hoping to lose herself in the monotonous cycle. To her frustration however, the stacks of dishes were always one dish too small and there were suddenly not enough things to occupy her mind with. Around quarter past ten, Tifa had tucked the protestant, yet sleepy eyed children into bed. After telling them a bedtime story and kissing their precious foreheads, Tifa smiled to them as she stood in the doorway and turned off the lights. Upon returning downstairs to the bar, Tifa felt unsatisfied and lonely again. She cleaned aimlessly before giving up and retreating into her own quarters with no resolve of falling asleep.
"Do you love me?"
Cloud's eyes snapped towards her in bewilderment. "What?"
There was a moment of hesitant silence, but Tifa's gaze never wavered. Her gaze was critical and more forceful than the way she normally regarded Cloud. She repeated her question. "Do you love me?"
Cloud stared back, his bright eyes widening as the weight of Tifa's question finally resonated inside of him. He opened his mouth slowly to reply, but his reply came was too little to late. Fearing the sense of immanent rejection, devastation consumed Tifa's face.
She shook her head dismissively and pulled her body away from Cloud. His heart sank. "Please," she told him evenly, "Just forget I just asked that." And with that she drained what remained in her wineglass.
Even though he knew he should have said something, watching Tifa get herself drunk was all Cloud could do. He couldn't even bring himself to stop Tifa from reckless drinking or apologize for being so timid at her question. It simply proved that he really wasn't fit to be with people.
Cloud's head was spinning wildly. Everything was happening too fast, or maybe his reaction time was just too slow. Their conversation had escalated from asking about the delivery service, to talking about the kids, and now she was demanding of him whether or not he loved her? What had she expected of him? What could he have done? How could he fix this?
"Stupid really," Tifa was muttering to herself, her glass replenished again as she raised it to her lips. "But I guess that's the kind of person I must be to put myself through these delusions for so damn long."
"Tifa…" he mused softly.
Again, Cloud had the perfect opportunity to speak up and recite the words that swelled inside his chest. But he did nothing to convince Tifa of his sincerity.
Tifa watched him critically as she lowered her glass to the table they were sitting at together. How was it that they could be so close and yet miles apart? Lowering her gaze shamefully, Tifa stood without saying a word. She moved around the bar counter with familiarity as she selected a bottle of Van Gogh from her inventory and began to help herself to something harder to drink.
Nothing he did was right. The knowledge that Cloud was the one doing this to Tifa, forcing her to drink like this, was unbearable. It was all his fault.
Tifa downed one glass and was beginning to pour her second when Cloud had finally had enough. "Tifa stop this."
She glanced towards him, strangely furious. As if to prove a point then, she insolently put back her entire drink.
Cloud shook his head as he stood and walked directly to Tifa when she ignored his insistence and was moving on to her third. Now that he was closer, he could see her entire body was trembling as she filled her glass, splashes of vodka hitting the countertop and against the sides of the glass. Drawing his breath resolutely, Cloud grabbed Tifa's wrist firmly and tried to pry the drink away from her. Bitterly, she resisted him with sharp reflexes and pushed him backwards so he slammed against the bar.
"What the hell are you doing?" she demanded of him as she staggered backwards herself to get away.
Cloud's gaze was steady and even as he took a step nearer again. "Stopping you from making a mistake you'll regret tomorrow."
At that, Tifa almost sneered at him, throwing her head back with an arrogant laugh before meeting his gaze again with unfriendly eyes. "Too late for that," she slurred.
Her words hurt more than Cloud had expected them too. Nevertheless, even in her drunken state, Tifa was right. Falling for him was a mistake, and Cloud didn't have it in him to contradict her.
"I don't like you drinking like this Tifa," he said instead, his voice low and grim. "You have to stop. You're not acting like yourself. Think about if Marlene or Denzel saw you? How do you think they'd react?"
That was when Tifa finally lost it. Her breathing came out in heated puffs as her enraged eyes darkened with the most unsuiting cruelty. "You must have some nerve to suddenly act like you care about Denzel and Marlene. You don't care, Cloud-"
"I do care" Cloud cut in, his voice rising at her.
But Tifa was already shaking her head with the same incredulous stare as before. "You've never cared. You've never given them the time of day. You waltz in and out of here whenever you please because let's face it Cloud, you'd rather be anywhere but here. You entertain them when it's convenient for you, but that's not what a family is. It's not! A family is always there for one another!"
Unnerved at her comments, Cloud was hesitant before retorting in a quieter voice, "…That doesn't mean that I don't care about you three. I have a job that keeps me busy all day."
"And what? I just sit around and do nothing?" Tifa exclaimed.
Cloud shook his head, "Tifa, that's different." The bar was essentially part of their house, so of course Tifa was always home and with the kids.
"But that's not the point!" Tifa cried out with frustration, tears mixing with her words, "Cloud, don't you see? You're never home. You've never been here! You're not a part of this family right here and you've never cared to be! Working and brining home money is great and you keep a roof over our heads, but it's not enough! Don't you get that?! I don't care about those things. All I've ever wanted was to make this place a home together. With you!"
Tifa huffed her breath as Cloud stared at her with a dumfounded expression. "Let me ask you something. Did you ever love me? When we were kids, or even when we were together that night?"
When Cloud couldn't come up with a reply, and Tifa gave up. "Just forget it Cloud. Forget all about it." Still holding the bottle of Van Gogh and her glass of straight vodka, she tried to move past Cloud to sit back down at the table. But Cloud didn't let her get any further.
With Cloud firmly clenching her bicep, Tifa glared up at him before attempting to shake him off. "Let go," she snarled. When Cloud shook his head in quiet defiance, she exploded again, "Leave me alone!"
"Not until you stop drinking."
Tifa glared at him silently, wrestling against his grip. Finally her eyes began to produce tears as she slammed her fist against his chest, drenching it with vodka. Rivers of grief and frustration flowed down her face, and they wouldn't stop. "Cloud let me go, please! Please!" she began to shriek like he was suffocating her. "Haven't you already done enough to me? I don't tell you to do anything, so just let me drink!"
Watching her like this was a strain, and Cloud was almost tempted to let her go. But he would have never forgiven himself if he had. Even if she hated him for it—if she didn't already hate him now that is— Cloud wouldn't let her do this to herself. He wasn't going to lose her to drinking. He didn't want to lose her ever.
But that was just the thing; He was losing her. Maybe not to alcohol per se, but he was losing her.
It was now that he saw that he had been losing her for a long time. How had he not seen sooner that she was slowly slipping away from him? Soon she would be gone and he would have lost her forever.
In a moment of distraction, Tifa had managed to break free from Cloud. But Cloud regained control of himself, chasing after her as he tried to pull the bottle away from her persistent grasp. They struggled angrily and in one clumsy moment one Tifa's part, the half emptied bottle shattered to the floor, spitting shards of glass in every which way. The liquor itself gushed out from the stump of what was left of the bottle, soaking Tifa and Cloud's shoes as it gathered around their feet.
Tifa cursed as she went to get a rag to mop up the spoiled drink and Cloud rushed in to assist her. He knelt down to the floor and swept up the jagged shards in his hands as Tifa stoop down beside him and trapped the pool of clear liquor from spreading. They cleaned in silence, avoiding one another's gaze until Cloud realized Tifa had stopped cleaning up the glass.
Confused, he watched as she sat in the middle of the floor and examined fragments of the broken bottle. She pinched them between her index finger and thumb and then folded them in her palm. There was silence before Cloud heard the strangled sounds of her sobbing.
Setting the pile of glass aside, Cloud moved towards Tifa tensely. She acted as if he wasn't there. Cloud took his chances and soothingly rested his hand on her back. Her voice hitched at his touch. Without looking at him, Tifa shook her head. But before she could say anything, Cloud abruptly pulled her into his arms and held her against his chest protectively. Every muscle in her body repelled against him, and then relaxed in accordance with a sequence of blubbering sobs.
"I hate you," Tifa told him, her words muffled against her shirt. She coughed and shook her head as she tried to pull away from Cloud suddenly, as if just remembering who she was clinging to.
Supporting her with a guiding hand on her back, Cloud let Tifa pull away ever so slightly so he could meet her eyes. "No you don't," he told her.
Tifa nodded tearfully, "Oh yes I do." Before the entire sentence was out of her mouth, Tifa was grabbing at the sides of Cloud's face as she smushed her lips against his. Hungrily, she kissed him again without realizing that Cloud wasn't kissing her back with the same ferocity. In truth, he wanted this just as badly as Tifa did, but he wasn't going to take advantage of her while they had both probably had too much to drink.
"Tifa," he mumbled breathily against her lips, trying to pull back and resist the way she tasted. She was so heavenly, so intoxicating. Her hot, alcohol stained pants breathed new life into him, daring him to surrender and kiss her back. He swallowed and licked his lips, inevitably making contact with Tifa's in the process. Still he tried to tell himself that this was mistake. That what they were doing would only hurt Tifa even more.
Tifa's wet and shiny lips traveled down from his lips, sucking at his neck and letting her lips and teeth linger just above the neckline of Cloud's shirt. A shiver of pleasure rushed through Cloud, the hand that had been resting numbly on Tifa's back suddenly knotted into her thick glossy hair. Tifa's lips returned to Cloud's mouth and he eagerly parted his lips as her tongue slipped inside. And with that, Cloud was out of excuses.
Tifa stopped, letting her head fall back as Cloud continued to kiss her. This time, it was he whose lips sucked and kissed every inch of exposed smooth skin. Moans of contentment escaped her trembling lips as her hands slipped beneath Cloud's shirt and savoringly felt every millimeter of his abdominal. Grabbing a fist full of his shirt from the inside, Tifa pulled Cloud closer as their lips joined in union once more, and she lost herself with their wild passionate kisses.
Cloud scoped her up in his arms bridal style, kissing her breathily as he stumbled up the stairs towards bedroom. They bumbled against the walls, picture frames chattering as they made their way up to the second floor and crossed the distance to Cloud's room. He grouped for the door handle and led them into their room as he pushed his weight against the door. Staggering forward, Cloud lowered Tifa and spread her long lean body across the bed. He broke the connection finally, his eyes tracing every feature in Tifa's face. Her eyes glowed at him through the darkness, and poisonous desire instantly made him want to be near her. Trembling with anticipation, Tifa dragged him bodily on top of her and Cloud's body complied with her request. It was something that Cloud could deny her.
"Tell me you love me," she breathed finally once they had both come. She stared up at Cloud, shivering furiously as they rode the aftershocks and gasped together in a collapsed pile of sweaty, naked limbs. A hiss of pleasure filled Tifa's throat and Cloud kissed her slowly and savoringly, not wanting this moment to end. "Tell me you love me," she repeated again in breathless anticipation.
And Cloud could not deny. "I love you…"
Tifa pulled the covers up to her neck as she stared up at the ceiling, helplessly defeated by insomnia. At night, everything can into full focus and was inescapable. Rotating sleeping position gave her some solace, but not enough to rid herself of the images that was were engraved into her mind.
Exhaling slowly, Tifa closed her eyes for a moment. Her eyes burned from forcing them open all these hours, but she couldn't risk seeing Cloud again in her dreams. It was too much. She missed him so much she could almost still feel his securing arms wrapped around her and hear his voice whispering her name like a mantra against her hair. Shamefully, Tifa groaned and forcefully held over her head under the covers and resolved to stay under there for as long as possible.
Sometime later, a low rumble was thought to be heard sputtering to a halt just outside. Instinctively, Tifa sat upright in her bed at the familiar noise, her senses on high alert. She waited, and waited some more for another sound to reassure her it wasn't all in her head. It couldn't be him…
Could it?
Tifa frowned pensively as she hesitantly gripped the edge of her sheet, ready to peel it off of her at any given second. But to do what? Run into his arms full of love and forgiveness and continue to excuse all the pain and misery Cloud continuously put her through? That was even saying that he was actually back. And if he was back, how long would it be for this time?
Tifa's heart clenched at the sound of the doorknob twisting downstairs and creak open. Her heart raced madly and her sweaty grip of her bed sheets tightened anxiously as she heard his slow familiar footsteps crossing the room beneath her floorboards.
It really was him.
Moving on deft tiptoes, Tifa slipped out of bed and padded from her bedroom to the top of the staircase. She took the first few steps with confidence, but then froze. What was she doing? She was running back into his arms just like she had promised herself that she wouldn't. Besides, did she really want to face him right now? But before she could turn back, there he was.
Her heart pounding more wildly than before, their eyes locked in a moment of comparable shock and eagerness. But there was also irritation of Tifa's half, and the longer she held his gaze, the greater the concentration of the emotion revealed itself to be. "What are you doing here?" Tifa asked in a hushed voice of surprise, but as it left her mouth, her words sounded accusatory. Rude even.
Cloud's brow furrowed ever so slightly with confusion, but his face fore the most part remained unreadable. "I came back."
Tifa regarded him with an unsuiting coldness. Gone was her usual warmth and smiles. She didn't say anything, her eyes swiveling towards Denzel and Marlene's room. She didn't want to escalate into a fight with him, which she knew they would if she said anything more.
"Tifa?"
Turning her attention towards him again with uncertainty, Tifa remained solemn as she watched him climb up the steps to close the distance between them. She looked…grim almost to him, and it was an unnerving sight for Cloud to behold.
"What's wrong?" he demanded, his voice breaking above a whisper. When she shook her head, Cloud implored her further, something he normally would never do. "Tifa please talk to me. I haven't seen you in months… Did something happen?"
Tifa tried not to bristle at his comment, but it was near impossible. How dare he say something that insensitive, like it was Tifa's fault they had had such horrible communication in their relationship. In case he had forgotten, Tifa had been the one who had tirelessly left him dozens of voicemails without reply.
She shook her head firmly, keeping her voice low so not to disturb Denzel and Marlene's rest. "Cloud I'm too tired for this," she told him quietly, "I don't want to talk right now."
Cloud kept her gaze but said nothing. Finally Tifa managed a polite, yet emotionless smile. "Goodnight though."
Knowing he'd regret letting her go again, Cloud caught her wrist as she began to climb the stairs. The way he did so was not dissimilar to the way he had stopped her on that night many months ago. Her stare was even but she said nothing.
"Why are you acing like this?" he asked her stoically.
"You mean like how you were acting when you left?" The words flooded out before she could stop them. But even when crushing despair flooded to Cloud's face, Tifa didn't regret her words. It felt good to say what was in her mind rather than holding it in all the time. Too long she had been doing this and letting herself get screwed over, time and time again. And she was sick of staying quiet and feeling empty and alone. She wasn't going to endure the silence any longer.
Tifa waited to see if Cloud would say anything more. "Cloud, I already told you. It's too late to get into all of this. We can talk when Denzel and Marlene are at school."
He paused, seeming like he was going to back down, but then he said, "Tifa please, it's important. You don't have to say anything, but I need you to listen."
Tifa shook her head unsurely. Realistically, she knew it was impossible to just shut Cloud out forever, but right now, she just couldn't put herself through this. For a long time, Tifa had waited for a chance like this for Cloud to understand what it felt like to be hopelessly devoted to a person whose love was solely based on convenience. She wanted him to know that she was not the same person as when he left. That she was stronger and that she would no longer be such an easy target for his awkward charms and shy affection; that she was a woman who demanded to be respected and cherished and never forsaken.
Cloud's eyes lowered to the floor. He was silent for a long time, and the undeniable curiosity burning inside of her was the only reason Tifa remained where she was.
"…You can't even begin to understand what I've been through," Cloud began, instinctively sensing how tense his comment had made Tifa when he looked up to meet her eyes again remorsefully, "Not that it's any consideration for leaving you all here. I want you to forgive me…for everything."
Tifa relaxed slightly, her eyes anxiously flittering around again before beckoning Cloud to go back downstairs. His eyes flashed with dim confusion, but he retreated down the stairs with Tifa following in tow. She moved around him once they had both reach the bottom and she led him into the backroom and shut the door behind the both of them.
"I don't want Denzel and Marlene waking up because of this," she repeated. She looked terribly tired with the bags under her eyes and her hair was all tousled. Tifa brushed her raven hair out of her eyes and tried to smooth them behind her ears and then folded her arms across her chest. She waited, and then beckoned Cloud to go on with a wave of her hand. "Go on, what was so urgent that you needed me to hear?"
Cloud exhaled, his weary appearance not looking any better than Tifa's. He must have been driving all through the night just to make it here.
"I never told you why I left," Cloud finally spoke up and Tifa looked to him tersely, but nodded for him to go on. He sighed again, rubbing the back of his neck to buy time as his eyes panned around the storage room and the rows of alcoholic beverages. "I figure I owe you that much. I don't want you to ever think that any of it was ever your fault. It was mine, and I took advantage of you. What happened… was unforgivable and I'm..." Cloud's gaze returned to find Tifa watching him with an unreadable expression, her arms still folded. Her expression softened slightly and her eyes shifted to the side, avoiding Cloud's.
Cloud shook his head, "I don't trust myself with you. When I woke up and realized what I had done, I knew I couldn't stay. I failed to protect you… I'm sorry."
After several minutes with no reply, Cloud's eyes rose in Tifa's direction, willing her to say something. She was watching him again, with guarded curiosity and doubt.
"Is that it?" she asked, and he nodded. Tifa's eyes lowered and she nodded slowly with understanding, only then to shake her head. "But why? Why did you just leave and not even tell me where you were going?" she paused. "You just can't do that to people, Cloud!" She implored him with her eyes. "Your idea of protecting me is running away and avoiding me, but if you had any clue, you'd realize that leaving hurt me a thousand times more than anything else you could have done."
Cloud shook his head, "I didn't want that. I wanted your forgiveness."
Raw pain was unfiltered in Tifa's eyes. He wanted repentance for their cheap one night stand, and thought torturing himself with the guilt in self-isolation would be enough to redeem himself in her eyes? "You left me. Again. You did it to me again after promising me you'd stay."
"I was burden here," Cloud said darkly, "There was no point in me staying when all I was doing here was causing everyone pain. I didn't want that for any of you. I thought you would all be better off without me here. I wasn't going to hang around and watch you ruin your life. You were turning into an alcoholic."
Tifa winced at this, regrettably remembering how her father had drowned all his trouble in whisky after mom had died. Uneasily, she retorted, "…B-But what made you think that leaving would fix that? How were you so sure that it wouldn't get worse?"
"You were drinking because you were mad at me."
"Yes," Tifa exclaimed with exasperation, "I was mad and drank because you were never home! Because whenever you'd come home, it was always too late and I was sick of waiting. I had given up. That's why."
For some reason, Cloud seemed almost shocked at this confession. As Tifa stared upon his face, she found that she was as equally stunned that he had been so utterly clueless for all this time. How had he not known? Cloud opened his mouth, but Tifa went on before he could get a word in.
"You honestly thought I'd be better off without you?" she asked, her voice hushed and mystified. Her confusion lingered, but was replaced with a flash of hurt, "So why come back now after all this time?"
Cloud wanted with all his heart to be able to have the self-confidence to look into Tifa's eyes and steal away her pain and apologize for all the times he failed her. To tell her the real reason he had returned. But the best he could manage was a lame, "I'm sorry."
Tifa fixed her eyes on him and she tiredly disregarded his apology. "Sorry doesn't fix anything Cloud." He couldn't possibly have believed that everything would be the same between them and they could go on like nothing had happened? Maybe he could live carelessly like that, but she couldn't.
Steeling himself, Cloud shook his head, "Tifa…let me explain." He exhaled, looking towards Tifa with exasperation. Suddenly, even though he had her complete undivided attention, he found himself with absolutely nothing to say. Regardless he had to try and say something.
"I've always known I was a coward. The last thing I wanted was for me to be a coward in front of you, but…" she shook his head dishonorably. He was silent for a long time gathering his thoughts, and Tifa didn't pressure him. Finally he looked to her directly. "Good things don't last for me Tifa. I've ruined everything I've ever had, and don't know how to make things last. After Meteor, I didn't think I'd be able to stand to be around anyone for a long time… but you forced me along and got me back on my feet. Then Marlene and Denzel came, and things began to feel okay again."
Tifa frowned pensively when he paused, but dared not to interrupt or distract him. It was obvious he was uncomfortable enough talking about this.
"This right here—you, Denzel, and Marlene—was all I'd ever wanted. And I didn't know it until it became my life. Suddenly everything my life made sense. And it scared me. The happier we became, the harder it became to handle—"
"And you tried to end it before you messed up and lost us over something terrible," Tifa finished for him, her eyes watching him knowingly. They held one another's gaze for a long time, as if remembering that they knew one another better than they even knew themselves.
Deep down she had understood it all along; he had just wanted to slip away quietly, without causing any fuss, and thought it would be the most painless way to end both of their sufferings. It was both the most selfless and selfish thing a person could do.
Tifa shook her head imperceptibly, "I know… It scares me too Cloud," she said softly. She paused. "When you feel like you finally get everything you want, you risk losing it all and having nothing." Tifa drew a long, strained sigh as she shook her head again, "Cloud—"
"I never wanted to leave you, either of the times. It's something I'm always going to regret doing and I don't deserve your forgiveness. I know that." Cloud looked down and his voice returned to a low whisper. "There wasn't a moment when I wasn't thinking of you. I heard and read every message you sent me…"
Tifa observed him carefully and after a long time she finally spoke up. "I still don't understand Cloud. You've told me all of this, but…" she shook her head. For as long as she'd known Cloud, he'd always been poor at opening up and sharing his thoughts. Now, his attempts to confess them all to her came out in sporadic blurbs that only ignited more questions.
"Why?" Tifa pondered aloud to him again, "Why are you back?" If he'd heard and read the messages surely he would have known how upset she was that he had left and how badly she wanted him to come home.
Their eyes locked in silence. "Because I don't want to lose you anymore."
You never did, Tifa wanted to say. But she did not.
Cloud watched her, "I'm always going to be that coward Tifa that you hate. Give it time, and I may run off again. I wanted to be stronger for you, someone who could protect you… That's why I left. I tried, but I can't do that. I just don't know what else I can do… I just…I do know though that I want to be with you for as long as possible."
With nothing more to say, Cloud exhaled nervously and waited for Tifa to say something as they lapsed into an unbearably long stretch of silence. He dug his hands into his deep pockets despondently, keeping his eyes downcast as Tifa did the same.
After what seemed like forever, Tifa's faint voice broke through their apprehensive silence.
"You were right, by the way… about my drinking." Cloud looked up towards her again just. She held his gaze until it was all too much to take. Shamefully she hid her face, her eyes unable to meet Cloud's as her hands unconsciously went to her stomach. "…I stopped a while after you left."
Cloud nodded encouragingly to her, relived she had put the terrible habit to bed. He went to speak, when finally it dawn on him the significance of Tifa's sudden sobriety to the way Tifa was holding her stomach right now. Suddenly, Cloud thought he was going to be sick. He shook his head slowly, incredulously, refusing to believe that Tifa was…that they were…
Cloud's voice was a mess when he spoke up, "…Tifa, you're not…?"
Before Cloud could even finish his sentence, Tifa's chest heaved a hard, shuddering breath, and as her shoulders collapsed back down, tears filled her eyes. Cloud's heart was pounding, unable to tear his eyes away from Tifa's stomach. Dumbfounded, he stared at her and dazedly pulled her into his arms as she cried into him. He felt numb all over and could barely feel Tifa in his arms as his mind raced with horrible guilt ridden thoughts of what he'd done.
Tifa eventually stood away from Cloud, drying her eyes as she looked up to him with a sad, strangled smile. She sniffed, resting a gentle hand on his cheek.
"No, Cloud, I'm not pregnant," she confessed, but still, Cloud was unable to produce a single outward emotion. He knew he should feel relived that they had conceived a child on a drunken one-night stand, but for some reason there was a particular sadness and disappointment in all of this news. A sadness for what could have been.
Tifa watched him, her eyes filled with understanding. It was then that Cloud realized Tifa had gone through the same rollercoaster of emotions herself. She looked down again, shaking her head as she went on.
"But I wanted to be…" she admitted slowly. "I prayed for it everyday. Prayed, that I would get the chance to hold a little baby that would look just like you." She sniffed again, and let out a soft almost embarrassed laugh, "I even had a dream where I called you and you answered your phone finally, and I got the chance to tell you we were going to have a baby boy or girl together." Tifa looked back up to meet Cloud's eyes and she noticed they too were filling with tears. Involuntarily, she broke out into a bright smile as hot tears gushed over from her mocha colored eyes, "And we just cried together, tears of joy, because it was finally happening. We were actually going to become a real family."
Tifa was crying too hard and could barely breathe. Cloud touched her face to wipe away her tears and Tifa gripped onto his hand for dear life as she went on. "You told me over the phone that you were coming right home and you'd be there for our child every single second of their life. And you were so excited for the baby. I was more happy than you could ever know." Tifa's eyes bore pleadingly into Cloud's. "I thought that maybe if I really was pregnant, you wouldn't leave me anymore. That you'd have a reason to stay."
Heartbroken at hearing this, Cloud held Tifa against his chest as she gave into more sobs. Cloud had his own tears, but they were unwilling to fall. He stroked Tifa's back, smoothing through the tangles in her hair as he rested his jaw against her hair.
"I'm so sorry Tifa." He was barely able to say the words, because he knew just how pathetic and inadequate they were. She deserved so much more than he could provide. "I'm so sorry. It's all my fault."
Tersely, Tifa pulled away from Cloud as she wiped her eyes and wandered to a corner of the room with her back to him. Cloud gave her space to be alone. Especially now, he felt terrible for trying to force his affections on Tifa and expecting everything to be the same when he returned for her. Why had he been so stupid? Why had he always taken advantage that Tifa was always going to be waiting for him.
As if reading his mind, Tifa spoke up. "What's happening to us?" Her back was still to him, and she gave no indication that she wanted to look him in the eyes. Heartbrokenly, Cloud watched as Tifa's hands reflexively returned to fetus-less stomach, and he shook his head grimly. He knew then that no matter what he did or said, Tifa would always be afraid and anticipating the next time Cloud would leave her because of his eminent fear of inflicting pain and losing the things he cared about. Cloud had even said it himself; he knew he wasn't emotionally strong enough to commit and handle the life Tifa wanted with him.
So were they just doomed to live like this? In constant uncertainty of where they stood with each other and insecure of whatever the future may bring? It wouldn't last. It already hadn't.
Unable to answer Tifa's question, Cloud looked dejectedly to the floor. He wished he had never come back to see the wreckage of something that at one point had been so beautiful to him.
Slowly, Cloud spoke up again. "If you want me to leave, I will."
Perhaps Tifa had recognized the grief in his reluctant request, because as she turned around to face him again there were tears shining in her eyes. "No." she said firmly, shaking her head resiliently. "I don't want you to leave. But I don't want you to stay either."
Cloud frowned, shaking his head with confusion.
Tifa took a deep meditative breath. "I love you Cloud. And wherever you go, I know I always will. I just want you to finally be happy somewhere. I don't want you to stay with me just so you can leave again. You can promise me you won't leave again, but how do I know that?" She shook her head and was silent for a moment. "It's not what I want Cloud. I'm not forcing you to do anything; I just want you to decide for yourself."
Cloud said nothing, and after a long tense moment on both of their halves, he spoke up. "I want to stay."
There was a piercing shard of distrust and skepticism in her eyes as cautiously regarded him. "Is that what you really want?"
Cloud returned her skeptic stare with a frown, "Of course it is." He shook his head, his eyes looking downwards as he then said, "No matter where I've gone…There's a reason I've always come back to you."
Tifa looked to him solemnly, a shiver in her bones. "Why is that?"
She held her breath, listening to the soft vibrations coming from Cloud's lips as he approached her, coming closer and closer. Hypnotically, they both continued moved closer until the only distance was the space between their lips. Cloud raised his hand to stroke the side of Tifa's face as his arms protectively coiled around her waist. Tifa gazed back into his twinkling cerulean eyes, lost in their steady gaze just as they disappeared from her view. His nose brushed up against hers as their lips touched lightly and Tifa felt her throat close up, overwhelmed with a joy as intense as pain.
But Cloud didn't pull away, and Tifa didn't want him to. Her cheek pressed into his as she kissed him with more force, and he, to her delight, returned the vigor.
Cloud craned his neck to kiss her faint lips, feeling the same warm vibration as before. He opened his tightly pressed mouth and licked her bottom lip, and Tifa's lips parted without protest. It did not crescendo past that, remaining constant and careful.
Tifa swallowed the kiss ended, her eyes dilating rapidly as she intently searched Cloud's for reassurance. Neither said a word as Cloud touched her face, cupping it in his strong hands as his fingers fanned across her fair cheeks. He leaned towards her again and bestowed a kiss on her forehead, his mouth slightly open this time as he kept his lips pressed to her forehead with gentle force, giving her all his love in that touch. Tifa closed her eyes, her heart rising in her chest.
They kissed on the lips once more, and as their lips brushed against each other's when they had stopped, they kissed again. When the kisses were over, Tifa stared into Cloud's face with an indefinable emotion before her head fell down against Cloud's shoulder. Cloud rested his jaw against her hair, inhaling her scent and feeling the warmth that radiated off her body. She was trembling, and he knew he was too. Nurturingly, he stroked her hair and rubbed her back, never intending to let this woman go ever again.
"I love you Tifa," He told her in an almost inaudible voice. But it was loud enough for her to look up and meet his eyes in questioning. Cloud cupped her face in his hands and kissed her all over again. "I'm so sorry it took me so long to say that."
Tifa faced him fearlessly, pools of tears strained in her eyes. Cloud ran a hand through her hair and she closed her eye as she savored his touch. Upon opening her eyes, Cloud lowered his hand away and they stared at one another in silence.
"You love me?" Tifa ventured.
Cloud nodded, "I do."
Shaking her head with a gentle smile playing across her lips, Tifa leaned up as their lips crashed together once more. He kissed her, and she kissed him back after everything that had happened.
Cloud pulled away from Tifa eventually and she returned his gaze with a curious expression as he asked her, "Do you?"
She smiled to him playfully for a moment. She didn't answer immediately, almost wanting to make him beg for her answer. One that should have been very obvious. "I've always known where I've belonged," was her reply.
Hours later as dawn broke over the city of Edge, Tifa woke in her bed with the sheets pushed aside. The dim morning light streamed in through the windows, illuminating the outline her bare body. Turning her head ever so slightly, she saw Cloud lying next to her. He was already awake, his all encompassing Mako eyes drinking in the sight of her.
Neither of them spoke, Tifa's face emotionless as she tried to process that Cloud was still here and that he hadn't gone away again. Cloud found her hand and she let him intertwine their fingers. He held her hand securing, as if to convince he was really here with her.
Smiling with relief, Tifa adjusted head so it was resting on his chest, listening to the steady rise and fall of his chest beneath her. Faintly, she began to trace invisible circles on his chest.
"Cloud…?"
"Hmm?" He looked to her as Tifa angled her face upwards. They met one another's eyes and he waited patiently for her to go on.
Tifa's thumb gently rubbed his hand before speaking. "What was it? The reason that you said you always came back to me."
Cloud was silent, his gaze never wavering. Their faces were inches apart again and the way she held his gaze was as if she could see into his soul and understand all of his hearts desires. Softly he shook his head.
"The one thing that I've always wanted… something that I found with you that I've never found with anyone else."
Tifa had never been more riveted to this man than she was now, "And what's that?"
And he told her, "Home."