Jedi Guy

So I've always wanted to do a Padme-centric story. And here it is.

Summary: An AU look at what Anakin and Padme's family would be like if they played the roles of Family Guy characters. Surprisingly dull.

Rating: M, for adult situations.

Opening Theme:

Padme: It seems today, that all you see, is Dooku in the movies, and Grievous on TV.

Anakin: But where are those good old Jedi values, on which we used to rely?

All: Lucky there's a Jedi guy, lucky there's a Knight who, positively can do, all the things that make us-

Baby Palpatine: Laugh and cry!

All: He's- a- Je- di- guy!

"Padme!" Anakin's yell penetrated the halls of the Skywalker apartment on Coruscant. He was sitting, half-dressed, on their downstairs couch watching Star Broke Trek Back Mountain- the movie with gay Klingon cowboys. The person he had been yelling at walked in- his beautiful wife Padme, wearing her Senatorial robes, her hair pinned up so that it dwarfed her head, and fiddling with a pair of ridiculously large and bejeweled earrings. She was rather hassled today, and frankly tired of Jar Jar's antics, whom she had just gotten off the holophone with. "Yes, honey? I'm late for a congressional meeting so-"

"Hey, would you mind watching the kids? I'm going to Watto's."

There it was. Padme knew something like this had to happen as she was heading out the door. She waved her hands, dropping them to her thighs in an exasperated gesture. "Anakin, you know I have work today. Can you at least put off drinking with your bar friends until the weekend?"

Anakin sighed in turn, drawing his lightsaber. "All right, all right, I'll kill the younglings. Sheesh, when did being a father get so complicated?" Padme smacked him across the cheek. "Can you please just stay and supervise them? For me?" She put a hand on his shoulder, smiling pleadingly. Just do this one thing for me Anakin, please.

Anakin threw up his hands. "All right, fine. Heh. You know I spoil you."

Suddenly Mace Windu (not playing the role of Cleveland, surprisingly. What, just because he's black, he has to be cast in a black role? Racist bastards.) ran up to the Skywalkers' open door, panting. "Hey Anakin, the Galactic Fair's in town for one night only, you in?" he asked excitedly.

"Freakin' sweet, I am so in. Hey, see ya later Padme", Anakin said, heading out the door.

"Anakin, wait-" Padme started, but he was already gone. She sighed. "Dammit."

Meanwhile, Palpatine, playing the role of Stewie, was upstairs drawing up sinister plans for world domination. "Yes, that will do nicely. And when my minions enter the Jedi Temple, they shall take Yoda hostage! It's brilliant! What say you to that, Rupert?"

The Ewok just stood there, beady little eyes blinking. Baby Palpatine Skywalker sighed. "You're right Rupert. What's the use? What good are all these ray guns and minions to me, if I can't pass on my genetics? Hmm. Genetics. Wait." A smile slowly dawned on his face. "That's it! A clone army! War shall break loose in the galaxy once more, and when it does Rupert, Victory Shall be Mine..."

About a quarter past midnight, Peter burst into the Skywalker residence. "Honey, I'm -hic- home, he he he he he..."

Padme stormed in to the living room. The look on her face could have killed. "I hope you're happy Anakin. I had to miss an important vote because I was stuck here taking care of our children." She was tired of it all. She never got even one small break, because of this drunken ball-and-chain! She just wanted to get away, stay at a friend's, get away from it all. "I'll be lucky if the Queen doesn't fire me! What do you have to say for yourself?"

Anakin just stood there, swaying. "Boooorrring, let's see what else is on." Then he careened to the floor. Padme had never been more unattracted to her husband, and right now was the time to have that break she wanted.

"Goodbye, Anakin."

Anakin awoke several hours later in a daze. "Oh man. That must have been one hell of a Sexy Party with the Handmaidens last night."

Chewbacca (playing the role of Brian) walked in, a martini in his large, furry hand. "Chrowwwl urghhnn, grnnn hnghn? Mrrrnnn hrnn grrr ngghh."

Anakin, looked up from the floor, squinting. "Dude, I can't understand a word you're saying right now."

Chewie cleared his throat. "Ahem, hmm, sorry. What I meant to say was: Padme stormed out on you last night. She left you this note."

He handed a hastily scrawled note on a yellow post-it to Anakin. The Jedi read it aloud: "Anakin, I've gone to live with Obi-Wan. Come talk to me when you've decided to be more responsible and take charge of the things that need doing."

"Ah crap."

A/N: You'll never guess who Obi-Wan is...