I was overwhelmed with my feelings and because I can't ever speak about my feelings , I wrote down some fake feelings. Is angsty and probably stupid, but this is my way of coping . So enjoy your read
Dear diary...
Today I was at a therapist and she adviced me to keep a diary. I am not good at this. But what bad can do to try.
Mom said that she doesn't understand why I went back to the way I was. Why I started to act all wild to dress all wild and so on. Well mom I can't tell you. You wouldn't understand. No one does.
I have to say that I loved who I became. What was the point if no one else did? What was the point if people thought that I was trying to take Riley's place. To all of you who didn't like me...You really hurt me. Mostly you Riley. People change people, once mr. Matthews taught us. You changed me and then you didn't like the results. Why Riley? Why? Why was so wrong to you if I dressed nicer? Why was so wrong to you if Idid good in school? I never understood. If you guys wanted the old Maya, then I'll be the old Maya.
What hurt me the most was Lucas. You pointed out that I liked the guy you liked. Have you done all of this because of him? Was i all because of Lucas? Because I was always ready to give him up for you. Weren't you too? Aren't friends there for this?
You hurt me Riley and I don't even know how to tell you. I am to afraid of losing you. Because despite all of this, you were the only constan person in my life.
The other thing that disturbs me is Josh. He came and said all the right things. Everything that I wanted to hear coming from his mouth. But one thing still wasn't right. Time. How does he expect me to sit still and wait. Will he date other girls all of this time. What if he founds the one and is not me. three years is to much. And I don't wanna wait. I am fiveteen and he's eighteen . For me it doesn't feel so much. I am scared to wait. because I wanna be loved. I really wanna be loved. All of this waiting hurts me.
After the ski lodge Riley got his love and my life got just messier. She is all lovey dovey with Lucas. Farkle and Izzy are inseprable . If it wasn't Zay, I would have gone mad.
Zay even if I never tell you, you are the best thing in my life right now. You are funny and a good company. I really love spending time with you . You make this third wheel thing to feel comfortable.
Is hard to me to write all of this. Is hard when all of your life I hid my feelings and even thought no one will ever read this,ever, I feel so vulnerable writing this.
I haven't been like this for years, but I am so lonely. I have never thought that one of us getting in relationship will get the other this allone. And sadly I am the other one. Always just the other one. So dear friends I beg you, please see me. Don't be so caught up in love and forget me. I miss all of you. I miss us as group of friends. I miss you Riley. You got what you wanted, but you are still my friend.
Oh dear diary I never thought that expressing my feelings would be so hard, I never thought that expressing my feelings will make my hear bleed. But is bleeding and I feel like crying.
Mom, Shawn...dad? I love you and you two did nothing wrong. I think I am wrong. I think I am broken and I've been as long as I knew myself. So don't worry about me , I am okay , I always been okay and I'll always be okay. If I could only tell you the truth . If I could be more brave. I am not. I fear that people would say that I am a selfish bitch. Maybe I am. Because I am jealous of my friends happiness.