Every time I see her there's a horrible pain in my heart, my palms get sweaty and I hope maybe it's really her, but it never is. If only she was Casey, but she's not. When I see her I remember, and I don't want to remember, I'd never felt that much for anyone or anything in my life, not even my music. Then she was gone and I was left with all of this baggage, all of these feelings that had belonged to her, that she hadn't taken with her. What was I suppose to do? I tried to forget, to make the memory of her go away but I only ended up diverting them into helping someone, Karen. That name brings guilt twisting in my stomach, but what could I do? I had to move on right? But every time I look at Karen, speak to her, make love to her, it is a betrayal to Casey and I hate myself a little more everyday because of it. I should have waited to get with someone else, Casey must hate me if she can see me from Heaven. She was barely cold in the grave and I got with Karen, she has a right to hate me, I hate myself.

She's gone and I've learned to accept it, at first I'd seen her, everywhere taunting me and I had pushed to forget her but now how can I? Every time I see Marissa I see her, she was my first love and they say you never forget that, but I want to because it hurts to much to know that she's gone and never coming back. Sometimes I hate Marissa because she's a constant reminder of what I lost, how much pain I still have, she brings all of those memories that I've tried to cover up with Karen, it isn't fair. But I'd given Casey happiness, and love, she had left smiling, that was something I did for her.
I can't blame her for leaving, after all she couldn't defy God. I sometimes touch my cheek and I'm amazed that there's not even a scar, she did that for me, she healed me and I just try to forget her. So much for loyalty.

I really like Karen, she's beautiful, and sweet, and passionate, but I can't help but feel there's something missing every time I look at her. Maybe it's the guilt or the certainty that she'll never fill the hole Casey left. How could she? How could anyone? They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, that's a bunch of crap, I could have been happy, but I'm miserable because I 'loved and lost' it's not better, not by a longshot, but the saying 'ignorance is bliss' comes to mind and I definitely think that applies. Why did Casey have to suck me in? I sometimes wish I would have stayed in prison and never met her, my life would be so easy, but emptier, what am I saying, Casey's gone, it's as empty as was before, except now I have Karen. But Casey left her impression on me, filled up a part of my heart, my soul and I can still feel it there, waiting for her to come back, and maybe one day she will, but until then all I can do is remember.