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"You said you would fight."
"Then I take it back alright! I take it all back, but not him!"
This is the worst end Jack can imagine. Ianto falling to the ground, helpless, in the face of an enemy that Jack cannot fight, cannot shoot, cannot kill. An enemy whom Jack cannot revenge his slowly breaking heart upon. And his heart is breaking. It's cracking down the middle like a fault line that has always been there, but is just now appearing with the pain. Jack knows desperate words are escaping his lips, pleas and cries and bargains. He will do anything just to see Ianto safe in his arms. He will do anything to see Ianto standing up straight, strong and brave as always in the face of danger. Tears overflow from his eyes and he is choking on his words as Ianto falls. He whispers out the phrase a second before he catches the man he loves. "Please, anything. Anything."
Ianto is courageous, even as he understands what his happening. Understanding reaches them both at the same moment in time, and even as Jack realizes that it is all his fault, Ianto is denying his self-blame. He's always been braver than Jack. Completely ready to follow him into the war, even though Jack is perpetually afraid of the danger posed to the one person who has the power to hurt him the most. That blind loyalty.
Jack loves him for it and hates him for it at the same time; although, that isn't exactly true. Jack is afraid for him because of that unconditional loyalty. And at the same time -
All Jack can think about now is how devoted he is to this man, how much he would give him if they only had a chance. It'll be okay, it will. The emotion wells up in his throat and his eyes, and he is choking on his tears. A sob breaks free from his tense form and grips Ianto harder, thinking that if he can hold on to him hard enough...
"I love you."
I love you too. I'll always love you. Instead, the only words that escape Jack's lips are constant denials. No "No Ianto. No no no no… don't leave me, don't…"
He desperately turns his thoughts away from the direction they are going in, and instead focuses on that impossible man's eyes. They're glazed over now, but he ignores that and can still see his soul through those eyes. Ianto. His eyes say everything Jack could ever want to hear. I want you. I need you. I will support you wherever you go, I'll be there, even if you don't think you need a shoulder to cry on. I spent nights with you and I don't regret it. I will follow you anywhere. I'm forever there for you. I will never give up on you. I love you.
Suddenly, his eyes, and the comforting reassurances, are gone.
"Ianto? Ianto, stay with me. Stay with me please! Stay with me. Stay with me, please." He voice breaks, begging. I can't live without you. His eyes open again, and Jack nearly breaks down, sobbing. Those eyes. My angel. My beautiful angel.
"Hey. It was good. Yeah?" Now his words are breaking down, interspersed with desperate, strenuous breaths. The stream of denials is back in Jack's head. No. He can't leave yet. He can't. Not yet.
"Yeah." Of course.
Suddenly, Jack can't ignore the unhealthy sheen to Ianto's skin anymore. Because he's gone still, limply falling into Jack's arms. The light leaves his eyes. The comforting words are gone. The warmth. Jack realizes his teeth are clenched, and his face is twisting with pain, and he is trembling uncontrollably. He is sobbing, tears streaming uncontrollably down his face. His eyes are closed, unconsciously. No-one can possibly understand, no-one who has not held a lover, then watched them die in their arms.
All there is now is helplessness. That horrible feeling of empty helplessness. The truth crashes through his fragile hold on reality like a wrecking ball. Ianto must be dead. He must be gone because if he had any breath left in his body, any life, he would be comforting Jack, or holding him, or kissing him. No. Please God no.
He would give everything to help Jack hang on to some semblance of sanity. He does give everything. Always.
Holding Ianto's lifeless form is a thousand times worse than he could have possibly imagined. Because that's how it goes. In real life, there are no tearful dramatic goodbyes. There is no time, because before Jack can even begin to think about what to say, if some part of him accepted the fact that Ianto is going to die; his Ianto, his…Ianto is unconscious. And it will be a very long time before Jack is persuaded to open his eyes again.
Despite fighting it. Despite desperately fighting it for a reason he can't yet remember, the next thing Jack registers is an obscure light from behind his eyelids. Why? He remembers fighting the darkness before. Why would he fight the light? There is something he comes back for every time. He can't leave….but—
He gasps his way back into life. And then he remembers. No.
Gwen is there. He can't see her, but her hair floats around him and he can smell the perfume she wears. Maybe…he doesn't completely remember…maybe…He slowly opens his eyes.
And then gasps in pain and shock. He knows in an instant that the terrifying truth he has been trying to avoid is real. He knows because of so many things, and those minute details are only noticed by the tiniest part of his mind that is not busy completely falling apart. It was real. Of course.
Gwen is not smiling. She does not look reassuring- she looks terrified. He knows why. Her eyes are red around the rims from crying. He knows why that is too.
And he knows now what he had so blatantly ignored when he initially woke up from death. The fact that Ianto would have been beside him if he could. And he falls apart all over again as he remembers the way Ianto used to hold him, comfort him when he came back. It wasn't something Ianto did voluntarily. He told Jack…he used…he had told Jack so many times how hard it was to see the man he cared about ripped apart, or shot. Dead. He had a phobia about it. He was afraid Jack wouldn't come back, especially after Abaddon. Jack knew that Ianto gave a sigh of relief every single time Jack woke up. But then he learned that Jack was always in pain as he died and resurrected. Agonizing pain. And there wasn't a choice anymore.
There was never a choice. It had always been Jack's fault, because Torchwood never gave you a choice. He just couldn't have left Ianto alone, could he? Everything…everyth-
Jack couldn't think. He didn't want to imagine the expression on his face.
This could go on for years.
Gwen pulls him up so that he is sitting, although slumped over, and for the first time, Jack notices his surroundings. Clean walls. Numbered plaques. And red sheets, to cover the bodies. He tries to remain clinical, but even has he struggles, his mental voice stammers on the word "bodies".
Jack knows what he will see, and has absolutely no desire to see it. He cannot survive in a world this cruel, because if Ianto is gone, than his eternal life is nothing more than a standing joke.
Even worse than that- even worse than knowing that Ianto is dead-he can still hear Ianto's voice in his head still, admonishing him for giving up. His Ianto is in his head, in his heart; and every word is like a knife twisting into his body. He can hear him, saying things...
He...this... after this…
He tries not to look at Ianto's body. He can't stand to see the man he still loves like that. It's so complete. But he sees Gwen's face, and he can't help himself, because he still hopes; and he looks down and sees Ianto's body, paler than he ever is or has been, with his beautiful eyes closed, and he finally, finally believes it.
And even though he is alive, the darkness overtakes him again.
Tosh has been crying. Gwen is in shock.
No-one talks to Jack. What can you say to someone who has lost so much you don't even recognize him anymore? You can't respect someone you pity, so it's just Jack now, if they ever bothered to address him directly. Just Jack. Just a lover who... well, Jack was always different. He's been in his office. He can't seem to stay in one place long enough to think- which is a good thing- because every time he stops, the whisper is in his head again, in his voice. How can Jack remember is the exact tone he used when speaking, and not be able to say his name?
He realizes now that all that time spent running- it wasn't from anything chasing him. He was running from the parasites inside him, the writhing shadows that had crawled into his heart and brain and tried to obliterate everything he was. The demons and shadows that he used to love- the moments in his life that he's convinced himself to forget. The martini on the deck of the Chula vessel. Dancing in London under the light of Big Ben. His days at home, when he used to run through the sand, trying to run so fast that his feet wouldn't touch the burning sand. There had been so few good moments in his life, and they have all become painful. He's lost the warmth of his memories as much as he has his humanity.
Jack thinks it's just as well that all of his friends have stopped talking to him. He didn't think he could stand anyone to call him Captain Jack Harkness. Not after what he'd done.
It doesn't get any easier. He doesn't know what he will do. He will always belong to Ianto. If he is dead, everything Jack is or was, or could possibly be with him will be gone too.
He tries to run from this memory too, but somehow he can't. He can't just lock this away.
The questions are as constant as the greif. How can this one man affect him so much? Why can't he move on from this? How does he get out? Does he want to get out? How can he still remember the exact shade of his eyes, and still want to flee...
Finally, he can't keep attempting to persaude himself that he'll be able to run from this as easily as he has run from everything else. He knows he had been in love with Ianto. He admits it and still can't find any peace. It drives him to frustration and anger, and he destroys his office and then immeadiately regrets it with a feirce greif. Where are the memories now? He cries.
Now, he has loved just as fiercely as anyone else, and he has so much more to lose. He loved Ianto unconditionally. Ianto. Jack couldn't help himself this time. He knew, as soon as he met Ianto that he was the most dangerous person Jack would ever meet. He was the one who could change Jack, he was the one who would make Jack abandon his carefully written rules, and he was the one who would mend his broken heart. And that was what happened. Jack forgot that Ianto was just as mortal as anyone else in Jack's life. And he...Jack forgot, and he...he…
All he can think about is how much he misses Ianto. His eyes. His smile. He fits so perfectly into Jack's life that sometimes a wave of denial washes over Jack and he tries to forget that Ianto is gone, because he doesn't understand what he is supposed to do with this messy black sucking hole Ianto left him with. Love isn't peace, he realizes now. It's just another way for someone to destroy you.
He doesn't know how he will move on from this. It seems as though an endless ocean of grief has overtaken him. He feels like he is drowning; and he desperately wants to get out, but he doesn't know how. Throughout it all, everywhere he goes, he sees Ianto in his memories.
And the final question- the question that occurs to him after this epiphany- is the most important one of all. How can he still be in love with Ianto, even when he now knows without a doubt that they will never have a future together?
They all go back to his flat together. The team is as whole as it can be, and together. This is the time to start facing what has happened. Though that doesn't mean it's easy. As soon as he enters, Jack freezes, overwhelmed by memories. It's like being dragged across a bed of razor blades. He doesn't want to be here, doesn't want to remember. All he wants to do is escape, and there is no longer anything existing that is strong enough to keep him tied down to earth. Jack tries not to think Wales. Or Cardiff. Earth. It's just earth. Just another obscure little planet with nothing to keep him in one place for more than a month. But Jack has never been particularly good at lying to himself. His harshness always drags the truth in front of him before he can even raise his voice in protest.
As he crosses the threshold into their bedroom, he cries again. No-one has seen him cry before, except for one person on the team. And that man is dead.
Gwen freezes in shock. Jack? Crying? It seems so weak. If anyone else knew she was thinking that, she would no longer be allowed to stay in Ianto's apartment. Tosh has been expecting Jack's tears, and is too busy sobbing herself to notice.
Owen curses when he sees the glinting water on Jack's face, and storms out to a bar. He tries to get wasted, but every time he picks up a beer, a voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like the Tea-boy admonishes him, and tries to convince him to go back to Tosh and grieve with the rest of the team, rather than run away. Bloody know-it-all. He was always annoyingly right, even when he was alive. Apparently death doesn't stop him from being Owen's conscience. Owen can't bring himself to think the name.
Finally, despite his consuming guilt, Owen lines up ten shots and slams them back one after the other. But after, instead of finding someone to shag like he normally would, Owen goes home and passes out on his bed. He's so smashed he probably couldn't pull anyway. His apartment has never felt so bereft of life. He is alone now, so no-one sees when he finally lets himself go, and his pillow becomes damp with saltwater too.
Gwen, in the coming months, is a savior. She is the one who arranges for Ianto to have a funeral. She spends at least an hour on the phone, screaming at a UNIT general that they are Torchwood, Ianto is...was their agent and they can do what they want with him. And he will not be frozen, nor will his possessions be confisticated. After she hangs up, slamming the phone into the receiver, she picks it up again and numbly calls Rhiannon, telling her to start planning the funeral. Then she cries.
She spends two days organizing for the Hub to be rebuilt, and then oversees the rest of the operation. She didn't know Ianto as well as the rest of them. She never got the chance to get to know him. She still cries...but compared to Jack's grief, her tears are empty. She is the one who handles the rebuilding of Torchwood Three, because she is the only one with distance now. No-one else bothers. She recruits Lois Habiba, though no-one knows why they need a PA. What they really need, if anyone was thinking about Torchwood, is a field agent. Maybe Agent Johnson. Even thinking of administrative responsibilities hurts the team. Ianto was the one who kept it all running smoothly. Him and Jack.
Him and Jack.
When they return to the newly-rebuilt Hub, Jack takes one cursory glance around the empty base, and then announces that he is going on a leave of absence. Tosh is mildly surprised but too numb to do anything but stare. She expects Gwen to say something, but she is silent, for once. And then, equally surprisingly, Owen-Owen of all people-who has been almost mute since Ianto's death-is the one who breaks now.
He starts talking to Jack about what Ianto would want, and how he should stay, and how he can't just run away. It's obvious that he's been thinking about this much more than anyone else, and has been expecting Jack to make a break for it.
The statements fly at Jack like knives, and he too shocked for a moment to do anything but stare. And then his temper ignites with a fury and he starts shouting. The whole team has seen Jack lose his temper at least once, but this time is different. Now, it looks like Jack is on the verge of tears too. If anything, he is even more terrifying.
Even as Jack begins to get into the argument, Owen refuses to back down.
"I've been through this once already! You saved me, Jack. And I will not just let what would've happened to me happen to you. I'm finally coming to terms with what happened. You owe Ianto that much! At least, try. I'll not let him down. What would he say to you if he saw you leaving us like this?"
He mentions someone named Katie, and the look on his face is like nothing Tosh has ever seen before. It could almost be classed as tenderness.
Meanwhile, Jack's expression goes from angry to murderous.
"Don't you dare talk about him! You don't even know him."
Owen retaliates, but for the first time in almost three years, his voice holds no malice.
"I know he wouldn't want you to fall into the black hole you're busily making your way towards."
The argument escalates, and soon both of them are shouting even more loudly at each other, visibly restraining the instinct to start a physical fight. Owen shows an unusual determination to keep Jack at the Hub and in Cardiff. He refuses to believe that Jack could possibly have a good reason for wanting to leave. Owen comes across as cold and logical, but Tosh begins to see the sadness in his eyes. He is doing this for Ianto.
Meanwhile, Jack is grief-stricken and defensive; enraged by what he sees as Owen continually using his lover against him.
On top of that, he chokes up every time he tries to say Ianto's name. He doesn't seem to realize that eventually he's started to cry again, all the while shouting at Owen. Sometime during the argument Jack confesses that he loved Ianto, and the last straw comes when Owen ignores him and accuses Jack of being both self-centered and a coward.
Gwen and Tosh can feel the tension in the air snap, as Jack growls and launches himself forward to aim a punch at Owen. It lands with a sickening crack, and Owen, never one to lie down during a fight like that, tackles Jack, throwing punch after punch. Gwen screams.
Tosh finally snaps out of it. Owen and Jack are wrestling on the floor, swearing, and the occasional oath emerges from the tangle of fists and muffled blows. Gwen looks terrified, and Tosh can't take it anymore. Is this what they have been reduced too? How can this happen to people who have seen so much together? She starts to question if they were ever a team at all, with tears of frustration in her eyes. All there is now is confusion. Damn it all! How can this be so complicated?
When Tosh throws one last glance at Owen and Jack, then stalks out of the Hub, spitting curses and dashing tears off of her cheeks, no-one sees her leave.
Back at home, in pijamas, drinking cider, Tosh knows that Ianto would know what to say to get Jack out of this funk
And then remembers why Ianto isn't there. Why he'll never be there again. She throws herself into work, but everywhere she looks there are more reminders of him. Projects they used to work on together. Programs that everyone uses in the Hub. Only Tosh knows who designed those programs. There are little post-it notes everywhere, most of them directed toward Owen, warning the team off places they should not be, or things they shouldn't be doing.
No-one makes coffee. No-one even mentions it. It's just one of those things.
No-one even mentions the Archives, and artifacts that aren't in use anymore pile up in random places hidden away in obscure places in the Hub, the way they used to be "organized". A layer of dust covers desk covers his desk, because no-one touches anything, moves anything. Tosh is still hoping that Ianto will somehow appear, come back, and then everything on his desk will still be in its proper place.
Gwen is the only one who tries to tackle the paperwork, but after half an hour she disappears. Owen was the one who saw her give up in a fit of frustration, and stumble to her car to go home, tears streaming down her face. Gwen and Owen take turns ordering take-out after a long night, or when the team works through their lunch hour; but it takes them two weeks to get everyone's order right.
Jack is still MIA while the team tries to manage the Rift. No-one blames him, not even Owen, now. A few days ago it was a different story. He understands Jack's motives. Grudgingly. He doesn't regret anything he said the day Jack left. It was right. He doesn't care how long it takes, but every day, everything gets a little more painful for both Jack and the team, without him there. They all worry about him. Owen is the one who understands the most about Jack, and he worries the most too. He is angry. Very angry. Jack needs to come back. In the meantime, Owen becomes a leader.
Things are becoming increasingly difficult. They only have four people, one of them an untrained, uninitiated girl who has little idea of how things normally operate. Gwen and Owen are fighting constantly about procedural rubbish, and how to handle the extra workload, all the while both of them grieving for Ianto, as he is…none of this would be happening if…
When Owen is not having a 'heated discussion' with Gwen, he retreats to the autopsy bay and isolates himself. Jack and Owen are more alike than they know.
Gwen simply spends as little time as possible in the Hub and tries to hold them together at the same time. She knows the team seems to be falling apart, but doesn't know what to do.
Eventually, Owen begins to…it is impossible for him. It's so hard. He didn't realize he would miss Ianto so much. Just as much as Tosh and Jack, but he does. If Ianto were there, he be laughing his arse off, and then he would make some snarky comment about Owen being a girl. He would point out that Owen is an idiot, that he needs to get his shit together, and man up and lead the team. Git.
But eventually, Owen does not spend as much time in the autopsy bay. He tries to face it. And it's not because of what all the others think. They all think he doesn't grieve for Ianto. That hurts the most of all. They think he can't bear to show his feeling, and has simply 'sucks it up' and gets on with the job. They think that he thinks it's weak to show that emotion. Yeah right. As if they don't see enough death in this job. As if he is actually completely unable to feel any emotion at all. It's amazing how wrong one person can be.
He does it because they need him. That's the simple fact. Torchwood needs him. The team needs him. Cardiff needs him to hold together the team. The team needs him. The…the new team. Not Ianto. Not Jack. He can't even describe what he goes through in the next few weeks, holding them all together. But he does it.
Surprisingly, Tosh and Owen grow even closer through shared grief and understanding. One day, she confronts him, and in a night neither of them ever want to relive again, and after a lot of alcohol, both of them break down. They're late for work the next day, and it's horrible to think about it like that, but worth it; because they spent all of last night talking, and looking at the collection of photos they have compiled together, and the ones in Ianto's apartment. That night, they both let go a little.
Gwen moves on easily, with the both Tosh and Owen. They all miss Jack.
About two months after Jack leaves, Tosh is the one who is coping best out of all of them.
Eventually, one day, when she is alone in the Hub (an all too common occurrence these days), she goes down to the Archives. It takes her a while. She was hesitant in making the decision, but as she walked through the door, a completely impossible overwhelming sense of releif, hit her. She could remember Ianto here. Without the pain.
She wanders around for hours, reading his records, the little notes he left to himself about filing. She finds a tiny room with his diary hidden away in it, and a bookshelf full of classics, worn from constant reading. When she saw that they were in alphabetical order by author's last name and then title, she grinned. There was a chair there too. A comfy-looking armchair, and a little light. After that day, she went down to the Archives almost every day, touching everything she could get her hands on, reading Ianto's reports.
She never read his diary, but she wanted too. She couldn't decide what she should do. Eventually she also finds an envelope full of little notes to Ianto...from Jack. She doesn't read those either. But her curiosity burns more every day. She can't decide if Ianto would mind or not, so she puts it aside, and waits for a chance to talk to Jack about it. He was coming back. He would know. She puts the diary in a drawer in her desk as well... just in case. She never opens it.
In the meantime, she just remembered. She went through the pictures of them so often that they became worn around the edges; and soon after, she framed one photograph for her desk. It took her two months to figure out to make use of alien technology to make the photo last forever. But in the end, she did it.
She went back to his flat a few times too, but she felt like she was a stranger there. She had been before, but never in his bedroom. When she accidentally found a box full of...neccessities for an intimate relationship with Jack...well, she nearly blushed herself to death. Ianto probably would have given her a wicked grin if he'd been there when she found them, but would have been completely flustered if Gwen or Owen had been there as well.
The photograph that would remain on her desk for months and years to come was of Jack and Ianto kissing. Blindingly happy. She was there, in the background. It had been at a park, after a long day running around containing aliens. For the first time in a while, they'd finished in the early afternoon, and the weather had been beautiful, and so they had taken a long late lunch break to play in the sun. Jack and Ianto had kissed, in front of the soccer moms and everything, uncaring, because they had forgotten where they were.
Later that day, in the Hub, when she teased him about the public kiss, he admitted it was the first time they'd really displayed their relationship in front of others. He had been worried, with stress lines creasing his forehead, and she just leaned forward and gave him a hug. He'd get over the physical contact later. Then, he leaned into it; and after she pulled away, she slapped him upside the head for thinking that Jack didn't care about him, and reassured him, and finally recommenced the teasing. An hour after that, Jack and Ianto were caught getting a little hot and heavy in Owen's medbay. When a giggle from Gwen stopped Jack from trying to put his tongue down Ianto's mouth, both of them had turned bright red.
In the frame was the first picture of them, kissing in the park, with Tosh was off to the side, and Owen to her left, making gagging motions, and Gwen holding the camera. Underneath it was the second picture, and even though both of them were blushing furiously (even Jack), their eyes were still turned towards each other, and Ianto had the biggest smile on his face.
If this made you cry: review. If this made you mildly sad, review. If this chapter had absolutely no effect on you whatsoever...go ahead and review! All you have to do is click that little button/link directly under this text. I would very much enjoy any type of criticism whatsoever.