The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone off to a fundraiser. Just something that came through my tiny little mind. What do these people do while Archer is in a coma? This came to me.
The HOOF Fundraising Fiasco
"Okay for once I'm calling a meeting!" Cyril called out to most of his staff in the bullpen. "Let's all get to it!"
"Hang on," Pam spoke up. "Cheryl isn't here. She said she had to go check on one of her hotels this morning."
"More likely check on the bar at one of her hotels this morning," Ray snickered.
"Should we wait for her?" Pam asked.
"No," Cyril said. "There's a reason I called this meeting while Gluella DeVille isn't here. This agency needs to come up with new sources of revenue. And by new sources of revenue, I mean anyone but Cheryl! Don't get me wrong, she pays well but…"
"But every time she hires us," Pam added. "It's a complete and total disaster."
"And sooner or later," Ray added. "She'll have an overdose or something equally fatal and there goes that gravy train!"
"Exactly," Cyril said. "So far the only other sources of revenue are Krieger's online college and the occasional consultation I get for legal advice."
"The New California Secession Movement is still at it isn't it?" Lana asked.
"Hey the referendum is now on the voting ballot," Cyril said. "And it's still a hundred dollars a consultation fee. Okay it's only every other week now but…"
"Now we need to find new clients," Lana added. "And Pam those pink flyers aren't going to do the job."
"Those flyers got us a bunch of clients!" Pam protested.
"Almost all of which double crossed us!" Ray told her.
"I didn't say it was a perfect system!" Pam told him.
Lana spoke up. "Cyril you said that you were doing some legal consulting. Maybe that could be our angle?"
"Already thought of that," Cyril sighed. "As of last week, the Figgis Agency is a consulting agency as well as a detective agency. With both online and in-house services. However, since at least thirty-five thousand other lawyers offer similar services online or at their private firms…And that's just in LA alone…"
"Okay so we just find a way to set us apart from the competition," Pam shrugged.
"I'm afraid our reputation already sets us apart from the competition," Cyril groaned. "Between the Double Indecency Incident, The Deadly Velvet Incident, the killer clown incident, The Business Expo Incident, and all the other incidents when we were part of a spy agency…"
"You don't need to draw us a picture," Lana interrupted with a groan.
"Not when we have a whole art gallery of past failures," Ray admitted.
"In other words, we need to find some new clients," Cyril said. "Or a new business venture. Something. Anything. We're desperate here!"
"Understatement of the year," Ray groaned.
"Cyril we've tried so many things," Pam spoke up.
"So many stupid things," Ray added.
"We just have to keep trying," Cyril pleaded, desperation in his voice. "We need a break! Just one good break!"
"My calculations say we've had about a half dozen breaks since we got to LA," Krieger spoke up. "And we broke almost all of them."
"I'd even consider asking Ms. Archer about what to do," Pam said. "If she wasn't so out of it."
"I know," Lana said. "With Archer in a coma, Woodhouse gone and Ron kicking her out Mallory isn't as focused as she usually is."
"Except for getting her next drink or ride on the Pill Train," Pam remarked.
"All the more reason for us to come up with something!" Cyril told them.
"How about checking the want ads?" Krieger asked.
"I don't care! Something! Anything!" Cyril pleaded.
"All right morons!" Mallory walked in. "I have an assignment! We're going to be providing security at the Hands Off Our Furs Pro-Fur fundraiser!"
"Anything but that!" Cyril groaned.
"Oh god no," Ray moaned.
"This won't end well," Pam agreed.
"Mallory you're still not involved in that are you?" Lana groaned.
Mallory bristled. "Hey! I need something to do while sitting at Sterling's bedside waiting for Sleeping Asshole to wake up. Is it just me or is he really milking this coma thing?"
"It's not just you," Pam shook her head. "He really is."
"Mallory even I know that this will lower our reputation even more!" Cyril snapped. "And considering its low enough for an ant to do the limbo that's saying something."
"Besides how are you going to pay for this?" Pam added. "Because we all know you're broker than Wimpy before Tuesday."
"And don't say Cheryl because that's what we're trying to get away from," Lana added. "We're trying to find clients that aren't likely to commit arson."
"I'm glad you asked that," Mallory took out a check. "I have a check from Mrs. Ramona Lacy-Strickland. And yes, she's from that Lacy family!"
"As in the Lacy's department stores?" Ray blinked.
"She's an heiress from her grandfather's side of the family who founded the company," Mallory handed the check to Cyril. "And her late husband was in Strickland Chemicals. She's very wealthy."
"How wealthy?" Ray asked.
"The check for our services is a hundred thousand dollars," Mallory said. "In advance."
Cyril's eyes widened. "Who needs a good reputation anyway when you get results?"
"NO!" Lana protested. "No! No! No! No! No! I am not doing this! Mallory I've done a lot and I mean a lot of twisted depraved shit for you over the years! But this is where I draw the line!"
"Really?" Ray asked. "You draw the line at this? But not at the cocaine cartel?"
"Does seem kind of ridiculous at this point," Pam agreed.
"I have to have some values!" Lana snapped.
"But not stealing your ex-boyfriend's sperm and inseminating yourself with it without his consent?" Pam was confused. "That can't be just me, right?"
"It is not just you," Cyril nodded.
"I'm not doing this Mallory!" Lana snapped.
"I know," Mallory said. "That's why I need you for a separate job."
"What kind of separate job?" Lana folded her arms.
"I'll tell you later," Mallory sighed. "It's…personal."
"Oh god," Lana groaned. "You want me to track down another sex tape of you?"
Mallory paused. "Well…"
"Oh, dear God!" Cyril groaned.
"Not this again!" Ray groaned.
"How many sex tapes do you have?" Krieger asked. "I'm seriously asking."
"At this rate you're going to surpass Ron Jeremy," Pam agreed.
"Shut up!" Mallory snapped. "Look I've already gotten Carol to rent out the Grand Tuntmore hotel ballroom for the fundraiser Saturday Night. We provide security."
"I'm not dressing up as a damn waiter again!" Pam snapped.
"Me too!" Ray agreed.
"Well since I want some of the food to go into the mouths of the guests," Mallory glared at Pam. "No. You'll just wear security uniforms. Except for myself of course."
"And I'm wearing a damn tux!" Cyril snapped. "I am the head of this agency! I'm not wearing a uniform like some lackey!"
"Hurtful," Ray looked at him.
"Actually, Cyril does have a point," Lana admitted. "Him in a security guard uniform? It would be like Barney Fife goes to Hollywood!"
"You know…?" Cyril looked at her.
"You do have a point," Mallory sighed. "Fine, I need an escort anyway. But keep your hands to yourself, mister!"
"I'll try to contain myself," Cyril said sarcastically.
"Ha, ha!" Lana snickered.
"Said the woman who is giving up mingling at a party to go hunt down a sex tape?" Ray asked. "Starring Mallory Archer?"
"Ugghh…" Lana winced.
"Ha! Ha!" Cyril snickered.
"Shut up!" Lana glared at Cyril. "How much am I getting paid to do this?"
"We'll discuss it later," Mallory sighed. "When we go visit Sterling this afternoon. I'll give you the details then."
"Joy," Lana sighed.
"As for the rest of you," Mallory looked at the others. "Try not to screw this up like you've screwed pretty much everything else up!"
"Well there's always a first time for everything," Pam said cheerfully.
"This does not bode well," Cyril groaned.
"Suddenly hunting a sex tape doesn't sound so bad," Lana admitted. "Oh wait, yes it does!"
Saturday afternoon rolled around at a leisurely pace. The majority of the Figgis Agency found themselves looking over the security of the Grand Tuntmore's ballroom.
"Well at least this isn't a waiter's uniform," Pam looked at the black security uniform she was wearing, complete with a hat and a nightstick. "Kind of makes you respect me more!"
"Not much more," Ray admitted. He was wearing the same exact uniform. "Don't we get guns?"
"No," Mallory snapped. She was wearing a beautiful golden gown with gold shoes. "The last thing I need is you idiots shooting someone."
"We do get tasers," Krieger said. He was also wearing a security uniform.
"Cool," Pam took hers out.
"Where did you get those?" Cyril snapped. He was wearing a tuxedo.
"I made them," Krieger told him.
"Ooh! Do me! Do me!" Cheryl jumped up and down. She was wearing an elegant green dress. "Do me!"
"NO!" Mallory and Cyril snapped.
"Lame!" Cheryl snapped.
"Look everything has to be perfect for tonight," Mallory snapped. "I've just checked in with the caterers and the bartender. All the food is stocked and the bar is set."
"Yes!" Pam grinned.
"It's not an open bar," Mallory said.
"Aww," Pam pouted.
"Lame!" Cheryl groaned.
"Not my idea," Mallory admitted. "But yes Carol, it is lame! And the rest of you will be physically lame if you screw this up!"
"What's with the treasure chest over there?" Ray pointed to a huge treasure chest against the wall on a large podium.
"That's where the guests will make their cash donations," Mallory said. "See that slot in the front? That's where they will push them through. At the end of the night the money will be donated to HOOF. Having them pay cash was my idea."
"You think that's a good idea to do it that way?" Ray asked. "I mean it's out in the open and you can't see into that box."
"That is wired with security from me," Krieger spoke up.
"On a big podium," Ray said. "Which could be hollow for all we know."
"Which is right next to the wall," Mallory said. "Which nobody can get behind."
"Unless there just happens to be a vent right behind in the wall," Ray said. "Anybody who has access to the Grand Tuntmore's floor plans could get around the security system by squeezing through it, cutting a hole under the podium and taking the money without anyone knowing about it."
"For the record I agree with you Gillette," Mallory groaned. "Which proves that even you have more sense than Mrs. Minerva Merkins! But since she's running the show now…"
"Wait I thought you were in charge of HOOF?" Ray asked. "Didn't you technically found that organization?"
"Yes, but I got ousted as chairwoman!" Mallory snapped. "The bitch held a coup while I was laid up for a weekend!"
"You mean when you were plastered out of your mind with Lemons," Ray looked at her.
"Minerva Merkins," Cheryl spoke up before Mallory could insult Ray. "I know that name."
"So do I!" Cyril realized. "Damn it Cheryl!"
"What?" Mallory asked.
"She was one of those uptight bitches from that bird loving society, wasn't she?" Pam remembered.
"The one where I was supposed to give that check but didn't," Cheryl remembered. "And then I threw her and those losers out on their asses! HA! I remember that now! That was funny!"
"Wait, what now?" Mallory did a double take.
"Don't ask," Cyril groaned. "Let's just say she's not a friend of ours."
"Babou ate her stupid birds," Cheryl laughed.
Mallory blinked. "That explains some things."
"Well!" Mrs. Merkins, a stout lady in a pink dress with her grey hair coiffed in a high beehive sauntered over to them. "This seems adequate."
"Better than what you have done so far," Mallory looked at Mrs. Merkins. "Which is nothing. You could have at least told me that you hated me because of my association with Carol!"
"That and your attitude to anyone of Irish decent," Mrs. Merkins glared at her.
"You're Irish, aren't you?" Mallory growled.
"You really should work on that," Cyril said. "I mean your granddaughter is black and you have a grandson that's half Irish."
"WHAT?" Mrs. Merkins' jaw dropped.
"Thank you, Cyril," Mallory glared at him.
"Well this is an interesting turn of events," Mrs. Merkins looked at Mallory smugly.
"I have to ask," Pam said. "You lost your shit over some dumb birds getting eaten by an ocelot but you have no problem with other animals getting killed?"
"Yeah what is up with that?" Ray asked.
"Kind of hypocritical if you think about it," Krieger added.
"What are you lunatics doing here?" Mrs. Merkins snapped. "Her I understand!" She pointed at Cheryl. "She owns this place! But what about the rest of you?"
"This is the Figgis Agency Security team," Cyril said. "At the Figgis Agency we have a crack…"
"Now is not the time for a commercial, Cyril!" Mallory snapped.
"This is it?" Mrs. Merkins snapped. "I wouldn't trust these idiots to guard a dead goldfish in the toilet!"
"Would we be flushing the goldfish or making sure it was still alive?" Krieger asked. Everyone looked at him. "It's a legitimate question!"
"What about your hotel security?" Ray asked Cheryl. "They can help us, right?"
"I gave most of them the night off," Cheryl shrugged. "Except for a few guys to guard the hotel."
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?" Cyril shouted.
"They said they wanted a night off," Cheryl replied.
"Well you can't get any more direct than that," Pam remarked.
"That is a good reason," Krieger agreed.
"Carol you idiot…" Mallory snarled.
"I kept some guys!" Cheryl said. "Mostly to guard the door against the protestors. They wanted the overtime anyway."
"What protestors?" Mrs. Merkins snapped.
"The anti-fur protestors that are starting to line up," Cheryl said.
"Anti-fur protestors?" Mallory shouted. "How would they even know about this event?"
"Here's a clue," Pam rolled her eyes. "Maybe they saw the big ass sign in the front of the hotel?"
"WHAT SIGN?" Mallory shouted. "I didn't authorize any sign!"
"I did," Cheryl grinned.
Cut to the front of the hotel. A huge banner draped in the front of the hotel read. WELCOME HANDS OFF OUR FURS! A PRO-FUR FUNDRAISER FOR PRO-FUR PEOPLE WHO LOVE WEARING ANIMALS AND AREN'T AFRAID TO LET PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT IT! AND TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE FURS, SCREW YOU! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? PROTEST?
Cut back to the ballroom. "What?" Cheryl asked. "It's a big event! You want publicity, right?"
"Not that kind of publicity!" Ray snapped.
"Oh, it doesn't matter," Mrs. Merkins snapped. "Those people would have found out sooner or later anyway. What does worry me Mrs. Archer…"
"Ms. Archer!" Mallory snapped.
"Really?" Cyril looked at her.
"Shut up!" Mallory glared at Cyril.
"Are you sure this is adequate for our fundraiser?" Mrs. Merkins glared at Mallory. "People are going to be donating thousands of dollars for our cause. Not to mention getting thousands of dollars' worth of gift bags."
"Really?" Pam perked up. "What's in them?"
"Nothing you need to know about!" Mallory snapped at her.
"Lame," Pam rolled her eyes.
"Everything will be fine," Mallory said smoothly. "I will stake my reputation on it."
"You know that's not exactly much, right?" Cheryl giggled.
"On this I actually agree with you," Mrs. Merkins sighed. "Why do you think you were ousted as chairwoman as this organization?"
"Because you're all jealous bitches who wanted my power," Mallory snapped. "And are jealous of my beauty!"
"Really?" Mrs. Merkins said. "That's how you see it?"
"What else could it be?" Mallory asked.
"How about the disastrous protest when you started a riot and half our organization got arrested?" Mrs. Merkins asked. "Your racist comments about the Irish, which by the way half of our members are? Your Twitter war with PETA?"
"Told you that was going to bite you in the ass," Pam said to Mallory.
Mrs. Merkins went on. "Not to mention a lot of us have either relatives or friends living in New York City…"
"Why does no one just say New York?" Mallory mused aloud.
Mrs. Merkins ignored her. "And we have all heard disturbing things about you, your family and this pack of degenerates you call associates here. Quite frankly you don't have the most sterling reputation. Pun intended!"
"Who did my son sleep with to piss you off?" Mallory sighed.
"No one in my family personally," Mrs. Merkins said. "But I do remember my friend Peggy telling me of the time she and her husband went to a dinner party of yours and your son brought a whore who overdosed in the middle of the main course!"
"That's it?" Pam asked. "That's not even the worst thing he's ever done."
"Pam!" Mallory snapped.
"He did me," Cheryl spoke up.
"See?" Pam pointed to Cheryl.
"I just expect this evening to go well," Mrs. Merkins said. "Your future in HOOF hangs on it."
"I founded this organization!" Mallory shouted.
"Now you know how Steve Jobs felt," Ray remarked.
"Oh, by the way," Mrs. Merkins said before she left. "You're also babysitting Ramona tonight."
"That lush?" Mallory shouted.
"There's someone worse than you?" Cyril asked.
"At least I know how to hold my drink!" Mallory snapped. "The woman has one bourbon shot and suddenly she thinks she's Carmen Miranda!"
"That I would like to see," Ray said.
"Me too," Krieger nodded.
"Just don't screw this up idiots!" Mallory snapped. "Come Cyril! We must prepare for my grand entrance."
"But we're already here," Cyril blinked as he left with her.
"So…" Krieger blinked. "What are we supposed to do again?"
"I don't know," Cheryl shrugged. "I'm gonna go get a bottle of bourbon and find Ramona." She left.
"I'm going to go guard the gift bags," Pam had an idea.
"I'll join you," Ray smirked as he went with her.
"I'm going to check the coat room," Krieger nodded as they left the treasure chest. "Coats are valuable too."
It wasn't long before the gala was in full swing. The room was filled with the beautiful people. Well actually they were the beautiful people decades ago. Mostly now old rich people with the occasional middle-aged fashion designer among them. And one very miserable head of a certain detective agency.
"I thought you said this room was going to be filled with the movers and shakers of LA?" Cyril said to Mallory as he took a drink of scotch.
"They are! Or at least some of them were," Mallory admitted as she took a drink. "Mostly retired. But can you believe how much I am being snubbed at my own party!"
"Isn't this technically HOOF's party?" Cyril asked.
"Tomato, to-mato," Mallory waved. "Look don't take this the wrong way."
"Which means I probably will," Cyril interrupted.
"But I don't want people to think that the best that I can do is you!" Mallory glared at him.
"Well then don't take this the wrong way," Cyril said in a snippy tone. "But the feeling is mutual."
"Don't you…" Mallory bristled. "Ugh! I have no time for this. Where are the idiots? I don't see them in position!"
"Pam has just taken up a position at the buffet," Cyril pointed.
Pam was eating a plateful of food by the buffet. And in some cases, just taking food right off the trays and eating them. "You have the right to remain delicious," Pam grinned at a spring roll as she picked it up from the serving tray and popped it in her mouth.
"Cheryl has taken up a position by the bar," Cyril pointed. "With Ramona…"
Cheryl was laughing and drinking with an older woman wearing a short black dress. "Boom! Chi-Chi boom!" Ramona laughed and danced. "Boom! Chi-Chi boom!"
"And I'm guessing Ray is probably in the Men's Room," Cyril shrugged. "Doing some kind of position."
"Ugggh…" Mallory shuddered. "Wait…That might work in my favor. Where's Krieger?"
"Krieger's skulking around the coat room," Cyril groaned. "Why I have no idea."
"Probably going through the pockets looking for loose change again," Mallory groaned. "Damn it! I thought he grew out of that habit! Go stop him!"
"Why?" Cyril asked as he left. "It might be the only extra cash we get tonight!"
"Ugh," Mallory grumbled as she finished her drink. "Fine. Time to schmooze the crowd. There has to be some halfway decent tail around here. Ah! Over there!"
She narrowed her eyes at a very handsome older gentleman drinking by the bar. "Target acquired," She said to herself as she moved toward her prey.
However, she was intercepted by Mrs. Merkins. "Mrs. Archer!"
"Oh, what do you want now?" Mallory snapped as she saw her prey move away.
"Some better security for starters!" Mrs. Merkins snapped. "All the gift bags are gone!"
"Well isn't that good?" Mallory asked as she watched the older gentleman.
"Not of none of the guests got theirs!" Mrs. Merkins snapped. "And another thing! That large woman is standing by the buffet table and won't let anyone else eat!"
"Get back!" Pam said to some guests. "Back! I have to test to see if these crab puffs are good." She then ate some using her bare hands to grab them. "They're delicious!"
"Well at least the guests are safe from accidental poisoning," Mallory sighed. She looked for the older gentleman. "Now if you'll excuse me…"
"Not to mention there's nobody standing by the chest!" Mrs. Merkins pointed to the chest. People were donating money into it.
"Relax Merkins," Mallory snapped. "Nobody's going to get in here anyway. The money is perfectly safe. Krieger installed…"
WHOOOOOOOOP! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOP! WHOOOOOOOOOOOP!
"An alarm," Mallory groaned. "One of the guests must have gotten too close!"
"I don't smell any toast," Mrs. Merkins shouted over the noise. "Are you having a stroke?"
"No, I don't want any coke!" Mallory shouted over the noise. "I'll get Krieger to shut it down!"
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A CLOWN?" Mrs. Merkins shouted.
"KRIEGER!" Mallory snapped. "THE IDIOT WHO MADE THE ALARM SYSTEM! THERE HE IS!"
Krieger made his way to the chest. "OKAY WHO SET THIS OFF?" He shouted.
"WHAT'S THIS ABOUT YOU AND A LOFT?" Mallory shouted.
"OFF! NOT COUGH!" Krieger shouted at her.
Mallory shouted. "NO, I DON'T HAVE A COUGH! TURN THIS ALARM OFF!"
"I'M GOING TO TURN THIS ALARM OFF!" Krieger did so. "There! Happy?"
"In general?" Mallory groaned.
"Well at least you know the alarm works," Krieger shrugged.
WHOOOP! WHOOOP! WHOOOP!
"A little too well," Mallory groaned as Krieger fixed it again.
"Sorry," Krieger fixed it. "There. Just don't get too close to this thing."
"At least the damn money is safe," Mallory groaned. "Just stand here and guard it. Or at the very least make sure if that alarm goes off again you can shut it off."
"Okay," Krieger looked around. "So, you want me to like guard it?"
"YES!" Mallory shouted. "You are a security guard! That is your job!"
"Oh okay," Krieger nodded. "Gotcha."
"Screw this up and I'll get you!" Mallory growled.
"Relax," Krieger waved as an old man came to donate some money. "Nobody can get near this thing without shutting off the alarm."
WHOOOOP! WHHHHHHHHHHHOOOP! WHOOOP!
"URK! My heart!" The old man gasped as he put the money in the slot.
WHOOOOOOOP! WHOOOP!
"See?" Krieger said as he shut off the alarm. The old man staggered away grabbing his chest in fright. "There is no way anyone is getting this money without me knowing it. Well unless someone crawls through a vent space and cuts a hole in the bottom but other than that…"
"WHOOPEEEE!"
"Oh, what fresh hell is this?" Mallory snarled as she saw Ramona dancing on a table. She had taken off her dress and was twirling it around over her head.
"Coochie! Coochie! Coochie! AI! AI! AI!" Ramona danced around.
"Did this woman watch one episode of the Love Boat too many?" Mallory groaned as she went over to stop Ramona. Krieger started to follow her. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
"Oh, you don't want my help?" Krieger asked.
"NO!" Mallory snapped. "What part of stay here and guard the treasure chest do you not understand? Just stay here! I will handle Ramona! Preferable with help from the other Ramona! Where's Gillette?"
"Over there," Krieger pointed. "Talking to that guy."
"Oh, I love skiing," Ray was openly flirting with the older gentleman Mallory had her eye on. "I haven't been in ages. I was at the Olympics you know…?"
Mallory stormed over to Ray and shoved him aside. "Hey! Watch it!"
"You watch it Missy! First of all," Mallory paused and looked at the older man. "Do I have any chance with you at all whatsoever? Or are you a complete and total pansy?"
"Call me a Viola Tricolor and put me in a garden," The older man said.
"Damn it!" Mallory groaned. "All right Gillette come on!"
"Hey!" Ray said as she dragged him away. "Call me! My number is…"
"Oh, everyone has your number!" Mallory snapped. "I need your help here! And since Pam is helping herself to the buffet you are my go-to girl!"
"Just because you're not getting any…" Ray began.
"AAAAHHH!" Ramona screamed as she fell to the floor off the table and passed out in front of them.
"I'm not touching that," Ray said.
"You don't have to have sex with it!" Mallory snapped. "Just pick her up and…"
"I WARNED YOU BITCHES!" Pam was heard shouting.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAPPP!
"YEOWWW!" Some man screamed.
Mallory turned and saw Pam holding a taser over a twitching man near the buffet. "You heard me!" Pam said to a horrified crowd. "I told him I had dibs on those pigs in a blanket! I warned him!"
"Oh, for the love of…" Mallory groaned. Just before Ray picked up Ramona and handed her to Mallory. "What do you think you're doing?"
"More like who I want to be doing," Ray said. "See you!" He moved off rather quickly.
"Oh, for the love of..." Mallory grumbled as she struggled to hold Ramona. "PAM! PAM! PAM GET YOUR FAT ASS OVER HERE!"
"What's up Mrs. A?" Pam walked over eating something. "Need a hand?"
"Yes!" Mallory snapped. Pam began to clap. "JUST PICK HER UP AND HELP ME PUT HER AWAY SOMEWHERE!"
"Fine," Pam took Ramona. "We'll stick her in the bathroom."
"Why not?" Mallory grumbled as Pam took her. "This whole night is going down the toilet!"
"GET AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND YOU HOMEWRECKING BITCH!" An older man shouted.
"HEY!" Ray was heard shouting. "HE CAME ONTO ME!"
WHOOOOP! WHOOOP! WHOOP!
"Sorry!" Krieger shouted at the alarm was turned off.
"Great party huh Ms. Archer?" Pam asked.
"Unforgettable," Mallory felt a headache coming on. "Where's Carol?"
"Right here!" Cheryl jumped up beside her.
"Damn it! You nearly gave me a heart attack!" Mallory snapped.
"Well maybe next time?" Cheryl shrugged.
"I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!" The other man shouted. "I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THE MINUTE I TURNED MY BACK YOU'D HIT ON THE FIRST SKANK THAT CAME ALONG!"
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SKANK, BITCH?" Ray shouted.
"Where the hell have you been?" Mallory snapped. "Besides every seaport on this coast?"
"I let in all the protestors!" Cheryl said cheerfully.
"WHAT?" Mallory shouted as sounds of people chanting were heard outside.
"FUR IS MURDER!" Several protestors stormed inside. "FUR IS MURDER!"
"Let me try to talk to them," Mallory said rolling her eyes. "Maybe I can talk some sense into these people?"
Twenty seconds later…
"EAT SHOE HIPPIE SCUM!" Mallory shouted as she kicked a protestor in the face. Then punched another one out.
"Have some pie!" Pam whooped as she threw some food from the buffet at protestors. Of course, several guests got hit as well.
"YOU BITCH! YOU COW! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!" Two older men, including the gentlemen both Ray and Mallory was interested in threw some punches at each other.
"Boy did I dodge a bullet," Ray groaned as he fought with some protestors. "Hey you seem nice…"
"And a zappie for you!" Krieger stood at his post zapping anyone who came at him. "And a zappie for you! And you! And you!"
"AAAAAIEEE!"
"Oops," Krieger winced. "Sorry Mrs. Merkins!"
"AAAAAHHH-AAAAHHH-AAAAAAH!" Cyril screamed a Tarzan like yell as he hung from a chandelier swinging around wildly before he fell off.
"Where the hell is my taser?" Pam shouted.
"MUAH HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl screamed as she ran amok in the crowd. Zapping people randomly.
WHOOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!
"Damn it!" Krieger groaned as the alarm went off as he backed into the chest. "OKAY! TIME! TIME! I HAVE TO RESET THIS THING!"
WHOOOP! WHOOOP! WHOOOP!
"Her name was Lola…" Ramona staggered around in her underwear, drunkenly dancing. "She was a showgirl…Hic!"
WHOOP! WHOOOP! WHOOOP!
"God, I hate fundraisers," Mallory grumbled right before she punched out another protestor.
A half hour later in the hallway…
"Okay…" Pam panted, looking very disheveled. "We finally got rid of the protestors."
"To be fair," Ray was also looking disheveled. "A lot of them fled on their own."
"Only because I threatened the protestors with arrests," Cheryl spoke up. She looked disheveled as well. "And pliers. You know? To pull their teeth out." She showed them pliers in her hand.
"Somebody take those away from her," Mallory snapped. Her clothes were torn and her hair was messed up.
"We also lost half of your guests," Cyril groaned as he took the pliers from Cheryl. He also looked disheveled.
"Well some of them did have to go to the hospital," Krieger shrugged. He was the only one that looked fine.
"How come you're not all beat up?" Ray snapped at him.
"I used Mr. Zappy!" Krieger said cheerfully.
"Can I see Mr. Zappy for a moment?" Ray asked.
"Did Cheryl get your taser too?" Pam asked.
"No, Ramona got mine," Ray groaned. "Right before she used it on herself."
"I like her!" Cheryl grinned.
"That's because you share the same IQ!" Mallory snapped.
"Well at least the chest is safe," Ray pointed. "Nobody even came close to touching that."
WHOOOOP! WHOOOP! WHOOOP!
"Uh I should get that," Krieger remarked and he went to shut it down.
"Can this night get any worse?" Mallory groaned.
"MALLORY ARCHER!" Mrs. Merkins bellowed.
"Of course…" Mallory groaned.
Twenty minutes later in the parking lot of the Grand Tuntwood Hotel…
"Kicked out of my own fundraiser," Mallory glared at her agents in the parking lot. They were standing by Krieger's van. "You got me kicked out of my own fundraiser!"
"Relax," Cheryl waved. "The party was going downhill after the riot anyway."
"Well, I wish I could say I was surprised," Mallory grumbled. "I wish I could. The only thing that does surprise me is how much you lot have topped yourselves!"
"I'm not the one who tasered Mrs. Merkins!" Cyril protested. "Or let the protestors in!"
"No, you just did a Tarzan impersonation that put Johnny Weissmuller to shame!" Mallory glared at him. "Then you fell right on top of our treasurer!"
"Lucky for me she weighed over three hundred pounds," Cyril groaned.
"I swear to God one of these days…" Mallory winced. Her phone rang. "Oh, what plague has God decided to serve me now?"
Mallory answered her phone. "Hello? What do you want? What? What happened? Cut a hole right underneath you say? Oh, how is this my fault? You kicked us out! As I recall you said you were in charge of this fiasco! So that makes this your fault! Fine! See you at the meeting bitch!"
"Let me guess," Cyril groaned. "Someone stole the money?"
"It's like Scarlett O'Hara," Mallory said. "Gone with the Wind. Apparently, some thief managed to get underneath the podium using a vent and cut out a hole from the bottom."
"Called it," Ray shrugged.
Mallory was smug. "HA! Serves those bitches right!"
"That money was for your cause," Ray pointed out.
"Damn it!" Mallory snapped. "It must have been one of those damn hippie protestors! How much you want to bet I get blamed for this too?"
"It wasn't a complete fiasco. We did get a hundred thousand dollars," Pam pointed out. "In advance!"
"Yeah…About that," Cyril winced. "That money is gone already."
"How the hell could you go through a hundred thousand dollars in only a few days?" Pam snapped.
"You want to take this one?" Cyril looked at Mallory.
"I'd rather not," Mallory sighed.
"What did you do?" Ray looked at Mallory.
"To be fair, she grabbed the check back before I had a chance to do anything!" Cyril added.
"We figured that part out Dickless Tracy!" Pam snapped. "Ms. Archer what did you do?"
"I had to pay some expenses okay?" Mallory snapped. "Sterling's medical bills for one. They upped the rent for my apartment. And this dress wasn't exactly on sale… Not to mention I needed shoes to go with this dress. Which is now ripped and I'm missing a heel! So much for returning them!"
"YOU SPENT ALL OUR MONEY ON YOURSELF?" Ray shouted.
"You selfish bitch!" Cyril roared.
"Burn her!" Cheryl cheered.
"I have a lighter," Krieger said.
"There's some wood over there," Ray pointed.
"Hang on," Mallory protested.
"Why shouldn't we?" Cyril shouted. "You took all of that money and spent it on yourself!"
"No! Not all of it!" Mallory protested. "Some of that was for Sterling. And the rest of it I…Invested. To be fair, Carol is responsible for that part!"
"Oh, what did you two do this time?" Cyril looked at them. "What kind of con did Cheryl run!"
"It wasn't a con," Cheryl said. "It was an investment in my new company!"
"I was assured it would be a sure-fire thing!" Mallory snarled. "You told me it couldn't miss!"
"What couldn't miss?" Pam asked. "Besides the bus I'm going to throw Neck Bird here under?"
"It was an oil company that my corporation bought," Cheryl said. "Well some of that money was from Ms. Archer so she could have a stake in it."
"To invest in for the business," Mallory said. "And she said it was a sure-fire hit!"
"An oil company doesn't sound that bad," Pam blinked.
"It is when the only drills it owns are in New Jersey," Mallory groaned.
"Well maybe in the more rural areas…?" Cyril said hopefully.
"If it owned any drills," Mallory added. "More like an abandoned one room beach house at Sea Side Heights."
"One of your ex-board of directors totally scammed you, didn't he?" Pam said to Cheryl.
"Yes," Cheryl said. "Right before he took off to some Caribbean Island. I have a team of detectives searching for him."
"I'd like to join that search party," Pam remarked. "Just as soon as I grab my crowbar."
"That part is your fault!" Mallory snapped to Cheryl.
"And yours!" Cyril shouted. "This is why I handle the money!"
"Okay! I see you're all upset," Mallory said tactfully. "Look. You made some mistakes. I made a mistake. Let's call it even."
"How about we call it even after I beat that hundred grand out of your hide?" Pam growled.
"EEEEE!" Cheryl jumped up and down. "Best fundraiser ever!"
"You're not getting hit," Pam glared at Cheryl.
"No fair!" Cheryl snapped.
"Look I'm going to give you all a few days to regroup and calm down," Mallory backed away. "I'm going to get a drink. I'll see you later." She went off quickly.
"One of these days old lady…" Pam grumbled.
"I would love to see that," Ray told her.
"So, would I," Cyril sighed. "And worst of all we all came out empty handed!"
"Well not completely empty handed if I must tell you the truth," Krieger admitted. "I was looking through the coat pockets and I got about two hundred and thirty-five dollars. And forty-eight cents. And some gum!"
"Krieger!" Cyril snapped. Then he admitted. "I only got fifty dollars."
"I got a wallet," Cheryl held it up. "From some guy that was passed out in the hallway."
"Ray and I sneaked some bottles of hooch and all of the gift bags," Pam said. "We put them in the van."
"What was in the gift bags?" Krieger asked.
"Some pretty good shit," Pam said. "Gift certificates to Nordstrom's. Gold cufflinks for guys. Crystal earrings for women. Some lip balm. Hand cream. Body lotion…"
"God damn," Ray whistled. "The gift bag business in this town is unbelievable."
"And each bag has a set of genuine ermine ear muffs," Pam added.
"Ermine ear muffs?" Cyril did a double take. "In LA?"
"Relax," Krieger waved. "I can sell them online to a friend of mine in Alaska. We'll make thousands on that alone!"
"Well at least we got something," Cyril sighed. "Too bad Lana wasn't here."
"What? You miss her nagging and saying I told you so?" Ray asked.
"Look we'll give her a couple of earrings if it will make you feel any better," Pam waved.
"Not really," Cyril said. "But if we don't give her something she'll whine."
"Speaking of wine," Cheryl said. "I could go for a drink. How about some of that stolen champagne back at the office?"
"Good idea," Ray said. "Krieger you see if you can get anything from the credit cards before we ditch the wallet."
"I know the drill," Krieger waved. "I've done this literally dozens of times."
"So have we," Cyril groaned. "Was it just me or was Mallory a little less angry at us?"
"She did seem a little less nasty when she was shouting at us," Cheryl realized. "Kind of missed that."
"I think we're finally wearing her down," Ray shrugged as they climbed in the van.
Meanwhile Mallory had gotten into her car and had driven around the block. She doubled back and parked her car about a block away from the Grand Tuntwood to what seemed to be an abandoned alleyway.
In the alley there was a manhole cover. The manhole cover opened up and a figure in black carrying a bag climbed out.
"It's amazing," Mallory remarked to herself as the figure closed the manhole and approached the car. "Those Tunts have secret underground tunnels everywhere."
"Boy they really wanted to catch slaves, didn't they?" A familiar voice said from the mask. "Very disturbing on so many levels."
"I'm assuming you got the money," Mallory said as the masked figure with the bag got in on the passenger's seat.
Lana pulled off her mask and buckled herself in. "Every single penny. Plan went without a hitch."
"That's why I chose the Grand Tuntmore Hotel," Mallory shrugged as she drove off. "It was easy to get the plans to bypass security. Too easy as a matter of fact. Remind me to never stay there. Or if I do not to bring anything valuable."
"Well this was pretty valuable," Lana looked in the bag. "I bet there's at least five hundred grand in here."
"More than that," Mallory said. "I swiped Ramona's diamond ring when she was passed out. That rock alone could pay Sterling's hospital bills for years!"
"I'm surprised you'd steal from your own cause," Lana asked. "One that you actually care about!"
"Lana the only cause I truly care about is my own," Mallory told her. "Besides, you're getting half the money. To help raise my granddaughter. What? You would rather this money go back to those rich bitches?"
"No," Lana said. "No, this works for me. The problem I have is that the Figgis Agency took another hit."
"And that the rest of them don't get any money," Mallory added.
Lana paused. "No, that part I don't have a problem with."
"Neither do I," Mallory said. "I know for a fact they got the gift bags. Which reminds me, I want some of those crystal earrings."
"Me too," Lana nodded. "Do I even want to know what they did?"
"Best to be surprised when you read the morning paper," Mallory groaned. "I knew they'd do something crazy as a distraction but I wasn't counting on that kind of crazy!"
Lana added. "It's just the agency's reputation…Which I know isn't exactly great but still…"
"Technically Lana they were fired before the robbery," Mallory pointed out. "Or at least before the robbery was discovered. And since Her Royal Snobbiness didn't think to put in a new security team in right away, she gets the blame. Well I'll make sure she does."
"You've thought of everything haven't you?"
"Don't be so surprised Lana," Mallory raised an eyebrow. "What do you think I do during all that time I sit by Sterling's bedside?"
"They don't let you drink that much at the hospital anymore, do they?" Lana sighed as they left.
"Uptight teetotaling bitches," Mallory grumbled. "Like it would kill anyone if they put in a bar!"
"I really need to find a new career," Lana groaned.
"Ditto," Mallory admitted.