Comedy is a Marauder's Best Friend
Author Note: Am I Joanne Kathleen Rowling? Nope. It's not mine, then. First off, this is the FIRST EVER Marauder-era story I've come up with. There was one story of that kind in progress at one point, but it was discarded. Luckily I got an idea, so enjoy this randomly crazy and comical one-shot in the Marauders' seventh year!
"Those in favour of going back to bed, say aye." James groaned.
"Aye." Sirius moaned. The two had Quidditch practice early on that particular Saturday, and Remus and Peter were snoozing still in the dorm. James idly wondered how Remus was actually allowed to do said snoozing, considering his Prefect duties. Just as idly, the Potter heir stabbed his toast as he wanted to get some food into his system - something had to keep him running. A minute later James noticed something out of the corner of his eye, and this something caused him to groan. Very loudly. So he voiced his thoughts in front of Sirius.
"Trouble arrives." James informed his friend. Sirius looked puzzled. Suddenly Marlene McKinnon turned up. The grin on Sirius' face at Marlene's appearance omitted another loud groan from James.
"What's his problem?" Marlene asked, hopping onto Sirius' lap.
"I think I know." Sirius muttered, smiling. James fingered his wand. "Oh Prongs!" Sirius gasped mockingly. James sighed, an incoherent mumble coming from him.
From what Sirius and Marlene could figure out, the mumble was 'too early for this rubbish'.
"Really, James?" Marlene pondered.
"Yes, it is, Marlene. Remus and Peter are still asleep. Your mischief-maker and I-" but James was stopped by a punch in the arm from Sirius. James cleared his throat and continued. "Anyway, Sirius and I have Quidditch practice. Normally, I'd be excited, but-"
"It's Saturday." Marlene finished for him. James nodded with a slight smile. The look on Sirius' face was priceless.
"How- what the- just hang on-" the long-haired student muttered, confusion whizzing through his head. James chortled merrily and Marlene suppressed a chuckle.
"You'd be surprised, Padfoot."
"I am, thank you! Now-"
"Marlene and I talk more than you think." James concluded. Sirius huffed angrily.
"Oh come on." Marlene said.
"No." came the gruff response.
"Sirius." James stated bluntly, his tone demanding that Sirius drop his fake rage.
"N-O." Sirius huffed, although a trace of laughter was creeping into his voice.
"Sirius Orion Black." Marlene chuckled, finally hearing his 'restraint' crack.
"Fine..." Sirius muttered. Marlene grinned and hugged him. James face-palmed.
"Shut it Prongs." Sirius said. James laughed as Marlene got off Sirius and started on her breakfast. "So, any new Quidditch tactics come to you in your dreams?"
"Unfortunately not, my fellow prankster. Head Boy duties- oh, grow up!" James scolded, as Sirius was doubled over. "Stop it." James muttered. Sirius continued to shriek in hysterics. "Merlin." James sighed. Marlene shook her head.
"Hey Lily." she called. Lily Evans had indeed just walked into the Great Hall, her red hair flowing her back and she looked right as rain from a good night's sleep, despite Head Girl business. James' legs buckled and he wobbled backwards onto the floor. Well, thudded. His spine throbbing, he reached gingerly up to the table and levered himself back into his seat, trying to ignore the back pain and inwardly cursing. A lot.
"Hi James." Lily smiled radiantly. James went mildly pink, his throat going funny.
"H-hey Lils." he managed to croak out. Sirius looked at James, gave him a wink, and then the Black child nodded his head in Lily's direction. James looked mutinous.
"Marls, do I have permission to get the red-hot poker?" he grumbled.
"Firstly, we don't have one, and may I dare ask what you want one for?" Marlene asked.
"To roast certain... parts... of this miserable excuse of a human being." James hissed, pointing at Sirius. But the 'miserable excuse' in question was grinning. Marlene and Lily, on the other hand, were wearing mixed expressions of shock and utter horror.
"James! As Head Boy, you will not... you know what, I can't even finish that sentence." Lily shuddered.
"I think what Lily was trying to say was you will not use a red-hot poker on Sirius, especially on certain areas." Marlene sighed, holding back a shiver. James chuckled, but he laughed so much the laughter went through to his shoulder blades. This ended up with a resounding 'CRACK!' across his back. Lily inhaled heavily.
"James! Are you sure you're OK?" she whispered. James nodded.
"Sure Lil. Just a little accident." he replied, edging forward on his seat. CRACK!
"Right you. Sit perfectly still." Lily commanded gently. James froze. His spine was on the edge of another crack.
"I can feel another snap coming." James said. Sirius paled slightly. Lily got up so she was perfectly behind James and ever-so-gently took his robes off.
She looked at various points on his back.
"Hmm... James this will only hurt for a moment. I promise." the redhead soothed. James didn't need a second opinion - he trusted Lily completely. "When I press on both sides on your collar bone I need you to jerk your head upwards." she whispered gently. James gave her a thumbs-up. Lily pressed and he moved his head, groaning.
"Sorry, but it had to be done. Right. Now I can really get to work." she said. James had a questioning look on his face that Miss Evans couldn't see.
"What are you going to do?" Sirius translated.
"Simple. Unhinge his back. By hand." Lily replied.
"By hand?" Sirius and Marlene asked in unison.
"It works." Lily proclaimed with confidence. "OK. James, you'll feel a movement on three... 1, 2, 3!" After a series of joint clicks and quick work from Lily's fingers, James' spine was the same as before his blunder. James got up and faced Lily.
"Lily Evans, you are a diamond." he proclaimed, his brown eyes looking into her - in his opinion - vibrant, beautiful and passionate green ones. Lily smiled shyly. James hugged her. "I mean it, you know. Thanks." he grinned. Lily walked away.
James sat back down to finish his breakfast. He felt Sirius look at him. And right now Sirius was being positively sneaky, his eyebrows moving suggestively. "Shut it." James hissed.
"You can't tell me to be quiet, Potter." Sirius chuckled, his eyes glinting.
"Marlene." James said with a whine hidden in his voice, looking at her. But Marlene didn't mute Sirius. Instead, she stuck a forefinger up like a metaphorical light-bulb.
"Aha." she beamed.
"Please don't." James sighed.
"A-ha!" Marlene grinned as she elbowed James' chest and continued to beam.
"I think you may be right, Marls." Sirius said, raising an eyebrow. James glared.
"Will you two stop? Yes, I'm close friends with Lily but that doesn't mean-"
"I do believe that it does." Sirius snickered. James slammed his hands down.
"Right! I am getting the red-hot poker and I am getting it now!" he exclaimed. And with that, he marched off. Sirius sighed and started cuddling Marlene.
James may have said he was searching for the poker, and part of his mind was definitely on that, but he was in fact striding to the library to talk to his lovely Lily.
"Psst! Lils!" he whispered in her ear. Lily jumped.
"Oh! Hey James, what brings you here?" she pondered.
"Well, Quidditch practice doesn't start for another fifteen minutes. And..." James muttered his idea in the redhead's ear. By the end, Lily was utterly grinning.
"I'd be honoured, Mr. Potter." she smiled. James hugged her.
"Great! Follow me." he said. They walked to the pitch. Two brooms were laid out. "Well? Get on and race me." he winked. Lily's jaw dropped.
"You know full well you'll beat me."
"Who said that, Lilyflower? You might find a secret talent inside you." James chirped.
Lily grinned and utterly shot off. James' jaw went slack. "Oi! Come back here Evans!"
"Not on your life, Potter!" Lily called back merrily. James leapt onto his broom and started chasing her.
"Right! You're in for it, Lilykins!" James hollered jovially. What he didn't see was Lily's blush at the name 'Lilykins'.
After some chaos, the two ended up on the same broom, and flew back through the castle. Including the Great Hall. Sirius and Marlene looked up when they heard Lily's distinctive laugh.
"Lily Evans you get back down here!" Marlene called.
"Just let them live, Marly." Sirius snickered.
"We'll leave you to your commotion, McKinnon!" James hollered. Marlene suddenly found that some blood was rushing to her face. McGonagall looked up in shock. Unfortunately there was no loophole to give the Head Boy and Head Girl detention. She had to resort to just hanging her head in complete wonder. Eventually, Lily and James returned to the pitch and the two Heads were on the ground.
"Well..." Lily breathed, her face close to James. He grinned.
"Good enough bout of freedom for you?" he asked. Lily smiled and nodded. Adrenaline was coursing through her body like lightning.
"Absolutely, James. And I think you might get a reward for this." she giggled. "Said reward will give you energy for practice in five minutes." Then Lily leaned in slightly and kissed James on the cheek. What Lily didn't see was Sirius and Marlene giving James thumbs-ups when she walked away. James was torn between beaming in bliss and giving Sirius and Marlene cold glares with the message of 'shut up now'.
AN: Hooray for James/Lily! I've recently gotten into this pair, and I must say that they are quite frankly wonderful. And yes, the 'T' rating was for the roasting that would have been done by the red-hot poker. I think it's funny nonetheless. I have an idea of writing a causal day in the Marauders' lives. If I do, it won't be connected to this one-shot at all.