Title: Nineteen
Author: K-promises-fall
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: I do not own Mai HiME.
-Begin
She's nineteen.
She's nineteen and lying on her side on Shizuru's bed with her head in Shizuru's lap and Shizuru's fingers trailing over her scalp and rubbing her arm.
She's nineteen and she's never done this before.
She's never consciously done this ever since she became capable of expressing her emotions through words and facial expressions. She's never cried. Not since she stopped being a baby and entered kindergarten.
She almost cried once on her first day when a dirty little boy being dragged to the nurse threw mud on her favourite dress. But then she saw his smirking face and even though she didn't really know anything back then, she knew that he wanted her to cry, was waiting for it. So instead she stuck out her tongue at him and watched him get taken away and scolded by the teacher. The next day when he ran up to her and stole Duran in his muddy hands she chased him down and pushed him so he fell and scraped his knee. And then he was the one crying. Duran was back in her arms again and he was dirty and the teacher was telling her "not to push people, even if they're mean to you" and that she should instead "tell a teacher". But Natsuki is smiling as she clutches Duran to her chest because the boy had gotten scolded much worse than she had, and even had his parents called.
No, Natsuki never cried.
She almost cried when her dad stayed at work late on her birthday and didn't come back until after her mom had tucked her in and told her to go to sleep. She almost cried when he wasn't there to greet her the next morning either. But then she saw the sad look in her mother's eyes and her daddy being gone again didn't seem so big a problem. She was her mommy's angel, and angels had to cheer people up and make them happy when they were feeling sad.
She almost cried when the car her mother was driving hit the side railing and flew over the cliff. She could feel the tears gathering ready to fall and she had opened her mouth to scream, but before any tears could escape and the breath could fully escape her lungs she jerked forward and hit her head and fell unconscious.
A year later Natsuki had been too angry to cry. Much too angry.
Her father had left and they had put her in a foster home miles away from the place she was used to. The family was reasonably well off and friendly, but Natsuki could not connect with them and certainly didn't try hard enough to. She was angry and miserable and wanted to go home – was pretty damn adamant about it. So they had sent her back to Fuuka to live in the dorms and while Natsuki certainly hadn't been happy, she had been relieved. Because Fuuka was familiar and already too many things in her life had gone and changed when she hadn't been looking.
She hadn't cried. Not when she learned she was a Hime. Not when she had learned that her being a Hime had something to do with her mother's death. Not when she learned that her mother had been murdered by a group called First District.
Natsuki hadn't cried in so long she's surprised if she can even remember how it's done. The girl she rooms with runs from the room crying when Natsuki calls her a shallow, self-centred bitch who should stay out of her business before Natsuki threw her out the window or worse. And as Natsuki closes the door the idiotic girl left open she wonders what is it she said that was so bad as to make her run off bawling when Natsuki had watched her father walk away from her without shedding a single tear.
Natsuki didn't think there was anything left in the world that could make her leak from her tear ducts.
She doesn't think such a thing exists until she is nineteen and dressed in a loose hoodie and jeans with her dirty converse shoes messing up Shizuru's bed and her tears soaking the front of Shizuru's shirt with her fists crumpling the sides. And Shizuru isn't saying anything. Just sitting up against the headboard and running her hand through Natsuki's hair. They've been like this for a whole hour and Natsuki is wondering why the tears won't just stop. It's embarrassing and relieving at the same time and she's so comfortable. Shizuru makes her this comfortable.
"This is stupid," she says. It's supposed to be sharp and angry and biting but because of all the crying she's done it comes out as a pitiful croak. The state of her voice makes more tears spring to her eyes but for some reason she keeps talking and shifts to look up at Shizuru who pauses the hand on her head. "I didn't even talk to him or anything; didn't even like him."
Shizuru's eyes are soft and honest. There is no smile on her lips, but a small, sad frown. "He looked after you for eight years Natsuki. It's natural to cry."
"He paid my expenses for eight years and called to check up on me once a week where we would spend less than a minute talking," she spits. And rubs furiously at her eyes which now hurt from excessive crying. "We were never even close."
And this time Shizuru doesn't say anything. Just brushes aside her bangs and bends over to kiss Natsuki's forehead. She doesn't need to explain why Natsuki is crying, because Natsuki already knows why.
They may not have been close; their conversations might have been filled with awkward silences because they never got to know each other. But his voice over the phone was always warm, and he would always envelope her in a hug whenever she visited home during school breaks. And he made sure that she had enough to take care of herself when she moved out of the dorm and got an apartment, and had his friend check up on her every once in a while to make sure that she was okay.
It was a lot more than her father did for her – sending them cheques with money that was under the limit the judge set for child support and sending it sparingly.
It was a lot more than anyone had ever done for Natsuki.
And Natsuki was crying because she's sad that she was too angry and childish to get to know the man who had looked after her so well.
She's nineteen and she's crying because he got a heart attack without ever hearing her say thanks for all the years of putting up with her and the warm smiles he always wore that made Natsuki feel a little bit warm inside too.
She's nineteen and she's done crying, but she still lays there and lets Shizuru dry her tears and smile down at her as the clock ticks away the minutes after the phone call saying that the old man had died.
-End
Author's Note:
I haven't written much this summer at all. But I managed to type up this little thing tonight. It came to me while I was wondering around my house; this random floating phrase in my head "Natsuki's nineteen and has never cried before..."
Then just as I was about to go do something time consuming (I don't remember what) it popped up in my head again and I just had to write it. And this came out. I kind of like it. Never really done a hurt/comfort fic before. And I tried to squeeze in a few lines of dialogue this time, even though I suck at it (practice makes better, lol).
Hopefully this means my muse is back and I can work on some of those multi-chaps I'm planning.
Review and tell me what you think.
Until,
~K-promises-fall.