It's been a while since I've bothered to write anything. Since my Spring Break has been less them productive I thought it wouldn't hurt to take some time and write a song fic. Unfortunately it does hurt for this is what I came up with.
Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist neither manga nor anime, I do not own Avenue Q. I do not own Travis Willingham.
It Sucks To Be Me
The office had dullness to it that afternoon. The kind of dullness, of bland silence, that just shouted that soon its inhabitants would be randomly singing in synch to pass the time. But hey we've learned from High School Musical that these kinds of things just happen. We've also learned a little too much about Vanessa Hudgens.
"And how is your day going sir?" Havoc chimed casually, dropping off a file at the Colonel's desk.
"It's disappointing" The Flame Alchemist snarled, snatching the file and flipping through its contents. The humidity within the room definitely seemed to thicken.
A soft sigh, "What's the matter now?"
"Oh it's nothing" Though no sooner did he spoke did Roy realize he was just being asinine. Groaning the Colonel plopped the folder down and cradled his forehead within his gloved hands. "Though I'm beginning to get an enormous amount of paperwork. This means another night of lost sleep. And…Well…it's all rather ridiculous…"
"Oh come on!" Havoc chimed, gently popping a punch on the other's shoulder. "If you don't you know the authors just going to make us do it anyway"
Inhaling the Colonel sprouted up from his desk with a sudden burst of zeal. "When I was little I thought I would be"
"Uh huh"
"A state alchemist in the army of Amestries!"
"Yes?"
"But I'm lazy and the pressure's on me! You see!"
"Oh no"
"It sucks to be me!" Roy declared, thrusting his arms up into the air.
"No!"
"It sucks to be me!"
"No!"
Groaning the Colonel jumped up on top of his desk, hoisting the 2nd Lieutenant up along with him. "It sucks to so dense although I'm half Xingese! It sucks to be me!" Suddenly Roy was shoved off the edge of the desk, landing rather ungracefully upon his rear. Well we can't all be triple threats can we? "Just what on Earth was that for Havoc!?"
"Ha! You think your life sucks!?"
A soft snort, "I wouldn't be going too far as to sing about it if I didn't!? Though we all must agree I have a wonderful voice. Travis Willingham does wonders"
"Psh! Your problems aren't so bad!" Digging into the depths of his pocket Havoc pulled out a half-smoked cigarette. Gnawing on the tip he anxiously began to look or a lighter. "I'm kind of handsome, and handsomely smart!"
"…I suppose…."
"I like manly things like tobacco and farts! And as you know I have a gigantic heart. So why…CAN I GET A GIRLFRIEND!?" The tobacco stick was crushed into oblivion between the 2nd Lieutenant's teeth. "Fuck! It sucks to be me!"
"Me too!"
"It sucks to be me!"
"It sucks to be me!"
"Its sucks to be Roy!"
"And Havoc!"
"And have work to avoid!"
"And not get to smack it!"
"It sucks to be me!"
Suddenly the two were distracted from their duet by the sounds of gun shots and explosions near by. Soon the noises escaladed as Zolf J. Kimbley and Frank Archer busted to the scene. Or stage, depending on how closely tied this extremely unoriginal fan fiction is tied to its Broadway big brother. The two screamed and shouted and scowled at one another, pulling at each other's hair and clothes.
"Come on its only ten bucks I'll pay you back tomorrow!"
"Colonel Archer and Lieutenant Colonel Kimbley we need you to settle an argument between the two of us. Who's live sucks more? Me or Havoc's!?"
The two looked at one another with grim expressions, knowing that the singing was soon to return. "Ours!"
Archer was the first to lead, shoving the Crimson Alchemist to the side as the spot light shined upon him. "We live together!"
"We're as close as enemies can get"
"We've been sufficient partners"
"Ever since the day we met!"
Once again the Crimson alchemist was shoved aside, this time with far more zeal. Archer hissed and pulled his shot gun from his holster once more. "And so we know a lot ways to make each other upset! Oh everyday is an aggravation!"
"Oh come on Frankie that's an exaggeration!"
The gun was now pointed towards Kimbley's head. "You cause explosions by filling my microwave with foil!"
"Well!" The gun was snatched and flung out the window, as glass shattered a soft implosion was heard. "You have anal sex and lub yourself with gun oil!"
"You make that outrageously large house that we share a hell!"
"So-do-you-that's-why-I'm-in-hell-too! It sucks to be me!"
"No it sucks to be me!"
"It sucks to be me!"
"It sucks to be me!"
"Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be?! It sucks to be me!"
Suddenly the four military dogs, despite their obvious distaste for one another, began dancing around the office in perfect synch. Despite not having ever rehearsed this of course. That's just the way life is, try it at your local mall, you'll surely get great results.
"Da da da da da"
"Da da da da da"
"Da da da da da da!"
"Da da da da da"
"Da da da da da"
"Da da da da da da!"
Suddenly the realm of slight possibility was completely raped as the author once again decided to throw another plot hole into the mix. Cautiously Ling Yao walked into the office, idly brushing off his traditional Xingese clothes. Of course he had no purpose being there; as a matter of fact he wouldn't even be found in the anime. But you have to take Asian people when you can right?
"Um" An eyebrow quirked as the prince watched the four popping up and down in a childlike fashion. "Why are you so happy?"
"Because our lives suck!" Kimbley exclaimed as he punched Archer in the teeth.
"Ah ha!" Ah now this was interesting! Especially for Ling considering he had to drop out of his high school's musical to come to Amestries. He was going to be mushroom number two! "You think you lives suck!? I come into this country for immortality. Get treated like peasant but I am royalty. But with hard work I solved the mystery-Of eternal life-And now I am Homunculus-But now I must serve father-And Ran fan does not love me-And a monster controls my mind!" As the prince sang he involuntary began to smack Roy upside the head. Well it felt good to smack something around that looked remotely Asian, he could pretend that it was himself. "It suck to be me! It suck to be me! I say it suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck! It suck to be me!"
Once again the office door busted open as the Full Metal Alchemist walked onto the scene. Though he was a bit surprised as to the condition of the office, with papers scattered about and people dancing upon the desk tops. "Um excuse me? But I was wondering if I could become a State Alchemist…"
"Why did you come all the way here?"
"Oh well none of the superior officer's would accept me. But this place seems a lot less picky about who they hire!"
Roy briskly walked out of the office. "Hold on you're going to have to talk to talk to our supervisor! Hey Vannesa!"
Suddenly a short petite teenager girl skipped into the office, an abnormal grin spread across her face.
"Oh my god it's Vannesa Hudgens!"
"Yes I Am! I'm Vannessa Hudgens from High School Musical of Disney! With my overly editing singing I'm constantly raping your T.V.! But I'm naïve and let everyone see my naked body! But I'm here! As Superior! In Amestries!"
"It sucks to be you!"
"You win!"
"It sucks to be you!"
"I feel better now!"
"Try having people stop and asking you if you'll sign their boobies! It gets old!"
Ah and like every wonderfully organized and well thought out musical performance the group began the climax of our story.
"It sucks to be you-you-you"
"In Amestries!"
"It sucks to be me!"
"In Amestries!"
"It sucks to be you!"
"In Amestries"
It sucks to be us!"
"But not when we're together! When we're together!"
"Here in Amestries! We live in Amestries! So do our friends and families! Until we reach our dreams we live in Amestries!"
"This is horrible!" Ed exclaimed. "Why the hell is our fan base so large!?"
"We live in Amestries"
"My ears! They're bleeding! Augh-I'm going to go kill myself!"
"Welcome to Amestries!"
"Hey…where did he go?"