treasure hunt
Start teams
William H Macy / Samuel L Jackson
Woody harrelson / Vicki Sirois
Elfe Furrhmann / Betty White
Will Smith / Darius Sullivan
Cameron Diaz / Paris Hilton
I own nothing but this crazy plot, and my three OC's. I don't own Frank, there is no Frank.
-Allright, so you guys must wonder why you're all here?
-Not really, I'm getting paid anyways.
They all laughed at Samuel Leroy Jackson's joke, all standing in line in front of the nowhere guy that none of them knew.
-My name is Frank, and I will be your guide. You guys have all been selected by a friend of mine to compete in some sort of treasure hunt. The prize is nothing short of 10 million dollars. He chose the challenges himself, and the first pairings. Mister William Hall Macy, you will be teaming with Mister Jackson here. Mister Woody Harrelson, you will be paired with the wonderful Miss Vicki Sirois, for you who don't live in New York, she is one of New York's most famous radio DJ.
Vicki and Woody smiled at each other, while William and Samuel were catching up, trying not to disturb anyone.
-Miss WWE Woman's champion Elfe Furrhmann, you will be teaming with Miss Betty White.
Elfe laughed out loud, nodding in approval. It was evident she hoped to be teamed with the golden girl.
-Big fan, Miss White.
-Same here, Miss Juicy.
-Mister Will Smith, you will be paired with our beloved walking depression, Darius Sullivan.
-Back off, man. I'll write a song about you!
Vicki laughed her head off, imagining the angst of Mundane Suicide's next single, earning herself a dark look from Darius.
-And finally. Miss Cameron Diaz and Miss Paris Hilton will be teaming together.
-Look, I said I would agree to pretty much anything, but that's not it.
-Cam, it's just until she gets eliminated.
Cameron had a strange laugh, smiling at her longtime friend Elfe, who brushed her thick black hair back.
-Whatever. What do we need to do?
-First, you will need to decide with your teammate which of you will do the first challenge, knowing it's a physical challenge. William and Samuel?
They looked at each other, not too sure, and Samuel smiled, raising his hand.
-I guess, I hit the gym more often than him.
-Woody, Vicki?
-Woody. Sorry, I'm throwing you under the bus on this one.
Woody smiled at Vicki, who raised her hands in self defense.
-If something gross comes up, I'll do it.
-Fine.
-Elfe, Betty?
Elfe shot Frank a dark look, as if she would really let 89 years old Betty do some heavy lifting and stuff.
-Are you fucking kidding me? I'm six two, with a better looking six pack them Sam's...
-Elfe, then. Will, Darius?
-I'll do it. I don't really trust this guy.
Another laugh from Vicki, after the non disguised diss of Darius by Will, and Cameron came forward before her team was even asked, like Paris would even lift a finger.
-All right then. Your challenge will be to strip naked, and swim in this ice cold water all the way to the breathing hole over there. The last one to arrive at the hole will see a member of their team eliminated. Are you ready?
The five naked people stripped naked as fast as they could, and Elfe was the first one to jump in the water, while the others were hesitant. They were standing on a sheet of ice almost in the Arctic Circle, it was freezing cold. Nonetheless, they jumped in, following the buoys that were underwater, and the five remaining people anxiously waited to see who would arrive at the breathing hole first.
Vicki jumped in joy as Woody literally jumped out of the hole, and she grabbed him in her arms, wrapping her coat around him to warm him up. A couple of seconds later, Samuel emerged, unhappy.
-Why the fuck did you kick me?
-No one said it was against the rules. Sorry.
Sam yelped as he was pulled back in the water, Elfe laughing her head off as she climbed on the sheet of ice, only to be spanked by Samuel. Will soon emerged, pulling Cameron behind him. He found the nerve to joke as he was pounding Cameron's chest to help her gain consciousness.
-Fucking Woody just went by all us like a rocket man! And this lad here got lost and started to panic, had to go back.
Cameron finally came to, coughing her brains out under everyone's stairs.
-I should have gone myself, stupid blonde that can't swim a straight line.
They could not help but burst in laughter as Paris posed, holding her bag to her side. She was pissed off because all of their electronics had been taken away so they could not cheat in later challenges. Her pal Lindsay would have pissed her pants off to hear about the no-one's she was stuck with.
-All right so Cameron, Paris, you guys are the last team to make it to the breathing hole, one of you has to go home.
-I'm not going home. I want 10 million dollars, and she's the one that lost. Bye, bye, Cameron.
Paris had a self-satisfied smile as Cameron stormed off, pissed out of her mind.
-So I almost died for you to get a shot at 10 mil, and that's how you thank me? I know people, bitch!
-All right, so let's move to your second and last challenge of the day. Paris, I will randomly select your new team with my iphone right here. There, you will be with Elfe and Betty.
-Oh, yiptee fucking doo.
-It's call self preservation, bitch.
Vicki stared, not too sure, and shook her head.
-You're kind of 10 minutes too late for that line; Cameron has been gone for 5 minutes.
-Whatever, I'm hot.
Frank raised his hands to stop the bickering between the two women, a smile on his face.
-This challenge is a food challenge, pick your player.
-Me, me, me!
Woody laughed as Vicki was jumping up and down the best she could, even jumping on his back to be taller and seen.
-All right, baby girl, you can do this, I'm still freezing cold.
-Woody's the best!
-William, Samuel?
-William's turn.
-Elfe, Betty, Paris?
-Let that blonde bimbo do something useful, for once.
-I'm not blonde!
Elfe laughed her head off as Betty acted offended, winking at young Frank collusively, and Paris acted offended, but still stepped forward to stand beside Vicki.
-Will, Darius?
-I'll do it. Maybe I'll choke to death.
-Always so chipper, Darius!
-Shut up, Vicki.
-Oh my god! He has some sort of self defense power!
Frank was already getting fed up with the bunch, raising his hands to stop them once again.
-Here's your challenge.
He pointed a table that magically appeared behind them, that contained four glasses of white liquid that looked suspicious.
-What's in there?
-SEMEN!
Paris jumped at the table, chugging the big glass that had her name on it, before making a face.
-That semen has turned.
Vicki, who was taking her time, trying to contain her gagging, laughed.
-That's because it's turned milk.
They all had a laugh as Paris tried to contain her retching, encouraged to puke by her teammates, who hoped she would puke her brains out so they could eliminate her, but she held on bravely, while William H Macy was puking his brains out, kneeling under the table. Darius, for his part, had the most spectacular almost puke, catching it in his hand as it came out, to shove it back in his mouth, forcing himself to swallow.
-Ahh, William, Samuel, sorry. One of you guys must go.
-Is there any more gross stuff like that coming up?
-Even grosser.
-Than I'm out.
Samuel stared as William H Macy walked away, shivering and still retching. He was worried that now he'd be teamed up with Paris, and was eyeballing her suspiciously.
-All right, so right now, you guys will get on the bus, and we'll roll to our next destination. No one's allowed to talk to each other, so don't even try. Get some sleep now, because when we arrive, it's on. We'll make new teams tomorrow.
-Rise and shine! Here are your new teams. Elfe will team with Darius. Samuel will team with Vicki. Will and Woody. And finally, Betty and Paris. Your first task today is to count the money in the bag that one of your teammate has, and come with me with the total. You only have the chance to give me one answer, make it the right one. In case everyone has the good answer, the last team to tell me the number will lose a member. Go!
Vicki and Samuel
-We need a tactic. We need to be efficient, missy.
-Take the bills, make piles of one hundred, we'll count them after, I'll handle the change.
-Good thinking.
Vicki smiled at Samuel, who was really starting to think he could shamelessly cheat on his wife to have a little piece of that firecracker of a woman.
Will and Woody.
-four, five, six, seven, eight, ten, eleven.
-Will, you missed nine.
-What?
-You went from eight to ten, and you didn't count nine.
-I had two bills in my hand, would you let me count?
-I'll bust your face; don't talk to me like that.
Will stared at Woody, who was counting in silence, wishing he could tell him how he truly felt about white men.
Betty and Paris
-Seventy one, seventy two, what are you doing?
-I don't count money, I make money.
-Well you better get to it before I knock your teeth out.
Paris sighed, grabbing a pile of bills that were neatly stacked to recount them again.
Elfe and Darius.
-Fucking shit bitch cunt whore dickwad faggot ass tits...
-What are you doing?
Elfe stopped, looking at Darius like he had just asked the dumbest question in the world. She scratched her nose, putting the pile of bills she was holding down.
-I'm counting. I suck with numbers, but I seem to be very good at retaining how many times I swore. It's my meds.
-Oh.
-Why, how do you count?
-One, two, three?
-I'm gonna have a panic attack!
-Forty six thousand, eight hundred and three dollars.
-Will and Woody, congratulations! You can have some food.
They both jumped on the small buffet table, starving that no one fed them for 2 hours, while Vicki approached, repeating the number, being sent to food with Samuel. Soon enough Elfe skipped their way, a big smile on her face.
-46 thousand swears and eight hundred and three bucks.
-And she really said 46 thousand swears in the past five hours.
-That's 150 swears a minute.
-Yep!
Elfe had a proud smile, going to grab some grub until some hours later, Betty approached.
-Paris will be going home, now.
Paris approached, bearing a pretty shiner, and Betty went to sit with Elfe, who joked with her.
-There's 46 thousand 803 dollars. My left pinky is worth more than that. And I'm not going home.
-All right, everyone gets to stay, because I can bend the rules as I see fit. It's like that, and I'll do what I want, and suck on my nuts.
-Ok!
-PARIS! It was a figure of speech, you dumb bitch!
Paris sat down, bummed out that she would not get to perform any kind of sexual acts, waiting to know what the next challenge was.
-All right, so right now, we're in China, you have two days to get to the Philippines on your own dime. Good luck.
-How the fuck did we get from the Arctic Circle to China?
-I just did it, don't question me! Go, dammit!
-You're one fishy mother fucker.
Elfe and Darius
-Allright, so if I challenge people to some games of arm wrestling, at 5 bucks a shot; we can make pretty good money in the next couple of hours. Enough to get us on a ferry or whatever.
-And I can sit at a street corner and sing songs to get money.
-Good enough. Let's do this.
Betty and Paris.
-How are we going to do this? I don't have any ideas.
-Let's just find a payphone, daddy's going to book us a flight first class, we'll be there in no time.
Betty stared for a second, before smiling. It was not technically against the rules.
-Ok.
Will and Woody
-Men, I don't have a clue, how do we do this?
-I want you.
-WHAT?
-I mean. I want you, Woody.
-AHHH!
Will started to chase Woody, without realizing they were heading north instead of south.
Samuel and Vicki.
They had already started to walk south, in silence until Samuel raised his head.
-I think we're in Shanghai.
-I can just rob a people or two; we'll be strapped for cash.
-You'd do that?
-Who the hell knows Vicki Sirois here? For five million dollars I would. You know how many wheelchairs I could have with that money?
She grabbed a man who was wearing a three piece suit, pushing her fingers in his throat.
-Gimme your money, mother fucker!
She walked away with about 600 bucks, smiling at Samuel.
-There. We're strapped, let's steal a boat.
Waiting at the finish line, in Manila, Frank smiled at Paris and Betty, who seemed like best friends. It had been barely three hours since the challenge had started, as they stopped in front of him.
-Sorry to tell you, you guys are second, but congratulations.
-Who the hell made it before us?
-Will and Woody. You know how fast a white guy can swim when threatened to have a penis stuffed in his butt?
-Wow. That's hot.
-You guys can get settled at the hotel, we'll have the new teams' tomorrow.
Some hours later, Vicki and Samuel were walking through Manila, Sam carrying the young woman on his back as she was sleeping, and they stopped in front of Frank, who congratulated them for being third.
-All right, you guys get settled, we'll have someone waking you up in the morning.
Back in China, Elfe was standing in jail, pissed out of her mind.
-That's what you get for picking up fights.
-That's what you get for panhandling.
-I wasn't panhandling.
-Motherfucker, I'll kill you!
-They stood in front of Frank, exhausted from the lack of sleep, as the hotel wasn't exactly a hotel, more a brothel where they heard people having loud sex all night. Will had spent the night making sexual advances at Woody, who ended up punching him in the face, and Betty had spent the night fapping, while Paris was staring, eating some cheetos. Vicki on the other hand, had slept like a baby, used to hear loud sex all night, hell with the roommate she had...
-All right, so I randomly picked teams using my random app on my iphone, and I did not cheat, proof, I wanted to have a all male team and an all female team, but it failed. So, anyways. Here are your teams for the day. Will and Betty. Paris and Samuel. Woody and Vicki. Your first challenge today is to have a complete sexual intercourse. Whoever comes first might get eliminated.
-Motherfucker? You couldn't have that challenge yesterday when I was with the hottie?
-Yay! I'm going to have sex with Woody harrelson!
-Bitch, you ain't woman enough to take my man!
-What the fuck was that, Will? You're fucking sick!
They settled in the semi private rooms, where Frank was checking on their progress. In room A, Will could not get it up, not until he started to think of Woody as Betty was getting busy on him, after taking her teeth off.
In room B, Samuel was reluctantly getting busy, thinking of Vicki, but he was too pissed off that she was getting laid with Woody to be efficient.
In room C, Vicki and Woody were enjoying themselves shamelessly, until Vicki touched hum bum hole, calling another man's name. He immediately went flat, thank god, because he was about to lose this bout of the challenge.
In the end, Will lost it, thinking of Woody too hard, screaming his name, leaving a very insulted Betty white to wonder WTF.
-All right, so Will Smith is eliminated! Good having you, Will.
In room B, Samuel ran to the shower, wanting to properly FAP thinking of Vicki, without having Paris' skanky butt in his face.
And in room 3, Woody was rubbing his butthole, a scared look on his face.
-Who the fuck is Nick? And why did you touch my bum hole?
-Nick's my boyfriend, and he likes when I touch his bum hole!
-Don't ever do that again!
-Not even for five million dollars?
-Bitch, you're crazy!
-All right, gather up! Time for the next challenge! One more is person getting eliminated today. This will be an individual challenge. Come here.
They walked to the table, where Frank revealed five bowls filled with live cockroaches. Near it, another table filled with five empty bowls.
-Ah, motherfucker, no way! I'm fucking out of here; I don't need them 10 mil that bad.
-Sam! Don't go!
He slammed the door behind him, and Paris smiled.
-That means we don't have to do it?
-Seems like that. Oh well. Moving on, get in the bus, and I'll make new teams.
The bus stopped rolling about an hour later, and they were in Australia (Don't question Frank; he's a fairy, or something.). They stepped out of the bus, and Frank smiled at them.
-All right, so this is the next to last challenge. Woody and Betty will teal, and Paris and Vicki. You have to go through the maze, and there's a shooter waiting for you at the end of the maze. Good luck.
Paris and Vicki entered the labyrinth, arms linked, for some reason, now they were friends, and Woody smiled at Betty.
-Let's cheat and use the map.
-Okay!
When Vicki and Paris walked out of the maze, six hours later, they were not friends anymore. Vicki downed her shooter, so did Paris, and Frank smiled.
-Good, you just drank a shooter of pig's blood.
Immediately, Woody started to wretch, puking the drink he had nearly two hours before, making Paris puke. Frank looked at them, hesitant, and came to a decision.
-Woody puked first, but Paris walked out of the maze last. Paris is eliminated.
-Fuck you, redneck! I'll sue you! This is torture. MOMMYYY!
Paris ran away, only to fall on her face, tripped by Vicki.
-Shut up, stupid bitch! I hate your voice!
-All right, the last challenge. Behind this door lays two suitcases each filled with 5 million dollars in cash. In that tank, lays 3 keys, only one unlocks this door. One key unlocks the consolation prize of an acting gig. The third one contains a bed filled with bed bugs that you will have to sleep in until tomorrow morning. Go.
Woody plunged in the thick red liquid, soon followed by Vicki, while Betty took her time to undress and put her swimming goggles before sliding in the pool. Woody soon emerged with a key, stumbling out of the container, only to be pulled down by Vicki, who stole his key. She propped herself out of the container before he could react, and ran to the doors, trying to unlock them, followed by Woody, who held a new key.
-HAHAHAAH! FUCK YOU VICKI! I got the 10 mils!
-Mother fucker! I got the fucking bed! Do I get to at least take a shower?
-No.
-Where's betty?
They turned around, watching her. She was floating in the pool, her arms and legs stretched, mouth open as she was swallowing the content of the pool with an evil face on, until it was almost empty. She then stepped out, drinking Vicki and Woody's blood, before walking away with the prize money, feeling slightly bloated.
"If you talk about what happened here today, I will find you and dismember you!" she said with her charming old lady smile.
A/N: Tell me what you thought. If you want more, I can make more chapters with more characters, and I am open to suggestions! Read and Review, I kind of craze them, these days.