Gazing into the Abyss
A tag to Abandon All Hope
Failure had never felt so achingly degrading. The three men watched the photo curl, burn then turn to ash in the flames wordlessly, feeling their own individual sense of misery and degradation. Dean quickly turned on his heel and left the others to go outside. He was finding himself feeling suffocated.
"Dean?" Sam said, turning to follow when Bobby grabbed his arm.
"Let him go, son. He needs time to come to grips. We all do," Bobby said.
Sam nodded and walked into the living room then sat dejectedly onto the sofa.
Dean gulped in the cold night air, feeling as if he were drowning and gasping for air. Then the inevitable feeling of bile rose up and he couldn't stop it. He grabbed the porch railing and emptied the contents of whatever was in his stomach onto whatever patch of dirt was beyond it. He couldn't even remember the last meal he had eaten. Once the spasms stopped, he wiped his mouth and tried to steady himself, still breathing raggedly.
Everything had failed. Worse, Jo and Ellen had died banking their hopes on him and Sam as well as the Colt only for everything to fail. Dean felt loss, but he also felt pride for Jo and Ellen. He felt honored to have known them and hoped they knew that. To think their sacrifice had been a waste would be dishonoring their memory so he refused to think of their deaths that way. They had died with hope and he'd be damned if he would let that hope die with them.
Still, Dean was human. After watching Lucifer rise from a point blank shot to the bastard's head using the Colt, who could blame him for wondering if their plan had all been a waste? His defiance against becoming Michael's vessel seemed like an empty threat now. Every attempt at changing what everyone else was telling them was inevitable, to thwart the destiny he and Sam were seemingly facing, seemed completely futile. Dean had never felt so tired in his life.
"It's not your fault," Castiel said as he appeared next to Dean.
"You know, I'm beginning to think we need to put a bell on you," Dean said after being startled.
When he saw that Cas wasn't getting the joke, he just turned his gaze skyward.
"I know," Dean said. "Doesn't make the loss any less."
Cas nodded.
"Did you know that the Colt wouldn't work?" Dean asked.
"I had my doubts," Cas said bluntly, but with no cruelty in his voice.
"Then why did you let us go in there?"
"I wasn't sure it wouldn't work and I wanted to give you hope."
"Yeh, right, hope. I'm beginning to wonder if there is any."
"When there is life, there is always hope."
"Look at you? Getting all Hallmark on me," Dean said, a small smile on his face.
Once again, Cas just stared, not understanding. Dean's expression then became serious again.
"I'm giving everything I got to keep hope alive, but it's getting harder to do. Jo and Ellen, they were counting on us. I don't want their deaths to have been for nothing."
"I understand, but Dean, never forget that this is war and in war, there are always losses. It cannot be escaped."
"I know, you're right, but…" Dean stuttered as he rubbed his temples.
"Are you questioning your choice to refuse being Michael's vessel?"
"No," Dean said softly, but still emphatically. "No, I still believe it's the worst thing to do, but the Colt was our last chance and we're running out of options here."
Dean looked out into the dark night sky.
"'He who fights monsters should look into it that he himself does not become a monster. When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you,'" Dean said. "Neitzsche."
Dean looked over at Cas and saw the amazed look on his face.
"What? I read. Why doesn't anyone believe me?" Dean protested lightly as he turned back to the night sky. "Probably sticks in my head because sometimes I wonder…"
"About what?" Cas asked.
"I once told Sam that it scared me, all the things I was willing to…have done for my family. Now, I wonder if that's what's got us all here in the first place."
"Dean, we all have our own destiny –"
"No, I can't believe that everything that's happened was all planned out, that none of us had choices."
"Is blaming the choices you made any better?" Cas countered.
Dean gave Cas a snicker.
"Touché, Cas, touché. No, I suppose not."
Dean sat down in a nearby chair and took in a deep breath.
"I guess I wonder if I've seen too much darkness to save the world. Maybe I won't have what it takes like you and Zach seem to think I do."
"Darkness is ever present. Without it, we would not know light. Just as if we did not have doubt, we would not have faith. These are the immutable facts. It's what we chose that gives reality to one or the other. You have more than proven that you have defeated the worst darkness any human can endure and emerged whole."
"Am I, Cas?"
"Are you what?"
"Whole," Dean said. "Maybe Sam's right. Maybe I left a part of myself back there in Hell."
Dean looked up at Cas then again at the night sky.
"Why would you think that?"
"I know that Jo and Ellen…they were casualties, but I can't help thinking I could have saved them, that they didn't have to die. I can't help wondering if I'm not the man I was."
Dean took in a breath and sat back into the chair. He was feeling confused and conflicted. He wasn't the same Dean who wallowed in self-recrimination and guilt, but that didn't mean that he could stop himself from feeling each loss. A certain sense of responsibility did fall on him when someone died on his watch. He knew that part of him was far too ingrained to change, not for Sam, not for the world.
"I regret that the weight of the world and its survival falls upon you," Cas paused. "On you both. What you and Sam do will determine the fate of the world."
"Thanks for the reminder," Dean joked. "No pressure or anything."
"What I know is that in the time I have been given to watch you, I know you are the right man. My Father knew you were the right man and I trust His judgment even if I don't trust my own. You are a righteous man, Dean. It's all the qualification you need to save the world."
Dean smiled at Cas's words of confidence then looked wistfully skyward as if to see Heaven for himself.
"When the hellhounds attacked us…I wasn't afraid…for everyone else, yeh, but not for myself. When Jo sacrificed herself to save me, I can't help feeling she died for nothing, that she didn't have to do that."
"She believed in you, in the cause we all fight for. She didn't die for nothing, Dean. As for the hellhounds, I can only believe that after having gone through Hell yourself, you no longer fear it."
"I don't have a death wish, Cas. I don't want to go back there."
"I know you don't. You understand what Hell is like in ways none of us can ever imagine and returned to bring back lessons learned here. You know what a Hell on Earth will be like and you will do everything in your power to stop that from happening. You may not believe it in yourself, but I believe we'll succeed because you're determined to stop that, because you know a Hell on Earth is inconceivable."
"I can't be sure I can. You can't. No one can."
"It's not about certainty, Dean, it's about belief and belief is everything. It's all we have."
"Will that be enough?"
"It will have to be."
ooooo
Sam sat dejectedly on the couch. Losing Jo and Ellen was crushing, but selfishly he wasn't thinking about them at that moment. He was thinking about his conversation with Lucifer, one that he hadn't shared with Dean and Bobby yet. He would though. No more secrets. He had vowed that to himself. Though a part of him kept trying to convince himself that Lucifer was just goading him, that nothing he had said was true, he couldn't do it. Being honest with himself had been another vow that he had made to himself, no more self-denial. He couldn't afford it, none of them could, not with so much at stake, still, Lucifer had been right. He was filled with rage, a rage that he couldn't calm. It would be forgotten when he and Dean were working a case, but when he had to fight, it all came rushing back, a dark, red flash of anger that sometimes clouded his mind and more disturbing, that he couldn't control once it was released, not until it had been dissipated, and only temporarily, after a brutal fight.
Where was the rage coming from? He honestly didn't know. It would just come over him. Was he still angry at Dean? He didn't want to be, but what if the rage had a mind of its own? Stupid, maybe, but what if there was so much inside of him that there was no way to get rid of it? Lucifer had said he had wanted to use it as if it were a weapon, as if Sam was a weapon. Did that mean that when…no, if, if Lucifer somehow possessed him, he would channel all the rage inside of him against innocents? It frightened Sam, more frightening was the certainty that Lucifer felt Sam would submit. Sam knew he had done enough damage with his delusion of grandeur, he was positive that he would never give Lucifer permission, at least not if it were a choice between him and the end of the World. But…Dean, Bobby, could Sam let Lucifer use them as leverage against him? Could he refuse at their expense? They would tell him that he had to, that nothing was more important that disavowing Lucifer, not even their lives, but Sam still felt the sting of the first time he had turned his back on them, let them both down by releasing Lucifer, to sacrifice them after all that, it gave him pain.
"Quarter for your thoughts," a voice broke him from his thoughts.
"Huh?" Sam said as he looked up to see Dean there.
"Hey, in this economy, I figure your thoughts are worth more than a penny these days," Dean joked.
Sam just gave him a half-hearted smile to humor his brother.
"Okay, I get it. Stupid joke. Where were you just now?"
"I was thinking about Jo and Ellen…"
"Yeh, me too," Dean said solemnly. "But they'd want us to keep fighting."
"I know."
"Then what?"
"When Lucifer knocked you cold, we had a little 'talk'. I mean I know he was just goading me, but…"
"What did he say?" Dean asked worriedly.
"I was angry over what he had done to Jo and Ellen, to the townspeople…to you and I told him that I would kill him myself, but he just encouraged me saying he'd need that rage."
"Sam, -"
"I know that he was just trying to make me question myself, but Dean, he wasn't lying about my anger, my rage. I can't seem to control it."
"Sam, everyone is feeling that. I am too. The Colt didn't work, we lost Jo and Ellen -"
"You don't understand, Dean. The anger and rage, it comes in a wave and I keep reaching for it. I don't even have to try. It's always there."
Dean tried to process what Sam was telling him and didn't know how to comfort him, reassure him.
"I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop it. That if anything happens to you or Bobby, I'll let the wave crash in on me and Lucifer will take me over."
"Sam, you have to consent, remember? Just like I do. You won't do that. I know that. You know that."
"Do I? What if my rage does it for me?"
"What are you talking about?"
"What if all Lucifer has to do to get consent is to drive me to the point where I would give it to him in the madness that comes over me? And there's madness, Dean, I've felt it. A blinding, out of control, single-minded madness."
"Sam, you're just finding reasons to keep on blaming yourself. Believe me, I know what's that like, I get that, but I don't do it anymore. You know why?"
Sam shook his head.
"Because I believe in the people around me, you, Bobby. And I've learned to keep moving. No matter what happens, I know I have to keep on going, for you, Bobby, for my own sanity, and for the world. I've learned to let go of what I can't change. I feel awful about what happened to Ellen and Jo and will always feel like I let them die on my watch. I know you do too. That's been hard wired into us, we can't change that, don't think I'd want to, it keeps me honest, but feeling that can't keep you from getting past it, living with it. You have to put it behind you as hard as that is to do. You can't let it cost you. I'll never let what happened to us before happen again, but I need you to fight. I need you to stop doubting yourself."
Sam listened to his brother's words and nodded.
"I'll try, Dean."
"Do or do not, there is no try," Dean half-joked.
He wanted the meaning to come across, but he also wanted Sam to start on the path to getting beyond his confrontation with Lucifer and he hoped humor would help. Dean may not have said it to Sam or Bobby, but he was determined to put that bastard back into the Hell hole he came from himself with his bare hands. Lucifer was not getting Sam, not on his watch.
FIN