AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well, I'm back! I hope this tickles you guys' funny bone. I'm not sure about the whole Muggle card games thing, only because I'm American and I'm not sure what sort of card games they have in Britain...let alone 1990s Britain! But it's okay; hopefully it'll make some sense and you guys will laugh. Enjoy! Don't forget to review -- CONSTRUCTIVE criticism please, people :)
DISCLAIMER: This story was written based on characters and situations created by J.K. Rowling. No money is being made, and no trademark infringement is intended.
SUMMARY: Draco's good for a friendly (or not so much) game of Exploding Snap, but it's a completely different world when Harry tries to teach him how to play Muggle card games. HP/DM slash, not really fluffy but you get the idea.
Shuffle His Deck Clean
The night was young and Draco Malfoy sat in his four-poster bed, bored to tears. After dinner that evening Draco had invited his new boy toy, Harry Potter, down to his dormitory for a little late-night play time, but even that wasn't working out. Harry sat on the floor in front of the bed, goofing around with his ruddy Muggle playing cards. When Draco was thinking of fun, this is not what he had in mind. Staring aimlessly at the floor where Harry sat Draco sighed, fidgeting on top of his emerald covers. He was beginning to think that inviting Harry to his dormitory wasn't such a good idea after all.
"Harry," Draco said, impatience finally getting the better of him.
"What?" Harry answered.
"I demand you ravish me or something...I'm dying of boredom over here!"
"I'm sure you are," Harry sniggered.
"Is this your idea of a joke?? 'Cause if it is, it's not funny."
"Well, if you want to be entertained so much why don't you come down here and play cards with me?" Harry invited.
"Do I look insane? I wouldn't be caught dead playing with Muggle cards."
"I refuse to shag until you come down here and play," Harry demanded.
"All right, fine! Making everything so bloody difficult..." and Draco climbed down off of his four-poster and sat across from Harry.
Draco cursed himself under his breath. If he hadn't fallen for that stupid prat's pitiful advances he wouldn't be in this mess. It was just too bad Harry's lust-filled, emerald eyes and full, soft lips proved too much for Draco to resist. Draco glanced at the Muggle playing card deck and heaved a sigh; this was going to be a long night. Exploding Snap was one thing, but Muggle cards were completely foreign to him. Not that Harry didn't expect that; he grew up in Malfoy Manor after all, which was as anti-Muggle a place as you could find in the wizarding world.
"So, how do we play?" Draco asked, eager to get this over with.
"Well...I suppose we can start off with a game called Speed. It's very simple, but to win it takes mastering."
"Oh please, Potter, I could beat you in any Muggle card game with both hands tied behind my back. How hard could it be?"
"Fine, Malfoy, if you're so clever. Here's how it works; we split the deck into two. I pile these cards up like so, these cards here, and we each get these two big piles. The goal is to try to get rid of all the cards in your hand and you empty them onto these two piles," Harry pointed at two cards in the center, "in chronological order. The first to an empty hand wins. Get it?"
"Got it," Draco said, unimpressed.
"Good. Ready to start?"
"I was born ready."
So the game began. Keeping only five cards from his pile in his hand at all times (another rule), Harry threw cards in his hand down onto the two smallest piles with rapid succession. Draco marveled at how fast he slapped the cards down, but realizing the game was called Speed he figured it was smart of him to go as quickly as possible. Things ran smoothly until Draco ran into a dead end; none of the five cards he held followed the ones on the piles chronologically. Draco looked bemused as Harry finally recognized his predicament.
"Now what?" Draco asked.
"Ooooh, guess I forgot to mention that part. See these two piles off to the side here? We flip these if we don't have the next chronological card in our hand to put down. We both flip one over together. I'll flip this side, you take the other."
"You forgot to mention that part?? You're cheating!" Draco whined.
"Shut up, Draco."
"All right then, let's flip."
They each flipped a card and to Draco's great relief, there emerged a six of hearts. Making sure that the suits didn't matter, Draco ecstatically threw his seven of spades down on the pile. Harry kept pace with lightening speed, and Draco kept glancing at the clock; he wasn't trying to make this a sleep over. Shagging obviously wasn't at the front of Harry's mind; he could tell by how concentrated he was on the cards in front of him.
Draco began to slow down as his attention wandered to the sheets of the bed and the body of the boy across from him. Not that he was obsessed with sex or anything, but Draco was getting a little antsy. Harry took full advantage of this momentary weakness and his pile emptied faster and faster. With a quick snap back to reality, Draco began once again to get rid of cards (careful to obey that dodgy chronological order rule). Despite his effort, Draco wasn't quick enough; on the last pile Harry threw a Jack of Hearts down on a ten of diamonds and cried, "Speed!" Draco looked flabbergasted at defeat.
"Damn you, Potter."
"You're just mad 'cause you lost," Harry teased.
"Thank you for stating the obvious." Draco said, scowling.
"Tell you what, let's play a different game. How about BS?"
"What the hell is that?"
"BS stands for bull shit. I'll explain; we divide up the entire deck and go back and forth putting down cards in chronological order. However many cards of one number you have, you can put down. If you think I'm lying about the card I'm putting down, yell out BS. If you're wrong, you pick up all the cards in the pile. If you're right, I pick up all the cards. First to an empty hand wins. Ready?"
"Not another one of these bollocks chronological order, first-to-empty games!"
"Come on, Draco, just play! Look, this is the last one and then we can do...well..." Harry grinned devilishly.
About damn time, Potter, Malfoy thought as he graciously accepted Harry's proposal. Harry shuffled the deck magically and then divided it into two piles. Putting down card after set of cards, the game continued with Draco wearing the notion that he was a sore loser on his sleeve. "BS!" Harry shouted when Draco claimed he'd put down three queens. Sure enough, upon lifting up the cards (which Draco tried in vain to stop, including catching him in a sudden and sloppy snog) Harry discovered that he had been lying and forced the entire pile of cards into Draco's hand.
Harry quickly found out how competitive Malfoy really was. As soon as Harry laid down his last card and cried "BS Out!" signaling his victory, Draco threw down his (somewhat large) pile and screamed like a little bitch. This forced a very disgruntled Harry to play a new game; 52 pick-up. Not only was Draco a sore loser, he was still an immature git. Despite all of this, Harry had one more trick up his sleeve.
"All right, one more game and then I'm all yours," Harry bargained.
"What?? You little liar – you tricked me!" Draco shouted.
"Oh come on! This one will be fun and it's easy! It's called Uno."
"You know what, I'm going to bed."
"Nooo, come on! It'll only take a minute. Look, here's how we play."
As Harry explained Draco's eyebrow lifted slightly, skeptical that this game would be any better than the previous two. Here we bloody go again, Draco thought. It wasn't enough that he hadn't had his shag-fest yet, but this idiot was forcing him to play stupid Muggle cards. This was a perfectly planned evening where everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong. Heaving another heavy sigh as Harry finished telling him how to play Uno, he decided it wouldn't hurt to play his wretched games. Harry dealt seven cards to himself and Draco, put a deck in the middle with one card on the side and the boys began to play.
To Draco's pleasant surprise, Uno was easier than the previous two games. For the first time since their ordeal began Draco was winning the game. Down to two cards, he smirked and watched Harry fumble nervously with his own. Draco laughed to himself; it did his heart good to make Harry "The Boy Who Lived" Potter squirm. Sweat began to drip down Harry's brow as he hesitated with his hand. It appeared as though he was trying to figure out which card to place.
"How about we raise the stakes in this one a bit?" Draco proposed. His cocky side was beginning to take over.
"Like how?" Harry asked, still more sweat sliding down his face.
"Winner's prize is oral sex performed on them."
"A-a-are you sure about that, Draco?" Harry sounded even more nervous.
"Most definitely."
"Well then, you'd better get your mouth ready! Skip you," he laid a red Skip card down, "Reverse back to me," he laid a red Reverse card down, "Uno," he laid a red 3-card down, "Uno Out!" And he laid down another 3-card, this one yellow. Draco's mouth flew open.
"How the bloody hell did you do that??"
"It's easy. Since there's only two of us, Reverses and Skips go right back to me. Triples and doubles means I can put down two cards of the same number, even if they're different colors. So you see, Draco darling, I win," Harry smirked.
"You...you...you bastard!" Draco shouted. He'd been beaten at his own mind game and he didn't like it one bit.
"Now, as I understand it my prize is oral sex..."
"Bite me, Potter."
"Oh go on then, I'll surrender my prize and go down on you instead," Harry bargained, smirking away.
"Nice try, but give it up. You beat me at my own game and now you have to pay," Draco smirked right back.
"Oooh, I'm trembling..." Harry snickered back sarcastically.
"You'd better be."
With that, Draco captured Harry's lips in a gentle but determined kiss. Harry responded, and before they knew it Draco's four-poster was occupied, shades drawn and cast with a genius silencing charm.
Finally, Draco got his shag-fest wish.