This story contains strong language, graphic violence and sexual content of a graphic nature. This story is NOT for readers under the age of 18.

I don't own Skyrim. Bethesda does.

Skyrim

Tale of the Dragonborn

Crownoh watched as Hadvar walked away down the side of the mountain. They had literally just escaped Helgen with their lives before Hadvar was running away, so to speak. "Great." Crownoh muttered to himself. "I'm on vacation for five minutes and I get busted for crossing the border. Fan-fucking-tastic." he said to himself as he watched the Nord walk away. "Well, guess I better head to Riverwoodie like he suggested. Who names a village Riverwoodie anyway?" he asked as he started following the trail.A few minutes later, he came across a mine being guarded by one mean looking motherfucker. This bastard was fucking tall and built like a statue. Crownoh hid in the bushes, hoping like crazy this tall son of a bitch wouldn't see him. unfortunately, Crownoh was as stealthy as a yak during mating season. So, needless to say, the guy guarding the mine door saw him. "Oh, you're fucked now, pipsqueak!" the bandit yelled as he pulled out a pair of iron axes. "Fuck!" Crownoh yelled as he drew his own sword. The bandit rushed him and swung his right ax upwards towards Crownoh's head. Crownoh ducked to his right and punched the bandit with a hard right hook, forcing him to drop his left ax. Being left-handed, Crownoh then swung his sword at the bandit's gut, cutting the prick deep. The bandit yelped in pain, his free hand shooting to his wound. "Fucker!" he yelled as he head butted Crownoh, breaking his nose. The bridge of Crownoh's nose split, gushing blood on his face. "AW, SHIT!" Crownoh yelled as he backed up, temporarily blinded. The bandit backhand pimp-slapped him, knocking Crownoh off his feet. Crownoh saw the bandit raise his ax to finish him off. He looked down slightly and kicked the guy in the balls. The tall guy dropped his ax and cupped his nuts as he fell over, whimpering like a bitch. Normally when a guy gets hit there, it's ok if he groans in pain. But this guy was moaning like a complete and utter pussy, the bitch. Crownoh grabbed his sword and climbed to his feet. "You're fucked now." Crownoh said just before he stabbed the bandit in the throat and twisted the blade, making the hole bigger so more blood would spray out. And spray out it did, Quentin Tarantino style. Crownoh held his arm up to stop the blood from hitting his already blood covered face. "Dick." Crownoh said to the now dead bandit with a big fucking hole in his neck. Crownoh then walked over to the mine and went in. A short way down the tunnel, he heard voices. "Great. More bandits." he said as he blew out a torch. As he walked down the corridor, he came to a small cavern with a bridge. Two bandits were just below him near a pool of water. They were talking about some elf they captured.

"That elf cunt's locked up in the holding cell. The fucking cunt was trying to steal my sweet roll." one bandit said. "A sweet roll? Are you fucking kidding me?" the other bandit asked. "No Dumbfuck, she was after the boss's gold. Then again, 50 million gold is enough to make anyone want to rob the boss." "50 million?" Crownoh whispered to himself. "Shit, I gotta be a part of that." Crownoh said as he pulled out a knife to throw at one of them. "And did you see her huge tits?" the other bandit said. Crownoh stopped himself before he could throw his knife. "I know, they're amazing! I'm gonna fuck that bitch and tell Trock all about it. Poor bastard doesn't know what he's missing by staying outside all fucking day." "C'mon, let's go get some elf pussy." his friend said as they turned to walk away. Crownoh threw his knife and hit the bandit on the left in the back. The bandit screamed as his buddy looked up to where Crownoh was. "Intruder! Get him!" he yelled. The two bandits rushed up the ramp and charged at Crownoh. The one with the knife in his back reached Crownoh first and swung at him. Crownoh ducked to the side and let the first bandit pass him. He yanked the knife out of the bandit's back, turned and slit the throat of the second bandit before he turned to the first bandit and stabbed him in the left eye. Crownoh then pulled out his sword and decapitated him. Both bandits fell to the floor, blood gushing all over Crownoh. "Gods damn it." Crownoh said. "I better wash this blood off. I look like a used tampon ." Crownoh jumped into the pool, turning the water way red. He swam back to shore and looked at the pool. "Shit, looks like someone stabbed Mr. Bubble." Meanwhile, at the Family Guy studio, one of the writers just happened to be reading this story and said "Hey, this guy copied our joke! Let's sue him!" (Please don't sue me, Family Guy).

"Now I gotta lower that bridge." Crownoh said. He looked around and quickly found the lever that lowered said bridge. As the bridge lowered, another bandit crossed it, looking for the other two bandits. "Quincy? Dumbfuck? Where are you guys?" Crownoh threw his knife and missed because the bandit was moving slightly faster than he anticipated. "Motherfucker!" Crownoh said loudly, before he realized what he'd done. "Dumbfuck, is that you?" the bandit asked. "Uh, sure...why not?" Crownoh replied. "Ok. Well, anyway, the boss wants you and that Redguard chick to guard the elf." The bandit looked down at the pool and saw it was full of blood. "Hey...Koolaid!" he said before he dove off the bridge and headfirst into a rock, splattering his head like a watermelon at a Gallagher show. Crownoh shook his head. "Dumbass." He crossed the bridge and went down the corridor, quickly finding a cage. "I wonder if that elf chick's down here." Crownoh said. "Yeah, she is." a voice to his right said. He turned in the direction the voice came from and his eyes turned the size of dinner plates. In the cage was an elf woman with a long, white braid, ears that stuck sideways out of her head and amazingly huge tits, just like those bandits said they were. And she was completely naked too. Footsteps suddenly came closer to the cage. "It's the guard. Hide yourself." she said. Crownoh didn't hear a single word of it. Namely because he was staring at her huge knockers. Seriously, they were easily DD cups at the very least. "The guard is coming! Hide yourself!" she whispered. "Boobies..." Crownoh drooled, still ogling her figure. "You can fuck me later, hide yourself!" she said. "...ok..." Crownoh replied as he shuffled his feet behind a support beam. The redguard approached the cage and held her torch near the elf. "What are you talking about?" she asked the elf. "My burning desire for you!" the elf said before pulling the redguard woman towards the cage and kissing her hard on the lips while snaking her right arm around her shoulder until her hand was on the back of the redguard's neck. Crownoh's jaw dropped to the floor and his eyes went dinner plate wide again. The redguard's eyes widened when she felt the elf's tongue in her mouth. The elf moaned seductively as she slid her hand down the redguard's pants and starting fingering her. Crownoh instantly got a boner, which hit the support beam, causing him to bend over, hit his head on the support beam and knock himself out. He fell to the ground with a loud thud. The redguard broke the kiss and looked in Crownoh's direction. "What was that?" she said. The elf moved her hand from the back of the redguard's neck to her chin and snapped her neck to the point where her head was backwards on her body. The redguard fell to the mine floor, blood oozing out of her nose and ears. The elf reached through the bars, took the cage keys and unlocked the door. She walked over to Crownoh, noting his boner, the bump on his head and his broken nose. 'What the hell happened to this guy?' she thought to herself. As she knelt down to see if he was still breathing, she saw his clothes were soaked. 'He'll get sick if he stays in those wet clothes.' she thought as she looked him over. Her fingers brushed against his nose when he regained conscience and sat up, his face going right into her ample bosom. Mmmm...bosom. Er, sorry, I lost track. Crownoh realized where his face was and smiled stupidly, happy he came across this mine. The elf frowned slightly and put her hands on her hips. "Do you mind?" she asked. Crownoh regretfully took his face out of her bosom and looked her in the eye. "I swear that was an accident." "You do but your boner doesn't." she blushed lightly. Crownoh looked at his pants and turned beet red. "I, uh...well..." Crownoh babbled. "Like I said, you can fuck me later. Right now, let's just focus on getting out of this mine." the elf told him as she stripped the dead redguard and put on her clothes. "By the way, the name is Miria." she told him. "Crownoh." he said as he climbed to his feet. "First thing's first though. I hear the mine boss has 50 million in gold. And I'm not leaving 'till I get it." Miria smiled at him. "Honey, we've got some gold to steal."

Suddenly, Trock, the big motherfucker from out front, tackled Crownoh and Miria. "Got you now, bitches!" he growled. "How the hell are you still alive?" Crownoh asked as he stood up. Trock just stood there for a few seconds looking at them before he lunged. Crownoh jumped out-of-the-way and Trock smacked headfirst into the support beam. "Oh fuck. RUN!" Miria shouted. They ran down the tunnel that led to another cavern, except they didn't have time to stop. "What the fuck?!" a bandit said as Crownoh and Miria ran towards him. Crownoh ran by and decapitated the guy, his head shooting up like a blood filled firecracker. "Get those fuckers!" the bandit boss yelled. Miria and Crownoh ran across a rope bridge, the bandits not too far behind. Crownoh turned around and cut the rope, snapping the bridge and dropping the bandits to the cavern floor. Trock fell and was impaled on a rock. He tried to pull himself off but the rock split and ripped him in half at the waist. As Miria ran to the mine exit, she saw a chest with a florescent light that said 'BANDIT TREASURE: 50 MILLION IN GOLD HERE'. "Well, that's convenient." She said as she picked the chest up with surprising ease. They quickly ran out of the mine and came to the top of a hill looking down at a river. Crownoh looked up and down the river, trying to get his bearings. "Ok. I think Riverwoodie is just down that way." he pointed. "It's Riverwood." Miria told him. "The town's called Riverwood." "Riverwood? Then why the hell did Hadvar say it was Riverwoodie?" "Who's Hadvar?" Miria asked, almost sounding like she was slightly jealous. "He's the guy that helped me escape from Helgen, right after a dragon attacked." "A dragon?" Miria asked, her eyes full of disbelief. "Yeah. Motherfucker burned the place down before I could be executed." "Why were you going to be executed?" she asked him. "I was crossing the border so I could go on vacation when Ulfric Dickhead runs into me with half the fucking Imperial army after him. They thought I was with him so they arrested me too." "Vacation, huh?" Miria asked. Crownoh nodded his head. "Well I'll tell you what." she said with a seductive look. "Split this gold with me. And when we get to town I'll give your dick a real vacation." she smiled as she placed her hand on his crotch. "Sounds like a plan." he said as the elf leaned in to kiss him.

Suddenly, Trock, the big motherfucker from out front, leapt onto Crownoh's back. "You're really fucked now!" Trock shouted as Crownoh lost his balance. "How is he not dead yet?" Miria yelled. Crownoh spun around in circles, trying to get the (now mini sized) bandit off of him. Trock lost his grip and flew into a tree. Crownoh quickly ran over and grabbed one of Trock's intestines. The bandit shouted and cursed as Crownoh swung him around like a grotesque ball and chain. When Crownoh let go, the bandit flew towards the riverbank, bounced off a log and landed face first in the river. Crownoh quickly ran over and pushed Trock's face into the stream. Trock flailed his arms and blew bubbles as Crownoh held him under. Eventually Trock stopped moving, so Crownoh let go. As Crownoh turned towards Miria to walk away from the riverbed, Trock again lunged at him. Crownoh caught him by the arm this time and yelled "FOR FUCK'S SAKE, DIE ALREADY!" as he flipped Trock over his head and onto a boulder before snapping what was left of his neck. Miria ran up to him."Are you ok?" she asked worryingly. "Yeah, I'm fine. It..." Crownoh stopped mid sentence and looked at Trock. Miria looked at Trock, then back to Crownoh. Half a minute went by. Trock didn't move. Crownoh stared at Trock for a few more seconds before turning back to Miria. "It's kinda hard to hurt me." Crownoh continued. Miria walked over and gently tapped Crownoh on the nose. "Aw, shit! I forgot about that!" Crownoh yelled as he recoiled in pain. "I'm sorry Crownoh. Can you forgive me?" she asked him with puppy dog eyes. "You tapped me on my broken nose, I don't think...". Crownoh didn't finish that sentence because Miria had taken he shirt off, purposely dangling her breasts in front of him. "Can you?" she said before jiggling her twins. Crownoh looked at her boobs, hypnotized by their suppleness. "...ok..." Crownoh murmured. "Alright then." Miria said as she put her shirt back on. Crownoh snapped out of his trance and remembered the chest with 50 million gold. He ran over to it and opened it. Sure enough, there was 50 million gold in there. He could tell because there were 50 $1,000,000 gold coins in the chest. Miria looked in the chest, grabbed Crownoh by the shirt collar and kissed him Bugs Bunny style. Even had that loud popping sound when she pulled away."Ahhhwwww..." Crownoh groined because of his nose. "Whoops! Sorry." she said before grabbing the bridge of his nose and snapping it back into place.

A short time later, they were finally coming up to the edge of Riverwood. Miria looked at Crownoh. "You're not mad at me about your nose, are you?" she asked. Crownoh turned to her. Miria grimaced. Crownoh's nose had swollen up big time. Seriously, it looked like he got stung in the nose by a giant bee or something. Crownoh just looked at her, his nose visible pulsating. Miria had a look like someone puked on her bare feet or something. "Well, how 'bout I buy you a drink at the inn?" she asked, trying to make him less pissed looking. Crownoh thought for a few seconds before saying "ok". But man, did he sound congested. Given how swollen his nose was though, it was understandable. The two of them walked into the local trader. "Hello, welcome to the Riverwood traders. I'm Lucien, how can I help you today?" the owner said. "Hi. Do you have any healing spells available? My friend here has a broken nose." Miria told the owner. Lucien looked at Crownoh. "Crap, woman! You weren't kidding!" Lucien shouted when he saw Crownoh's severely swollen nose. Annoyed, Crownoh exhaled loudly and looked to his left slightly. ''Weren't kidding about what?" Camilla, Lucien's totally hot sister asked as she came down the steps to the second floor. She took one look at Crownoh and raised a hand over her mouth. "Oh my!" she exclaimed. "Here, come upstairs, I'll give you something to get the swelling down." Camilla said as she took Crownoh by the hand and led him and Miria upstairs. "Uh, hey! Don't get any ideas about my sister." Lucien called up. "I'll be at the Sleeping Giant Inn if you need me." he called up to his sister. "Alright." she called back down. Camilla lightly pushed Crownoh into a chair and got a damp rag. "How did you come by this?" she asked as she dabbed the rag at his nose. "We encountered bandits earlier." Miria said as she crossed her arms. "Oh my." Camilla exclaimed. "Are either of you hurt? " she asked. "Other than my nose, no." Crownoh said. "Well, you two can stay here tonight." Camilla said. "We thank you, but what about your brother?" Miria asked. "He only runs the shop. I live here, he has a hut out back." "Alright, we'll stay. But there's only two beds. Won't one of us have to sleep on the floor?" Crownoh asked. "Because of your injury, I think it's best you share a bed with me." Camilla timidly told him. "I'll share a bed with you." Miria said. "If you think that's best, than ok." Camilla responded. Crownoh raised his eyebrows slightly, interested in where this might be going. Camilla turned back to Crownoh with a bottle of ointment. "This might sting a little." she said as she applied some to the rag. Camilla pressed the rag to Crownoh's nose. Outside, people heard a muffled scream, looked around briefly and went back to what they were doing.

Late that evening, Crownoh shifted under the covers. His nose was no longer swollen, but damn did that sting. As he finally got comfy, he heard a soft moan. He opened his eyes slightly and looked around. Meh, probably nothing. He closed his eyes. There it was again. A soft moan. He opened his eyes and looked around the room. Nothing but Camilla lifting her nightgown off and tossing it to the floor before sucking on one of Miria's large titties. Crownoh closed his eyes to- WAIT A MINUTE! He opened his eyes and looked again. Sure enough, Miria and Camilla were both naked and touching each other! Crownoh's mouth hung slightly open as he watched. Miria kissed Camilla passionately before trailing kisses down her neck to her stomach to finally between her legs. Camilla moaned as Miria slowly licked her clit, up and down at first. Then left to right, back and forth, sending waves of pleasure through her body. Camilla stroked the elf's hair as she cooed from Miria's tongue. Miria inserted her tongue into Camilla's pussy and licked in a circle as she inserted her right index finger under her tongue and began sliding it in and out. Camilla moaned even louder as Miria sucked one of her pussylips into her mouth, sucking it lovingly. "Mmmm, make me cum." Camilla purred as she watched her sexual partner go to town on her. Miria removed her finger and pressed her whole mouth against Camilla's cunt. Camilla's head shot back and a loud moan escaped her lips as she came. Miria licked up all of Camilla's cum and kissed her way up to her breasts. "Oooo, you like my breasts, don't you?" She said as Miria sucked gently on her nipple. "Oh, I love em'." Miria told her as she licked a circle around the hard nipple. Camilla sighed contentedly as she continued stroking Miria's hair. "Ok, honey it's my turn. "Camilla grinned before kissing Miria again. As their tongues invaded each other's mouth, Camilla pulled Miria's lower body up to her. Miria stood up, turned so she saw facing Camilla's feet and sat on her face. Camila gave two small licks before moving her face into Miria's vagina. Miria leaned forward and placed her hands on Camilla's tits for leverage. "Ahh, ahh, ohh..." she moaned as she began raising and lowering her pelvis onto Camilla's eager tongue. She came quickly and squirted all over Camilla's face. Camilla licked continuously as Miria's love juices splashed her face, soaking her hair and pillow. Miria arched her back and moaned before leaning forward and 69ing with Camilla.

Crownoh had quite a boner by now. His dick was literally holding up the blanket. He leaned forward, closer and closer to the women making hot, lesbianic love. unfortunately for him, he leaned too close to the edge of the bed and fell to the floor, boner first. Outside, another muffled scream was heard, only louder this time. Loud enough to wake up a stray dog and make him start barking. Later that night, Crownoh, Miria and Camilla pushed the two beds together, namely so a certain someone wouldn't fall out of bed boner first again. Crownoh was in the middle. Miria was behind him, her arm draped over him and her boobs squishing into his back. Camilla layed in front of him, her legs up against his and her face close enough to feel her breath on his beard. He was about to close his eyes when he saw Camilla lightly smiling at him. "I don't know why, but I really like you." she whispered. "You do?" he whispered back. "Yes. It's like I'm just drawn to you and powerless to resist." she said as she stroked Crownoh's left cheek with her hand. "You are?" he questioned. "Yes. I don't know why but, I think I love you." she said before inching closer to him and lightly kissing him. As she kissed him, she lead his arm around her body and placed his hand on her ass. having him squeeze it. She felt him get an erection and said "I think someone wants to come out and play." As she reached for Crownoh's pants, Miria farted. Real loud. Crownoh and Camilla screamed, covering their noses as they turned to her. Miria blushed, very embarrassed. "Sorry." she said before she farted again.