So this is just me, trying to get into Bucky's psyche as the Winter Soldier. Hope it is okay.
Disclaimer: I do not own Captain America.
There is an I when he speaks but he has long forgotten who he is. Or perhaps forgotten is not the word. He is simply just not there. He unfreezes, he does what he has to do, he goes back into cryo. There is not much thought in between that is not connected to the mission. There is annoyance perhaps if things do not go as smoothly as planned, pain if he is hurt, anger maybe if the situation demands it but otherwise, his own thoughts rarely enters his mind. And when they do, they are removed, wiped. Dread. He knows dread. He feels loss and yet still resignation when he knows he going to be wiped again. And then there is that thing that he knows is pain but is still so far from it, so much more, that he cannot fit it into the word pain. And then blankness. He reawakes, he does what he has to do, he goes back into cryo. There is not much thought in between that is not connected to the mission.
The man on bridge is the first person in a long time who has sparked a thought beyond the mission. He knew him. He knew him and he didn't know from where. He tried to tell them. Tried to say it was important because this was the first time, at least that he could remember, that he recognized someone, that something sparked in his brain. He knew him. But they didn't understand or they didn't listen. They only wanted to hear about the mission. But the man was the mission. And he knew him. He knew him, in a way he rarely knew anything again. But that knowing wasn't good. They didn't want him to know if it jeopardized the mission. Dread and loss and resignation. He wasn't going to know him again. The thing was going to come again and when it was gone he would complete the mission. Pain. Blankness. Reawakening. Violence. Calming. Mission.
Something sparks in his head again on the helicarrier. He does not know why the man acts as he does and wonders if perhaps he is stupid but brushes that away. He is not stupid only held back by something that is almost undecernable to him. He keeps all other thoughts at bay in favor of finishing the mission. But when the man helps him out from under the beam, something snaps because it's wrong. Because what he is calling him, what the man is doing is wrong and he shouldn't be acting like this and he, he himself should be feeling like this. As if everything is falling apart or crowding back together. He shouldn't be feeling this, this emotion that threatens to burst out of his chest. This, this longing. And so he pounds him, pounds the man, punches his mission in an effort to kill him, to just finish the mission in the hopes that the strange feeling would go away and things would just go back to normal after. But even that is struggling against him because he doesn't want to lose this thing that makes his brain spark inside and make him feel alive for the first time in a very long time, even though it hurts. But he keeps punching trying to just drown out everything and then when it should have been over, the last punch, the man says something.
"I'm with you till the end of the line."
And everything just goes into slow motion for a moment and then the feeling that was threatening to burst out of hi chest actually does and he is filled with longing and home and desperation and fear and he just wants to sit somewhere and scream and scream and scream.
And he watches the man drop as the helicarrier crashes and then he is falling after him. After many harrying moments he is swimming with the man in tow toward the shore. But he does not think anymore. He is suddenly numb inside and he keeps it that way. There is not much thought in between that is not connected to mission. Even a mission he has chosen for himself. He completes his mission objective of dragging the man to safety at the bank and then heads on to his next objective: safety and medical care for himself. When he is in physical health once more, he will explore what happened to him then and how they are connected to the memories that he had suddenly obtained. Until then, he will remain numb.
R&R please! Should I make this a mulit-chapter?