Title: Husband Bros

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Language, crack.

Words:~2200

Disclaimer: Naruto and all affiliated characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi. This story is written without permission and for personal/fan/nonprofit entertainment purposes only.

Summary: In the aftermath of a breakup, Iruka finds unexpected company.

Notes: Written for a prompt on the KakaIru kink meme.

Prompt: What if all the gossip about Kakashi said that he was horrible in bed?

Iruka sat slumped over his drink at the dimly lit bar, darkly contemplating the newly bleak and lonely future that now awaited him on the road of life.

"Hey," someone stepped up next to him.

Iruka turned. It was Yamato, Naruto's occasional captain. "Hey," he replied, glumly.

"You don't look so good," Yamato said, frowning. "You okay?"

Iruka opened his mouth to deflect, but thought, 'the hell with it.' He said, "Kakashi broke up with me."

"I'm sorry." Yamato commiserated. He clapped his hand on Iruka's shoulder. "It'll be okay." He turned his head and raised his voice very slightly. "Guys, it looks like we got another one."

"What?" Iruka startled. "Who're you talking to?"

"Come on."

Iruka found himself being led to a table, around which was seated a few other shinobi.

Yamato said, "Kakashi broke up with Iruka."

Genma and Asuma nodded.

"Ah," Gai said. "The Youthful Vigor with which my Eternal Rival has Approached This Affair has Subsided." He stood up and pulled out a chair.

"Er, yeah," Iruka said, simultaneously startled and subdued to find himself in this kind of company.

Yamato pressed Iruka into the chair. Genma called for another round of drinks.

"Yup." Asuma said, "It happens to everybody. Really. Everybody."

Iruka tilted his head, like he was hearing a brand new sound. One he had never before encountered.

"I'm telling you. It's no secret. Dude's a slut," Asuma stated.

Gai and Yamato nodded in agreement.

Iruka looked at the people arrayed at the table in front of him and frowned. "You mean - all of you - and Kakashi? Together?"

Solemnly, they all nodded. Gai reached out with both fists and tapped the shoulders of the two jounin sitting on either side.

"Want to talk about it?" Genma asked, senbon moving sympathetically in the corner of his mouth.

Iruka surrendered. "I should have seen it. All the signs are there. He moved his stuff out of my apartment. He wore socks to bed. He acted appropriately in public."

All four nodded. "Sorry. That is the end," Genma said. "How'd it happen?"

"He left me a note stuck on a preliminary mission report."

"Oooo. At work?" Genma asked.

Iruka nodded.

"That's cold," Asuma said.

"You can't even have a real fight there. Well, he ain't a genius for nothing," Yamato said, shaking his head.

"I mean, we were together for a couple of years! I think I deserve a little bit more than that!" Iruka was indignant.

"Hey, if it makes you feel better, people really thought that you and he were going to make it," Genma offered.

"Thanks," Iruka said, his face a little sad.

"He really does have a Problem Ending Things Appropriately," Gai noted.

Genma said, "We had lunch and he never showed. But he left a bento. In toothpicks, on top of the pickled radish, he spelled out, 'I want to see other people.' Message received, buddy."

Asuma sighed. "He got into a fight with me about my cigarette smoke always getting his eyes and disappeared. For months. Next time I saw him, he was seeing somebody else."

"Ouch," said Yamato. "He carved "Bye" on the block of tofu and on all vegetables I was planning on cooking for dinner that night. He never showed up. Made me rethink that stir-fry recipe, I can tell you. And to hell with eggplants. Screw that shit. I hate eggplants."

"Well," said Gai. "Kakashi has always found it Difficult to Speak What is in His Heart. Or in his case, that Black Abyss that Substitutes as a Heart. One day, I thought he was Troubled, so I challenged him to speak of his difficulties. He said, 'It's Not You. It's Me.' Then he sucker-punched me."

"So why haven't I heard more about this? Why didn't anyone tell me about the break-up side of things?" Iruka asked.

"Life's short," Asuma said. "Besides, you always know Kakashi would kill for you. Maybe die for you. Granted, he'd kill and probably die for any Leaf Ninja. Still, that counts for something."

"We're all comrades and adults, you know? It's not worth it to break up the peaceable side of things. Kakashi's just being the asshole that is Kakashi, and we've got to move on," Genma said.

"Besides, isn't not as if anyone's really going to get in the way of two adult shinobi doing whatever they want. I mean, c'mon. Adult shinobi, both of whom are trained in using sharp and pointies, and one of whom has the Sharingan? Nobody cares that much," Yamato lifted a single shoulder in a shrug.

"Would you have Listened to Anything but the Yearning of Your Heart at That Most Delicate of Beginning Times?" Gai asked, perceptively.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right," said Iruka, subsiding.

Gai said, "The Attraction is Undeniable. Kakashi is a Font of Virtue. Just, uh, Not the Virtue of Long-Term Fidelity."

"I thought I could fix him," Iruka mourned.

"We all thought that," Gai said. "It is the Weakness of Owning a Loving Heart. A Fault we All Share."

Yamato nodded. "We've all been there."

"Yeah," Gai sighed. "We were Coupled for many months. But I fear, the Pressure of Domesticity is too much for a Creature of the Wild like My Eternal Rival."

"Many months, huh?" asked Iruka. He tried to calculate when that might have been.

"It's true," Gai stated.

Iruka turned to Genma. "How long were you – ?"

Genma replied, "A year."

Asuma said, "Six months. I figured he wasn't as into being my cub as he said he was."

The table considered that. Iruka wondered if that mean that he thought it meant.

Yamato sighed. "Year and a half. If you count mission sex." With all the table's eyes trained on him, he said, "What? Sometimes it counts."

The potentially conflicting timelines, the possibilities of counting mission sex, the morass of emotional overlap, it was just too much. Iruka dropped his head onto the table with a groan.

Asuma advised, "Don't think too hard about it. It'll only give you a headache."

"It would take a genuis to figure it out. And he doesn't give a crap," Genma said.

"Indeed. He is most Hip and Cool. And also a Bastard. But that is how he Is Made," Gai philosophized.

"So, where is Kakashi?" asked Yamato.

"On a mission," Iruka smiled weakly. "I expect he'll be back, but much later than usual."

"He's always late, that guy," Genma grumbled.

"That's not my experience," Yamato shared. "From what I remember, he did have a tendency to," he coughed, "arrive a little early. Maybe it's a reflex after all that mission sex."

Iruka looked up at the ceiling, trying hard not to laugh.

"My eternal rival, I fear, is not Endowed with Eternal Stamina," Gai stated, with a touch of concern.

"Amen to that," Yamato announced, thumping his hand on the table. Which broke, but he immediately fixed that. "But let me tell you what else he ain't endowed with - "

Asuma laughed. "Yeah. That was a surprise. You'd think with all that porn, he'd be hung like a horse. Or at least a pony." He shook his head. "T'ain't so."

"You were surprised too -!" Iruka barely managed not to gasp. Looking around, he said, "I was - you know, by how little - " and he made a vague gesture with his pinky.

Asuma looked at Iruka's hand. Then he reached over and gently folded the pinky down in half. "Yeah," he said, satisfied. "That's more realistic."

All of the other shinobi nodded.

Genma said, "I think all that Icha Icha is a way of, you know, compensating. It's fine when you're dating- "

"Among the Many Things One Puts up with when One is in The Throes of Heart-felt LOVE," Gai interrupted.

Genma continued as if Gai hadn't spoken, "-but when he breaks up with you, you really start to see things for what they are."

Gai said, "Looking Underneath the Underneath."

"And who does he think he's fooling with that mask, anyway?" Iruka began, irate.

"Abso-fucking-lutely right," Yamato confirmed.

"Yup," Asuma said. "People can see right through it. I think it's just habit now."

"Too right," Genma said. "At the beginning, it was kind of hot, but then it just got annoying and weird. Who wants to hang out with a dude who's always looking for a better face mask? That sucks."

"Even with the mask on, I will miss him. He's got one move, it's great. Works every time. Do you know - that thing -?" Iruka did an abbreviated but complicated pantomime with a few fingers, both hands, some elbow flapping and he brought up a knee. "Sorry. It's more attractive than this," he apologized.

"Hey! That's my move!" said Genma, recognition lighting up his face.

"Yours?" Yamato asked.

"What?" Gai exclaimed.

"Yeah. Copy-Nin. Too fuckin' right. Damn Sharingan. He'll copy anything. He's shameless," Genma growled.

"That's a good move," Asuma complimented.

"Thanks," Genma said, not entirely placated. "Took me a while to figure it out. Least he could do was give me some credit. But. Damn."

"You know what the mask is about? It's A Cover for his Terrible Childhood," Gai theorized. "That is also perhaps why his Technique is so Lacking. Too much of the Wrong Kind of Training Done Too Young."

"Like he's alone in having a bad childhood. There ain't nobody in this village with a perfect childhood," Yamato scoffed.

"True enough," Iruka said, thumping his beer bottle on the table.

"The Springtimes of Ninja Youth are sometimes sucky," Gai said.

"Well," Asuma cleared his throat.

"Except for you," Yamato allowed.

"Sorry."

"S'okay," Yamato said.

"But it's so rare, it's like it doesn't really count," Genma said.

Raidou materialized at Genma's elbow. "Hey, Genma, you ready to come home?" He looked around at the table. "Sorry, guys."

"Yeah, I'm good." Genma glanced at Iruka, as if trying to discern something about his emotional state. Whatever he saw there apparently satisfied him. "Hey, cheer up," Genma said. "The thing about Kakashi is that he is the best worst thing to ever happen to me. Without him, I wouldn't have been ready for Raidou."

Kurenai walked into the bar. "Oh, hey," Asuma said. "I got to go."

"Oh, your ride's here?" Iruka asked.

Yamato started to hoot with laughter.

Iruka realized what he had just said. "Sorry, I didn't mean - "

"It's okay." Asuma nodded and grinned as he got up to leave. As he walked by, he thumped Iruka's shoulder. "You'll be okay. It just takes time."

"Thanks."

"Speaking of which, I must also depart from your Most Energetic Presences," Gai announced. "The Object of my Affection Awaits." At their blank looks, he added, "Shizune. I thought everyone knew."

"Oh! Congrats, Gai," Iruka said, smiling.

Gai beamed. "She is a Kunoichi who Displays the Most Glorious Grace and Delicacy. Also, she can suck golf ball through a hose. That has Genuine Amorous Ramifications. If You Know What I Mean."

"Really, congratulations, Gai," Yamato said, slightly alarmed at the overshare. "See ya."

"Iruka, Know that You Need Never Be Alone. You Have Many Compatriots."

"Thanks, Gai," Iruka said.

With a wave, Gai sparkled off.

"That Kakashi - there's something about him," Yamato marveled as they watched Asuma and Kurenai take seats at the bar.

"What do you mean?" Iruka asked.

"He can take a perfectly good, well-functioning gay shinobi and turn him all het," Yamato said. "Dating Kakashi is like a trip through the tunnel of sexuality - you go in gay on one side, come out straight on the other."

"There have been others?"

Yamato nodded. "Oh, yeah. Lots."

"What about you, then?" Iruka asked, curious. "Are you turned all, um, het?"

Yamato looked up with a vague smile. "I get around." On cue, a pair of attractive shinobi, one male, one female showed up. They spotted their target and chorused cutely, "Hi, Yamato."

Yamato waved at them. The pair made a beeline for the jounin. They flanked him, like two sexy bookends. He stood up, casually draping around the waist of each. He addressed Iruka, "You want to come with us and have a drink or something?"

"No, thanks," Iruka said, reflexively. "I don't want to get in the way."

"You're more than welcome. Fujoshi and Koibito won't mind." The kunoichi giggled. The male shinobi smiled and gave an acknowledging waggle of his fingertips.

"Ah, no," Iruka said, flushing. "I, uh, just need a couple of days. Get it all sorted out in my head."

"If you want to talk some more, you give me a call. Anytime. All right?" Yamato asked.

Iruka was thoughtful, contemplating the long, dark future ahead of him. There was something earnest and compelling in Yamato's mild brown eyes. It might be nice, Iruka thought, to walk a little way on the path of life with somebody who didn't wear a fricking mask all the damn time.

"Yeah, I might. Thanks."

Extra scene:

Kakashi, on his solo mission to Rain Country, was suddenly overcome with a fierce bout of sneezing. It was weird, but he was resigned to it. It happened every time he ended a relationship. Almost as if he was allergic to breaking up.

Eh. It was probably just some psychosomatic thing.

A/N -

Fujoshi = lit. "rotten girl" in Japanese. Also, ironic self-description by yaoi fans (urbandictionary)

Koibito = one's boyfriend/girlfriend