Disclaimer: The day that I own Naruto is the day that pigs fly…..seriously if any one sees any flying pigs lemme know so that I can make a ton of money. :D
Notes: For those of you who don't know now hear this: Shodai (1st Hokage), Nidaime (2nd Hokage), Sandaime (3rd Hokage), Yondaime (4th Hokage) and Godaime (5th Hokage).
Please read and review to lemme know if this was a funny for you to read as it was for me to write. Also I plan on continuing this series and I would like some input from you the reader so if you really enjoyed this and would like to make a request please let me know either in your reviews and I'll try to use it for the next story in this series.
Clash of the Hokages I: I'm better than you!
Shodai: I'm a little confused as to why we're having this discussion in the first place.
Sandaime: Same here. How did this come up again?
Nidaime: Sarutobi don't tell me that you're already getting senile at your age.
Sandaime: Of—
Godaime: It has nothing to do with age Sarutobi-sensei has always been senile and forgetful (snickers)
Shodai: (Sternly) Tsunade! Show some respect.
Nidaime: Wow, the disciplinary standards sure have gone down over the years, huh?
Sandaime: Yea, but I'm too used to it by now to care. After Jiraiya I was surprised to have lived long enough to meet a certain hyper-active, knuckle-headed, ramen loving ninja.
Godaime: Which reminds me…Minato your brat's been pissing me off down here—
Nidaime: That is what they call karma. Get used to it.
Godaime: I refuse to get used to it especially when I have the one person who can rid of my predicament. (Glares at Minato expectantly).
Yondaime: (Stares blankly at the Godaime).
Godaime: (eye twitches) Well Namikaze? How do I silence the brat?!
Yondaime: (smiles nervously while scratching the back of his head) I don't know if you remember but I died shortly after his birth, so…yeah.
Godaime: (curses loudly)
Shodai: Tsunade!
Sandaime: (referring to Tsunade's forgetfulness) and they call me senile ha!
Nidaime: No offence, but you kind of are.
Godaime: Why oh why couldn't you keep it in your pants Namikaze?!
Nidaime: (chuckles in obvious amusement) Hormones. Wasn't he like 12 when he became Hokage?
Yondaime: Uh...I believe I was 25.
Shodai: (gawks at Minato in shock) Kami-sama! That young?! I swear the standards for Hokage really have fallen over the years.
Nidaime, Sandaime, Yondaime, and Godaime: (angrily) EXCUSE ME?!!!!
Shodai: (unfazed) what? It's true.
Sandaime: (sarcastically) Please enlighten us oh wise one.
Shodai: gladly.
Nidaime: (mutters) here we go again. (Rolls eyes at Shodai)
Shodai: (matter-of-factly) everyone knows that the first is ALWAYS the best.
Godaime: Says you.
Shodai: The first of any thing always sets the norm and standards for the others to follow and live up. The reason the title of Hokage is held in such high regard is as a result of my (Nidaime makes gagging gestures causing the others to snicker) numerous and outstanding feats while in office. (Glares at Nidaime) And I saw that Tobimara.
Nidaime: (mutters) wouldn't be much of a Hokage if you didn't now would you.
Godaime: Not to burst your bubble grandpa, but I disagree with your theory.
Shodai: I would have been surprised if you didn't. (To himself) God I long for the days when women and children were seen and not heard.
Nidaime: (After careful consideration) I'm going to go with Tsunade on this one.
Shodai: (scoffs) figures. Ok, why do you disagree with this well known fact?
Sandaime: Probably because its not as well-known as you think seeing as none of us have heard it before.
Shodai: (sarcastically) And why am I not surprised? (Mutters about people with selective memory).
Yondaime: Look at it this way Hashirama-sama. If someone does something or creates something everyone knows that thing only gets better with time through evolution.
Shodai: How so?
Sandaime: Well obviously if someone does something that raises the esteem of a rank or position significantly his successor will not only have to meet higher standards and fulfill higher criteria in order to be given that position and rank in the first place. But after acquiring said position that person will strive, if not forced, to surpass his predecessor's legacy.
Nidaime: Yeah, what he said.
Yondaime: My point exactly.
Shodai: (fuming slightly and muttering beneath his breath) little brats. Ok. Scratch that argument. I'll tell you why I'm the greatest.
Nidaime: (rolls eyes) not this again. Some people just never get tired of their own voice.
Godaime: (smiling mischievously at the Shodai) please do.
Shodai: With pleasure. (Chest swells with pride) I'm the only shinobi in history to possess the wood style jutsu.
Godaime: Ever heard of a guy named Tenzo aka Yamato? You should look him up.
Shodai: Nani? I swear such insolence! (Mutters to himself about children with the lack of morals and proper upbringing).
Yondaime: But it is true. Although its no where close to Hashirama-sama's level (Shodai laughs triumphantly at this) Tenzo does possess some mastery of the Wood style jutsu.
Shodai: But not as efficient as mine so ha!
Nidaime: Just out of curiosity who is this Tenzo guy and how on earth did he come to possess that infernal (grins at Shodai's annoyed glance) jutsu?
Shodai: You're just jealous because all you can do is create an ocean without any nearby source of water.
Nidaime: Which makes me one of a kind. Unlike some people.
Sandaime: Um actually, Tobirama-sensei there is someone from the Hidden Mist village that is quite capable of accomplishing that feat as well. Goes by the name of Kisame Hoshigaki.
Shodai: (smirks at his ototou's shocked and disappointed expression).
Yondaime: To answer your question from earlier Tobirama-sama Orochimaru spliced some of your aniki's genes with Tenzo's thus granting him access to not only his exclusive Wood style jutsus but also some control of the Kyuubi.
Shodai: (glares at Sandaime) Seriously Sarutobi first Tsunade's insolence and gambling addiction, then Jiraiya's uncorrected perverted tendencies—imagine he turned down the title of Hokage in favor of continuing his "research"—and now this?! I suggest you get your students in line. Although I believe a teacher's abilities—or in this case lack of—to control their students comes from their own sensei. (Glares accusingly at Nidaime).
Nidaime: Hah! At least my student became Hokage as well one of his own students. Where's yours?
Shodai: Wha—I…Nani?
Godaime: Ouch gramps that's 3 strikes in 1 day. What happened you used to have such good comebacks?
Shodai: Tsunade! Ha! My grand daughter's not only a Hokage but she's also one of the Legendary Sannin.
Nidaime: Seriously Hashirama are you that thick? I asked for students not descendants. And before you even think of pulling out the "it-runs-in-the-family" crap let me remind you that I'm your brother.
Godaime: Maybe you should just stop talking grandpa.
Shodai: Whatever. But I'm still better than all of you.
Yondaime: (exasperatedly) Again with this.
Sandaime: Everyone agrees that I was the greatest of all the Hokages.
Godaime: Correction sensei; you were said to be the greatest of all kages of the 5 great shinobi nations. Not the Hokages. That distinction obviously goes to me.
Nidaime: (scoffs) and how is that? I swear kids these days are delusional.
Godaime: (cracks knuckles menacingly) because I can crush all of you to powder with just one punch.
Shodai: Maybe you should take your own advice and stop talking. You seem to have forgotten that a shinobi's true strength lies not in his physical strength—which by the way is all that you've got going for you.
Godaime: Spoken like a true wuss. Whoever thinks that has obviously never been on the receiving end of one of my punches. And in case if you've forgotten I'm the best medical ninja alive.
Nidaime: That's all? How on earth did she become Hokage?
Sandaime: Not for long. From what I hear young Sakura will surpass you sometime in the near future.
Godaime: And when she does it will be a testament of my abilities.
Yondaime: (obviously impressed) Touché.
Nidaime: (makes fake snoring noises) I'm sorry Tsunade I dozed off. What were you saying again? (Smirks at Tsunade's angry expression).
Shodai: I'm still the best though.
Sandaime: Kami-sama you're almost as stubborn as Naruto.
Godaime: (turning from the Nidaime to glare at the Shodai instead) how so? And don't say its because you were the first Hokage.
Shodai: (after giving it some thought) Two words; Madara Uchiha.
Nidaime: You sure that's not six?
Yondaime: (to the Nidaime) he said 2 words not syllables. (Turns his attention to the Shodai who's grinning triumphantly) yea what about him.
Shodai: (gawks at Minato as if he just grew 2 heads). He and I were the greatest of our age.
Yondaime: I don't know if you were asleep with your eyes open this entire time but we've already established that the new generation has significantly surpassed your generation in many ways.
Shodai: Name one.
Yondaime: I'll name 3; first of all not only were you unable to kill Madara Uchiha but you also failed to kill another powerful shinobi of your era.
Shodai: (indignantly) and just who might that be?
Yondaime: a certain former Hidden-Waterfall shinobi with 5 hearts and an insatiable love for money.
Shodai: (wide-eyed) Kakuzu's still alive?!
Nidaime: Wow at least when I killed my enemies I made sure that they were very much dead.
Shodai: (glares at Nidaime before turning to the Yondaime) Wait ok, so I messed up…twice. Uchiha had his infernal Mangekyou Sharingan—and how on earth do you kill a guy with 5 hearts?!
Yondaime: (visibly swelling with pride) simple; shove a Rasen-wind-shuriken into the bastard and let Kakashi's Lightening Blade do the rest. Mind you the ones responsible for Kakuzu's demise are my son, Naruto, and my former student, Kakashi Hatake—the new generation.
Shodai: (turns to Tsunade) Feh! What have you done lately apart from nearly going bankrupt in the name of gambling?
Godaime: (mumbles to herself) hey don't take it out on me.
Shodai: (turns back to Minato) Ok, second reason.
Nidaime: (incredulously) the current score's 4-0 and you still want more? You're not a glutton for punishment are you?
Sandaime: Your brother really is determined. (Turns to Minato) Are you sure you're not a descendant of the Senju clan?
Yondaime: It's possible; although Naruto gets it from Kushina.
Godaime: (scoffs) sure, blame it on the lady.
Yondaime: second reason; kids nowadays are accomplishing a lot earlier than they should.
Shodai: Oh yeah? Name one.
Yondaime: I'll name 5; myself a prodigy in my own right who rose by the straps of his boots to become the youngest Hokage in history.
Nidaime: (teasingly) also had the shortest reign to. (Yondaime rolls his eyes and continues).
Yondaime: Next there's my former student Kakashi Hatake who graduated from the academy at 5 and became a jonin before even hitting puberty.
Shodai: (in sock) Wow, that young?!
Nidaime: (turns angrily to Sandaime) A toddler became a jonin on your watch?!
Sandaime: (smiling apologetically) Tobirama-sensei you're exaggerating. Kakashi wasn't a toddler when he became a jonin. Besides I can assure you that he was quite skilled beyond his years.
Nidaime: (waves hand angrily) skills be damned! You keep those babies in the academy until they're nice and old and no one below the age of 21 has any business becoming a jonin. For God's sake all these prodigies are making us look bad.
Sandaime: (meekly mutters to himself) you really should be telling this to Tsunade since she's the current Hokage.
Shodai: Ok, that's 2 prodigies so far so go on.
Yondaime: Then there's Gaara of the Sand.
Shodai: Wait…of the Sand? I thought we were only talking about the Hidden leaf?
Godaime: (groans in frustration) no you senile old fart! Namikaze's giving examples of how the current generation's stronger than the previous one.
Shodai: Ah—no I protest. No outsiders! Stick to the leaf!
Sandaime: You're just grasping at straws Hashirama-sama.
Yondaime: Even if I stick to the leaf I can still give you 3 more examples.
Shodai: Go for it.
Yondaime: Ok next it Itachi Uchiha who just like Kakashi graduated from the academy at a young age and shot through the ranks almost overnight even becoming a captain of the ANBU Black Ops at 13.
Nidaime: (eyes wide with disbelief) He did what?! SARUTOBI!!!!!
Sandaime: (laughs nervously) he was very similar to Kakashi.
Godaime: (whispers to her former sensei) just don't say anything; you'll only make it worse.
Shodai: (thoughtfully) Uchiha eh? Impressive. Continue.
Yondaime: Next is Neji Hyuuga, a member of the branch family of the Hyuuga clan, who not only learned and mastered the Gentle Fist technique but further perfected it.
Nidaime: (warily) Lemme guess another toddle ANBU captain?
Yondaime: not necessarily, but he did become a jonin at the age of 15 (smiles at Nidaime's pained expression). And he mastered several secret techniques of his clan exclusive to the main branch family.
Shodai: Really? Good for him. I swear those Hyuugas and their unreasonable desire to look down on their own brethren. By the way has anyone succeeded in getting them to stop using those cursed seal marks?
Nidaime: Hey Hiruzen, instead if awarding toddlers ridiculously high ranks, why don't you focus on the Hyuuga problem?
Sandaime: (whispers to Tsunade behind his hand) my sensei can be unreasonable sometimes. You would think that death would have changed him for the better.
Shodai: Ok, last "toddler-ANBU captain" before we move on.
Yondaime: Uh this one doesn't actually fall into that category.
Nidaime: Really? Thank goodness. I was beginning to think that Konoha was over-run with baby jonins and ANBU captains still in need of the occasional diaper change and still very capable of throwing temper tantrums over the slightest grievance.
Yondaime: It pleases me to announce that my son Naruto has successfully combined a change in chakra form technique with a change in chakra nature technique in the form of the aforementioned Rasen- wind-shuriken. All this before his 16th birthday.
Nidaime: (considers this carefully) still too young in my opinion but I can live with that.
Shodai: Saved the best for last huh Namikaze? Ok 3rd and final reason.
Godaime: (distractedly) 3rd reason for what?
Shodai: (somewhat irritated) nearly 60 years old and still has the attention span of a 2 year old.
Sandaime: (to Tsunade) 3rd reason why the younger generation had surpassed the older generation.
Yondaime: Apart from obviously having better fashion sense we're just better looking.
Shodai: (in shock) say what?! I beg to differ!
Nidaime: (rolls eyes exasperatedly) why are we not surprised?
Sandaime: Leave it Jiraiya's student to turn this into a beauty pageant.
Nidaime: Accept it aniki I'm much better looking than you are because I'm younger. You've always been jealous of me admit it.
Shodai: (scoffs) so good-looking that all the ladies were tripping over themselves for me right?
Nidaime: Puh-lease! Everyone knows that they only wanted to get into your pants because you were Hokage.
Shodai: Funny, I don't remember women throwing themselves at your feet at Hiruzen when he was Hokage.
Yondaime: (in a reasonable voice) you weren't alive when Sarutobi-sama became the Sandaime. So technically you shouldn't.
Shodai: And you honestly think that you're better looking than me? You Blondie? Feh!
Yondaime: As a matter of fact I do. Everyone knows Naruto got his devilish good-looks from me.
Nidaime: Didn't know you used shave your whiskers Namikaze.
Yondaime: (chuckles in embarrassment) Hehe…he got that from Kushina's side of the family.
Godaime: Feh! This again Minato?
Shodai: (suddenly gets an idea and snaps his fingers) THAT'S IT!
Sandaime: Is it possible for you to get an idea without giving me a heart attack.
Shodai: (points at Minato) you're proof!
Yondaime: Of what?
Shodai: Of my theory about how the first is always the best.
Sandaime: I'm lost
Nidaime: If you weren't lost you'd be just as crazy as my Nii-san.
Shodai: Back in your day you were hot stuff right? Jiraiya always talks about how you always had the ladies drooling over you.
Yondaime: (shifts uncomfortably) I really don't see were this is going but carry on.
Shodai: Ok your kid, Naruto—the one with the whiskers that failed the graduation exam twice, that one. Girls treat him worse than shit don't they? Especially that Sakura girl right?
Yondaime: Sadly yes. But how is that relevant?
Shodai: You were his father, he looks like you and you were the first to look like that, however I think everyone agrees that you're way better looking. The same way I'm the first Hokage and I'm the best.
(Stunned silence)
Godaime: He's actually got a point.
Nidaime: I'm not even going to try to make sense of that.
Sandaime: Thinking never really was your forte. I really don't see the correlation between looks and abilities.
Shodai: (triumphantly) oh it has a lot to do with it…A LOT.
Sandaime: As far as I'm concerned I'm the best amongst us all.
Yondaime: Your reason being?
Sandaime: Not only was it said that I was the greatest but to further prove this I took on both of you (points at the Shodai and Nidaime who are now scowling at him) single-handedly and came out on top.
Yondaime: Did anyone else catch the disturbing sexual innuendo there? No one? Ok…just checking.
Godaime: (rolls eyes) leave it to Jiraiya's student to point out the perverseness of any sentence.
Shodai: No no, I'm with Blondie on this one…because I heard it to. Care to rephrase that Hiruzen? If you don't mind I have a reputation to protect.
Sandaime: I kicked both your asses in battle.
Nidaime: (rolls eye) fluke victory. Anyways I'm the best because-
Shodai: (cuts him off) because what?—you can create water where there is no natural water source. Big deal. Kisame of the Hidden Mist can do the same thing.
Nidaime: (defensively) he's a shark! He depends on water so it's only natural that he should be able to perform that jutsu.
Shodai: Whatever I still don't think your powers are anything special.
Nidaime: Then how come you made me your successor…baka!
Shodai: It was either you or Izuna Uchiha—Madara's kid brother. And I wasn't about to lose to Madara by appointing Izuna….Besides mom made me do it.
Nidaime: (rolls eyes) lying jerk.
Godaime: Like I said before I'm the best because I'm the strongest; I could squash all of you I here with an eyelash.
Yondaime: I'm the greatest because I saved Konoha from the Kyuubi.
Shodai: (rolls eyes) big deal! I tamed all the tailed beasts. You met one and died. (Scoffs) pretty boy.
Yondaime: So you admit that I look better than you.
Shodai: Puh-lease I've been told countless times that I look like Itachi Uchiha—who's arguably the best looking shinobi in the five great nations, only better.
Nidaime: Aniki…I'm worried. I think you have developed a liking for Uchihas.
Sandaime: All that matters is that I faced both of you at the prime of your youths when I was far from mine and much advanced with age. And on top of that I faced arguably the strongest of the Sannin and still managed to emerge victorious.
Yondaime: I would have killed Orochimaru rather than just sealed his arms.
Shodai: you couldn't even defeat an unintelligent chakra-demon let alone a psychotic, evil genius hell bent on revenge.
Yondaime: Whatever. I'm still prettier than you and that's all that counts.
Sandaime & Godaime: (to themselves as Nidaime and Shodai opened their mouths to argue) here we go again.
THE END