Return of the Lab (aka: The Lab Strikes Back)
Disclaimer: Missy and I do not, I repeat, DO NOT own CSI nor Star Wars. If we did we'd be some rich chicks. (Plus, Anakin wouldn't have turned all evil, oh but wait that would have ruined 4-5-6, damn it). We don't own the lines we took from Return of the Jedi, they were just convienent lines to use. Please don't sue us. We own nothing. We are poor (see above).
AN: This is what comes out on New Years Eve when writing another fiction and the words "second chance" are written at the same time the Star Wars theme music begins to play. Have fun enjoying our fiction.
Reminder: This is what we like to call a PARODY. Not to be taken seriously. This was written for purely humorous purposes. (Of course a lack of sleep might have had a small role in this)
Cast of Characters:
Hank Skywalker (must read other fiction, Three to Tango, to understand this)
Sara Organa
Darth Ecklie
Emperor Willows
Obi Grissom Kenobi
Nick-Threepio
Warrick-D2
Chewgregga (our personal favorite)
Hodges Fett
Archie Maul
Brass Solo
Al "Doc" Yoda
Sophia Amidala
Jac-Jac Binks (we had to have Jacqui in it somehow)
David the Hutt
REMINDER: THIS IS A PARODY. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
ENJOY!
(Begin Star Wars Theme Music)
In a crime lab far far away
The lab was run by the evil Emperor Willows
And her faithful sidekick Darth Ecklie
There was a group of loyalists
Headed by Hank Skywalker and Sara Organa
(who were brother and sister but did not know this)
They were guided by Obi Grissom Kenobi and Al "Doc" Yoda
Their band of loyalists included Nick-Threepio, Warrick-D2, Chewgregga and Brass Solo
This band of loyalists was determined
To make the lab a better working environment for all people
(end Star Wars Theme music)
"Save the crime lab we must. Darth Ecklie we must defeat"
"But Master Yoda how will we do this?" asked young Hank Skywalker
"Follow the evidence you must. Lie the evidence does not." Yoda replied
"But Master Yoda where should we start?" Sara Organa asked
Before Yoda could answer, Brass Solo said "We need to start at DNA"
"Wise young Brass Solo he is" Yoda said
They headed towards the DNA lab when suddenly out jumped Hodges Fett and Archie Maul. (Insert lightsabar sound effects) (Start the song "Duel of the Fates).
Hodges Fett shot at Brass Solo, while Archie Maul ignited his double lightsaber.
Brass Solo shoved Sara out of the way. Chewgregga growled and started towards Hodges. Hank ignited his lightsabar, along with Yoda.
Yoda jumped into the air and started fighting Archie Maul, leaving Hank to protect the remainder of the loyalists.
Nick-Threepio said "You won't catch me in the DNA lab"
"Beep, Beep" Warrick-D2 replied
"I will protect you Warrick-D2, you will not become lab equipment.
Meanwhile, Sara found a quiet corner (which was quite difficult with all the fighting going on), "help me Obi Grissom Kenobi, you're my only hope"
Sara heard loud breathing behind her. (Insert Darth Vadar breathing).
Darth Ecklie grabbed Sara Organa and lead her into the corridor. Her screaming went unheard by the loyalists due to the fighting (and the sound effects, and the music and the loud breathing). Darth Ecklie lead Sara to the "Dark Side" (think the morgue), where Emperor Willows was waiting.
Back to the fighting, Hank Skywalker was sitting on the floor next to Nick-Threepio.
"He's holding me back" Hank said about Al "Doc" Yoda
"Beep, beep, beep" Warrick-D2 said in response
"Yes, I agree with you" Nick-Threepio said
"What did he say?" Hank asked
"Master Hank, you are just not ready yet" Nick-Threepio said
Meanwhile, Yoda was kicking Archie Mauls butt. Yoda was much more skilled at a lightsabar and had pushed Archie Maul into the DNA lab.
"Return to the good side of the lab you must, Archie Maul"
Archie Maul decided to attack Yoda, who cut him in half. (Think The Phantom Menace).
"One with the lab, now you are"
Back in the hallway, Chewgregga, Brass Solo and Hodges Fett were continuing their battle. Out of nowhere came David the Hutt.
"Solo" David the Hutt said loudly
Brass turned and ducked Hodges blast, which hit the nearby wall. This allowed Chewgregga to grab him and slam him into the wall, causing him to go into unconciousness.
"David, next time you have a problem with my work, do not send bounty hunters after me. Come to me and say so." Brass Solo said
Chewgregga growled at David.
Hank discovered that Sara had been taken by Darth Ecklie to the "Dark Side" (reminder, the morgue). He went in search of her.
He cautiously approached the morgue, when suddenly out of nowhere appeared Obi Grissam Kenobi.
"Beware of Darth Ecklie he is extremely powerful" Kenobi warned Hank
"Him, are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure, don't mock me young Skywalker. I trained your father"
"My father, you knew my father" Hank said excitedly
"Yes, I knew him. Conrad Skywalker was once a pupil of mine. That boy knew his way around a lab. Until one day, Darth Ecklie seduced him to the dark side of the lab and he became…a coroner" Kenobi said
"Wow, what about my mother?"
"Yes, I knew her as well. Lovely woman"
"Is that all you can tell me?" Hank asked
"Darth Ecklie" Grissom looked around as if trying to come up with an answer "He killed your mom, yeah that's it"
"Can you at least tell me her name?" Hank asked
"Very well"
Hank stood for awhile waiting for the answer, "well what is it"
"What's what?"
"My mother's name"
"Oh that, don't you have to fight Darth Ecklie and save your sister"
"Sister, I don't have a sister." Hank said surprised
"Oops I ruined the plot, well if you must know your mother had twins, you and your sister, who remains unsafely anonymous while trapped in the morgue"
"Sara, Sara's my sister. Eww. That's not right. I kissed her"
"Eww, that's wrong Hank" Grissom said
"I didn't know she was my sister"
"Well now you know. Be off with you. Fight the good fight. Evidence be with you" Kenobi said and started to disappear
"Wait, what about my mother"
"She says hello" Kenobi said and disappeared
Hank shrugged his shoulders, ignited his lightsaber (insert sound effect) and entered the morgue (insert music).
"Ah young Skywalker, you have finally arrived" said Emperor Willows from her throne next to the main autopsy table.
"Where's my sister, I mean Sara" Hank said
"Sister, so you have a twin sister?" Darth Ecklie said (imagine from Return of the Jedi)
"Twins? Whatcha ya mean twins? He didn't say anything about twins."
"Obi Grissom Kenobi was wise to keep you two apart. If you won't become a coroner, perhaps she will" Darth Ecklie evily said
"Never. We will never join you in the morgue" Hank yelled
"Then you shall die" Darth Ecklie said
"And I will perform the autopsy" Emperor Willows stated
"Would you like to see your sister?" Darth Ecklie asked Hank
"Sure why not" Hank replied
Darth Ecklie raised his hand and out came Jac-Jac Binks (who had been brainwashed by Darth Ecklie and Emperor Willows) with Sara.
"Good, the gangs all here. I have something to tell you both"
"You just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico" Sara blurted out
"Yes, I did actually, but that's not what I want to tell you"
Sara started looking at her nails, obviously bored "Are you gonna tell us are you gonna play twenty questions"
"I am your father" Darth Ecklie said
"Tough break Hank" Sara said
"I am your father too, Sara"
"Ewww. What the hell was my mom thinking? What a second. I made out with my brother. Ewww" Sara said and started spitting. "Can I have some water please?"
Suddenly the doors burst open and in walked a beautiful woman with long blonde hair.
"Back off Darth. Leave my kids alone" Sophia Padme Amidala Skywalker (and technically Ecklie) said.
Darth Ecklie paled and then glared at Emperor Willows, "You told me she was dead and that I killed her"
"I lied. But I lie to everyone. It's in my contract" Emperor Willows replied
"Yeah, you killed me in spirit, when you killed my husband, Conrad Skywalker" Sophia said
"Look lady I am your husband"
"Like hell you are"
The two continued arguing
Meanwhile Hank and Sara, sat down on the floor next to Emperor Willows and started a bet on who would kill each other first.
"Twenty bucks on Darth" Willows said
"No, no. Never bet against an angry mother" Hank said, "Fifty bucks on my mom"
"Our lives are so twisted Hank" Sara said
"Why do you say that Sara?" Hank asked
"Well let's think about it Hank. You're my brother. We almost had sex and I cringe at that thought now. Our birth parents are right there" Sara said pointing to them "duking it out and we're sitting here making bets with Emperor Willows which one's gonna win. So, how much more twisted it could get?"
"Well looking at Darth Ecklie and Sophia I'm starting to think they aren't our birth parents at all" Hank replied
"Well we are in a lab" Emperor Willows replied "Do a simple paternity test"
"Wait why are you helping us?" Sara questioned
"Because Darth Ecklie is the one who wanted to continue on with this fued of day shift versus night shift and whatnot. I want to live harmoniously. You understand right?"
"So in other words, you're on our side?" Hank said
"Precisely"
"So why the hell didn't you just say so? Why did you send Darth Ecklie after us?"
"Because it was fun and we needed some excitement since Chewgregga left the lab and went out in the field" Willows said
Nick-Threepio, Chewgregga, Al "Doc" Yoda, Warrick-D2 and Brass Solo entered the room and froze, their faces marred with shock.
Hank, Sara and Willows stopped talking and looked over to Darth Ecklie and Sophia and froze, their faces marred with shock.
(Insert Across the Stars: Star Wars Love Theme, think Attack of the Clones)
Darth Ecklie and Sophia were passionately kissing.
"Ewww" Hank, Sara and Emperor Willows said in unison
From that moment on a peace ran over the lab. Day shift and night shift worked harmoniously together. And the morgue was no longer considered the "dark side" (unless you were dead).
(Insert Star Wars End Credits music)
The End
P.S. this was a parody, just in case you missed it the first two times. Not to be taken seriously. We didn't take it seriously when we wrote it. We wrote it for fun, for you to enjoy.