Preface: This has nothing to do with my 'World Divided' 'verse. Or any 'verse, really. Thinking about it now, it has to take place in one of those happily-ever-after Alternate Universes or something. Just go with it, I tells yas.

This is based off an actual daydream, however.

No, I don't own Evangelion. I'm not sure I'd like to, either.

Tonight's dinner was going to be very special. On the tray beside him was lay piles of evenly-sliced onions, bell peppers, carrots and tofu. But the real treasure was on the board now: half a kilogram of chicken thighs. And decent quality too, by the smell and feel of it as he pressed a lump to the board with one hand and sliced it sideways into thin strips with his sharpest knife. Not that his knives weren't all sharp, of course. All three of them, that is. Mind, when he first got here you could barely tell the cutting edge from the… top bit. You know, the bit where you pressed your finger. 'Like this,' he thought as he positioned the knife for another stroke and – and his earlobe was wet and warm. "Hello" a sultry voice whispered as pale, bare arms pinned his own to his sides. "What-cha doin'?"

He gasped as he felt teeth nibble at his lobe and slowly work their way up the curve of his ear, nip by nip. He felt himself sinking into the warm embrace, and a low moan escaped his throat….

Kaworu chuckled to himself as Shinji became putty in his hands. Delicious, beautiful boy-putty…

Shinji arched his neck to give him better access as he leaned down to lightly kiss… wait, was that…?

"Chicken? But, Rei is a vegetarian, is she not? I do not think she will… Shinji?" The crimson-eyed albino drew back and recoiled. Shinji crumpled to the floor. No, more like… flopped? Melted, even. A few seconds later, he was just a puddle of orange goop on the floor.

Kaworu had gotten over his shock by then and just sighed. "Not again." He muttered to himself. He fished through his pockets for his phone – he could never find the damned thing – and redialled his last number.

"Rei? It happened again…. yes, that. Yes... it's Shinji. No, it happened to Shinji, not… I'm at Misato's. How soon can you…? Hello?" He looked at the phone. She had hung up on him. He frowned. Nothing in the room had changed – he hadn't heard anything – but he got the feeling that…

He turned around in one swift movement to find her right there and staring into his eyes. "Get me a mop." She said, flatly.

Five minutes later, he was helping her and the two very nice men in suits pour the various containers filled with the orange liquid into an esky the men had in the back of their black van. It had been full of ice, water and various drinks before, but when Rei had asked them nicely they had been so kind as to empty it all out on the grass – except for the drinks, which they had kept. Lilim really could be very kind to one another, he thought to himself as the men called their wives and children to tell them they loved them and that everything was going to be alright as their voices trembled and they dabbed their foreheads and kept looking between him Rei and the esky. This could be difficult for them to explain, he realised.

"Thank you for your help." He looked to the speaker, Rei, and smiled. "You are welcome!" He said. "I look forward to seeing you again." She followed the men into the van and they drove off together. Kaworu milled around for a bit wondering what to do next before deciding to go off searching the rubble for pianos. Maybe there would be kittens. He liked kittens. They were interesting. For his part, the driver and his second marvelled at how the First Child had managed to make such a polite phrase sound like a curse upon the boy and his descendents for all eternity.

When Shinji came to, everything was cold and dark and he was in a very small space and the air was kind of stale and smelt of soda pop and he banged on the walls and weakly called to be let out because he felt terrible and he thought he could feel everything moving and–

–the lid came off and he blinked in the bright sunlight.

"What? I…" He looked around him. "I…"

They were in a park looking over what remained of the city. Rei was with him, and they were on a picnic blanket and there were sandwiches and things everywhere and he was naked and in an esky and–

–wait, what?

Rei looked on as Shinji shrieked and tried to cover himself up. He pulled the lid up so it would be between them and tried to sputter something in apology, but Rei just stood up and went around the other side, hugging him around the shoulders and kissing the top of his head.

"It's alright, Shinji. I've seen it all already, anyway." If that was meant to calm him down, it had the opposite effect. He drew himself into an even tighter ball as she reached around to hug him better, cooing and rubbing his back whilst making various soothing noises. "There, there… look, isn't it a lovely day today? I don't expect you to remember, but we came here once before, years ago. Of course, I was a lot bigger then… and you were a lot smaller." She gave him a big hug and looked down at him to see him looking back at her with a very confused expression. She gave him a reassuring smile and rubbed his shoulders. "You remember?" she asked. He looked away, uncertain, as the breeze rustled the grass and dragged the sparse strands of cloud out and across the sky. He looked to her again. Her smile hadn't changed. "Yes." He said, simply.

Her smile widened. "Shinji…" She hugged him again, then moved in front of him with her hands still on his shoulders. One hand moved up to caress the back of his head as the other lifted up his chin.

"Now, give mummy a kiss…"

His eyes went wide as she closed in. "I…" He had no idea what to say. He closed his eyes tight. He couldn't deny he wanted it, oh boy he did, but… he opened his eyes, determination written in his features. "I-"

She was all over him. Her hands were on his cheeks, in his hair, rubbing his neck… and her tongue. Oh gods. 'Her tongue!'

She drew back to breathe, a slightly silly and very self-satisfied grin on her face. "Well," she began "how was that for a first-"

There was a deafening sound and a hole appeared in her forehead. She went limp and slumped onto him. "Rei!" The back of her head was just gone. What remained was a mushy mass of white, red and grey. He trembled. There was just so much blood…

"Don't worry kid, she's had worse."

Something foul-smelling was clamped over his mouth and everything went black.

When he came to everything was dark. But something was over his eyes, a piece of fabric. A blindfold. He could just make out the vague dimensions of the space beyond, which was quite brightly lit. This surface was rather comfy. In fact, it felt like a bed. Actually, this whole place looked a bit like….? No, surely not. He tried to take the blindfold off. That's when he noticed his hands were cuffed. And he was naked – or was it still naked…? It was definitely a bed, though. "Hello?" He called out with a cracked voice. He was just so thirsty. Then he remembered Rei. It couldn't be true. It couldn't. 'Please, it can't be…' "Hey there." A friendly voice came from somewhere just a few feet away. "Mister Kaji…?" It was then he remembered he was still naked, and he shrieked and curled up into a little ball. "Woah, ease up kiddo. Look, it's nothing personal. But if doing this means there's one less clingy teenager trying to jump my bones, then I'm all for it." He had gotten closer. He was right next to him now. The older man was trying to be reassuring, but Shinji didn't like something in his tone. "Now if you'll excuse me…" his hands were pulled up against his well and he could hear the handcuffs being secured to where he imagined the headboard to be. "Wait, wait, wait! What…" His could feel the ropes being tied around his feet and he tried to tuck them back against his body, but Kaji was just too strong for him and eventually got them tied out at their full length. "Please, why… why are you doing this?"

"I just told you. It's nothing personal, kid. Don't blame me for this." The impassive tone he used as he walked away was replaced by one of heartfelt well-wishing. "Have fun!"

"Wait!"

The door slid with a thud. He could just make out the outline of the door against the wall.

The room was quiet.

'Wait a minute…' he looked around, blindfolded as he was. In the darker part of the room there was a dresser, and a cupboard – how had he missed them before? It was odd, because they looked kind of like… actually, this whole place reminded him of… surely this wasn't…?

"A-Asuka…?"

There was a scrunching sound, like the sound of leather on leather, from one corner of the room as a shadow detached itself from the wall. A whip cracked, and Shinji cowered - tried to cower, rather - in dread anticipation.

"AAAAAAAGH!"

"Shinji?" there was a yawn. "Tied down and whipped by Asuka a-gain?"

He had resolved to never again make the mistake of telling her about his dreams after that one time. Which was a whole month ago now, but the moment he had told her he got this sinking feeling that she would never let him live it down. It had proven entirely justified up 'til now.

He clasped the cushion closer to himself defensively. He shot Misato the most caustic look she had ever seen cross his features – she thought it hilarious – before he looked outside to see that it was still a lazy Sunday afternoon with nothing to do. He sat back again and checked out the television. Crocodile Dundee was on, though Misato was still too busy laughing to watch it. She managed to compose herself, dabbing at the corners of her eyes.

"I've gotta say I'm jealous, though. Why aren't I in your daydreams, Shin-man? What has she got that I haven't?"

He avoided giving her the satisfaction of seeing his face redden any further by getting up to prepare late lunch.

"Herpes..." he muttered, under his breath.

"What was that?" Her tone was playful and teasing, not angry. He felt guilty.

"Nothing! Sorry."

He hurried into the kitchen and stopped just short of the well-used counter. His fingers shifted about at his sides. He couldn't remember if anyone was coming over today. His head was still kind of fuzzy. He opened the fridge. 'Oh, yeah...' This meal would be special. Really special. Today, he had half a kilo of chicken thigh to work with…

Well that was a bit nuts.

Do feel at liberty to check out my Magnum Opus of Mediocrity, if you are so inclined. It's a very different kettle of fish, though. Happy holidays!